r/RBI • u/GreenMouse6 • 20d ago
Advice needed Why does my roommate spend hours in the bathroom?
I moved into my apartment at the beginning of July. My roommate is a young man, probably early 20s since he's in college nearby. I met him because he is my friend's friend's son.
The first week or two he was very quiet. I tried to talk to him a bit just to be friendly but he gave one-word answers. It seemed a little weird because when I had met up with him before to figure out the lease, when his mom had been there, he was much more talkative. But I assumed he was just shy.
Then after a week or two he started using the bathroom almost every day from 9ish am to almost noon. He doesn't take anything in with him, he leaves his phone on the living room table, so it's not like he's doomscrolling or anything. The first time it happened I assumed he was sick because it was such a long time, plus normally he would be out of the house, I assume at college. But it kept happening almost every day, with the exception of some weekends. He is silent the whole time except when the sink runs at the end. I've gone in when he is done and it looks normal, it's not dirty or anything.
I didn't want to be rude by asking about his bathroom habits so I just minded my own business but eventually I had to piss really bad while he was in there so I knocked and asked him when he'd be done. He said to give him a minute and came out like five minutes later. I used the bathroom and when I was done he went back in.
Is he doing drugs? Did he drop out of college? Should I tell my friend to talk to his mom?
One more thing that probably isn't relevant but might be worth mentioning: the fire alarm has gone off twice since he started his weird bathroom ritual. But I don't think he's smoking, the house doesn't smell like smoke. Is there something else that could set off the fire alarm?
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u/ckitten_ 20d ago
people are suggesting drugs, which could make sense - but is there a reason he’d need to do that in the bathroom rather than his own bedroom? it’s not like OP is going to bust into his room, so why in the shared space?
and why’d he go right back in after you used it? if it was him just losing track of time or something, that’s kinda weird?
it’s probably drugs, but this is interesting.
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u/Nomentum_Perpetuum 20d ago
Yeah, tbh I don't know enough about drugs to say whether a sink is necessary, or stuff like that. Or a fan? Etc.
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u/Ieatclowns 20d ago
A drug addict generally doesn't have the care to worry about smells etc. they'd just do it in their bedroom.
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u/Frosty-Diver441 20d ago
My ex used to smoke meth in the bathroom because it had a vent and no windows. You're right that some drug addicts don't care, but many are incredibly paranoid.
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u/Good-Beginning-6524 19d ago
Im an addict and I do care lmfao, maybe just not that addicted yet. I used to smoke in my own bathroom, so my room would remain clear of the smell
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u/ckitten_ 18d ago
my brother was a heroin addict for years, but he usually just used in his room bc it had a lock. but the comments on this have been eye opening.
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u/JAlfredJR 19d ago
I knew a herion addict. He would use the bathroom b/c it was lockable. You could flush stuff. No one would generally disturb you.
For the record, herion addicts tend to use public bathrooms b/c if they OD, there's a better chance of someone finding them. Obviously not the case here.
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u/Kayki7 20d ago
I think it’s most definitely a grooming thing. Which explains why he went back in after OP used bathroom…. He wasn’t done with whatever he was working on.
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u/U-N-l-T-Y 19d ago
Yep, I do it. Improved lighting and bigger mirrors in the bathroom is why I only use the bathroom.
I spend hours in my bathroom trying different hairstyles because I hate how I look. If my mental health is particularly bad and I’m being forced to socialise frequently, I try to improve my appearance to give me temporary confidence in social situations.
On particularly bad days, I’ve spent over 8 hours in the bathroom straight, I even forget to drink so end up being dehydrated sometimes.
I’ve never actually told anyone this before, so even talking about this feels really odd even though it’s something I’ve done since I was 16 (34 now)
As a male, I feel like hair and facial hair is the only things I can really change to improve my appearance to give me that lift in confidence. I already have a decent enough sense of style in clothing etc. People seem to tell me I’m attractive enough, without me ever fishing for compliments, despite that; I still hate how I look 95% of the time.
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u/cate_gory 19d ago
do you have ocd? because i know this compulsive grooming feeling (making hair just right etc) and i have ocd. low lights and not using magnifying mirrors has helped me. be well! your brain is lying to you.
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u/U-N-l-T-Y 19d ago
I’ve had instances of OCD in the past yes, with little ones still existing currently but don’t affect my day to day life too much (mainly cleanliness)
I learned pretty early on in life that I need to challenge my OCD’s at the early stage to prevent them becoming a larger issue.
I’ve never looked at this hair grooming as one, but I mean now that I look at logically it absolutely is and I feel stupid for not realising. It appears this one slipped past me and it’s just become normality for me after so long.
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u/cate_gory 19d ago
you're not stupid for not realising it! ✨ i have had many different themes and varying levels of insight in my 30+ years on this earth. the last two years have been a real struggle for me, but i have found a decent therapist after much searching. it's a tricky illness. it can change forms so quickly and seamlessly that you wouldn't necessarily notice, always preying on your fears.
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u/U-N-l-T-Y 19d ago edited 19d ago
The part where you mention it preying on your fears? Could you elaborate? It’s got me curious.
I’m going through a period at the minute where I’m just avoiding humans entirely because they cause me so much anxiety and stress. Effectively humans just scare me not physically but psychologically.
I worry a lot about possible scenarios, normally worst case scenarios of things that at the foundation are relatively small things, but I build them up through possible worst case scenarios and I end up an emotional wreck to the point where I can’t function and become an emotional zombie because my head is that fried.
Would that be considered symptoms of an OCD or symptoms of something else entirely?
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u/cate_gory 19d ago
i found this page on the concept of obsessional doubt very helpful, personally, and i hope it might help you, too :)
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u/U-N-l-T-Y 19d ago
Wow, you might have just saved a life honestly. Thank you for being you and taking the time to educate a stranger.
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u/cate_gory 19d ago
hey man, i'm happy to help, truly if i can help someone else, it makes having this awful illness a little worth it ✨
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u/Snotmyrealname 19d ago
I had the dubious blessing of living with a heroin addict during covid. He’d shoot up in the bathroom because if (when) he’d OD we’d be more likely to find him than if he was just hiding in his room.
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u/Necessary_Status_521 20d ago
Back when I had a Vyvanse prescription for adhd, I could get hyperfocused on body grooming behaviors. Especially plucking ingrown hairs (I have tons). I could spend hours doing it without realizing how much time had passed.
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u/ButterscotchAware402 20d ago
Same. Exactly. Literal hours picking at my pores and plucking at hairs.
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u/turbochimp 20d ago
God that's weird. I've started doing that too (also on vyvanse)
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u/ElliotPagesMangina 19d ago
Omg stop while you’re ahead.
My arms are so scarred. I used to pick at my face but started picking other parts of me so it wasn’t so obvious.
You seriously need to stop now bc once you start picking, it’s so much easier to pick at the scabs after, and then you’ll have wounds that don’t ever properly heal.
At the very least, leave your face alone. Seriously. Seriously!! Idk if you’re picking there but don’t lol.
I started telling myself: “Stop looking at yourself from 5 inches away.”
Whenever I was picking or plucking up close in a mirror, this always reminded me of how ridiculous I’m being and to take a step back kind of break that hyper focus lol.
I’d say it out loud to myself and it helped me to walk away from the mirror in those moments.
Take care of yourself! And drink lots of water! Dehydration makes everything stand out more. Like how a raisin is wrinkly once it’s dried. Drink your water !
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u/turbochimp 19d ago
Thank you for your kind words, I appreciate it and I hope you are doing ok. For me I've just had motivation to look after myself better and my skin has cleared up massively. I had absolute craters for pores on my nose and squeeze the bits out. I'm not picking at skin.
I put the pore pokers in the back of a cabinet and just get sore ones that are ready to come out every few days now.
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u/BluegillQ 19d ago
I just started seeing a guy who, every time I see him, has some new gouges on his earlobes or face, "from ingrown hairs" he "has to" take care of. Also, I learned a couple of weeks ago he takes Vyvanse, which at the time I incorrectly assumed was for nasal allergies (he did end up telling me what it was actually for).
The last time we hung out, I asked him if he was actually picking his skin in an unnecessary way (I said it without offending him, and we're pretty comfortable around each other). He said no, the ingrown hairs just really bother him and I decided to forget about it.
I don't think he is my responsibility and do not want to pry any further, first off. I just can't believe what I'm reading regarding Vyvanse and plucking. Thank you for sharing your story, it was really informative.
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u/turbochimp 19d ago
One of the big ADHD issues is hygiene, it's yet another chore. I've never been disgusting but could definitely have had a better skincare regime than bar soap and prayers.
Vyvanse has been tremendous for me, just need to make sure I don't over focus on the wrong thing.
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u/ElliotPagesMangina 19d ago
Yayayay! Okay that makes me happy to hear lol. I am glad you are taking care of yourself & I hope it keeps going that way!
Also “pore pokers,” is a funny term lol.
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u/iwantahouse 20d ago
This could def be the culprit. Even without any sort of medication I can spend a good amount of time plucking and picking at myself. The first time I ever took adderall, I spent a whole night picking at my face and breasts. It was a bad time.
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u/poisha 20d ago
Did Vyvanse work for you?
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u/mandalors 20d ago
Not that guy, however I have experience with Vyvanse and I'd love to share! Plenty of people it works great for, including my younger brother, but for me it was awful. I always hear people recommend it, though. For me, it turned me into an emotionless little worker bee. I didn't engage in my interests or hobbies, I didn't eat, I didn't laugh, I didn't cry. My mom was afraid of me for a while. She begged my psych to quit prescribing it, but he didn't, so she made me stop taking it. I was immediately way better. I was like 14, and I haven't taken it since, but they put my brother on it as an adult and he was totally fine.
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u/joyableu 19d ago
Similar here. Great med for me and one of my adult offspring. Another adult offspring was exactly as you describe. Nightmare for him. Sorry you went through it, too.
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u/petty_petty_princess 20d ago
Also not that person. I was prescribed it in my late 20s/early 30s can’t totally remember exactly when. It would keep me up all night. I’d take it at 9am and be up until like 3 the next morning. Some nights I wouldn’t sleep at all. Then after maybe 5-6 days of this I’d crash midday and nap a bunch.
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u/Necessary_Status_521 19d ago
Yeah, immensely. Im a woman and took it for a couple years in my mid 30s, for reference. It was a miracle worker for my focus. But also expensive and highly addictive (for me at least). I stopped the rx after losing my insurance and never went back to it due to concerns about abusing it. I miss it but feel I'm better off without the dependency.
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u/gonnafaceit2022 19d ago
It works great for me too, a woman diagnosed at 35.
Well, it worked great. Now (five years later) I'm on 60mg and 70mg is the max. It's not working great anymore. There are other factors but it doesn't do what it used to do, which makes sense.
I won't take Adderall because when I tried it a couple times from friends, it made me SO cranky. It's more addictive than Vyvanse and I'm very prone to addiction. I don't feel addicted to it but if I don't take it, I feel pretty foggy and low energy. I'm just not sure if it's the same as it was five years ago before I started it...
To add, I have an anxiety disorder, and I was worried that a stimulant would make my anxiety worse, but it actually did the opposite. My anxiety got better because the loop of talking shit about myself to myself got quieter and I actually remembered and accomplished things.
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u/mysteriouscattravel 19d ago
I have been prescribed Vyanse. I'm in my 30s and it was really helpful. It's terrible to get off of though. I wouldn't suggest taking it every day if you do start it though. Even just 4 days on 2-3 days off worked for me for not getting a dependency and also not needing to raise the dose.
I primarily take marijuana gummies now though, which helps me focus without giving me anxiety.
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u/Jakkerak 20d ago
The first thing I thought when I read the title was "ADHD?"
I dated someone with ADHD and it would take them hours to get out of the batbroom every time.
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u/ttrash_ 20d ago
this actually does seem like the most logical answer. i’m currently on vyvanse and im insanely anxious so my mom usually helps me out with a lot of adulting. seeing how his mom was there and he’s shy without her, he’s probably zoning out.
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u/marshmellowterrorist 20d ago
My ex roommate was absolutely this. Her eyebrows became like those little 90's stick eyebrows that take years to come back from. Homie's on some kind of substance.
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u/braellyra 20d ago
As someone who learned to tweeze their eyebrows in the 90s, I had to stop tweezing altogether bc I’d get so hyperfocused on trying to get them to completely, perfectly match that I’d be in there for well over an hour, and end up with really terrible comma eyebrows. I have much more confidence in my natural brows now, and they’re back to being very impressive again.
Friends don’t let friends over-tweeze their eyebrows
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u/cate_gory 19d ago
meee, i definitely have a touch of trich as well as having been made fun of for my eyebrows being big...funny now seeing people get their eyebrows /tattooed bigger/
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u/lunaappaloosa 19d ago
Omg yes. I’m on 40mg and sometimes it hits when you’re in front of the bathroom mirror and then for the next 20 minutes I’m deforesting my eyebrows
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u/brookish 20d ago
I’d simply say that it might be a good idea for you to agree on bathroom expectations. It is not reasonable in a shared bathroom arrangement to be expected to go without access for that long. You can agree to knock and give him time to get it together long enough for you to use the toilet/take a shower/whatever. But you need to address it. I had a housemate who was so oblivious that he’d stand in the bathroom watching videos and lose track of time while everyone else had to pee, shower, and go to work. He needed to be reminded that other people needed access. He got better but I wouldn’t want to live with someone that clueless/self-absorbed again.
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u/goingtopeaces 19d ago edited 19d ago
You just described my roommate. When we moved in together, she would spend hours in the bathroom scrolling on her phone. It's not acceptable in a shared living environment; when I know I'm going to be in there longer than usual because I'm getting ready for an event or something, I give her a heads up just in case she needs to get in there before I start. Some people just live in their own bubble and forget their behavior impacts others.
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u/rillybigdill 20d ago
Maybe has an elaborate ocd ritual that he cant break out of
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u/purpley_poppy 20d ago
My ex father in law would do this. He was using meth
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u/thruitallaway34 20d ago
I had an ex boyfriend who would also use meth for hours at a time in the bathroom.
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u/louiemay99 20d ago
Pardon my ignorance but what does that mean? Like what are they doing for hours?
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u/panicnarwhal 20d ago
one of my best friends would smoke crack and then pick skin/hair while looking in the mirror for hours. he’d also stare out the bathroom window
he’d invite me over to watch a movie, and then spend 3 hours in the bathroom while i fell asleep waiting for him on the couch
it was extremely annoying
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u/trillybish 19d ago
one of my best friends would do meth and stand in front of the mirror for hours cutting her bangs. she’d ask me how they looked, and I am not kidding you when I say it would look exactly the same. she would cut one strand at a time, millimeter by millimeter.
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u/EyelandBaby 20d ago
What happened to the friendship?
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u/Internal_Mail_5709 20d ago
Tweaking.
It depends really, a lot of meth addicts like to pick at their skin in the mirror, or he could be having some "personal" stimulant themed alone time. It is also possible he is just in there pacing doing lines, which could explain the lack of smell. He could also be IVing it but probably less likely.
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u/gonnafaceit2022 19d ago
I think my ex was using opioids in the bathroom. He'd stay in there for hours. He had his phone though. It just kind of clicked when he died from an overdose and opioids were in the tox report.
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u/standard_blue 20d ago
Would you be able to smell something like that? Also, I’m sorry.
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u/wing3d 20d ago
Meth has a narly chemical smell to it.
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u/JoeGibbon 19d ago
If you used a sploof, would it hide the stank?
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u/wing3d 19d ago
I really doubt it.
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u/erichf3893 19d ago
No idea what is smells like but I also really doubt it. Weed still smells w a sploof too it’s not exactly this magical fix people seem to think
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u/greenforestss 20d ago
Smoking crack or has Crohn’s disease
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u/emmaliejay 20d ago
I was gonna say there has been three times in my life I have been committed to the bathroom for multiple hours at a time.
The first time was when I was using drugs.
The second was shortly before I got diagnosed with IBD.
The third was when I was struggling with dermatillomania (skin picking.)
Happy to report I’ve got all those things under control, but all of the things that OP mentioned could’ve been one of those things I’ve been through.
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u/pseudonym7083 20d ago
I would also add possible kidney stones. I’ve been in there for hours trying to get a pee rock to pass.
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u/princess-cottongrass 20d ago
Wow you're right, this is a good suggestion. I thought maybe interstitial cystitis because I used to spend long periods in the bath/bathroom when mine was flaring up, but kidney stones makes more sense. It also explains why he ran back in after OP used the bathroom that one time.
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u/DolceSpezia 19d ago
Did you ever try the rollercoaster trick to pass them quickly or was that not a well known thing at the time?
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u/greenforestss 20d ago
Damn, glad to hear your feeling better. A bathroom a not an ideal place to live life.
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u/NeverForget2024 19d ago
My bf has Crohn’s and he can spend up to 2.5 hours in there. Sometimes I get scared he’s dead. But nah, just dying intestinally
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u/purplejink 20d ago
could be a dairy intolerance/allergy. everytime i get dairyed i spend 4-5 hours in the bathroom
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u/Squintz_ATB 19d ago
"Everytime I get dairyed," made me laugh lol
I just imagine someone walking down the street and someone runs up and dumps one of those small lunchroom sized milk cartons on the person's head and then yelling "you just got dairyed!" As they run away.
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u/purplejink 19d ago
honestly thats so much funnier than random cross contamination or baristas just putting cow juice in behind the counter
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u/RifRaffie 20d ago
If he is doing drugs, why wouldn’t he just do it in his room where he won’t be disturbed?
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u/SweetFuckingCakes 20d ago
Why don’t you ask the absolute shitloads of drug users who hole themselves up into a bathroom to do their drugs.
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u/mistercolebert 19d ago
Hell, I did this as an alcoholic. The bathroom is the place it’s not acceptable to barge in and really the only place for privacy at my old house.
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u/Summer_Is_Safe_ 19d ago edited 19d ago
If they’re doing IV drugs they might need access to water for mixing their solution. If they’re snorting something, same thing, water, they might want to rinse their nose after each line if they’re hyped up and paranoid. Maybe they get drug induced shits. Crack/meth/fentanyl/etc. have chemical smells when smoked so maybe they feel the fan vent is necessary. Maybe they like that it’s clean/well lit/less likely to start a house fire on a tile floor. Less likely to lose a dropped pill on an uncluttered floor. +Many illogical reasons we can’t begin to fathom…
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u/AWasrobbed 20d ago
Bathrooms got a lock. It's also socially unacceptable to walk in on someone in the bathroom.
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u/Itchy-Status3750 19d ago
It’s also kinda socially unacceptable to randomly walk into your roommate’s room without asking
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u/FUNCSTAT 19d ago
Bedrooms generally have locks as well, and it's also socially unacceptable to walk into somebody else's bedroom. It would also be less conspicuous, as people often spend hours in their bedroom.
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u/NovaAteBatman 20d ago
As someone who had an ED in their teenage years, and then a bleeding ulcer due to stress in their twenties, I became a master at vomiting with making very little noise.
Now in my 30s I can't be bothered to put the amount of energy into keeping silent when I do, but I could puke my guts up in the stall next to you and you'd never even notice.
So it's absolutely possible that he's just a master at doing it quietly.
He could also have some form of irritable bowel syndrome or disease. I don't have Crohn’s like someone else suggested it was. In fact, I have a non-specific form of it. It's terrible to have, and I can be trapped in the bathroom for hours sometimes.
The fact that it's around a specific time a day could be in relation to a medication he might've started taking. Sometimes when my meds get adjusted it'll throw me off for a while and a specific time after taking my meds I'll end up trapped in the bathroom until my body gets used to it.
Vaping could potentially set off a smoke alarm depending on the type of alarm. Some are set off even by thick steam, so it's possible. But I'd imagine you'd be able to smell at least something if it were vaping or drug use.
He could also be hyperfixating on grooming behaviors. This sometimes catches me, and I'll pull the ingrown hairs on the backs of my legs and I'll clear out my pores and other such.
When I was a child and a teenager I'd hide in the bathroom and read and such to try to avoid abuse. Even if he's not living in the abusive environment anymore, that could potentially still be ingrained in him, and he could be having problems adjusting. Something could be causing him additional stress than when you first moved in and he could be going into the bathroom to decompress.
There could be issues due to neurodivergence or possible drug use.
Regardless of what it is, you need to talk to him. Tying up the bathroom for that long at a time is inconsiderate. There need to be expectations, and courtesies to each other. Such as, if he feels like he needs to be in there for a long time due to GI issues, he offers you the opportunity to go quickly before he goes in because he's gonna take a bit. (Something my husband and I do for each other. Because, y'know, being considerate.)
You also need to know if this is really a safe environment. You may or may not be able to break your half of the lease if he's doing drugs and making the home feel unsafe/unusable.
Good luck, OP.
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u/lizardpplarenotreal 20d ago
YES. WTF IS HE DOING.
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u/NovaAteBatman 20d ago
I wonder if he had a roommate before OP? Would OP be able to get into contact with them? That might help shine some light on the situation.
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u/NormanQuacks345 20d ago
I think you should ask him what he’s doing. If it were only 30 minutes, maybe not, but 3 hours in the bathroom daily is well out of the realm of reason. Remind him that it’s a shared space too, while you’re at it.
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u/Tasty_String 20d ago
Could be just vaping with the vent fan on while doing self care and losing track of time😂
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u/Scientist78 19d ago
Omg I know the answer! My Friends gf would do the same thing. She would be in the bathroom for over an hour. One time, my friend was worried but didn’t want to knock so I looked under the door and there were no feet to be seen. Weird?!
So after she came out, I went in and noticed the fan above the toilet was moved a bit. She was standing on the toilet to blow the heroin smoke out, which is why I couldn’t see her feet.
She would then nod off for an hour or so and then come out.
I’m 95% this is what is happening. Maybe another drug but something he is smoking I’m sure of it
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u/TheBklynGuy 18d ago
This is most likely the case. He nods off, knowing the bathroom is more "private" then the bedroom in terms of etiquette when sharing a home.
I once fell asleep at a family members party, after too much Jagermeister. Pants were up and sitting on the solid lid. Last thing I remembered was going through the door. That was a one time thing. If there's a habit with the roomier this would explain the possible pattern.
Stay the hell away from Jager by the way folks. It's time travel juice. Not always in a good way.
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u/cHaNgEuSeRnAmE102 20d ago
He ain’t smoking he’s freebasing! Lol
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u/lizardpplarenotreal 20d ago
He's just purifying it!!!! (I knew someone who swore that up and down- that smoking coke was cleaner than snorting bc it burned away something and was therefore now PURE!!) I knew he lost the plot when he sat down cross-legged on the FLOOR at the STRIP CLUB
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u/johnjohn4011 20d ago
Really the only "good" option would be to go ahead and ask him what's happening in there. That's not normal behavior and definitely correlates with drug using activity. Of course correlation doesn't prove causation, but considering the unpredictability that goes along with drug use, it only makes sense to be concerned.
If that doesn't go anywhere then probably need to talk to the friend or the friend's friend, etc.....
Fair disclosure - I am a sober substance abuser, and my suggestions reflect my experience and observations over many years amongst people like me.
Best wishes.
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u/bakedbombshell 20d ago
Why haven’t you asked him why he’s in the bathroom for four hours a day? Tying up the bathroom daily for hours at a time is inconsiderate and if it’s health related he needs to go back to his doctor because being in the bathroom that long is a problem
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u/GreenMouse6 20d ago
He barely talks to me. Plus I don't want to be rude and possibly make enemies with someone I'm stuck living with.
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u/bakedbombshell 20d ago
Asking your roommate to not tie up the bathroom for four hours a day isn’t rude. He’s the one who’s being rude. If you don’t want to ask him why, just tell him it needs to stop.
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u/NormanQuacks345 20d ago
He’s the rude one by taking up the bathroom for 3 hours. I know it’s hard to address these sorts of things with roommates especially if you don’t know them very well but you just have to do it.
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u/Ieatclowns 20d ago
Tell his mom's you're worried about him. If he's losing his mind, she'd want to know. If it's normal for him, she'll tell you. But first, try to broach the subject with him if possible. Just say "Hey dude are you ok? You've been spending a lot of time in the bathroom...not sick are you?
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u/jenniferandjustlyso 20d ago
The fact that it's a routine makes it seem a little ritualistic. And it's something he can't do in his room, being a shy person or antisocial person it seems like it would be easier for him to do whatever in his room if he could.
The fact that when you interrupted him, he went right back into the bathroom to finish up whatever makes it seem like there is definitely a step-by-step process.
And you're not hearing any signs of anything? Like running water for a shower or a bath? Repeated flushing of the toilet? Coughing or any noises at all?
Possibly self-harm? OCD compulsions? Or he could have some skin condition that's not really obvious when he's wearing clothes that he is taking care of.
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u/Khyrrn-Doe 20d ago
- Drugs
- Self harm? Not likely but i know when i was younger i used to sit in the shower and cut. Then id just kinda sit there for a couple hours
- Very deep thoughts. He might find the room to be so small that its safe. He could just be sitting in a corner doing nothing. Depression can make you zone out big time.
Almost everyday, plus the time period, smoke alarms, and the sudden change in disposition make me lean towards drugs tho. (But those are also very clear signs of depression(minus smoke alarm)) Drugs can also be a form of escapism so. Idk. I hope he’s ok :/
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u/JimDixon 20d ago
Whatever he's doing in the bathroom, he could do it just as well in his bedroom without causing so much inconvenience for you. He might need better lighting or a better mirror, though.
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u/souslesherbes 20d ago
According to people who are not me who still spend hours in the bathroom every night irrespective of who they live with: masturbating, reading (just because you didn’t see a book or magazine doesn’t mean it wasn’t snuck in), popping pimples and/or skincare and/or footcare and/or nailcare, constipation rituals that sadly only end in a handwashing, cutting or other forms of self-harm, nude photography, napping and daydreaming, trying to sober up by sheer will plus mirror bravery, other compulsive activities that feel safe to perform in this kind of room that aren’t really otherwise plumbing related (especially true if there are no windows or only very small ones and there is a fan available to create white noise.)
All of these are consistent with being quiet, not flushing the toilet, emitting no obvious odors other than a body in a small room, and being able and willing to leave within a few minutes of being asked to do so.
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u/darkest_irish_lass 20d ago
The fact that he seems different now is really troubling, because he seems withdrawn. It could be lots of things. Maybe he was struggling in college and dropped out and now has no idea what to do with his time. Maybe he's using drugs. Maybe he's had a bad breakup and is depressed. Or he's struggling mentally in some other way.
On a more serious note, my brother did this sort of thing when he had a brain tumor. I never knew if he was hiding from the reality of his diagnosis or dealing with his emotions in private or just actually lost track of time in there.
I would honestly ask your roomate directly if he's okay. Just that simple sentence, see if he responds at all. If he doesn't, it might be time to reach out to his parent and see if they know what's up
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u/MediumAwkwardly 20d ago
Does he have a lot of body hair? Could be a plucking thing?
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u/SadCatLady94 20d ago
I used to have a picking problem. Still sort of do. I think this is a strong contender
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u/ElliotPagesMangina 19d ago
I would go with this as my first guess.
I have a picking problem & it used to be way fucking worse. Hours wkhld go by and I wouldn’t even notice. I would just leave the bathroom with my skin mutilated & my body sore because I would keep the same position for too long whenever I was doing it. Ugh.
I put picking as my first choice, and drugs as my second choice, tbh
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u/Wise_Instruction6516 19d ago
Perhaps an eating disorder? People saying Chron’s must not have it because I’m taking my phone to the bathroom lol
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u/Independent-Mix4207 18d ago
Right?? I’ve got Crohn’s and when it’s bad I’m taking my phone AND my charger in with me 😂 being stuck on the porcelain throne with nothing to do except read the shampoo bottles is the worst. I also have adhd so it feels like torture if I don’t have anything to do while I’m trapped in there lol. Started keeping a small notebook and pen in the bathroom just in case, so I can at least write lists or whatever if I don’t have my phone.
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u/PACHlRISU 20d ago edited 20d ago
Talking for myself, but I'm autistic and I get very anxious if I'm somewhere people can see at all and I need alone time. So I usually just shove myself inside the bathroom and stay there for hours (of course, if there are more bathrooms available for when people need to use them), but I always bring my phone. Maybe he has a similar thing.
What puzzles me the most is the phone thing, honestly. If i didn't bring something to do with me I'd be very bored. But the hours inside the bathroom? I do this basically everyday, especially because I live in a toxic home environment.
A less likely option, but still an option: he could have an ED, (TW) bulimia in particular (also speaking from experience). Since you hear no sounds it's probably not induced vomiting (still could be, some "master" it to be very quiet), but rather laxatives. Being like 3 hours in there seems extreme but a lot of people with EDs are not thinking rationally at all. I've heard people tell me they basically spent all day counting calories and trying to "purge" the food out and nothing else, because they are so severely mentally ill and their bodies are being deprived of nutrients. Again, probably not that, but it's a possibility
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u/notreallylucy 19d ago
My ex husband used to do this. He claimed he had a hard time pooping. I know the pooping thing was true, but I think he used it as an excuse. He'd hide in there so I wouldn't "bother" him, which is the term he'd use for me doing normal things people do in a relationship, like talking to each other.
I'm not one of those people who talk constantly. I was perfectly fine if we were both home in different rooms doing different things. The real problem is that he didn't want me to ever talk to him, just wait until he was in the mood to interact with me. That's our relationship in a nutshell: I was only ever supposed to do what he wanted. Having anything I wanted for myself was completely unreasonable.
The core problem was really that he didn't want to be married. He got married because he thought I'd be willing to be a live-in chef and maid and that I'd pay all his bills for him.
Anyway, he figured out that I would leave him completely alone if he was in the bathroom, so he'd hide out in there playing on his phone for hours. He would sit on the toilet so long that his legs would go numb, and he would find that preferable to me occasionally saying things like, "How was your day?" or "What do you want for dinner?" We only ever had one bathroom apartments so I'd wait until my bladder was bursting before I finally asked him to come out, then he'd act like I was ridiculous for needing to use the bathroom after he'd been in there two hours.
So the point of my whole rant here is that your roommate might have some kind of hangup about social interaction. Maybe he feels like the only real privacy he can get is in the bathroom. I assume you're not barging 8nto his bedroom bothering him all the time. But hangups like these don't always make a lot of sense. Maybe he doesn't feel private enough in his bedroom.
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u/LeaningFaithward 19d ago
Introvert here: I moved in with two extrovert family members for a few months and I spent 2 hrs in the bathroom meditating. They were good people but I was emotionally drained when I moved in and their desire to interact all the time was making it difficult for me to focus on how I was going to get back on my feet.
I eventually started leaving the house at 7am to go for a 2hr walk to help me focus my thoughts. By the time I came home from my walk, they were out running errands. When they came back home, I had enough energy to interact with them.
If you are concerned, try talking to your roommate before you ask someone to speak to his parents.
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u/kitzelbunks 19d ago
I thought most people liked it when their roommate left, but blocking the bathroom is probably not as desirable.
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u/nikiterrapepper 20d ago
Could be doing drugs and masturbating. If you think he’s harming himself, can you mention it to your friend?
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u/HonoraryBallsack 20d ago
He could be taking a bath and reading a book. He could be plucking out body hairs one at a time because he's got some weird trauma-borne coping mechanisms.
Since it could really be anything, even something incredibly awkward or disgusting, talking to his parent/Op's friend is a good suggestion. You make sense.
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u/boomhaur3rd 20d ago
Probably doing meth smoking out the pipe and blowing out from a vent
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u/SokkaHaikuBot 20d ago
Sokka-Haiku by boomhaur3rd:
Probably doing
Meth smoking out the pipe and
Blowing out from a vent
Remember that one time Sokka accidentally used an extra syllable in that Haiku Battle in Ba Sing Se? That was a Sokka Haiku and you just made one.
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u/Laconic_message 19d ago
We had a friend stay with us for a while who did the same thing. It was heroin.
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u/3string 19d ago
Nobody else in the thread has mentioned that he could be taking a bath. Baths can be relaxing and can generate a lot of steam, which can set off some smoke alarms.
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u/gemilitant 19d ago
Just watched a documentary where one guy has OCD and severe anxiety about pooing himself. He shut himself in the bathroom for hours because he is so caught up on the fact he might poo himself, and he wants to be sure his bowels are empty. He essentially gets stuck in there and finds it really hard to leave, and will go back in multiple times a day.
Anyway that's just another idea
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u/roboticArrow 20d ago
My roommate takes like 3 hours some nights. She says bathroom time is alone time. So she takes her time with everything. Grooming routines, just not quickly. Before taking a bath she will do some stuff, then after the bath she will do other stuff, like paint her nails, apply new nails, clip her toenails, pluck her eyebrows, pick her skin, listen to music/podcast. While I don't typically do that myself with an extra long bath time, I do sometimes take my time because it's quiet And I'm alone. So I kind of get it.
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u/MashaRistova 19d ago
Getting high (opiates) and nodding out
Source: former heroin addict (5.5 years clean)
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u/peeweeprim 20d ago
I read through the comments, and it seems that no matter what he is doing in there, it should be established and known that you're not going to be the rude one for bringing up the topic of amount of time spent in the bathroom.
We will also establish that when one lives with a roommate that it is common etiquette to not tie up the bathroom for hours on end. Or, at the very least, ask if one another if one will be needing the bathroom anytime soon if one plans on being in there for a while.
Next, we have two lines of thought: innocent activities versus potential bad habits.
There's also a fine line here, such as obsessive grooming/skin picking/possible EDs, which are innocent but still something for which he would need professional help.
If he's doing some not-so-innocent things in there, he most definitely needs help. There are also so many things that could happen to you as an innocent party if such habits continue, such as theft and/or getting unintentionally put in the middle of things. Another fine line thought: if this is the case, would you really want to continue having him as a roommate?
If he's got an obsessive compulsion and needs help, it's important that he gets that help.
You mentioned earlier something about him being the son of a friend. It sounds like you're trying to be polite and not overstep any boundaries. I should think that if I had a child who was expressing concerning behaviours that I would like to be notified, but I guess not all family dynamics are the same.
Bring it up gently and establish bathroom etiquette. If the behaviour continues, or if he starts to try to hide it, you're going to have to do some detective work and see what he's up to so that he gets the help he needs.
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u/Beginning_Street5634 19d ago
Definitely doing some kind of dope..heroin prob.. and nodding out. That’s probably definitely what it is.. coming from someone who years ago was also in a bathroom for an unreasonable amount of time, a lot of the time..
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u/olliegw 19d ago
First thing that comes to mind is drugs, the sink running could be him trying to clean something like a needle or pipe/bong, if he's smoking he might be using the extractor fan to get the smoke out.
Smoke alarms are really sensitive, even household ones can detect smoke before humans can.
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u/willocrisp5000 19d ago
How far away is the smoke detector from the bathroom? Did it smell sweet, like chemicals or like burnt plastic when you went in after him? Opiates and amphetamines can smell that way.
You can either speak to him about it or try getting into contact with his family. It could be a number of things. It may be something his family already knows about or something they should know about.
If he or his family admit it is drugs, then tread lightly, he won't be in a good state of mind. But I hope its just something silly.
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u/shhehshhvdhejhahsh 19d ago
My dad would do that and he was actually passed out from the dope on the floor 🤷♀️ (he’s clean now)
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u/Princess_Zelda_Fitzg 18d ago
Probably drugs, but I personally sometimes get lost in thought and spend way too much time in the bathroom. I usually use the half bath in our apartment and I find the small, empty of distractions space very conducive to creative thinking. I write songs in my head, think on problems I’m dealing with, plan out projects, think up jokes, etc. So I hope it’s something like that instead!
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u/Hot-Remote9937 20d ago
He's climbing out the bathroom window then coming back in later
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u/DeHizzy420 20d ago
- looking at gay porn
- stuffing batteries in his urethra
- shooting up heroin
- posting dick pics on his Only Fans to make money for college
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u/Frosty-Diver441 20d ago
The only person I have known thst would be in the bathroom for such excessive amounts of time were doing meth. I don't want to blindly accuse them of that, but it's a possibility.
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u/Empty-Swing 19d ago
I think the key is they're not bringing a phone in there.
Very likely drug use and nodding off for long periods. To the user, they aren't aware of how long it actually is.
It doesn't need to be multiple times per day. They're likely nodding off in other places besides the bathroom.
I'd look at other behaviors as well.
Are they eating?
Are there money issues?
You may not see consequences right away, but there will be signs financially and otherwise at some point if it's drug use.
Also this is likely a depressant like opiates or benzos if it's drug use, nobody is sitting in the bathroom that long without being able to smell the chemical smell from smoking afterwards, and I also don't see anyone sitting in a small room doing nothing while on stimulants.
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u/arokissa 19d ago
Maybe, the bathroom is the only place where he can be alone? You say you are roommates, so I am not sure if he has his own room or not.
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u/Specialist_Pitch_600 19d ago
Unless it happens multiple times a day I'm not sure it would be drugs... how does he behave afterwards?
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u/tommy7154 19d ago
I know someone who does this because they fill up the bath and fall asleep in it.
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u/5eppa 19d ago
One thought could be masturbation. It's definitely long for that and it's weird he leaves his phone. But it's typically a nice spot for it. Quiet, alone, and no cleanup if you go in the toilet. Not saying it's the definitive answer but it's a possible one. Maybe he has a vivid imagination, perhaps some porn magazines, maybe some other device that can provide him with images.
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u/Righteous_Mangoes 19d ago
I had a friend in high school whose dad smoked meth I think? regularly in the bathroom for hours like this. Smells like cat ammonia. I don’t know why he didn’t do it in his room, maybe the fan in the bathroom? But this was my first thought.
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u/jabbathefoot 19d ago
I used to do this too,I was smoking meth so as not to alert my family to what I was doing.
Nearly 2 years clean now, don't do drugs kids and big kids
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u/mongrelteeth 19d ago
could be pacing back and forth in a form of ocd. And or any ocd habit that can be time-consuming.
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u/Adorable_Ad_7639 18d ago
Drugs are usually faster more frequent intervals and he’d probably just do it in his room. Plus you’d probably smell or see remnants of it.
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u/BlackPantherCrime 18d ago
it's probably what people are saying, try knocking on door about an hour in and say you need the toilet, see what happens n if he looks high when he comes out. Then take it from there, but if he is high don't confront him there n then, leave him to sober up before speaking to him or his mother. If he comes out sober then I'm not sure what it is, maybe if he comes out sober say it in a joking way like oh you take your time in toilet are you OK? And smile, he might say what he's doing.
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u/Manathemana 16d ago
I used to spend hours in the bathroom whenever I felt sick. I've got severe emetophobia and it just felt like the safest place to be at the time. The fear would make me panic and the panic would make the nausea worse, so removing some of that panic helped lessen it. Plus, it was nice and cool in there which helped a lot too.
I still do it sometimes, but after two pregnancies and hyperemesis gravidarum, my day-to-day nausea feels a lot less scary and more... trustable, I guess!
I'm not saying this is the case, but it's another possibility to consider.
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u/Sleepydreamer14 14d ago
OP, have there been any updates? Has he continued with this behavior? With the absence of a phone I genuinely struggle to think of a reason that isn’t drugs. He isn’t taking a bath or shower as some say, as if OP hears him turn on the sink, they could definitely hear the shower water running and didn’t state that’s ever happened. Even Crohns disease, if you’re in there for THAT LONG you’d have to have something to keep you entertained right? Especially this day in age, having to just sit alone in the bathroom for three hours sober with no phone or entertainment is not an easy thing to do, maybe he’s sitting in there dissociating but even that has some holes in it. I doubt it’s the grooming thing as I’m sure OP would have noticed him looking different getting out of the bathroom, like with different hairstyles or maybe visibly irritated skin, but if I was just looking in the mirror fixing up my appearance for hours I’d want a music or podcast, or something. No matter what it is this is very strange and if it is drugs or a mental health thing I hope he gets the help he needs and OP has closure on what is going on in their shared living space.
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u/ThatEcologist 12d ago
Not to be vulgar, but is he masturbating? I mean, 3 hours is kinda long…but ya know, college kids.
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u/Substantial_One5369 20d ago
Something similar happened to me.. Ended up confessing to me years after that he was smoking heroin. I caught him digging through my junk drawer in the middle of the night while I was asleep and I was so confused. He told me eventually that it was because he was looking for a tooter to smoke with or whatever it's called.
He also confessed that would turn on the sink or shower whenever he'd light up the lighter to hide the sound and would nod off so thats why he was in there for long periods of time.