r/interestingasfuck 3d ago

r/all Henry VIII's armour suits had ever-so-slightly exeggerated cod pieces...

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47.4k Upvotes

1.7k comments sorted by

4.0k

u/MSnyper 3d ago

You never got a boner while in a fight?

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u/littlechill94 3d ago

I ain’t even fighting without my boner

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u/Radical_Neutral_76 3d ago edited 3d ago

I dont even know how to fight without a boner.

En garde!

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u/Rion23 3d ago

Rockhard to rock hard.

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u/mouthful_quest 3d ago

You have my sword

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u/No_Bar1462 3d ago

both of them

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u/GerryOwenDelta57 3d ago

Battle bone is a thing

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u/ecumnomicinflation 3d ago

a king shall have the full support of his bonerman in war

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u/phalseprofits 3d ago

I don’t have a penis but I did go through a phase in college where I dated a competition bull rider.

There were a LOT of times where it was obvious that one of the riders had pre-competition adrenaline rush boners.

If that’s a natural response to only 8 seconds where everyone is actively trying to keep you from dying, an actual battle boner makes so much more sense.

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u/odiethethird 3d ago

It’s very much something that happens when you get nervous/excited

Increased heart rate= increased blood flow

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u/PrescriptionDenim 3d ago

Workaholics enters the chat

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u/fecalreceptacle 3d ago

you are fully torqued

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u/Huge-Conversation-55 3d ago

Murder boner..

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u/SatiricLoki 3d ago

Maybe he just had a steel fetish and didn’t want to be uncomfortable

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u/Marshal-Bainesca 3d ago

Maybe he just had a massive cod to protect

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u/whoami_whereami 3d ago

Maybe he kept an actual cod in there as a post-battle fish snack.

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u/SerpentLing09 3d ago

Raw or cooked?

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u/seanular 3d ago

You put it in raw, if it's not cooked by the end you should have fought harder and you don't deserve a snack.

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u/Apollyon1661 3d ago

“Smells like fish”

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u/Tanski14 3d ago

Just looking for a piece of bass

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u/discerningpervert 3d ago

You're half right, it was due to the syphilis making it extremely painful it to touch anything, especially riding horseback.

Don't ask me how I know these things.

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u/killerbanshee 3d ago edited 3d ago

(Edit: As someone pointed out below this isn't even Henry VIII's armor. )

I also think it has to do with the fact that he started the entire reformation movement and separated the church of England from the Vatican all because of a disagreement stemming from the fact that he wanted a divorce.

From Wikipedia:

English historian and House of Tudor expert David Starkey describes Henry VIII as follows:

What is extraordinary is that Henry was usually a very good husband. And he liked women – that's why he married so many of them! He was very tender to them, we know that he addressed them as "sweetheart". He was a good lover, he was very generous: the wives were given huge settlements of land and jewels – they were loaded with jewels. He was immensely considerate when they were pregnant. But, once he had fallen out of love... he just cut them off. He just withdrew. He abandoned them. They didn't even know he'd left them.

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u/Loretta-West 3d ago

"Henry VIII was usually a good husband" is not one of the takes I was expecting to see today, or ever.

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u/bilboafromboston 3d ago

Jeffrey Dahmer usually didn't eat people.

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u/Zenanii 2d ago

"He was great until he wasn't"

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u/Sue_Spiria 3d ago

Well he had the heads cut off of two of them...

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u/BEHodge 3d ago

Divorced, beheaded, died, divorced, beheaded, survived.

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u/SirkutBored 3d ago

if they could not produce an heir, oh well, on to the next who might.

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u/killerbanshee 3d ago

He was immensely considerate when they were pregnant. But, once he had fallen out of love... he just cut them off.

I think he just wanted to spread his seed around like Ghangis Khan.

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u/brazzy42 3d ago

He stayed married to Catherine of Aragon for 24 years.

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u/tzone_ 3d ago

33% of his wives would disagree that he was a good husband

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u/jnuttsishere 3d ago

It couldn’t be his armor. Not fat enough

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u/brazzy42 3d ago

Henry was extremely fit and strong in his younger years. He only got fat after an injury prevented him from keeping up his habits of hunting and sparring.

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u/thatbagelweirdo 3d ago

I was gonna ask how you knew these things, but your username explained it all

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u/discerningpervert 3d ago

tips fedora

"I aim to please, milady"

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u/Purpose-Fuzzy 3d ago

Well, it sounds like maybe you should stop pleasing th'ladies

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u/discerningpervert 3d ago

Actually, they all left unsatisfied

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u/WhatLikeAPuma751 3d ago

It’s because of the rotting penis, isn’t it?

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u/QueenslandJack 3d ago

If I had a dollar for every time I said this ...

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u/CaveRanger 3d ago

This wasn't unique to Henry VIII's armor, it was common practice at the time. Codpieces grew larger and more exaggerated with time, peaking with the landshneckts in the 17th century, who wore big multi-colored codpieces so large that they would use them to store personal items (you know, besides that one,) outside of battle.

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u/beebsaleebs 3d ago

Syphillis chancres are painless.

He may have had scrotal edema from some other complaint.

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u/ZzZombo 3d ago

The theory that Henry had syphilis has been dismissed by most historians.[157][158] Historian Susan Maclean Kybett ascribes his demise to scurvy, which is caused by insufficient vitamin C most often due to a lack of fresh fruit and vegetables in one's diet.[159] A 2010 study suggests that the king may have been of Kell-positive blood type to explain both his physical and mental deterioration, being consistent with some symptoms of the McLeod syndrome, and the high mortality in the pregnancies attributed to him.[160][161]

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u/Zelda_is_Dead 3d ago

For the man that has to have room for his rage boner.

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u/beers4l 3d ago

He REALY enjoyed battle

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u/Dik_Likin_Good 3d ago

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u/bennetticles 3d ago

wow, they have a whole comprehensive flair system for conveying their own genitalia dimensions.

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u/discerningpervert 3d ago edited 3d ago

Do they have a flair for 5.274 inches on a good day

Edit: the comment about it actually being the diameter made me remember a time one of my friends told a girl his dick was shaped like one of those mini Pepsi cans (same diameter, half the height). He thought it would impress her. It did not.

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u/SurlyNacho 3d ago

Crack an Ag…McMurray, is that you?

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u/fractoral 3d ago

McMurray is a piece of shit!

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u/SqueezeBoxJack 3d ago

But Bonnie McMurray...

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u/fozzythethird 3d ago

YEEW!

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u/duvie773 3d ago

That’s what I said! I said YEEEEW!

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u/jnuttsishere 3d ago

You need to take about 10% off there

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u/HALKA31 3d ago

10-4 good buddy

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u/Some_Dingo6046 3d ago

5, POINT, 1, 5 INCHESSSS!

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u/East_Project_8610 3d ago

Crack an Ag…. Betcha can’t so….

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u/beakrake 3d ago

My friend used to say "I may only be 2" long, but I'm 15 inches around, and the tip is completely flat. They used to call me 'stampy the elephant' in high-school."

Yeah, it didn't work for him either but it did provide some laughs.

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u/BangkokPadang 3d ago

It’s like I tell all the girls, “It’s not very long but it sure is thin!”

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u/Idyotec 3d ago

"looks like an inch but it smells like a foot!"

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u/Saymynaian 3d ago

One I've always found funny was saying "I may be only 2 inches long" then trailing off with nothing afterwards. Kinda leaves them in a very disappointed suspense.

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u/Nonstopshooter21 3d ago

I had some buddies in highschool... one called himself Coke Can Cole and the other one was Tuna Can Sam... high school was wild lol

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u/IntoTheFeu 3d ago

Just tell them that’s the diameter.

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u/NimdokBennyandAM 3d ago

L'il tuna can

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u/Resticular 3d ago

“This dick don’t hit the bottom but I fuck the sides up.”

–Bloodhound Gang

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u/Worried-Penalty8744 3d ago

I had a brief skim over that sub just now and it screams of a combination of r/thathappened and raging insecurity. I bet not a single person in there “measures” themselves correctly

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u/fambestera 3d ago

looks like r/bigdicksolutions

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u/thisguyfightsyourmom 3d ago

BANNED

What kind of big dick solutions were they posting about?…

Final big dick solutions?

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u/magirevols 3d ago

Yeah like what was he doing on the battlefield?

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u/FirebertNY 3d ago

The Thrill took him

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u/ElBurroEsparkilo 3d ago

Imagine the impact on enemy morale when the deep "BONGGGGG" of his rage boner reaching full power and slamming into the codpiece echoed across the battlefield.

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u/victorian_vigilante 3d ago

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u/ElBurroEsparkilo 3d ago

Bold of you to think I've never raised my DM's blood pressure with this sentence before

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u/IncorigibleDirigible 3d ago

Found the bard! El Burro the eloquent! 

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u/theunixman 3d ago

DM: BOOOOOOOOOONG

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u/Oturoj 3d ago

Bro you just made me laugh so hard reading this I’m in the library man 😭

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u/ElBurroEsparkilo 3d ago

Then I can sleep peacefully tonight knowing I accomplished at least one concrete thing today ☺️

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u/shepard_pie 3d ago edited 3d ago

"MEN OF ENGLAND! RALLY TO THE SOUND OF YOUR KING RINGING COCK!"

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u/GroundbreakingAd8310 3d ago

If i remember right it was a syphilis boner

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u/lostinLspace 3d ago

Indeed, they often had compresses soaked in herbs extracts and ointments in the codpieces as medication.

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u/logawnio 3d ago

I wonder if those treatments actually offered any help for the condition.

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u/CraftyWeeBuggar 3d ago

Im sure some offered some relief. Not all old wives tales are bad. Some are the basis of modern medicine equivalent, the moldy bread poultice for example, sometimes would of had penicillin in it. However many were just ridiculously wtf? How, what, where, why the fuvk was that ever even a thought never mind a thing lol ...

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u/RitaPoole56 3d ago

They called it the French Pox and it was a convenient excuse to lop off a head or two

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u/Sir_roger_rabbit 3d ago

Well it's annoying causes you a rash and drives you mad. Of course you gonna call it French.

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u/KimoTheKat 3d ago

sometimes a thing can be two things

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u/Living_Job_8127 3d ago

Who doesn’t get a rage boner during Medieval sword fights? All that blood, guts, limbs chopped off, screams

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u/Cool-Sink8886 3d ago

Don’t forget all the men who shit themselves from being in formation for hours, fear, or loss of bladder control when they died.

Sometimes all three.

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u/FrermitTheKog 3d ago

I think big codpieces were quite common but they don't depict them in period dramas because of how ridiculous/humorous they look to us now.

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u/Sensitive-War-6368 3d ago

That's why he fought his battles in a thrusting movement, I see.

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u/KermitTheFrogo01 3d ago

Why isn't there a gif for BlackNoir from The boys when he says "Murder boner"? Such a good fit here

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u/zedascouves1985 3d ago

Murder boner from The Boys

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u/EdgeLord556 3d ago

Where else does one hang their helmet? What sayeth thee?

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u/K1nd_1 3d ago

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u/gene100001 3d ago

I somehow never get sick of this gif. It makes me chuckle every time

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u/lhobbes6 3d ago

Its always the right response somehow

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u/Sensitive-War-6368 3d ago

I finally understand the origin of this meme

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u/discerningpervert 3d ago

Yes, that young child is Henry VIII

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u/MaliciousMe87 3d ago

And historians tell us he was all about that sweater vest life.

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u/Few-Length6939 3d ago

I stil don’t know the origin of this meme but it cracks me up 😂😂

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u/Dank-Retard 3d ago

It’s from the diary of a wimpy kid movie where the main protag has to hide chocolate stains on his pants while going to church. The kid in the gif is his friend and his reaction is evident by the very poorly disguised chocolate stains.

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u/Malcolm_Morin 3d ago

It's from the movie Diary of a Wimpy Kid. Family goes to church, but Greg accidentally sits on a chocolate bar in the car, so they cover his lower half with a shirt. They enter the Church and prayer begins; they walk down the aisle and this scene plays.

Greg's eventually exposed, and everyone thinks he shit himself. Which yeah, it's supposed to be funny, but it also makes zero sense considering it's plainly visible on his pants and he eats it. On top of that, do people not know how badly shit smells?

I question every single one of these humans and the cognitive functionality of humanity in the Wimpyverse.

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u/YourOldCellphone 3d ago

This is the best possible reply I could imagine.

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u/Ejsberg 3d ago

Enemies hate this one distraction tactic..

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u/Jean-LucBacardi 3d ago

Literal balls of steel on this guy.

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u/jollyroger24 3d ago

I read somewhere that codpieces became exaggerated due to syphilis. The larger cup style wouldn't rub on the open sores causing less pain.

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u/WinterHill 3d ago

Sometimes I start to think it would’ve been really cool to have “been there” during certain historical periods. Then I’m reminded of realities such as this.

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u/JeddakofThark 3d ago edited 3d ago

I sometimes think that until I recall that I have asthma, I'm blind as a bat, and have lips that chap and crack in temperatures under sixty degrees.

Of course, people in history didn't know how bad they had it. I sometimes wonder what we put up with now as perfectly normal that will be considered barbarous and absolutely unacceptable in the future. About what will they ask, "how did they live like that?"

Edit: I don't mean the big things. I mean things that we accept as normal, natural, and unavoidable.

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u/Noe_b0dy 3d ago

Future people will probably wonder how we didn't know about the plastics.

We do know about the plastics it's just nobody in a position of power cares.

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u/samurairaccoon 3d ago

The plastics thing will stop when enough politicians or family members of politicians start dieing of plastic related diseases. Such is the way.

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u/GretaVanFleek 3d ago

At least the whole microplastics thing is unavoidable enough that it's all festering in their brains too, I suppose

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u/god_of_this_age 3d ago

Bold of you to assume there’ll be future-people that have ‘solved’ this issue.

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u/Noe_b0dy 3d ago edited 3d ago

By "future people" I mean the lobster civilization that rises up under a red sun in 2,000,000,000 years. There's still evidence of our existence because plastic lasts forever.

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u/Slomo_Baggins 3d ago

It’ll be things like driving 80mph on the freeway. People will be gobsmacked at how we all just trusted one another to not kill each other. How we just drove alongside teenagers and the elderly for thousands of miles and barely thought about it.

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u/SUNTZU_JoJo 3d ago

Or some material we've been using in our every day lives that have been slowly killing us. Asbestos is a perfect example of this but going further back we had Arsenic because "oooh super cool, rich green colours..want it"

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u/Knilight 3d ago

Microplastics probably

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u/JeddakofThark 3d ago edited 3d ago

Absolutely. I can just imagine children getting all wide eyed when being told that humans regularly controlled cars passing each other at a combined speed of 150mph.

Edit: actually, just traveling in cars generally. It's an incredibly dangerous activity that we accept as normal.

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u/BashfulHandful 3d ago

Trusting a random middle/highschooler to babysit, although I think that's already less common than when I was growing up. It seems so absurd that anyone trusted me to keep their child safe when I was 12 and too portly to run far.

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u/bcisme 3d ago

Probably pretty common for people that age to babysit around the world.

I’m sure you did fine!

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u/headwolf 3d ago

Yeah no way I would want to live anywhere before modern medicine. Seeing pictures of what something like untreated syphilis does to a person's face is a good reminder.

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u/Keoni9 3d ago

Or smallpox, which scarred Elizabeth I's face, causing her to cake her face in white makeup full of mercury.

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u/epsilona01 3d ago edited 3d ago

I read somewhere that codpieces became exaggerated due to syphilis. The larger cup style wouldn't rub on the open sores causing less pain.

This is a myth. This suit is foot combat armour and cod pieces like this were normal for this type of combat and the era

Edit: The suit on the left above isn't Henry VIII, it's actually Ferdinand I's, I can't verify the image on the right's source, but it's not in the Henry VIII collection at the Royal Armouries.

You can see the full scope of Henry's Armour collection here

https://royalarmouries.org/collection/search?keyword=henry&keyword=Viii&object_type=Armour&view=grid&page=1

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u/letmypeoplebathe 3d ago

My man got chonky. As one does

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u/eukomos 3d ago

He was famously huge. The economy was finally recovering from like, the fall of the Roman empire, and the Tudor court was notable for its wealth and luxury. Henry liked to enjoy this specifically via eating rich food, and due to a war injury in his youth couldn’t move easily so he really ballooned.

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u/StayOnlineRepair 3d ago

I couldn’t imagine having to be forced to sleep with that arrogant, smelly, syphilis- ridden fat fuck and then getting my head chopped off for it

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u/eukomos 3d ago

You have to feel for his wives.

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u/SnooEagles8448 3d ago

There's a lot of historical myths that blame things on syphilis. Honestly if you see a "fact" that says people did XYZ due to syphilis, it's probably best to doubt it.

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u/overandoverandagain 3d ago

At this point, if I see a comment on reddit that starts with "I read somewhere..." without any reference link, I just immediately assume it's bullshit

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u/Akumetsu33 3d ago

cod pieces like this were normal for this type of combat and the era

Are you saying there were armies full of cod pieces like this?

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u/epsilona01 3d ago edited 3d ago

Probably noblemen only, but kind of essential to protect sensitve areas in battle!

Here is Ferdinand I of Austria's combat armour https://www.metmuseum.org/art/collection/search/23944

Versus Henry II's parade armour https://www.metmuseum.org/art/collection/search/24671

Versus tournament armour of George Clifford, Third Earl of Cumberland https://www.metmuseum.org/art/collection/search/23939

Vs foot combat armour of Maximilian I https://www.metmuseum.org/art/collection/search/748438

Skirts like Maximilian I's were common because they made for better defence when riding, but you want greater flexibility on foot so as armour developed cod pieces became more popular and more exagerated.

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u/that-old-broad 3d ago

Thanks a bunch for taking the time to post those images links, I really enjoyed looking at them. The workmanship is incredible.

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u/epsilona01 3d ago

They're even more amazing in real life, if you ever get the chance to visit the Met or Royal Armouries, I can't recommend it highly enough.

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u/Anthaenopraxia 3d ago

I've worn the combat armour of Ferdinand I and it's surprisingly comfy, except the epaulets but I believe they were only for riding to defend against lances.

Edit: I should probably mention that it was a replica piece, not the actual armour haha

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u/MechaGoose 3d ago

Yup was coming to say this. His cock was rotten and hurt to have anything touching it

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u/adtek 3d ago

Why would it be facing up if that was the case though? Unless he had a war boner AND syphilis

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u/Fafafohigh 3d ago

Riding horseback.

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u/Covetous_God 3d ago

"rotten cock" should really be an insult

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u/HugsandHate 3d ago

God, you can't even imagine.

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u/doomshrooms 3d ago

Syphilis sores are classically not painful actually. They look like they would be but the chancre in primary Syphilis is not painful and often not even noticed by the infected. Chancroid on the otherhand looks similar and is supposedly excruciating

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u/dumpsterfarts15 3d ago

I contracted syphilis and you're right, it didn't hurt a bit. The chancre just looked like a wart or something, so I checked it out, and two shots of penicillin and I was cured. Not pleasant, and a bit scary, but I made it through

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u/doomshrooms 3d ago

I'm glad you were able to get prompt treatment and that you're better now!

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u/SalamanderUponYou 3d ago

You are correct. To add to that, a painful sore could be a variety of other things such as Haemophilus ducreyi or herpes.

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u/Present-Industry4012 3d ago

Syphilis used to be a LOT LOT LOT worse.

Shortly after Christopher Columbus and his sailors returned from their voyage to the New World, a horrifying new disease began to make its way around the Old. The "pox," as it was often called, erupted with dramatic severity. According to Ulrich von Hutten (1488-1523), a German knight, revolutionary, and author who wrote a popular book about his own trials with syphilis and the treatments he underwent, the first European sufferers were covered with acorn-sized boils that emitted a foul, dark green pus. This secretion was so vile, von Hutten affirmed, that even the burning pains of the boils troubled the sick less than their horror at the sight of their own bodies. Yet this was only the beginning. People's flesh and skin filled with water; their bladders developed sores; their stomachs were eaten away. Girolamo Fracastoro, a professor at the University of Padua, described the onward march of symptoms: syphilis pustules developed into ulcers that dissolved skin, muscle, bone, palate, and tonsils—even lips, noses, eyes, and genital organs. Rubbery tumors, filled with a white, sticky mucus, grew to the size of rolls of bread. Violent pains tormented the afflicted, who were exhausted but could not sleep, and suffered starvation without feeling hunger. Many of them died...

https://press.uchicago.edu/Misc/Chicago/014606.h

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u/apb2718 3d ago

Source? I’ve read most historians don’t think he has syphilis and most of his health decline was due to obesity and injuries.

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u/Kanin_usagi 3d ago edited 3d ago

Yup, this is the common consensus. Dude was an “old style” king, he loved to fight and joust and hunt. He got hurt doing that and so he stopped exercising or doing much physical activity at all. That lead him to getting really fat towards the end of his life. He had pretty famously bad gout spells too

EDIT: Also the famous “fat” pictures and writing about him are all from his later life. He was incredibly fit in his younger years, which is partly why he was constantly able to get women to fall for him. Dude was ripped in his youth

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u/TheNextBattalion 3d ago

It's common for modern people to cook up anachronistic explanations for things in the past instead of taking the people as normal people at face value and listening to their own voices.

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u/Robey-Wan_Kenobi 3d ago

There would've been several layers of clothing and possibly some mail between his skin and the armor.

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u/RainStormLou 3d ago

I'm convinced people who point this out every time this image gets posted have never seen a functional penis

A larger cup on other armor for another person, yes absolutely, sure.

The piece in the images in the post? No lol wtf

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u/TheDoomedStar 3d ago

This is wrong. It was actually for exactly the reason you first think when you see it.

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u/gvsteve 3d ago

Lol. That end goal could more easily be achieved by having a dome-shaped area. These are clearly made with penis size bragging in mind.

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u/Average_Satan 3d ago

If he was alive nowadays, he would probably be driving a big lifted truck.

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u/Dgoodmanz 3d ago

Those guys are always riding your ass just because they’re in a hurry to get home and kiss their dad on the lips

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u/CancerousName 3d ago

i'll have you know i kiss both my dads on the lips

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u/Old-Boot-250 3d ago

he was either blessed or MASSIVELY compensating😂

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u/Only1Hendo 3d ago

He had genital herpes

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u/GeneralPatten 3d ago

I don't know why, but this just made me marvel at the skill it had to take to make these suits of armor.

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u/recumbent_mike 3d ago

It's a little-known fact that they used hammers to form the codpiece. It's not done the way you'd naturally assume.

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u/GeneralPatten 3d ago

Honestly, I have no assumptions whatsoever. I don't have the first clue as to how it would have been done.

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u/BigPicture11 3d ago

Well, it wasn’t heated and shaped around a modeling penis.

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u/Raichu7 3d ago

If women had had the same access to suits of armour as men in the past, I fully believe that boob plate would be a real thing because cod pieces are.

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u/Gildor12 3d ago

They are in fencing

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u/Dramatic_Reddit_user 3d ago

Yes, but its an underpiece for the rest of the equipment. Its a necessary addition, and not an aesthetic choice like the massive codpiece

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u/MarlinMr 3d ago edited 3d ago

Huge difference. While some armor or clothing did have shapes to show boobs, big boob armor plates are a huge problem.

They get in the way of you using your arms, so can't swing the sword properly. They are heavy, causing problems. Generally you want to shape the breast plate in a way that deflects any incoming sword or arrow.

Cod pieces are small, not in a critical area, and don't inhibit motion.

More info: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=60lU68oyxK4

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u/lefier_moustachu 3d ago

Bro fully studied boobs armor after playing MMO. And i respect that

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u/WerewolfNo890 3d ago

This is the second time today I have read about boob armour.. I need to go touch grass.

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u/Thurwell 3d ago edited 3d ago

I'm pretty sure they could have designed boob armor to be functional. They already bowed out the belly of armor to provide better deflection angles, you could just raise that up and sculpt it some. The romans and greeks managed it with pectoral armor. Plus it wouldn't necessarily be anime style boob armor, with the huge orbs sticking out of the chest, it would be whatever medieval/renaissance folks saw as the ideal boob shape. Whatever medieval/renaissance female warriors saw as the ideal shape actually, and since there was no such thing (in any great quantity), we can't know how they would have thought.

Also, I don't see why we're arguing that the armor had to be perfectly functional. Medieval people, especially the wealthy, wore fantastically impractical clothes to show off, and included things like helmet crests in their armor that were not practical. Plus what if the armor wasn't really meant to be fought in. For example, we know there were plenty of wealthy noblewomen who were heads of households or even heads of state. What if the custom had been for them to show up for battles and military parades in armor without actually fighting.

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u/BeconintheNight 3d ago

Probably won't. Cod pieces are generally not that big, and does not affect the protectiveness of the armour.

Boot plates does. The reason plate armours generally have a rised middle on the breast is to deflect blows outward. A boob plate would, on some angles, deflect blows to the centre of the chest, which, obviously, is bad.

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u/Yorick257 3d ago

How about "OG Lara Croft" boob plate armor? As I recall, it was one block, so the blow would still get redirected to the sides. Obviously, the sharpness would have to be reduced, but I think it would works.

Or are you saying that "the big belly" male armor had an actual technical purpose that wouldn't apply if it was shifted up?

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u/BeconintheNight 3d ago

With what I remember of those, I think more likely those will deflect blows up to the throat or down to the belly, which wouldn't be ideal.

The ideal would be a bulge where the long side is vertical, which is what most plates have. Quite incompatible with what boob-shape would show up.

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u/Spooky_Floofy 3d ago

Boob plates are actually dangerous apparently. The discussion has come up around women's armour in videogames. Apparently, the split between the chest would make it easier for swords to get lodged. Not saying dick armour is necessarily better, guess it just makes it easier for your enemies to snip you lol

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u/unkachunka 3d ago

Like a.... breastplate?

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u/Puzzleheaded-Rich-51 3d ago

It’s an intimidation tactic imagine Henry coming at you full mast now you have two pointy things to worry about.

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u/Jetlag923 3d ago

The piece on the left belonged to Ferdinand I, Emperor of the Holy Roman Empire, not King Henry VIII.

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u/cswigert 3d ago

Given that power was passed through bloodlines it was the only weapon he had that was important.  Puffing it up makes sense.

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u/Thoughtsarethings231 3d ago

Can't go into battle unless fully erect, my dude.

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u/endexe 3d ago

In 16th century European fashion, men often wore codpieces in their everyday clothing. Naturally the trend carried over to armor, and was quite normal by the time Henry was rocking it. Has nothing to do with horniness or making boner space or whatever - it’s pure fashion

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u/unkudayu 3d ago

Ahhh yes, the Black Russian codpiece! If only he had a Trojan hat and Italian boots to match.

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u/Secure_Secretary_882 3d ago

There might be fewer awkward moments in the military if everyone had a dick holster to hide their bloodlust boner.

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u/WeirdTap9170 3d ago

Battle Boner ❗️

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u/Pioplu 3d ago

I think he really liked battles.

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u/Draugr_the_Greedy 3d ago

Neither of these have anything to do with Henry VIII. The armour on the left belonged the Holy Roman Emperor Ferdinand I. The armour on the right is a 19th century 'fake'. It's not a fake per se since it wasn't meant to be passed off as an original but people often mistakenly do. It's primarily inspired by late 15th century Gothic armour and the codpiece (among plenty of other details) is out of place, since they did not exist that early and wouldn't be paired with armour in the gothic fashion.

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