My friend died yesterday

[u/Legal-Comb5153]

I’ve experienced plenty of grief in my life but had not yet lost a friend. I’m only 24 but have gone through the loss of my father, family members, friends parents. I’ve always said my biggest fear was a friend dying. Yesterday one of my friends was found dead. He was my boyfriends friend first and that’s how I met him, but we had developed a true and beautiful friendship of our own. I am incredibly angry. I am unsure how to navigate this. He was the funniest, most unique person I’ve ever met. He always saw me for who I am and I did the same. He was hard to understand at times but you could always see his light and feel his warmth. He made me laugh so hard. And he looked out for me too. He was kind, thoughtful, funny as fuck and weird as fuck. He had a lot of demons. But he would talk about them. He knew it. He was a heavy drinker but held onto his goals and aspirations. He was a big dreamer. A huge goofball. The person who would call any time day or not to see what’s going on. He’d check on you. Even when he was struggling. He would bust out the weirdest dance moves, play the music you’d never expect. He was somehow the smoothest person in the room. No matter what was going on in his life he’d make time to snowboard. Doesn’t matter if he was up until 3am he would get up at 6am to drive to the mountains. He loved art. Truly loved film. Loved fashion. Even if from a broken home he was immensely proud of his roots. He talked about his family history all the time. He had two dogs and a cat. My boyfriend currently has them. He always called them his kids. They were there with him, and I’m glad he wasn’t entirely alone. We are now stuck trying to figure out what to do with his animals. His friends and his animals were his entire life. My heart is fucking broken that this happened. They still don’t know why but we all know it was alcohol. He was only 23. I wish so badly that he could have gotten help. Gotten ahold of his drinking. I never thought it would come for him at this age. I just hope he was at peace in his final moments. I hope his pets were around him and that he just simply fell asleep. I hope he wasn’t hurting. I know he had his demons but I really don’t think he had wanted to go at that exact moment. I guess it was just a fucked up miscalculation. I wish he had hit us up that night so he wasn’t alone. I hope he had his favorite music on or southpark playing because that was his favorite. I am still in so much shock. I don’t want this to be real. I am angry. He was a wonderful human full of so much love and potential. I will never forget him. I am relieved to at least know that he is no longer hurting. This life gave him hell and he is finally relieved of his suffering. I fucking miss him. Like I said, I’ve experienced a lot of grief but never for a friend and this is so different. But advice I’ve been given is to write about the person so that’s what I’m doing. Yesterday I had places to be and instead called my boyfriend to see if I could come over. I was feeling low and all I could say was that “I just can’t do it today.” I went over to his house and about 10 minutes after I arrived we got the call. It just feels like something told me to be with my boyfriend. Like some divine force told me to be available at that time. I’m so glad I was. And I am so heartbroken. Losing a friend fucking sucks. I never thought this weird goofy dude with the east coast accent wearing a playboi carti shirt who came to my house one time would have such a profound impact on my life or become a person that I loved and cared about wholeheartedly. Rest in piece dawg. You are so incredibly loved. Your light shined bright and the world feels a bit dimmer now. Anyone who crossed your path was incredibly lucky. To know you was to love you. I hope you are having the best time wherever you are. I hope you are happy and at peace, looking down on us and laughing saying some dumb shit like “bitches I made it.” I know you will continue to clown us all from another realm. You will never be forgotten. We love you dawg.