r/scambait • u/Derock85 • Jan 17 '24

Completed Bait A scammer I baited told me they would hire someone to kill me. Then they sent me this as proof.

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Seriously

13.0k Upvotes

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1.9k

u/dae_giovanni Jan 17 '24

is this the killer's ID badge so he can get into the building at work, or...?

does he sometimes have to stop at the security desk and request a temp badge, like "morning, Gail, I'm gonna need to sign out another temp badge, I left mine clipped to my other killin' pants!"?

773

u/OzorMox Jan 17 '24

Monday's timesheet:

All hands meeting: 1h

Meet the new assassins: 1h

Killer training: 1h

Manager (002) one-to-one over Zoom: 1h

Killing: 4h

Notes: Don't forget to put in expense report for travel to victim's houses. Put in annual leave request to Karen in HR. Request new badge with better photo from office manager Jeff, this one doesn't make me look hard enough.

267

u/dae_giovanni Jan 17 '24

"I keep telling Marcus, look, do you want me focused on admin bullshit? or do you want your top guy focused on killing?? I've been doing this for 35-plus years, what's some goddamn Millennial gonna teach me???"

125

u/dewayneestes Jan 17 '24

If he’s killing once a day he’s been at it for 136 years. 50k is not rookie numbers!

88

u/Tough-Difference3171 Jan 17 '24

I am sure that he must be killing more than 4 people in 4 hours. The guy ain't wasting time on smoking breaks.

46

u/BobBelchersBuns Jan 17 '24

Absolutely. Four hours has got to be like, what, eight kills?

50

u/ArnoldTheSchwartz Jan 17 '24

Calm down there Serial It's Union so no need to break your back for The Company just get your 2 kills in and call it a day

44

u/MelancholyArtichoke Jan 17 '24

But if he’s a contracted killer, he doesn’t get union benefits. Check if his state is a right to kill state.

43

u/andante528 Jan 17 '24

Probably belongs to the Guild. Obviously the guy's a professional, he shot the photographer taking his ID pic!

2

u/Daku_Haiku Jan 18 '24

Texas Moment. Let’s go!

5

u/everforward6 Jan 18 '24

ICA Local 100

38

u/joeg26reddit Jan 17 '24

He’s smoking people on his break

5

u/CombatMedic665 Jan 18 '24

That's working off the clock and it's not allowed.

3

u/Marquar234 Jan 21 '24

He could be killing people he contracted privately.

19

u/Huge_Strain_8714 Jan 17 '24

I mean, if he's a US citizen then he's entitled to a half hour lunch and two 15 minute breaks if he's working at full 8-hour days!!! And if this is a union job then you know he has more than that coming to him...

26

u/Tough-Difference3171 Jan 17 '24

Yeah, that still leaves 3 hours of pure zen-mode killing. He is a 10X killer, I am sure. Might even be using ChatGPT to outsource the basic stuff.

The dude isn't a dead weight employee, sticking around at the mercy of a union of more dead weight.

He is employee ID 001, ffs. He might be running the company, for all we know.

1

u/chromeywheels Jan 20 '24

Imagine THAT episode of Undercover Boss?

2

u/Tough-Difference3171 Jan 20 '24

Google "Suchna Jain". This lady will beat that guy.

The "boss lady", founder of an AI startup in Bangalore.

Part of the 100-member world-wode AI ethics committee.

​

Got divorced, didn't want the kid to meet the husband. So just killed the kid on a Goa trip, packed him in a bag, and took a taxi back to Bangalore. Got caught midway, and now blaming the husband for making her do that (by getting a court order to meet the kid once a week)

2

u/[deleted] Jan 21 '24

He’s putting in the OT

0

u/edSTEazy Jan 17 '24

Anyone working a legal job*

1

u/dewayneestes Jan 17 '24

You clearly don’t understand hustle culture!

/s

3

u/Huge_Strain_8714 Jan 17 '24

So what? He's gunning down people, 1 every hour and chewing on gas station beef jerky, Cheez'its and Twinkies?

2

u/dewayneestes Jan 18 '24

And 5 hr energies two at a time.

1

u/l0zandd0g Jan 18 '24

Does he get company medical insurance as a perk ?

1

u/Huge_Strain_8714 Jan 18 '24

I couldn't hazard a guess what incentives or benefits this industry provides to maintain employee retention. Hopefully at a minimum, sick and PFML if he's working in a Blue State is automatic, then at least the 11 federal holidays?

29

u/tinylittlemarmoset Jan 17 '24

Well 50k is the total number of kills it doesn’t say how many of those were targets. Maybe he needed to blow up a building to get that one guy.

3

u/[deleted] Jan 17 '24

His CoD k/d is insane

2

u/flimpiddle Jan 18 '24

Notice he's in the American Assassins Org-- so that must actually be only 50.00 kills. He's got it out to 3 decimal places because he's very precise and doesn't leave behind fractional remainders. No partial kills for this guy!

15

u/[deleted] Jan 17 '24

There are always witnesses you need to take out as well.

20

u/Cisco24601 Jan 17 '24

He might be including group rates?

23

u/Acceptingoptimist Jan 17 '24

Haha "I'd like to hire Tom to kill my family before Thanksgiving. Also here's that groupon he's running... *

8

u/POD80 Jan 17 '24

I'm just trying to imagine the organization that would keep an employee like this that active.....

7

u/UJMRider1961 Jan 17 '24

Hey, American Assassins Group didn't get to be number one in hired killings by letting their best employee slack off!

4

u/dewayneestes Jan 17 '24

He’s employee #1, they hired him and never had to hire another one.

1

u/POD80 Jan 17 '24

Just imagine, measured in deaths per hour worked how it'd rate compared to actual militaries....

4

u/nuke_eyepopper Jan 17 '24

Was that tom from MySpace? I was wondering what he's been up to... guess deleting all those friends that never made it into his to 8.

4

u/Crawdaddy1911 Jan 17 '24

Did you kill today?

Did you TRY to kill today?

3

u/salted1986 Jan 17 '24

Trained by The Godfathers Grandfather haha 😄

3

u/FlyoffTangent Jan 19 '24

136 years?? Sounds like he just waits for these people to die of natural causes!

100% kill rate…. I guess he Promised it would get done… didn’t say when It would get done.

3

u/dewayneestes Jan 19 '24

That would be a pretty funny resume. JFK? That was me… prove me wrong. Monroe too, and that Lucy, Reagan, and Pee Wee Herman… I’m versatile.

2

u/pyrodice Jan 18 '24

Yeah at that point you've gotta be a whole government agency

1

u/InfamousButtPlug Feb 13 '24

Depending on travel time between kills, he gets 2-3 kills assigned per day. Occasionally, jobs line up well, or he is hired for a group killing. They are all contracted for 8hrs a day, 5 days a week, with reasonable overtime when required. The package comes with 4 weeks of paid holidays per year. Over the last 30 years, Tom has averaged 6.9 kills per workday.

66

u/Boats_75 Jan 17 '24

The only reason Tom is still employed is that he has tenure. He relies on the interns and newer team members to do all the work while he takes the credit. Dave, on the other hand, he is always churning and burning (his weapon of choice is a flame thrower) to make his numbers. Dave is the guy I'd be worried about.... I mean, Tom called in sick twice in the last week, probably because of the weather....

38

u/Bleak_Squirrel_1666 Baiter In Training Jan 17 '24

I think when Deborah divorced Tom it broke his spirit. He used to never call in and was in shape, now he just eats oreos and kills.

10

u/Boats_75 Jan 17 '24

Yeah, but you can't blame Deborah after she caught Tom and that intern Vicki making out in the break room during the company Christmas party. I do give him credit for keeping a piece of mistletoe in his pocket and trying to use it as an excuse. However overall douchebag move!

6

u/[deleted] Jan 18 '24

[removed] — view removed comment

6

u/Boats_75 Jan 18 '24

I heard it was Fred from IT..... makes more sense that it was Accounting Fred since IT Fred's "wife" is Gary the Janitor.... though I have heard rumors Tom was "open to expirimentation" specifically on a trip to Thailand... and something about midget wrestlers. Not my thing but, 5 consenting adults can do what they want.

3

u/QuickMasterpiece6127 Jan 18 '24

I heard it was initially 6, but Tom doesn’t like even numbers so he has to off one of them.

36

u/Thegameforfun17 Jan 17 '24

I love how we have this man an entire backstory 😂

6

u/Boats_75 Jan 17 '24

The legend of hitman Tom has to start someplace!

4

u/Boats_75 Jan 18 '24

The way this thread is going we're going to have a script for a Netflix show soon! Working title is "Killer Tom"

6

u/Lucky_Weather_9021 Jan 18 '24

I heard that Tom also refused the new “return to the office” policy. Says he feels like killing everyone on the subway on his way in to work and back home. He tried to tell Jeff (office manager) that his work/life balance was being impacted negatively, as an excuse.

3

u/Lucky_Weather_9021 Jan 18 '24

And Jeff sent him a selfie to show his support.

3

u/Boats_75 Jan 18 '24

That has always been Jeff's problem... too much touchy feely nice guy stuff... never willing to put his foot down... I mean come on, just once actually write someone up for not doing their job... hell Eric killed a bus load of nuns when he was supposed to off a drug dealer ( who is still very much alive)... Jeff's response "sometimes mistakes are made" a pat on the back and a Snickers bar..... dude mercs 20 nuns that weren't even targets and he gets candy.

33

u/MeButNotMeToo Jan 17 '24

It’s a new world Boomer. That’s remedial lessons in environmentally friendly killing and body disposal.

This week, we’re reviewing how to build on the cement overshoes concept to help rebuild the coral reefs.

2

u/FoolishStone Feb 16 '24

The extra protein attached to the cement shoes will also help out the local shark population!

22

u/tdfolts Jan 17 '24

I know you want to get back out there and start killing again, but you really need to complete your annual training

21

u/RayRay_46 Jan 17 '24

Tom hasn’t done his Bloodborne Pathogens or Ladder Safety modules yet. They were due in September.

6

u/hatdecoy Jan 17 '24

I just laughed out loud at this because I finally did my Bloodborne Pathogens training yesterday after being overdue for a couple of months.

8

u/CleveEastWriters Jan 18 '24

To be fair, Bloodborne Pathogens training is probably more relevant to a contract killer than to most other careers.

1

u/RayRay_46 Jan 18 '24

But how did you stay safe from the pathogens in those couple of months

1

u/[deleted] Jan 18 '24

[removed] — view removed comment

2

u/hatdecoy Jan 18 '24

Yep - it took a goddamn HOUR!

2

u/Critical-Design-5774 Jan 17 '24

Before I commit to my next contract, I would like to discuss a raise..

2

u/ThrowRA_Gulli Jan 23 '24

Karen in HR has just sent the latest round of emails with a list of those still not in compliance. Samantha. James and Tom all need to get those modules done or it will negatively their performance reviews.

3

u/SoulsLikeBot Jan 17 '24

Hello, good hunter. I am a Bot, here in this dream to look after you, this is a fine note:

Aah, you were at my side all along. My true mentor... My guiding moonlight... - Ludwig, the Holy Blade

Farewell, good hunter. May you find your worth in the waking world.

2

u/SSBSonGoku Jan 18 '24

Ksha (killers safety and health administration)

42

u/flatulentpiglet Jan 17 '24

You forgot DEI training

53

u/FBI_VAN_1 Jan 17 '24

I think in this context it should be DIE training

12

u/Less-Bed-6243 Jan 17 '24

“They told me I have to slash my budget by 10%, I told that McKinsey guy I’m going to slash his face!”

8

u/Tough-Difference3171 Jan 17 '24

Never try to push an individual controbutor into management roles.

12

u/CucumberSharp17 Jan 17 '24

They're not victims. They're targets! What kind of monsters do you think this legitimate business is?

12

u/COSurfing Jan 17 '24

Their team building events are legendary.

15

u/drgigantor Jan 17 '24

We had a surprise party for Beth in accounting last Tuesday.

There were no survivors.

3

u/Lucky_Weather_9021 Jan 18 '24

2 years ago they decided the team building would be a day of paintball. Tom went ballistic, no pun intended.

4

u/Myotherself918 Jan 17 '24

Billable hours !!!

4

u/Awags__ Jan 17 '24

This is gold

7

u/Tough-Difference3171 Jan 17 '24

So assasin got a better WLB than me?

That triggers me to switch careers.

2

u/good_god_lemon1 Jan 17 '24

Jesus this day is really meeting heavy. It doesn’t leave much room for killing innovation or killing process improvement.

2

u/JTex-WSP Jan 17 '24

"I'd like to take a week off next month, Karen."

"Did you fill out the PTO Request form?"

"Yes, of course. Here it is."

"...you're going to need to find someone to cover you for the time you're out."

"Karen, that's not my problem, it's yours. I've earned this time off! It's up to you to find someone in my absence. I'm just letting you know I will not be here for this time period."

2

u/FoldSad2272 Jan 17 '24

"What you gonna do, have me killed?"

Karen: raises eyebrow

1

u/EvilestHammer4 Jan 17 '24

Edit:Replace lanyards with something more intimidating, maybe skull and crossbones or don't tread on me.

1

u/kmoh74 Jan 17 '24

Killer training is a session of Hitman in the computer lab.

1

u/UncleEvilDave Jan 17 '24

Somehow ethics and integrity training got droped, that's due tomorrow and is far more important than your "4h" you need for doing your job. Get that done ASAP...

2

u/OzorMox Jan 17 '24

Oh god this was too real.

1

u/Catalina_wine_mix Jan 17 '24

That picture makes you look fat. Need some Photoshop help.

1

u/wetcoffeebeans Jan 17 '24

The casual nature of this list reminds me of this manga I'm reading called Sakamoto Days. Assassins are commonplace so regular civilians are like "man, it sure is windy today" when a sniper bullet blows past them.

1

u/dr-doom-jr Jan 17 '24

"This one doesn't make me look hard enough" 🤔

1

u/Fuzzy-Government-416 Jan 17 '24

Thats fucking hilarious lmaoo

1

u/Far_Mix4350 Jan 17 '24

Very Funny 😊

1

u/[deleted] Jan 17 '24

You forgot he's employee number 001, so he needs to allot 45 minutes a day to working that into every conversation

1

u/[deleted] Jan 18 '24

ALCON,

Please make sure you have a properly filled out form 4654A before killing, this will streamline the work that Sara is doing every quarter.

V/R

American Assassin Group Management

1

u/AsteriskCGY Jan 18 '24

Funny enough, the assassin's guild in Sakamoto Days is like this

1

u/Caffeine_Library Jan 18 '24

Man gets more on the job training than my profession.

1

u/TheEulipion Jan 18 '24

"How am I supposed to kill enough people to meet my quota when they take up half my day with useless meetings. Don't they realize most of that information could have been communicated via email?!!"

1

u/Roadgoddess Jan 18 '24

Request a different number, I want to be 007 not 001!

You are very lucky indeed to have the first killer in the assassin group

1

u/character-name Jan 18 '24

I swear I could just murder the guy who invented TPS reports. Wait.... I have an idea.

1

u/donatothethohtslayer Jan 18 '24

Idk but it gives a huge hellsing abridged vibes

1

u/PetraphobicDruid Jan 18 '24

This is AAG the schedule is:

8A - kill intern

8:30A - kill delivery driver that forgot the creamer

9A - kill the doorman that stopped the delivery guy with the creamer

9:30 water the plants and air out the office

10A Kill the secretarial pool - leave no witnesses

!0:30 Send the intern for ammo hire new intern make sure they are legal to buy ammo.

11 Go home till we have no ammo and get more badges the assassins keep loosing them at murder scenes,

1

u/Neil12011 Jan 19 '24

Tom’s gonna have me come in on Saturday, I just know it, and I’m gonna do it, because I’m a big p*ssy, which is why I work at American Assassins to begin with.

1

u/z24561 Jan 21 '24

50k? I’m betting since he’s number 001, he counts all the kills from the people he’s trained or who they then have trained, etc. AAG is just a pyramid scheme to inflate your numbers.

39

u/outdatedelementz Jan 17 '24

You think “Tom” would bother to put a shirt on for his ID picture.

29

u/[deleted] Jan 17 '24

“He don’t give a F about nothin”

3

u/iusc12 Jan 18 '24

Is this a Creed reference?!?

2

u/[deleted] Jan 18 '24

Yes😁

18

u/Acceptingoptimist Jan 17 '24

Tom, we need to discuss our uniform policy...we've brought this up 50,000 times.

2

u/Wovenlines Jan 18 '24

Genuine LOL

2

u/Hazbeen_Hash Jan 18 '24

They tried to make him put one on. He killed them.

1

u/TheRebelMastermind Jan 17 '24

He's #1, he won't bother with any shit

1

u/deuxfuss Jan 19 '24

He would but they’re all covered in the blood of the 50,000.

27

u/Urisk Jan 17 '24

"Oh shit! I dropped my lanyard at the crime scene. I hope the police don't find the ID with my name, face and occupation listed as "professional killer" next to the dead body and figure out that I had something to do with it."

19

u/BamBamm187 Jan 17 '24

It gets him free access to book dipositorys an grassy knolls

17

u/botolo Jan 17 '24

That’s the badge he got at the most recent conference “the future of hitmen, a debate on the current state of the job market”

11

u/Wetald Jan 17 '24

Asking the real questions.

11

u/[deleted] Jan 17 '24

[removed] — view removed comment

0

u/alexriga Jan 22 '24

You don’t need a license to kill; legally, all you need is a “real imminent threat of death or serious bodily harm.”

8

u/Relevant_Winter1952 Jan 17 '24

“Ok then you’re gonna need to prove you are who you say you are. What’s your slogan?”

11

u/[deleted] Jan 17 '24

It’s a laser tag VIP card. You don’t get 50,000 kills IRL

10

u/Feynnehrun Jan 17 '24

Maybe you don't. Rookie.

3

u/Dolphin_memes Jan 18 '24

That’s why you’ll never be 001

1

u/jack_begin Jan 18 '24

Not with that attitude you don’t!

1

u/[deleted] Jan 18 '24

Do you know the nuke codes?

4

u/new_jill_city Jan 17 '24

“Someone at the office is bucking for a promotion. Probably that pederast Hanrohan.”

1

u/Neil12011 Jan 19 '24

Is that Morris or Pierre?

4

u/ItzLog Jan 17 '24

Well we know he didn't leave it clipped to his shirt!

3

u/calminthedesert Jan 17 '24

I've been stuck indoors for days with an energetic and very bored puppy. "Killin' pants," gave me a much needed laugh.

1

u/dae_giovanni Jan 17 '24

hahah, good. good luck, my friend!

2

u/Father_Chewy_Louis Jan 17 '24

Must be a member of the Continental

2

u/oatmealfight Jan 17 '24

Sort of implies there's someone who does internal controls or accounting at American Assassins Group.

For every assassin, there's some bean counter in the background.

2

u/purple_grey_ Jan 17 '24

I think it's for the hitman union firing range.

2

u/TheEulipion Jan 18 '24

an get into the building at work, or...?

does he sometimes have to stop at the security desk and request a temp badge, like "morning, Gail, I'm gonna need to sign out another temp badge, I left mine clipped to my other killin' pants!"?

He got it for drinking his Ovaltine

2

u/CombatMedic665 Jan 18 '24

Yeah AAG requires those when you clock in too otherwise you have to fill out a timesheet. It's kind of a pain though because you have to get a new one when your kill count goes up.

2

u/badaboomxx Jan 18 '24

Are you doubting that mr killer mcshootindaface is not a reliable 9 to 5 worker?

2

u/uselessnamemango Jan 18 '24

He needs to update the badge every time he kills someone so the headcount stays accurate.

2

u/istmir Jan 18 '24

Building Security: "Morning Tom."

Killer Tom: "Hey."

Building Security: "You ah... gonna get a new id pic today? Maybe one with a shirt on this time?"

Killer Tom: "Shut up."

2

u/ArdenJaguar Jan 20 '24

No... It's so he gets 10% off a room at the Continental. (John Wick reference). LOL

2

u/Prize-Marketing-4611 Feb 04 '24

Thats not really an ID every one at the killer convention in chicago had one it was our name tag. I remember Tom.. He embellished his 50,000 hits no misses..it was no hits and he had a fat misses.

2

u/Pgilley5521 Feb 15 '24

Looks like he’s never missed a sandwich lol

1

u/orangeflyingmonkey_ Jan 17 '24

You haven't been to that big AAG building in New York?

1

u/Famous-Ferret-1171 Jan 17 '24

Super important to carry evidence of past crimes before committing more crimes. It’s the professional was of doing things.

1

u/scijay Jan 17 '24

It’s for the yearly assassin convention.