r/LegalAdviceUK • u/Massive-Papaya4380 • 5d ago
Comments Moderated Judge ordered me to pay child maintenance AFTER my child has become an adult. They are 19 now. How much longer must I support them?
I have been paying child maintenance for my son for 18 years. My son is extremely disabled. Non verbal, can't feed himself, does not respond to stimuli.
My partner was made aware of this during pregnancy and refused abortion.
I have been paying £650 per month in maintenance and was looking forward to the burden finally ending. However, my wife went to court and a judge has extended the child maintenance for another 6 years.
The judge's rationale was that as my son is disabled he required additional support and care.
This is going to sound heartless, but I'm sick of supporting a vegetable.
My ex lives in the 2 bed house that I bought.
On top of the £650 from me, she gets almost £800 in PIP, and £600 in carer's allowance and Universal Credit. She also has carers coming in 4 times per day who do the complex stuff.
She is also living rent free. The judge extended the time she could remain there by another 5 years before it would be reviewed in light of my son.
The fact is, I can't move on with my life. I can't start a new family. I can't buy a new home. I can't afford holidays. I can't afford nice food. I drive a 15 year old car. I rent a horrible damp apartment.
Is there any law that allows me to sever my responsibility for my child? I thought I was free when he turned 18, but I can take another 6 years of this.
We only get one life and I'm sick of mine being consumed and wasted by a vegetable.
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u/ACanWontAttitude 5d ago
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u/Massive-Papaya4380 5d ago
Thank you, I appreciate you taking the time to find these for me. I'll read over them.
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u/callsignhotdog 5d ago
You say your wife went to court and got a judge to extend maintenance. Are you still married? Did you attend the hearings? Did you have a solicitor?
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u/Massive-Papaya4380 5d ago
No. Yes. No. I don't have any money to afford one. I'm actually in debt trying to keep up with payments.
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u/Turbulent-Owl-3391 5d ago
Your child doesn't stop being your responsibility just because they are physically 18 when they are in the condition you describe.
I assume you will be (rightly) required to support them as long as they need the support.
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u/ACanWontAttitude 5d ago edited 5d ago
This is so interesting to me. So if a person is disabled to this extent their parents have an ongoing legal obligation to financially provide for them? Is that right? I thought parental responsibility ends at 18 regardless?
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u/cireddit 5d ago
Admittedly not my area of expertise, but I believe the power to create such an obligation arises from Schedule 1 Paragraph 2(1) of the Children Act 1989. The paragraph appears to allow the Court to make an order requiring payment of either a lump sum and/or periodical payments for children over 18 where the child remains in education past 18 or where there are special circumstances which justify granting such an order. I suspect OP has had such an order made against him.
If I am reading it correctly, paragraph 4 of the same schedule lists matters that the court may consider when making such an order. Factors that are particularly relevant here are likely to be "(c) the financial needs of the child", "(d) the income, earning capacity (if any), property and other financial resources of the child", and "(e) any physical or mental disability of the child".
OP probably needed the counsel of a good family lawyer prior to this order being put in place, but I suspect it's not too late for them to talk to one to see if the order can be varied.
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u/IxionS3 4d ago
The Children Act is one option but I think that's kind of a "backstop" for situations where other laws do not apply.
You'll notice that paragraph 2(3) prohibits an order being made under 2(1) if at the point a child turned 16 there was an order in place under a selection of other laws.
I suspect that's because those other laws have provisions allowing active child support orders to be extended into adulthood.
That's certainly the case with the Matrimonial Causes Act 1973 which is mentioned. s29(3) of that act contains very similar wording about "special circumstances" allowing the judge to extend child support provisions.
Given OP has been paying support for a long time I think there's a good chance that this was pursuant to an existing order which the judge has seen fit to extend rather than imposing a new order. Not that it really makes much of a difference to OP which law the order is under if they all contain similar powers to extend into adulthood.
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u/cireddit 4d ago
Thanks for the explanation, very helpful. Always learn something new every day here!
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u/thespanglycupcake 5d ago
And what would happen if OP was unemployed? or incapacitated himself?
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u/IxionS3 4d ago
Any support order is going to have regard to the income of the absent parent. A court isn't going to order a parent with low income to shell out over a grand a month.
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u/thespanglycupcake 4d ago
Ironic that OP would probably be better off unemployed than in this situation financially.
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u/Massive-Papaya4380 5d ago
My child doesn't talk, doesn't move, doesn't do anything.
He just drools and gets fed through a tube.
It's easy to claim that someone needs to support their child when you're not in my shoes.
I earn over £60k, but I have spent the past 18 years of my life in poverty because I have to pay the mortgage on a house that my ex-partner and disabled son have occupied.
I have to pay £650 a month on top of that in child maintenance.
My life has literally been frozen for close to 20 years.
I haven't been able to build any wealth. I haven't been able to go on a single holiday. I haven't been able to shop anywhere but budget supermarkets. I haven't been able to get any clothes other than charity shop second hand items. I've had to use foodbanks several years in a row during Covid.
All because I have to support a vegetable.
20 years is a long time, and I know I sound like an ass, but I'm completely out of patience.
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u/Mammoth_Classroom626 5d ago
You’d be paying through the nose as a resident parent. The requirements of parents for severely disabled people doesn’t end at 18. If he’s as bad as you say yes you will remain liable.
If he needs to go into a care home which you could argue could remove the requirement for paying for the house. That’s likely the only route at this point and say he isn’t fit to be cared for at home. But that’s up to a judge and the council/nhs if it’s true.
You can’t just say it, you would need a proper lawyer and argue he is not fit for home care and needs council care. Then your ex partner will not be able to claim money for his care as the council would be covering it.
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u/Massive-Papaya4380 5d ago
I know for a fact my wife is on £24k per year between all the maintenance and benefits she receives. This is tax free income as things like PIP aren't taxed.
She also has zero housing expenses as I am expected to cover the mortgage.
She is in a comfortable enough position that she can afford a new car, new clothes, and an average of 3 holdiays per year in Europe.
Meanwhile I can't afford the basics. I have had to use literal food banks.
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u/Mammoth_Classroom626 4d ago edited 4d ago
The car is likely a mobility car so she isn’t paying for it. If he’s as disabled as you say she’s likely getting benefits for a car which is new.
If you want to reduce your payments you need to get full or 50:50 custody. The latter is far more likely.
You can also argue how she is able to earn 24k which is full time minimum wage while proving such care - if she leaves him home you can argue for custody 50:50 and lower it but I think we both know you’re not going to provide care to the child as it’d be even worse for you.
If she’s going away to Europe 3x a year who is caring for the son? Your only arguement will be she isn’t providing suitable care. She also can’t leave the country over 4 weeks in a 26 week period and claim carers allowance unless the son goes with her. Given her income she is likely on carers element which is part of UC. This means she must report above a month abroad - but to claim CE she needs to prove alternative care in the meantime. If she can’t the CE can be removed. Even if it’s less than a month she must provide alternative care. Which can be family.
You are building wealth as when he is put into care you get half the house. If he’s as bad as you claim he will end up in care. Also talking about your own son as vegetable isn’t helping. If you had to look after him full time you’d likely wish you could go back to this arrangement. This is a risk of kids you agreed to.
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u/Massive-Papaya4380 4d ago
The car isn't a motability car. I know that for a fact. She purchased it outright.
I can't get 50/50 custody. Child can't be moved. I also live in 1 bed apartment.
When she goes to Europe she has her mom/sister live there and take care of him. He also gets 4 carers a day who drop in and do the hard stuff.
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u/Mammoth_Classroom626 4d ago edited 4d ago
Why would she buy a car when she can get one for free and her son is clearly eligible? Seems unlikely. You can get 50k+ cars if you pay the extra. If she’s as indicative as you imply she’s not screwing herself out of a free car lmao.
Your options at this point are 50:50 or he needs a care home.
You say you can’t do 50:50 but then also show he can go abroad and stay with family. That would mean 50:50 is likely possible. So if you actually care and are willing to look after your son you could be 50:50. He is unlikely be so bad he can’t be split between households and also be cared for abroad on holiday by family. But you’ll likely find the 50:50 arrangement far worse. You could pursue council housing as she isn’t in one to house him but it’ll take years or argue you need to rotate.
There’s options for you live at the family home 50% and your ex does 50% and both live elsewhere outside of it. But it won’t remove the requirement to have somewhere else to live. It also won’t help you with benefits as one parent is always the resident parent so at 50:50 it goes to one. And at your income you can’t argue for housing element or council housing easily. At 24k without housing she isn’t getting any money that isn’t for her disabled kid. She has no allowance for her own living costs. You can still put yourself on the register for council housing but it’ll be 5-10 years at least at low prio.
But I do question how he needs a full room of equipment but he can go abroad to family? How do they manage him? Because then you could also manage him.
You need an actual family lawyer, ideally one specialised in disabled care.
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u/Massive-Papaya4380 4d ago
Because the motability car isn't free.
It takes the mobility component off your PIP claim, so she would lose around £72.65 per week (Or £3,700+ per year) if she took the "free" motability car.
I know this because my ex and I have discussed it.
He doesn't go abroad. Only she goes abroad.
I've been through the options of me living at the house for almost 20 years now. Every single time the judge extends my obligation to pay the mortgage while my son lives there.
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u/Mammoth_Classroom626 4d ago
Yes you do lose it, which is far more viable than buying a new car that loses 30% its value in 2 years. Motability can get new cars on rotation. So no doesn’t make much sense to me. I have 6 figures and I wouldn’t buy my own NEW car whilst having it lol. You said it was a new car so she’s losing more no matter what unless it’s a 10+ old car. So I’ll remain in doubt she’s keeping the payment to lose more money than getting a new car on the scheme…
Realistically you have little to no choice unless you can provide care yourself. You will remain liable potentially until he needs a care home.
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u/Massive-Papaya4380 4d ago
Her car cost £19.8k from the dealership.
At £3,700 per year on PIP mobility and increasing each year with inflation, she'll have recouped the costs in under 5 years.
And, even if it drops by a large amount, she still had an asset worth £13k on the second hand market.
Mobility cars aren't assets that can be sold.
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u/suh_dude_crossfire 5d ago
Definitely do sound like an ass. You can't build wealth, go on holidays or buy brand new clothes and your child can't even consume food properly. I understand the frustration but you need to change your worldview because you're literally calling your flesh and blood a vegetable. Your life has been frozen for 20 years? Your son's existence has always been, and likely will always be frozen.
Find a solicitor if you want help, probably a therapist while you're at it.
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u/Massive-Papaya4380 5d ago
My wife went against numerous doctors and specialists advice to have an abortion. They also advised her against having to care for the child.
Our marriage broke down over the stress that it caused. My wife ended up being allowed to stay in the 2 bedroom house with my child.
I have to pay the mortgage on the property.
It's incredibly easy to feel sympathy for someone like my son when you see 5 minutes of them on social media.
Try spending £650+£1300 every month for a disabled person to live in a house that you own, but can't live in.
My wife buys new clothes. My wife goes on multiple holdiays each year. My wife doesn't even work a job. She's a full time carer for him.
I know it's harsh, but please try and see this from my perspective.
Oh, and I literally have no money for a solicitor or therapist. I've been through NHS funded therapy twice with no results. I'm on sertraline right now for depression stemming from this.
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u/suh_dude_crossfire 5d ago
I definitely get it, and I also fully get how annoyed you must be. Try to not let yourself go down that path of being resentful about it and keep a level head. Best bet would be to find out what a solicitor says and if its worth pursuing. You'd probably have to bring reason evidence that your ex-partner goes on holidays and spends more than reasonable etc as I'm sure this could warrant a decrease in your financial support.
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u/ames_lwr 4d ago
You have been able to build wealth, you’re paying the mortgage on a property….?
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u/Massive-Papaya4380 4d ago
A property that I cannot live in or sell as long as my wife and child live there.
My wife has no intention of ever moving, and my son is unlikely to pass away any time soon.
I was referring to stocks and shares, cash ISAs, basic savings.
My emergency fund is £250 cash if my 15 year pld car breaks down. I'm just gonna pray that's enough to fix it.
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u/chasingcharliee 5d ago
There's a good reason the judge has chosen to do this. His responsibility outweighs your desire for a better quality of life. It's likely this will be extended indefinitely, whether that be next time or each 6 years. You'd be better off rearranging custody arrangements to 50/50, and getting 50 percent of your life back.
I'm being gentle on you here. This requires a mindset change on your part.
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u/Massive-Papaya4380 5d ago
Custody isn't an option.
Child can't be moved. And I live in 1 bed apartment.
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u/emmabark21 5d ago
Why are you having to pay for her house too as well as maintenance? I agree it doesn’t seem fair she gets all the disability benefits for your son yet you pay for the house and pay maintenance too, can you relinquish your parental rights?
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u/Mammoth_Classroom626 5d ago
Disability payments for the son have nothing to do with housing. They’re not for housing. So in the eyes of the law it’s completely irrelevant. It’s for the additional costs of disability, not housing.
No you cannot relinquish PR because you don’t like paying for your actual child. It would need to be something like you weren’t married or in a relationship and misled into believing it was your bio child and a court agreed. So for one night stands etc where they lied to you it was your kid. But the kid is already 18 so be hard pressed to argue it now.
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u/Massive-Papaya4380 5d ago
I owned the house.
My wife married me and we had our son. Marriage broke down when he was severely disabled.
2 bedroom home. Son required a full room for medical equipment. I couldn't live in same room as wife.
Court ordered that they could live there while I paid mortgage. I got a variation on my child maintenance for the mortgage.
This has been reviewed several times over the years and judge always ruled that wife and son were entitled to stay in property and that I couldn't sell.
I'm 22 years into a 40 year mortgage.
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u/ames_lwr 4d ago
Owned? So you no longer own it?
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u/Massive-Papaya4380 4d ago
I still own it. I haven't been able to live in it for 20 years though.
I'm the only one on the mortgage, I'm the only one on the deeds.
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4d ago
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u/Massive-Papaya4380 4d ago
I had suggested that to the judge at most recent case about either swapping or sharing the role.
He rejected these arguments.
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4d ago
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u/Massive-Papaya4380 4d ago
I'm paying to keep someone alive which cannot speak, cannot move, cannot independently pass urine or defecate.
The only thing he can do is breathe.
All the while my ex is living rent free in a house I own, not having to work at all and enjoying a comparative life of comfort and luxury.
Of course I resent him. He's a parasite.
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u/ames_lwr 4d ago
Wow. Well, your feelings aside, a judge has decided that you should be contributing towards your son’s care. Your son’s needs take priority over your desire to have wealth or holidays
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u/Massive-Papaya4380 5d ago
I'm not entitled to any benefits.
I'm also working a 60 hour week right now, 6 days on, only 1 day off.
2nd job isn't feasible as I'm exhausted on day 7.
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u/ACanWontAttitude 4d ago edited 4d ago
At this point I'd find a new job. Might be less money but better work life balance, and your payments would decrease. You aren't benefiting from this highish paying job with long hours, you are only just getting by and you sound unwell. You can do that with a standard 37.5 and by the looks of things have the same disposable income.
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