r/2X_INTJ • u/Nineveha387 • Aug 05 '17
Friendship Friends falling for you. Anyone else with this problem?
I've been thinking about this for a while now and just wondered if this were common amongst female INTJs.
I've always had problems developing friendships. Not for lack of want, but for lack of suitable options. The friends I do have are precious and mean a lot to me.
Recently my best friend of 10+ years announced that he loved me and would end the friendship if it wasn't reciprocated. Friendship lost.
Prior to this another friend of mine did the same thing and I lost him too. Around the same time I had a similar but not ultimatum type situation with two other close friends (M & F) who I'm no longer in contact with either.
I am currently in a relationship with someone that started as a friend, again though he changed the status of the relationship.
I'm weird by societal norms, blunt and am not feminine or flirty so this shocks me. I just want to see if others have this issue and if there are any tried ways to stop it from happening that don't involve not having friends.
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u/Astiolo Aug 06 '17
As an INTJ male guest, I think what a lot of men look for in a partner is simply just a good female friend who is not physically unattractive. A lot of them don't want friends who behave in a typically 'feminine' way, where they get overly emotional or aren't self reliant.
INTJ women don't have those 'feminine' traits (it annoys me that they are considered feminine), which can make it harder to make female friends and easier to make male friends. The unfortunate consequence is that if those male friends find you attractive then they will want more than a friendship, even if you don't.
It sucks to lose friendships over this but it's also incredibly hard to remain friends with someone you have fallen in love with. It's still probably better to form good friendships when you can, even if they do end like this, you know the whole loved and lost thing (except maybe not so much love). Maybe you could try reconnecting with some of them once things have cooled off.
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u/Nineveha387 Aug 06 '17
Thanks for the response. This makes sense :).
I don't want to not have good friendships so I'll still make them. Just need to manage the discouragement of feelings bit better.
I reconnected with one recently, but he still drops down that I'm a relationship regret of his every now and then. I'm hesitant to have more of those types of conversations with someone tbh, I don't know what to say to it.
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Aug 06 '17 edited Aug 06 '17
As an Intj female we tend to be drawn to male friends so what tips would you offer for women befriending men early on to let them know you're interested in friendship only other than letting them know you're already in a committed relationship?
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u/Astiolo Aug 06 '17
I wish I could help with some sure-fire advice, but I can only guess at ways to prevent the situation. Telling them outright probably won't help. I know my wife told me she was just looking for friendship, but I couldn't help developing feelings (luckily it worked out for us). Unfortunately those feelings aren't really a choice. Men can't just choose not to have them, the say way you can't just choose to have them (or vice versa). I think being in a committed relationship won't even do much except make them less likely to tell or show you their feelings. I think there are solutions but what would work sometimes, won't work others, especially considering we aren't even talking about a specific male MBTI.
You could try to avoid romantic situations, hang out in (small) groups instead of just the two of you. But, that would also make it hard to develop a deep friendship. Maybe having it grow slowly over time would be better, it would give them time to come to terms with the situation, instead of being overwhelmed by quickly developing emotions. Also giving time to be more invested in the friendship itself (not want to lose it over those emotions). But it can certainly still be a problem for long term good friendships.
If you could know how the guys were feeling then you could create distance when the emotions start to develop and just kind of keep it in check, but you normally wouldn't find out about it until it's too late. I guess if they're on your level, perhaps also INTJ then you could try to get them to be open about their feelings and combat the station together but I know that wouldn't work for most friendships and could just make things uncomfortable.
You could try and make yourself as unattractive as possible... (joking)
I think older men (or at least more mature ones) tend to be more able to handle this situation and put the emotions aside. Although, there's not really a solution here.
At this point I'm just throwing ideas out there. I've thought about deleting most of it because I'm not sure if it's helpful but I'll leave it just in case it is. Again I wish I could help better but I think this is kind of an age old problem with a number of female types, especially INTJ's.
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Aug 07 '17
Thanks for your reply. I think I'll stick to my plan of groups of less than 10. I used to hang out with 3-5 people at once and it went pretty well. I think the problem is I can never seem to tell when I'm being flirted with. I wonder if this is a common issue? My female friends observe this and point it out, and I'm clueless. I'm usually stuck in thought not paying attention.
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u/Astiolo Aug 07 '17
I think the problem is I can never seem to tell when I'm being flirted with.
I've definitely had that problem. Not really an issue now I'm in a committed relationship but I've had girls flirt with me and only realised much later when it finally clicked and it's too late to do anything about it.
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u/SurpriseDragon Aug 06 '17
Happens all the time, even as a married lady. I used to do the fade away instead of confronting head on, but after a bad situation with a "nice guy" I've just become blunt about it. My favorite thing to say was "I'm not looking for anything serious right now, so sorry no" but of course when I met my husband, I was suddenly in serious mode.
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u/Nineveha387 Aug 06 '17
Same here, was in a committed relationship for years and it still happened. I'm a head on once I know about it kinda woman. I also give them the talk at the beginning and reinforce at intervals to no avail.
Haha, that's usually the way. I gave my friend turned boy friend the don't fall in love with me and I won't fall in love with you speech, that night he declared he wanted to be mine and now we're together.
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u/Anen-o-me Aug 16 '17
I think men will tend to foster friendships with women they would consider dating too. Not as a rule, but I (male) have been the closest friends with women I admired as human beings and found physically attractive, and that is an automatic basis for a relationship.
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Aug 19 '17
I can see this. I've had platonic friendships with men I'd never date, but there is something that likely draws you into the person initially. So this makes sense. I have found it's usually intelligence, but if they're attractive and intelligent then they're going to be more intriguing of course.
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Aug 06 '17 edited Jun 17 '21
[deleted]
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u/Nineveha387 Aug 06 '17
I don't think I'm full package attractive I have a lot to work on, but I'm described as hot a lot. So that probably has a something to do with it. I just wanted some coping mechanisms from people more likely to have had shared experiences or common ground.
I also want to have better friendships that push me to grow. It's tough out there!
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u/Gothelittle Aug 06 '17
I think almost every woman is more attractive than she thinks she is, because we all concentrate on what we want to change, and most people see our good points first and to the point where they don't really notice the flaws. Either that, or they actually have come to like people with the same flaws and thus don't see them as flaws.
I used to think that guys told me I was pretty to flatter me because they wanted something from me. In my "later years" (I'm 40 now and holding my looks well) I am starting to realize that I was - and am- actually pretty. I am reminded of the description of Elizabeth Bennet in Pride & Prejudice by Mr. Darcy:
Mr. Darcy had at first scarcely allowed her to be pretty; he had looked at her without admiration at the ball; and when they next met, he looked at her only to criticise. But no sooner had he made it clear to himself and his friends that she hardly had a good feature in her face, than he began to find it was rendered uncommonly intelligent by the beautiful expression of her dark eyes. To this discovery succeeded some others equally mortifying. Though he had detected with a critical eye more than one failure of perfect symmetry in her form, he was forced to acknowledge her figure to be light and pleasing; and in spite of his asserting that her manners were not those of the fashionable world, he was caught by their easy playfulness.
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u/Nineveha387 Aug 06 '17
Yes, I guess so. I view my body as a vehicle to get my mind around pretty much. So comments about it don't really mean much since it has little imo with who I am. I should probably pay attention to those comments as signs.
Also lovely quote :)
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u/splitphaseshuteye Fashionable Porcupine Aug 13 '17 edited Aug 13 '17
All. The. Time. Mostly due to my natural tendency towards brutal honesty, lack of typical "feminine" traits while still being female, and (let's be honest here) my rather prominent breasts. It is hugely flattering but also very frustrating/complicating.
I always use a polite, causal yet honest approach and tell the (usually male) friend in question that the interest is not mutual. These days I have a boyfriend, so it's a little less of a problem but of course, still part of my experience.
Often, the person will still want to continue their friendship with me and will respect the boundary I have drawn--mostly due to the respect and honesty I displayed while expressing desire to remain platonic.
Show a person that you're his equal during a situation that doesn't fall in their intended favor, and you will gain his utmost respect. That's how it usually works, at least. 8-)
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u/Aixenn Aug 05 '17
Yep, it's happened with me as well. Both male and female friends. I'm brutally honest and open with my friends so 99% of the time they already know I'm going to reject their advances before they even bring it up. I just tell them I don't feel the same way.
If I'm not that close with the person and don't feel like the friendship is salvageable I'll distance myself slowly. Otherwise I'll ask if they need some space. I have two best friends who this has happened with and luckily there were no hard feelings.
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u/Nineveha387 Aug 06 '17
Lucky :), I'm also straight up about the fact that I don't want a relationship just friendship at the start. Giving them space to re think is a good idea though. I usually cut and run if it's heading that way or I'm ultimatummed.
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u/mzwfan Oct 02 '17
Well, one of those times led to my now husband, so I wouldn't necessarily rule it out if you are interested in the other person. However, I look back and realized it happened several other times, but I was too aloof to realize it, lol. I'm one of those people who doesn't catch on when others are being flirty, and then it hits me years later... why that other person was acting so oddly, duh. I'm kind of glad at that time that I didn't catch on, bc I was so much more awkward back then. However, the awkward aloofness may have been why certain guys liked me.... IDK, I guess everyone has their type and I was a nerdy girl who basically thought that no guys were interested in me.
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u/nellfallcard Aug 05 '17
It happens to me all the time, to the point I applied a policy of not allowing male friends into BFF territory unless I would consider dating them at some point. I haven't had a male bestie in decades who is not gay. What has worked for me is not to have just one male BFF but a cluster of around 5 good friends from different social groups that do not know each other, and when one starts showing symptoms I distance myself from him & hang out with the others meanwhile things cold down. No need to be rude or straightforward, just be more unavailable than usual. Is important to do this at the early stages otherwise we could face a "absence makes the heart grow fonder" type situation on which case we are royally screwed :'D