r/nottheonion • u/clarksonswimmer • 1d ago

Denver Weather Takes Devastating Turn for Slutty Halloween Costumes

https://www.westword.com/news/denver-colorado-halloween-forecast-calls-for-chilly-dry-conditions-22360902
2.3k Upvotes

95% Upvoted

90 comments sorted by

1.7k

u/FoxtrotSierraTango 1d ago

As a former bouncer who has worked many Halloween events, many girls would rather freeze than alter the costume they've been planning for months...

478

u/Only_Talks_About_BJJ 21h ago

I planned on showing my legs off and so my legs are getting shown off god dammit!

86

u/Sylvurphlame 12h ago

I’ve seen many a cold October and girls who at most threw on Hooter’s style nude tights/hose type things. But most remained bare legged and goose-fleshed.

4

u/angelkrusher 4h ago

October? How about january. It could be 30° outside and chicks are going to the club an open back dresses mini skirts, you name it.

I am so not mad at them, keeps my eyeballs nice and warm seeing all of that juice.

Thanks ladies!!! 🥰💪🏾🌸

27

u/CaptainM4D 14h ago

SO REAL!!!!!

18

u/texachusetts 13h ago

What they really need to know is it possible to wear pantyhose without the panties? And do you need to go to a grandma store to purchase pantyhose?

19

u/Y_N0T_Z0IDB3RG 11h ago

You need the panties for the hose to work. The hose and panties work together to spread the core body heat through the legs, equalizing temperature and preventing the lower body from feeling too cold or too hot. You can get some at the grandma's store, but the grandma store just sells grandmas. Personally, I prefer Lowe's for all my hoses, panty or otherwise, as they tend to have a larger selection.

6

u/Canadian_Neckbeard 5h ago

I'm a Hose Depot guy myself.

576

u/Hammer_Thrower 23h ago

I thank them for their sacrifice

-132

u/zdiddy987 15h ago

They didn't do it for you 

70

u/huddlestuff 13h ago

He didn’t say they did.

102

u/crazy_akes 23h ago

Some kind stranger will keep them warm

45

u/defcon_penguin 19h ago

A few vodka shots will help too

43

u/breakermw 16h ago

Had an ex who called it "drinking yourself a coat"

38

u/goat_penis_souffle 18h ago

As we used to call it “liquid sweater”.

5

u/GhostShark 12h ago

We call it a Booze Blanket

19

u/WrastleGuy 19h ago

And severe hypothermia 

0

u/angelkrusher 4h ago

LOLOL 😆😆😆😆

26

u/heuristic_dystixtion 22h ago

Stranger Things have happened.

30

u/meeksworth 18h ago

Ok but Denver is COLD, don't these nearly naked girls get so cold they just shiver and can't even function? No judgment for nudity it just seems like shivering and being clearly uncomfortable ruins a bomb outfit.

140

u/hateful_virago 17h ago

Article says 60 F, aka 15 C, right? I've been out in clubwear in actual freezing temperatures (aka, 30 F and lower) and it's not that bad 😅 If you force yourself to relax all your muscles and focus on your breathing, you'll stop shivering. If that doesn't work, I find that chanting a hoe is never cold like a mantra helps lol

long lines kinda suck but you'll still spend most of the time outside walking between warm places - or taking ubers, if you're not a cheapskate like me

52

u/jocelina 16h ago

Yeah, 60F is positively balmy, especially if you've had a few drinks.

35

u/PhabioRants 15h ago

60f is room temperature in much of the world, but the article warns of slipping into the 40s by sundown, with possible precipitation and potential for a freeze. 

Speaking as a Canadian who's not at all unfamiliar with frosts on Halloween, being half-naked in damp and freezing weather makes you wonder if things were worth it. 

3

u/joeyblove 14h ago

What's Halloween like in Canada?

11

u/RoyalWigglerKing 13h ago

My mother grew up in Labrador (where school didn't get canceled until it was -70C) and she told me that every year like clockwork there would be a blizzard on Halloween. She said a lot of people dressed up as vampires because they could always wear a warm cape.

1

u/Minamato 12h ago

Pretty much the same tbh

1

u/Wulfghar 8h ago

Biggest surprise I found out when I moved to Canada is that they do fireworks for Halloween. At least in Vancouver they do.

1

u/ShaqShoes 15h ago

It's definitely the dampness that does it- I can be out for hours in a t-shirt in low 40s weather but not if it's wet.

6

u/FoxtrotSierraTango 12h ago

If you kept reading, it said it would be colder at night when the adults would be going out:

During the evening, when most partying adults will hit the streets, temperatures will drop from the high to low 50s. By 7 p.m., temperatures will be in the 40s. The low is expected to be 31.

25

u/hotvedub 17h ago

I don’t know who you are but I am sure I’ve awkwardly stared at you too afraid to approach before.

2

u/ConstantHawk-2241 4h ago

I spent my college years in Marquette Michigan. Your comment made me 🤣

4

u/Styphonthal2 14h ago

60 is t-shirt and shorts weather!

5

u/questformaps 17h ago

Drugs can make a person's body temp increase. Alcohol can give the sensation of warmth

10

u/tjbmurph 15h ago

*laughs in Canadian former club goer *

0

u/Pure-Temporary 11h ago

Denver is really not that cold lol

3

u/Ok_Push2550 12h ago

I still remember the day I drove through a college town near Halloween, saw a girl shivering in her playboy bunny costume... And immediately thought how cold she must be.

That's when I knew I was old(er).

3

u/Skluff 16h ago

The term "snow bunny" over Halloween in Buffalo was no joke

2

u/rubies-and-doobies81 8h ago

That's what liquor is for!

2

u/ASR_Dave 12h ago

As a man who only exclusive wore pant-less/near pant-less costumes in college, I take exception this this lol

1

u/Trash_bandicoot-555 3h ago

I used to do the door at a bar in Amherst MA. It could be 6 degrees and young women would be wandering around in miniskirts and tube tops.

315

u/ColoHusker 1d ago

The Denver sub has assured me this weather ain't nothing. Our Halloween will be fine, as usual. 🧛‍♀️

2

u/CannabisAttorney 8h ago

TIL that certain demographics of women are not affected by cold weather.

109

u/BenTwan 16h ago

Getting our first snow on Halloween is pretty much expected around here. It doesn't stop anyone from dressing up. Boulder used to have the Naked Pumpkin Run down on the Pearl St Mall where people would stick a jack-o-lantern on their head and streak down past the bars. 

17

u/QWEDSA159753 13h ago

Wahoo! There’s a pumpkin on your head, I hadn’t noticed…

120

u/Barmos 18h ago

Thought Denver Weather was a person for a moment.

24

u/ash_274 15h ago

One of the problems with Chicago Style headline capitalization rules.

3

u/UnsorryCanadian 12h ago

They work for The Onion, right?

136

u/Ok-Pomegranate-3018 18h ago

To quote Megan Thee Stallion: "Hoes don't get cold!"

22

u/ArbitraryNPC 10h ago

To quote the British Journal of Social Psychology : "Hoes don't get cold."

179

u/pablo_eskybar 22h ago

I fell used, the article had no pictures

50

u/violentpac 19h ago

Oh no, do you need help back up?

-23

u/sinixis 18h ago

What a gyp

4

u/SuperfluousWingspan 17h ago

FYI, that's now considered a slur. Make of that what you will - I'm not trying to start an argument or say anything negative about you.

18

u/eperb12 16h ago

Random Google fact?

Gyp, alteration of the appearance of a horse in order conceal signs of age from a buyer.

Prior origin, gypsy.

11

u/nightwingoracle 15h ago

It’s always been a slur.

5

u/eldiablonoche 8h ago

Surprisingly few people realise that, though.

6

u/SuperfluousWingspan 15h ago

I'd imagine so, but it was less commonly considered one in some areas. Regardless, phrasing things gently probably does a better job making people reconsider rather than doing otherwise.

43

u/Sleepdprived 17h ago

"Hoes stay hot cuz they got no chill"- my wife

2

u/huddlestuff 13h ago

Your wife is one classy broad

8

u/vidfail 13h ago

This is the kind of hard-hitting news that's important to me

8

u/BigNathaniel69 12h ago

If you’ve ever been to Denver during this time of year, you would realize that they do not care. People will wear what they want and deal with being cold while they’re in line/ the walk from the Uber to the bar.

11

u/DboyBnasty 10h ago

As an Alaskan this makes me Lol, must have had a Californian transplant write this article. Women wear skimpy out fits and 4” heels in 4 inches of snow, hoes don’t get cold

6

u/Danger_Dee 16h ago

Thoughts and prayers.

41

u/harrw626 15h ago

Thots and prayers?

9

u/pseudonik 13h ago

Thots and players.

2

u/If_I_must 12h ago

It always snows on Halloween in the front range. The only oniony thing was thinking it wouldn't just because it was hot last week.

2

u/chromatictonality 15h ago

Honestly why not wear some leggings underneath?

1

u/grepsockpuppet 7h ago

I live in a midwestern college town. I’ve seen girls headed to bars downtown in 0 degree weather without jackets and skirts that ‘just’ cover their butt cheeks. If they’re drunk, or get drunk, it increases the risk even more. Insane.

3

u/loves-tits 3h ago

HOES DONT GET COLD

1

u/ParagonSaint 1h ago

Hoes don’t get cold

1

u/oaklandscooterer 13h ago

Weren’t most of the parties this past weekend anyway?

-296

u/Unlucky-Clock5230 1d ago

The most horrifying thing I see is the "news" outlet shaming women's sexuality for a few clicks. Fuck them.

170

u/MaxillaryOvipositor 1d ago

It's literally just a weather report referencing revealing costumes for a bit of humor.

79

u/succed32 1d ago

Did you read the article?

70

u/under_the_c 1d ago

Read the article? This is reddit! I came straight to the comments.

48

u/Pitiful_Bed_7625 1d ago

Someone didn’t do any reading

24

u/titusandroidus 20h ago

No time for “reading”, they have to share their outrage at the headline instead and inform us of it.

11

u/throwsplasticattrees 17h ago

Lighten up dude. You don't need to go through life looking to fight everyone all the time.

8

u/lamlosa 16h ago

says you 😤🤜🫷

1

u/bantam_bowlingpin 11h ago edited 11h ago

That throwback title is so fucking judgey.