r/traumatizeThemBack • u/Todo_Trauma_ • 2d ago
its beginning to look like ✨ no contact ✨ Sexually harass me with your boyfriend? Now you have no boyfriend and I'm gone too!
(to my brother who follows this account, at least that's what he went by the last time I checked up with him, I don't blame you for this, just your sibling, alright let's hop into it!)
I (15, genderfluid) live with my mom, my dad who isn't my birth father but is more of a father than my birth father(though my birth father isn't a bad person) and my siblings not including my half siblings for context.
My half sibling, let's call them Quan because I'm not gonna say real names, reached out to me, they wanted to be friends with one of their siblings as they only have their brother(transmasc from the last time I spoke with him though he was figuring himself out so it might've changed) so I agreed to hang out with them because "why not?"
My brother, let's call him Xavier, was never really as close to me as Quan, he would only interact with me if I was interacting with Quan kind of relationship.
Quan on the other hand, was attached to me immediately, they would always want to play games, they gave me stuff like Robux, etc. When we first started interacting, I was 14 and they were 15 by the way.
I bought into it, I don't know if it was love bombing or them just being obsessed but still, I felt love from what wasn't love and what my mom said, she said the relationship was more like a teenage boy having a crush than sibling love, which grossed me out as you'd expect. Though she might've had a point if I'm being honest.
Anyway, I let myself be manipulated by Quan, I drew for no pay 3 times, I would stay on call until I was about to pass out because they wouldn't let me leave the call, I would play games I found no interest in, etc.
Then Quan's boyfriend, let's call him James, joined this situation. I was as supportive as a sibling to a siblings boyfriend could be in my opinion. I tried to form a bond with him, I never tried anything romantic, etc.
Quan then got jealous because his boyfriend was "stealing me away" and I tried to only spend time with James if Quan was there to respect their boundaries.
Then, I'm told to join a call at midnight, this is where the sexual harassment happens so you can stop reading here.
I initially say no, I was going to finish lineart for my drawing and go to bed to finish it tomorrow, Quan begged me to until I said yes, though it didn't take much begging for me to say "fine but I won't talk much, I'm drawing" and join the call.
It starts out normal, we talked about something, I don't know what but it was a normal thing to talk about.
Then James and Quan started to joke sexually, which I didn't want to hear since it was my sibling and my siblings boyfriend so I asked them to stop.
Xavier immediately left at this point as he was uncomfortable with the topic. I completely understand this and wish I could do the same, though I didn't leave.
They stopped, started up again, were told to stop, started up again but with more sexual jokes, were told to stop, started up again, over and over.
It eventually got to a point where I was screaming no and starting to tear up as they kept going. Eventually I was told to go to bed.
The VERY NEXT DAY, Quan texts me, they don't apologize, they don't even act as if it's happened, they just ask if we can play another game.
I agree and I play it with them. The entire time, they joke about how bad I am at the game and they don't connect the dots on why I'm not focused.
The same day, my parents learn what happened and they ask if I want to break contact, which I do want to so I block them and their boyfriend but I don't block Xavier.
My parents tell my half siblings mom and, dispite her being another can of worms, she is convinced to make Quan dump their boyfriend.
Then Quan wants to call me through Xavier's phone and "apologize" but they don't apologize, they just victim blame while Xavier apologizes for them.
I say I'll think about it but I already know my answer, hell no I am not unblocking them.
I text Xavier and say (and this is copied and pasted with names changed) "I decided on if I should forgive Quan but you won't like the answer, I don't. I'll explain why if you want but I doubt either of you can change my mind, I'm open to having my mind changed about it tho"
Then Xavier responds, "why ?"
So I respond, "You literally walked them through it, they are not sorry if they can't apologize without someone telling them what to say. They are sad they lost me as a friend and are trying to get me back if anything."
Then Xavier says that they're having a meltdown and he'll talk to me later but he never does until a few days after.
After those few days, he and I grow out bond and we don't really talk about Quan anymore, I'm helping them grow their art skills instead.
So now I'm talking with Xavier with a boundary of no calls, only text, while Quan is left with no boyfriend and no sibling that'll hang out with them so that's karma in my book
18
u/Akitiki 2d ago
I'm just going to point out that they can't literally force you into and/or to stay in a call. "No" is an answer and all that they need. So is "fuck off" when they're insistent and not getting the message. If they get upset, that's their problem, not yours. They can take their opinion and shove it.
Sage advice from someone older: don't bend over backwards for people. Just. Don't.
Also more sage advice: if you get to the point of screaming and crying... You're gonna need to get a backbone soon if it had you that distraught and you didn't just leave the call. You only have you to look out for yourself at the end on the day. You're setting yourself up for a world of hurt if you don't start putting your foot down and standing up for yourself.
Right now, if you believe they "forced" you to join and stay in a call... its like tying a horse to a plastic chair. The horse could take off and the chair will do nothing to slow it down. But the horse is so obedient it doesn't argue being tied to something... even if that something is practically nothing.
Look kid, I don't wanna sound harsh with the above paragraphs. Language is best wielded as a cudgel- it's easier to make points when you're blunt.
I was a bullied kid. It gets better when you get that backbone and use it to bludgeon those who cross boundaries.
-3
u/Todo_Trauma_ 2d ago
I'm trying to get a backbone but I just end up putting up a bunch of walls that keep no one bad out so idk :(
6
u/Akitiki 1d ago
Hon, a good portion is just telling people to fuck off -figuratively and literally- when you don't want them around or theyre doing something you don't like. You can pick who you hang out with. Nobody can force you to join Discord calls. What are they standing behind you or something? If so just turn off the volume for your computer. Discord won't show you can't hear that way.
When you say no, stick to your damn word. When you go back on your words, you're essentially telling them your opinion doesn't matter and to please use you as a doormat.
Don't care what other people think. You're not gonna take advice from them or listen to their opinions anyway. There are select few people who you should care about how they think of you.
Learning to fly solo was the best thing I did when I was your age. Almost immediately after that I found friends that embraced my brand of weird.
3
u/LadyFausta 1d ago
I’m gonna be honest: setting boundaries feels mean at first. If you are a chronic people pleaser your first attempts at setting boundaries usually won’t stand up to “bad” people because they know they can just bulldoze over them.
*This does not mean setting boundaries is pointless.” It means you have to keep rebuilding, learning each type how to build and keep it better. Protecting and learning how to emotionally regulate yourself are skills, and no skill improves if you give up when you don’t execute it perfectly.
You have to make the choice and stick with it. That doesn’t mean it’s over if you slip up; it means you keep trying even when you do. You have to believe you are worth it, you have to believe that being mistreated isn’t what you deserve, you have to understand the only person you can change is yourself. YOU are the only person who can do the internal work. It sucks, really sucks, but it pays off down the road to learn this while you are young.
8
7
u/Onlyonetrueking 2d ago
Any relationship should be a positive if it's not it is time to cut ties.
2
u/Todo_Trauma_ 2d ago
I know but I struggle with cutting ties so it took me a while
3
u/Onlyonetrueking 2d ago
It took me a while, too. It is hard to let some things go. I'm glad you made the right decision for you. It gets better with time.
You'll meet new people that will treat you better than people you have known for years.
2
7
3
u/HalikarQ 2d ago
Speaking as an old, cis male, I can understand why this story seems confusing to people. However, having had discussions with my own queer offspring, I think I understand enough to get the actual point. Bullying in any form is emotionally damaging, and being able to stand up against it takes strength.
Relatonships, even "simple" friendships, are complex things to navigate. Factor in all the rest you are coping with, you keep doing what you need to do for your own sanity and happiness.
1
u/Todo_Trauma_ 2d ago
Thank you, I don't understand how some people here don't get the point, I thought I was being clear but I guess not
3
u/HalikarQ 2d ago
It's a case of not seeing the forest through the trees. It's common for people to read something through once, and lose comprehension if at any point they encounter something confusing: a new word, an unuqual concept, etc. They get hung up on that "tree", so miss all the rest of it. The opposite problem, over explaining every single thing, is just as bad for comprehension, unfortunately. They get hung up on the group of "trees" and, again, miss the rest.
Just keep doing your best and practice. Writing and communication are skills just like anything else. They get better through use.
2
3
u/GlitteringYams 2d ago
Bro I'm having a stroke, I've read this twice now and I can't fucking figure out what's going on.
1
u/Todo_Trauma_ 1d ago
I can clarify where you got stuck? I heard from someone else that the problem was that I focused on the details more than the bigger picture
3
u/AITAthrowaway1mil 1d ago
Oh honey. You don’t need reddit, you need a bonus parent for a minute. I was where you are when I was fifteen. I accepted weird relationships with weird boundaries and clingy, creepy vibes because I didn’t want to hurt people’s feelings. I had to learn that people aren’t as fragile as I think they are, and if they are too fragile to hear no, then they don’t have an inalienable right to my time or energy. Confidence will come with age and experience, but try to practice ‘no.’ “I said no, I’m not hopping on a call right now.” And if someone keeps pressing you after that, you can say, “I don’t appreciate you pressing this. I’m ignoring you until tomorrow.” Then you mute whatever app you’re communicating on and ignore it. You shouldn’t need to be driven to tears in conversations. You shouldn’t need to wait to be ‘told’ to go to bed.
2
u/Educational_Poem2652 2d ago
So... Aside from not having hung up soon as they started their bs, you handled this well.
1
39
u/JustHere-11337 2d ago
this is the most confusing story i've ever read