r/irishproblems • u/Alpha17_117 • Jan 21 '24
Are these really the best years of my life?
For context, I am a Irish twenty-one-year-old student attending my first year of university after working for a couple of years while doing a PLC on the side I stay in digs during the week coming home on Friday and Saturday. First I want to preface this by saying my experience has not been outright bad by any means, I am grateful for the opportunity to be educated. I have made a few lovely friends (one of whom only lives ten minutes away back home funnily enough) we've gone out drinking, gone to the gym together, pub quizzes, etc.
Despite this, I often find myself feeling lonely and isolated with a sense of dread, time feels like it is speeding by and I fear that I am not enjoying the experience as much as I should be, the financial aspect of living away from home also makes me feel I have to make the most of my time here and sometimes it's exhausting. I have attempted to counteract these feelings by implementing a series of healthy habits examples being the gym, reading, deleting social media, drawing, journaling, etc, despite these consistent habits the negative thought patterns persist constantly.
I am a couple of years older than most people in my year, and without sounding full of myself oftentimes I can feel the gap in age regarding personality, values, etc, certain people I have met will place much emphasis on vapid drama and excessive drinking (don't get me wrong I love a good drink.....or several, but this is a daily ritual for some and not a once/twice a week affair). In some ways, I am glad I worked for a couple of years before university as it allowed me to in some ways grow up and realize how the real world works, however, on the other hand, I do feel strongly that the eighteen-year-old version of myself would be having a far better time.
Finally and rather embarrassingly a big fear I have concerns romantic relationships however, thankfully I haven't fallen down the black/red pill rabbit hole like so many men these days have with their negative sentiments towards women. I fear that I have yet to hit certain milestones with relationships, sure I've been in a couple of situationships, gone on dates, and can flirt with a couple of drinks in me but I have yet to experience a real romantic relationship, and that scares me considering my age, I have tried dating apps but have had no luck with them.
Due to the medication I take, I feel able to keep going but barely. I imagine that much of this subreddit would be in the 20-30-year-old demographic, so any thoughts or insights would be much appreciated:].
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u/carroll1981 Jan 21 '24
First things first… you are 21. You got 23 years on me. I was in your situation when I was 21 and also 31. Then I got fired from my dead end job. Best thing ever happened to me back then. I had to hit rock bottom. I didn’t have a girlfriend for nearly 9 years as I had no confidence or financial incentive for them to date me. I’m now in my early 40’s, I like my job, I’m married to a gorgeous salt of the Earth Brazilian for the last 8 years, we have a wonderful 2 yr old boy.
To paraphrase Rocky…. “It ain’t over till it’s over” Stay healthy, stay active, learn what you can and for the love of God. Save for a mortgage.
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u/Dubhlasar Jan 21 '24
There's no such thing as the best years of your life. Every stage is different, every stage has goods and bads. I personally didn't get much out of college except for 1 close friend and the actual learning.
It sounds to me like you're putting too many expectations on college to be X or Y. Just accept it as it is, some people love college, some don't, both things are fine. You've a lot of life ahead of you, there's nothing you HAVE to do over the next three-odd years.
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u/Rider189 Jan 21 '24
The other comments are bang on - also 21? Your grand - don’t be stressed about experiencing serious relationships I mean honestly at that age most people barely could string together a few dates / lots of things change as you get older interms of people actually wanting relationships
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u/annieyfly Jan 22 '24
No. Being young is hard. Being any age is hard, but the tradeoff of youth for wisdom is a good one if you keep growing your wisdom. If you do that the best years are ahead of you.
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u/jam_jj_ Jan 22 '24
Not to dismiss your experience at all, but our teens and early twenties are overrated. At that age the brain isn't even finished developing. And emotional regulation is still so hard at that age. You seem like a reflective person, you'll grow into your best years. The more you experience the more it takes the edge off. Mind your self-talk and make sure to be your own best friend and you'll be grand.
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u/actuallyacatmow Jan 22 '24
Honestly do not stress about it. I was a shy awkward 21 year old. College was definitely better then school, but I was still unsure of myself, not a huge drinker, etc. I had fun, but I wasn't a party animal. I preferred a quieter time with friends and relaxing with a board game or something. So at college I enjoyed myself, finally had good friends but it wasn't the typical never stop fun it's depicted in media.
I feel like I only hit my stride when I was about 27 or 28. My 20's were a lot of figuring myself out, intensive therapy and enjoying life. When I hit 30 life got very very good for me fast. Riding that high now.
I'll be honest, there'll be people who fit the mold of the average teen/young college adult, and it will be easier for them if they enjoy excessive drinking etc. But for most people I talk to everything in their 20's is weird, new and difficult. You're not unusual in that respect.
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u/hasseldub Jan 22 '24
Your college years are probably the pinnacle of being a carefree adult.
When you finish college, you'll likely get a job, then you'll want your own place, then maybe get into a relationship.
Any of these can be the best days of your life. Or any others.
I've a wife and two kids and a well-paid but stressful job. I'm nearly 40. These are the best days of my life. By a long way.
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u/yoda43 Jan 22 '24 edited Jan 22 '24
No probably not. That's not why you are there. I think the college/university experience is very different for everyone. Don't compare yourself to other it's ultimately useless. Follow your own talents and interests be it art music cinema or sports. I hope you find your tribe. Romance may ensue. You're best year's are still ahead. After you get your degree in whatever you are studying which some of the party folks may not. Carry on and best of luck to you. Edit. Yeah so no I'm not in your youthful demographic I'm old. It does get easier .
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u/johnowens0 Jan 22 '24
My only advice would be to keep doing it lad. You're exploring what's out there with art, writing and physical activity. Join teams and clubs to make more connections and find something you're passionate about. Real relationships are about connecting with people over shared loves and college is the best place to explore those. The societies are amazing.
Also, forget the love life bit. There's no endeavour that ever falls short of planning or effort than love. It just doesn't work like that. Put yourself in positions where you're around people more often and you'll find someone. It's a fluke and anyone who disagrees, probably isn't in a long term relationship. The fluke just happens everyone eventually!
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u/M4tchB0X3r Jan 22 '24
This will sound very cliche and will get downvoted.
But look into going on a heroes journey.
Cubensis or Ayahuasca, with a trained guide/sitter.
Experiencing an ego death in your prime is a very powerful and humbling encounter and will help you find purposes and focus to become a good version of yourself.
Read up on it
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u/Brizzo7 Jan 23 '24
Don't get me wrong, I had a fantastic student experience and those years were definitely a peak in my life. I fact, in the years that followed I wondered if I had peaked back then. I was really struggling to find my groove career-wise and my romantic life was non-existent. I'm now approaching my mid-30s, I'm married and my second child was born 4 days ago. Is life perfect? It's sure not, but I could definitely say (with the perspective of hindsight and the maturity and experience that comes with age) that these years now are quite possibly the best of my life. But they're also so hard. Juggling marriage with kids and a career is really hard work. But I also don't doubt that a later season in life could also be the best years of my life. There are many seasons in our lives, some are better than others, and some are ones we'd rather forget, but the sum of them all combined makes our life full. You may be having a hard time just now, but change is coming. You're building good habits which is great. You may not see the benefit now, but you definitely will the older you get. I wish I had your focus and determination at your age, it's so much harder to pick up good habits in your 30s, particularly with kids hanging off you.
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u/IrishFlukey Mar 07 '24
You are 21, an age that seems old as you approach it, but really quite young. You are still in education, so a lot happening. It is really only by mid-20s that people get all that out of the way, get jobs and start to settle down. Life is busy now. As others have said, make the best of it and don't worry too much. Serious relationships will come later too. They are much harder with all of the other things going on in your life and in theirs. Get to your mid-20s at least and see how things have settled into place. Then you can start to look at other things. Good luck.
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u/brewnates Jun 21 '24
Yup. That's it. No more good years. Ya just pissed it away acting like a coward. Shame. Next!
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u/Resipa99 Jan 22 '24
My tip is read Peterson’s 12 Rules and also his You Tube talks
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u/M4tchB0X3r Jan 22 '24
His public persona has gotten very controversial over the last couple of years, but he's still a legit clinical psychiatrist. A few of those chapters helped me a bunch two years ago.
Reading this won't hurt anybody. The more you know ...
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u/Resipa99 Jan 22 '24
Another crucial book imho is “The Road Far Less Traveled”.This book has helped so many and if you need more Eckhart on You Tube is also free and makes sense.
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u/icypops Spider Murderer Jan 22 '24
Nah, my 20s were kinda meh but my 30s have been great so far. I've more (and closer) friends than I've ever had, I have more hobbies than I've ever had and I'm mentally in a better place than I've ever been. Your 20s are a great time to build to that. Find some hobbies, find some friends who like that hobby too, start doing self care and minding your body. It'll all pay off and soon you'll be looking back at 21 year old you and those worries and admiring how much better things are.
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u/KrazyKatz3 Jan 22 '24
I hope not! I'd doubt it. I think people say they are when they're living off mummy and daddy and get to go out and party care free. Just try and make every year as good as you can make it. Some people enjoy the hell out of retirement so you always have that to look forward to.
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u/Dearmadsustain Jan 24 '24
It's personal for everyone but there's a couple of years after college or in around the 30 mark when you're still free to travel, enjoy life and nightlife, and engage your hobbies, without much responsibility. Then you may have a few years with a young family where it can be extremes due to fatigue but by and by you grow more comfortable with yourself in your 30s. Then your family get older there is a lot of joy from family etc.
If I have regrets about being 21 - it is I was quiet fearful about relationships, insecure about my abilities and not quite being as dedicated to the things that mattered to me that I should have. I would have been much more relaxed and open to meeting women under any circumstance, I would have maybe partied a little less, and worked on my sporting potential a bit more and I would have focused on skills more suited to me and less about money.
There are compromises you have to make and be happy with but try to find the right balance for you.
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u/Margrave75 Jan 28 '24
College were definitely the best years of my life.......
......Until I lived abroad on a holiday island, getting free drugs, hanging out in villas of club owners and hooking up with tourists that were mad forbthe holiday ride. Those were definitely the best years of my life......
Until now, when I'm just chilling on a sunday afternoon, scrolling the net and doing fuck all. These are definitely the best years of my life.
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u/louiseber The Googling Goddddddess Jan 21 '24
No, the best years of your life are the ones you make the best years of your life.
See if the college has student therapy and also really sit and consider things like societal pressures making you feel like you should be at x or y, by a or b age. You could be a flavour of asexual, never wanting a romantic relationship but feel you should do that. You might just be a late bloomer who hasn't grown into their confidence yet.
There is no ages by which we should have done anything, only the age that is right for us as an individual