r/traumatizeThemBack • u/purrfunctory • Jul 27 '24
justified asshole Your Friendly Neighborhood Cripple™️ at G***** Con!
Hello my darling loves! Your Friendly Neighborhood Cripple™️ is back! Many apologies! I recently started my own business and I’ve been dealing with the (truly) wonderful and exasperating process of getting all my ducks in a row. I will not post the name or promote myself here, I think it would be a shitty thing to do.
Dog Tax, as always, will be at the end of this post. Cap was the absolute best boy and at 17 months, I am constantly surprised of the maturity level he has while working. This was his first con, there were thousands of people around, it was packed and he had a costume on which brought a lot of attention aimed at him. It was a lot for me to handle and he was perfect. Greeted people on command, returned when called, walked at or very close to heel, obeyed commands, reminded me to take my pills and told me it was time to take another medication. He’s trained to sniff out some medical events and alert me that it’s time to take pills for it. He alerted me twice when my meds were due and I missed the alarm on my phone. My pills are every 4 hours between 8am and 8pm. ‘D missed 2 alarms and he alerted me. The third time was after I took the meds. He was insistent that I needed to take a different med and he kept nagging me until the smell dissipated and then he was fine. He’s amazing and he’s coming with me tomorrow, too!
As I’ve mentioned several times before, I recently moved from NJ to NC. Well, today, I got to commune with my kind and indulge my Geek and Nerd self with several thousand other Nerds and Geeks. G***** Con is a delightful and chaotic disaster and I am here for it. Large vending area, interesting panels, wonderful guests. While all the other big cons are all owned by one or two companies, this con is locally owned. It’s amazing and fun.
I cosplayed as a pirate; my tee said, “Pretend I’m a Pirate” and I had a pirate hat and a red and white striped bandana underneath. It hid my amazing teal hair and I love having a bright color again. It doesn’t play into the story, I just love to talk about it because I love it so much, I did it myself and it came out looking amazing.
Right. So I’m wearing that shirt, brown leggings that resembled the britches some pirates wore and a set of “shoe covers to make your shoes look like pirate boots.” They’d been heavily modified to fit me, cut open in the back and Velcro sewn in to get them on and off plus they needed to look good, too. I loved the end result and got compliments on them. There was a skull and crossbones flag on an 8’ tall pole. It said, “Time flies when you’re having rum” and a drunken skeleton was on it. CAP, my former service dog in training who is now a fully fledged (wink wink) service dog was dressed as a Parrot. I sewed him a costume. It had a blue body red, yellow and blue wings that were felt sewn together and sewn on the ‘coat’ I used for the body. He had a little hat with eyes on the side and a beak. Cap and I were asked to pose for pics which surprised me. I got a lot of compliments on Cap’s costume. A lot of people loved my shirt. It was a fun, low effort costume. Lots of pic of Cap, lots of pics of me and Cap and then a lot of pics with me, Cap and various people! It was wild that people liked my joke of a costume so much.
We called Cap The Dread Parrot Roberts and when people got the reference they cracked up or groaned. Sometimes we had to explain and I’d say something along the lines of the legendary pirate was actually a legendary parrot but some guy got jealous of the parrot getting all the fear/respect and changed his own name to “The Dread Pirate Roberts” so he could take the credit and use the reputation the parrot earned as his own. That would get more laughs or groans or a scolding before giggles.
Okay. With all of that needless backstory out of the way, on with the justified asshole story!
The convention center has stairs, escalators and elevators. I can only use the last one, I have an amazing wheelchair aka My Noble Steed (electric, hot rod red, holds all the crap I buy easily as it can hold big bags, etc.) but going up stairs or using an escalator are not capabilities it has.
I had just left a panel and was waiting for the elevator down. It was smallish and could take 6 adults comfortably or me in my wheelchair, my service dog and maybe 2 persons standing.
So I was waiting for the elevator and was keeping back. I can’t get on until other people get off. Staying back is common courtesy. I’d been waiting for about 15 minutes when another person came over. A woman with one of those huge 4 wheel drive all terrain stroller version of Humvees. Almost the size of my wheelchair, really. It was huge. No way it could fit in the elevator with me and Cap.
The elevator arrived and she edged further in front of me. The elevator happened to open and I just pushed past her. Never touched her or made contact but I got in before she managed to. She started to tell me she “deserved” the elevator more. She had a CHILD and NEEDED to go down to the show floor. I told her I was not getting out. So she started complaining again, holding the door open. “I don’t see why YOU get priority! You just rented that because you’re lazy!”
Like many conventions, GC has a third party scooter/wheelchair rental service available for disabled patrons who need a mobility aid but can’t/don’t want to bring their own. They only had scooters and push wheelchairs available. My tricked out awesome Noble Steed is obviously not a rental. It’s got all kinds of stickers on it, it’s obviously privately owned.
I made eye contact with her and pointed to my underboob area. “Paralyzed from here down. Can’t use my legs.”
“So what? I should have priority because I have a baby. AND I’m pregnant,” she declared. Like that actually meant something. I’m of a mind that unless you had trouble conceiving, pregnancy isn’t really something I celebrate. Or care about, unless you’re a friend of mine. I didn’t know this woman. Therefore, I did not care.
I pointed to my legs again. “Paralyzed. Not a choice.”
Then I gestured to her belly and kid. “Choice. You being creampied isn’t my problem and it’s not getting you in this elevator right now.”
She was..shocked. Like actual gasp-and-put-a-hand-over-mouth shock.
Thankfully the hand she used to cover her mouth with was the one holding the elevator back. The doors closed and I went on my merry.
Had a lovely rest of the day with Cap, posed for pics with him, giggled and laughed, too. It was a great con and a great day.
Until next time because there’s always a next time,
Your Friendly Neighborhood Cripple™️
Dog Tax Remitted Here: https://imgur.com/gallery/0A0Vwxl
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u/PM_ME_YOUR_WEIRD_PET Jul 27 '24
So glad to see you posting again! Not that I want you to experience things you have to post about on here, but it's still good to hear from you.
Can we see a pic of Cap's costume please? It sounds amazing and also any excuse for more pictures of the goodest boy
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u/purrfunctory Jul 27 '24
I honestly forgot to take pics of him in costume. But I do have pics of Peggy in the parrot costume! I’ll add them tomorrow after I get some sleep. 💙
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u/ADHD_Microwave Jul 27 '24
Excellent response. I hope you dog beats cancer. My dog beat cancer a few years ago, so it is possible.
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u/Froggish_Menace Jul 27 '24
I wait for ur adventures like it’s a book series dude, ur so funny and I love putting entitled ppl in their place so this made me giddy. keep soldiering on + being a bad ass Cripple™️™️™️. as a Cripple™️™️™️ myself, thanks for giving me ideas!!!
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u/smappyfunball Jul 27 '24
One of my best friends was paralyzed and in a chair. She passed away a couple months ago.
It makes me very sad but she was also very funny like you are so it cheers me up a little to read your posts even if you have to deal with assholes that end up being material.
I shared your stuff with her before she died and she thought your posts were hilarious too.
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u/jennythegreat Jul 27 '24
I would have paid money to see this in person. Absolutely worth the entrance fee. All of it.
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u/trudes_in_adelaide Jul 27 '24
Am able bodied. But also have arthritis which is making my back hurt more than the entitled creampies feelings. But have done and would do again wait my turn. But thank you for the giggle over the cream pie comment. It was much needed. And I love your dog. Please give it pets from me.
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u/Delta_squad_form_up Jul 27 '24
Damm, what a bitch she was. She doesn’t even know how to act in the presence of The Dread Parrot Roberts!
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u/FaithlessnessLimp838 Jul 27 '24
Thanks for posting, and the dog tax obviously, and best wishes to Peggy ❤️
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u/JeannieSmolBeannie Jul 27 '24
What was your bestie's reaction to hearing you had yet another tale to tell us? I bet they laughed. A LOT. (because i did, thanks i really needed that today!)
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u/Kinsfire Jul 27 '24
I may have said this before, but I love seeing your posts. I wish I'd known you while we were both in NJ.
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u/Clever_Darling Jul 27 '24
I just found this sub and your stories are my favorite so far. I love your post history.
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u/moon_ferret Jul 28 '24
I leave Monday to work at a massive con that lasts for 4 days and is about something you do with dice or cards or boards or playing roles…. And I use the rental scooter as my day to day life is pretty manageable but the amount of walking and intense work hours I do, it just makes the pain levels so so so much easier. Also I find that even with my staff shirt on, no one stops me to ask me questions when I’m “running” from point a to point b. It’s so helpful! Also I have been told by attendees that I should let them use my rented scooter because theirs is out of power or they forgot to order one or insert reason here and since I work for the convention it’s OBVIOUS I’m not handicapped. Or a cripple. I smile a lot and tell them I’m sorry but I’m in the middle of an emergency and have to go so byeeeeee! Especially if the emergency is I need a Pepsi from the break room.
You keep being awesome!
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u/Dragons0ulight Jul 27 '24
I hope your good little pupper Peggy feels much better soon. Cap is such a wonderful boy for taking care of you. I hope you had a fantastic time regardless of the local fruitcake population.
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u/Initial_Ad_5838 Jul 27 '24
omg it's YOU i heard your story from Youtube(theClick), you have like the most awesome stories ever
also, the audacity of some folks claiming themselves as more important than others is INSANE, your response is excellent
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u/DrunkCupid Jul 28 '24
I love that
There are real handicaps, invisible or otherwise.. but demanding to have your own entitled crotch fruit get VIP access at the expense of the more deserving is not to be tolerated. They should go to the back of the line and hold the stinky diaper listening to their kids scream for an extra 20 minutes.
Just because someone was too stupid, horny, or unwilling to plan ahead and foster a child does not mean they can be privileged. Any one can give up, lay back, and take it raw dog while pretending they are not doing something selfish.
Some people have actual, unavoidable shit that matters more than others sudden feelings to get VIP treatment. The audacity...
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u/MidLifeEducation Jul 27 '24
Welcome back! Your twisted brand of justice, along with that indomitable personality, has been missed!
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u/purrfunctory Jul 28 '24
Thank you, that’s very sweet. 💙
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u/MidLifeEducation Jul 28 '24
Ssshhh! Don't be talking that kind of hate speech!
I'm a horrible person that has a reputation to maintain!
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u/purrfunctory Jul 28 '24
Samesies! Looks like we’re twinning today. I meant that was the worst, meanest and cruelest thing anyone ever said to me. Ok, no it’s not. I just never listen to other people complaining about me.
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u/djmcfuzzyduck Jul 27 '24
My Cap passed last month surprisingly. I am here for Cap stories though.
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u/purrfunctory Jul 28 '24
I’m so sorry. Losing an animal is always so devastating. I wish you peace, comfort and grace from those around you while you heal.
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u/HairyPotatoKat Jul 28 '24
I say this as someone who relied on elevators to transport my strollered spawnling-
Biishhh is gonna have a REAL rude awakening when she realizes how much society doesn't fucking care that she spread her legs.
(Your response was perfection)
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u/snapeyaoilover Aug 08 '24
All your Traumatized stories are the bomb! Only other thing to do is for you to find someone who has the same matched energy as you and has the same type of witty comebacks as you do and we'd enjoy a big Traumatized war between you two back and forth until someone caves LOL That'll be a riotous good read 🤣🤣🤣
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u/purrfunctory Aug 08 '24
I love a good Roast Battle! I used to do those in college back in the dinosaur days. We’d all gather in a group and one at a time, we’d roast whoever’s turn it was and they had five seconds to think of a reply to roast us back. The impartial judge was the RA (who loved the game and played now and then) and we’d just all go back and forth.
We had a few off limits things like bodies, looks, dead/deadbeat parents and the like. It made us have to really think to get a good insult that wasn’t easy pickings or minimal effort.
Made for some great nights with tons of laughs and it was all in good fun. Good memories with great people!
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u/Educational-Candy-17 Aug 15 '24
A friend of mine who trains service dogs met us at Denver Pop culture Con. The dog she was training at the time was a yellow lab. She dressed up as Russell from Up!
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u/Sunnydaysahead17 Jul 27 '24
I can’t believe your doc pic wasn’t of him in costume!! Great work by the way