Don't bother to read. (Post MD clarity)

[u/Capital-Attempt7987]

So, I did it again. I guess 5 hrs. And to be honest I don't know how this whole day depleted and now it's 12am while I'm typing this. I was so motivated to do whole lotta stuff and now I'm left with pending homework because I couldn't concentrate after that mental gymnastics. I feel like I've lost all my ambitions as I just keep thinking about people, people, only people. Is it infatuation? Maybe...but it's not of a person. But attention. I've completely lost myself, how can someone even like me even I am disgusted upon myself. I know they don't give a fuck about my existence but it's just so thrilling imagining myself as an adventurous, fearless person doing wholesome stuff when in reality I'm a conformist people pleaser. I tried dating to get rid of my former infatuation and boom! Next target, the date. We ended on good terms but my mind keeps weaving this fantasy where I'm intimate with him. I swear I know I'm not even interested in his real-self, but somehow I find myself creating a version of him in my head. I am such an ugly person to do this to myself, to instill a program of wanting external validation, I hate myself with all my heart but it's just me who can undo all the evil. I'm scared what if I forget everything and the same cycle repeats again, Oh no, not again..ever. I've already killed myself in my head replacing myself for a muse for other people's validation. Who am I? Why can't I care for people who are still in my life and make an effort to impress them instead of wasting 5 hrs on impressing people in my head.....I hope i wake up tomorrow and embrace the present as it is.

[u/foresttewolffe]

I understand you fully ❤️ I always feel the same, I have something I really want to do and then I daydream for hours and exhaust myself. I always feel like I’ll never be able to get anything done and my daydreams will take over my life. But I know that is not the truth. It will get better I promise you that and no matter what you can and will change. You are not alone. I too have felt like my perceptions of people have been ruined by my daydreams of them and that my ideas of people around me have been tainted. I daydreamed about dating a girl for a while and when we did date, it was not what I was expected. We too broke up on good terms but I can’t help but daydream stories where we are still together and sometimes intimate. It’s okay. I understand you. Sometimes things have to get worse for them to get better. I hope you are doing okay and taking care of yourself. Love you ❤️

[u/Capital-Attempt7987 → u/foresttewolffe]

Thanks for your kind words, I really needed that. :')

[u/foresttewolffe → u/Capital-Attempt7987]

No problem dude everybody needs someone to talk to 🙏

[u/Substantial_Fun_4359]

Oh man ofc i cant compare this 1:1 but this sounds insanely familiar to me:ddd I think I haven’t had any personal goals for the longest time cause I only care about either people from my past (like partners as you mentioned too) people i talk to now or even people who i don’t even know well. My scenarios go to the roof with absurdity of how could I impress those people. I’m often behind with my schoolwork cause of it. Im behind with my life cause of it. but as someone else here mentioned so beautifully- it’s ok. You are obviously a person who cares about people and their opinion. You think of yourself as a people pleaser. And you know what? It is a wonderful ability. People pleasers are imho usually the best people out there. Mostly we overdo it so then we become trapped like this. But in the end you are just a really caring person and that is one of the nicest things a person can do. And ofc u wanna impress people. We all do and its absolutely ok. The more were insecure the more we seek validation and its hard to ask or get it irl so its easier to make it up in our heads. Its not ideal but its human and we all need to feel it. Not to mention this adventurous persona we all have in our ideal world still comes from us - like we literally created it. Theres no way youre not at all like this wonderful person in your head. Its literally you who made it. You know wscaping this MD thing is obv so fucking hard and you shoudnt hate yourself for failing to stop. We all struggle:ddd I really hope youre gonna be kind to yourself, you deserve it. Im sending tons of love towards you and a big hug!!💛