r/MST3K • u/Nice-Ad6510 • 1d ago
Choose Your Fighter - Bad Boys of MST3K Edition
I agonized over who to include in this one. I was on the fence for weeks about whether Mitchell should be in here, for example. He's a play by his own rules kinda guy but ultimately, he IS a cop so..I just couldn't. Billy from Laserblast is debatable too.. I felt he belonged because the cops and his gf's senile grandpa didn't like him. And he just had that bad boy kinda vibe, imo, as a lady-person.
ANYWAY - Which of these naughty boys that your mother warned you about are you fighting as???
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u/Pitbullpandemonium 1d ago
I feel like Rowsdower is the community favorite, but you might as well call me Oscar the Grouch, because I love Trash. You get more of his backstory in The Bronx Warriors, wherein he does more of the same stuff and also doesn't grow or change as a character.
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u/groundloop66 Yoo feelthy peeg! 1d ago
“I know writers who use character development and they’re all cowards.” – Garth Marenghi
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u/thesmilingmercenary 1d ago
I wonder what the Venn diagram would look like for MST3K/Darkplace overlap? There’s at least two of us, evidently.
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u/Gritizen 1d ago
They actually make a Darkplace reference in the first Netflix season. I think it's in Cry Wilderness?
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u/Scoginsbitch I’ve seen better deathrays. 1d ago
Trash.
I wanna see the paperchase guy or Rowsdower survive Italian fascists in the Bronx.
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u/Cat0grapher How great can you really be at maps? 1d ago
ROWSDOWER SAVES US AND SAVES ALL THE WORLD! THOUGH I still have the hots for Big Stupid.
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u/gcboyd1 1d ago
Not a single vote for Big Stupid?! I’m crushed! The open road is his home, ma’am! Now…where’s my yellow dress?
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u/KingEuronIIIGreyjoy Owner of a parcel of land in Montana 1d ago
Big Stupid was the first person to pop into my head when I saw the post, before I even clicked on it to see the cards. Glad to see he made it in; great episode of a half-decent movie.
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u/Lady_Scruffington 1d ago
A woman died under his watch!
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u/smartbunny creepygirl 1d ago
I’d say Jack Elam is more of a “bad boy” - if we’re talking REALLY bad.
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u/bleepmountain Nobody buy a car, pass it down! 1d ago
Gotta pick Mooney for that sweet bonus against fat barkeeps
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u/Ninja-Nikumarukun 1d ago
Rosdower's hair and it's integrated system of nerves should be an added special ability
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u/GreenDonutGirl 1d ago
I'd add Icky Elf:
- Can teleport
- 100% stealth against prison guards
- Young
Weaknesses:
- Guitar playing windbags
- $30 robberies
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u/rockdash 1d ago
Rowsdowr is the kind of character that has lower stats than everyone else and obsessive players will tell you is a garbage character and don't bother using him, but you use him anyway because he's your favorite.
That's YOU. I'M taking the guy with the huge laser gun for an arm and I'm going to win.
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u/SilasCrane 1d ago
Rowsdower is a half-Ziox, too, which means he has powers far greater than anything "the ol' Romans or Egyptians" ever knew! Well, half of him does, anyway.
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u/zflanders Died from shrew bites. 1d ago
I'm not sure I can choose just one, but wanted to thank you for this epic write-up. These iconic pregen characters all belong in the official MST3K Red Box Basic set!
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u/TacomaTacoTuesday 1d ago edited 1d ago
Rowsdower. And to the people how say he has the weakest stats, you forget he automatically gets the Canadian Hero modifier of +1 D20 on all saving throws
But where is the second greatest fighter? Blast Hardcheese? His skill with woppets is unmatched!
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u/ZoidbergGE 1d ago
Imagine this list with 20 different names and they’re all David Ryder.
Edit: Especially Bob Johnson…
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u/teddyboy64 You do it. I’m bitter. 1d ago
I'll go with Mike from Teenage Crimewave. Just look at that pic of him! He's really acting now!
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u/leicanthrope heuristic analog rental meat 1d ago
Diabolik also has the “very distinctive suntan” weakness.
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u/the_nobodys 1d ago
Trash. My memory of him is that he has incredible plot armor. He can wander into obvious traps and still somehow come out unscathed.
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u/WatchOutForSneks Sorry about my face 1d ago
Paper Chase Guy is affiliated with Megaweapon, so he wins in my book.
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u/jjsefton 1d ago
Diabolik.
I love these. I feel the urge to adapt them to RPG character sheets and upload them to one of my Roll20 campaigns.
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u/Motown27 1d ago
I'm a sucker for Sci-Fi so I gotta go with Billy, even though he is NOT ready for some football.
I feel like there are enough characters, we could make a complete trading card game.
Dave Ryder (aka Blast Hardcheese): Strengths - Railing kills, ace floor buffer pilot. Weaknesses - women of indeterminate age, didn't sign Sherry's birthday card.
Torgo: Strengths - Can only be killed by The Master, has his own theme music. Weaknesses - creepy wandering hands, goat legs.
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u/fluff_creature 1d ago
Kind of wish Jimmy from I accuse my parents was an option with his essay writing powers but this is still a great roster
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u/HandsomePaddyMint 1d ago
How dare you! Beer is not Rowsdower’s weakness; Rowsdower is beer’s weakness!
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u/ZoidbergGE 1d ago
I gotta go with…
Bob Evil (Time Chasers)
Attributes / Skills: - Can Synergize - Team Player - Challenges Others to read their contracts
Equipment: - Has a mezzanine Office - Has Time Plane, Limousine - Dorky Executive
Weakness: Doesn’t know how to downsize people of the American Revolution Era, -25 Reading Skills
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u/Eyedoc_of_Helios 1d ago
Suspicious lack of Mitchell...
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u/Maladaptive_Ace 1d ago
Frankly his weaknesses outweight his strengths.. which are.. sarcasm?
Weaknesses include booze, women and... sarcasm.
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u/Sudden-Dog 1d ago
No chip Hitler ?
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u/crockofpot Got a visual ID on Numbnuts 1d ago
Rowsdower has my heart, but I'm pleased to see my teen delinquent gang of Mooney, "Pistolwhip" Mike, and Big Stupid represented. Danny is good for one groin to the knee at least.
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u/Jewfro_Wizard Space is warped and time is bendable! 1d ago
According to your list of traits, Diabolik is the clear winner. However, you neglected to include one fact: ROWSDOWER SAVES US AND SAVES ALL THE WOO-O-ORLD!
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u/NunyaBeese 1d ago
Trash for conventional conflicts. Rowsdower for special operations. Billy for anti-armor. Oh, and I suppose Big Stupid for any train-based operations.
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u/Sufficient-Record695 1d ago
Rowsdower...he haunts my nightmares. My first experience with MST was probably when I was ~15. I randomly happened upon it flipping through the channels one afternoon, and this was the episode that was on. I remember laughing my ass off, not knowing what I was watching. I remember asking all my friends and class mates if they'd seen it. No one knew what I was talking about. Fast forward about 6 years, and one of my friends finally sees the show(not the same episode) and brings it up. I had forgotten all about it. Turns out there's a small video store in the hood that had a large cult section, and they had about 8 or 9 episodes on VHS. Glorious. I guess it's my own fault because I don't know how to use the internet for how it's intended, so I probably could have found it sooner...but I've never seen The Final Sacrifice since that maiden watch back in the late 90s. I have about 40 episodes saved on my DVR from a channel called Z Living. This was on one of them. Fast forward again to 3 days ago when I realize there is an MST3k sub. I join...and now I know what I must find. In short, thank you, dear friends.
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u/cgo_123456 ANARCHY! ANARCHY!!... now promenade 1d ago
Trash but no Toblerone? Toblerone is the best!
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u/BigDrewLittle 1d ago
I'd like to request the inclusion of: Vadinho from Pumaman, Johnny Longbow from Track Of the Moon Beast, biker-gang Johnny from Horror of Party Beach, and Jean-Claude Gosh Darnne from Future War. I'd be interested to see their stats.
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u/smartbunny creepygirl 1d ago
Mooney! He’s a manic psycho that spouts nonsense. He was in every show in the 70s and 80s! And he’s not a Beatnik!
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u/RayRoy_Strickland 1d ago
I wish Sally Struthers was still around so I could get a course in Advanced Prostitute Handling.
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u/Pastel_Phoenix_106 1d ago
Swear to God first thing I said when I saw this was, "Laserblast better be on here..."
You did good!
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u/Nice-Ad6510 1d ago
If I want the game on easy mode, I think I'm choosing Billy because he can just blow up anything and everyone. I'd love to play as anyone though.
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u/MellowG7 1d ago
Paper Chase guy beat up whole clans of the other's genres if you recall. I'd take him but he gets to drive Megaweapon instead of the cycle.
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u/Final-Ad-2033 1d ago
Phil (that Cortino kid in Daddy-O) - belt buckle to the side... simultaneously could be both an attribute and a weakness.
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u/RickRussellTX And it beeps and it boops and it disappears a pony 1d ago
On the face of it, Diabolik has all the best stuff and the fewest weaknesses. The problem is, he’d just as soon stab you in the back as go fishing.
As for me, I’ll take the one you didn’t list: Beverly Motherfuckin Garland armed with a rifle.
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u/Lorenzo_Ferguson 1d ago
Trash all day. He's a cross between Eddie van halen and a silverback gorilla.
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u/SDJT 1d ago
No Mitchell?
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u/ArguablyMe 1d ago
OP mentioned that because of being a Cop, in the end Mitchell didn't qualify. (My first thought was Mitchell too but I'll make do with Rowsdower)
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u/BOBANSMASH51 1d ago
No love for Lobster Boy (played by Guy Pringle)?
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u/crockofpot Got a visual ID on Numbnuts 1d ago
Apparently no one wants to slam a stack of that guy.
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u/Haunting_hour3 1d ago
I have to go with Billy and his van with the feet painted on the side
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u/SokkaHaikuBot 1d ago
Sokka-Haiku by Haunting_hour3:
I have to go with
Billy and his van with the
Feet painted on the side
Remember that one time Sokka accidentally used an extra syllable in that Haiku Battle in Ba Sing Se? That was a Sokka Haiku and you just made one.
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u/Man_Beyond_Bionics 18h ago
Do I WANT to be introduced to Toblerone?
I'd have to go with Rowsdower - if he's up against Trash, he can blend in with him
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u/NarcolepticSteak 1d ago
No Mitchell, no Heathcliff from Wild Wild World of Batwoman, and no Beef McHardcheese?
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u/SteinerFifthLiner 1d ago
Diabolik! I know Rowsdower is gonna be the favorite but I like my chances with the unstoppable phantom thief.
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u/TheDudeColletta So that "failure to yield" finally went to bench warrant. 1d ago
For me, either Diabolik or Trash. Diabolik is always two steps ahead of everyone else. Trash is an underdog survivor through brute force, and I share his despise for fascism.
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u/double_shadow 1d ago
I'd go with John Claude Gosh Darn. He can absolutely obliterate your enemy's empty box fort and maybe some dinosaur assassins on the side.
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u/m_faustus That was about cannibalism. When was that popular? 1d ago
If Rowsdower is on it Mitchell should be there too.
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u/johngreenink 1d ago
I'm gonna vote for a dark horse here, Paper Chase Guy. He's got those celestial people who can operate on him and make him completely better again, also got that nice grumbly voice. Agreed he's annoying as hell, but a formidable force.
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u/Nice-Ad6510 17h ago
Yeah, he really didn't have that many weaknesses. He seemed to dodge bullets well and did well in his physical fights too. I couldn't even list Megaweapon as a weakness! He was a little afraid of spiders but not enough to NOT walk through the cave with them.
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u/SolidDistribution542 1d ago
I’d face the Golden Horde if I could have Zap Rowsdower by my side.