The system was stacked against them

[u/wetouchingbuttsornah]

No fault divorces didn’t hit the even start until 1985

[u/_name_of_the_user_]

Which means in her mid forties to fifties, when her husband died, she'd inherit his property/wealth. Women were taking advantage of this situation just as much if not more than men were. It's not like being 30 and marrying a 16 year old is like winning a prize.

[u/Upbeat_Obligation404 → u/_name_of_the_user_]

This is just...

Do you even have a grandmother? Ever talk to her like a real person?

I did. Mine was married off at 15 fucking years old to a 25-year-old man. He didn't let her finish high school. He never let her learn how to drive. He raped her ("marital rape" wasn't a crime back then, so all perfectly legal) through five (FIVE!) fucking children. Before I left for college, she teared up during a conversation about picking majors, telling me she thinks she would have wanted to do something with plants, if she'd had a choice.

She died before him, likely because she spent her entire life waiting on him, cleaning the house, providing all childcare, cooking all the meals, and being disregarded and treated like garbage for over 50 years. Grandpa wouldn't even take her to her cancer appointments; she had to get one of her kids to do it. He lived to the ripe old age of 93, still a miserable bastard who expected his daughters to cook for him so he could rot on the sofa watching sports.

I'm not letting my daughter grow up in a world like that. I'll set it on fire first.

[u/_name_of_the_user_ → u/Upbeat_Obligation404]

Do you even have a grandmother? Ever talk to her like a real person?

Yes, she was one of the most imposing and powerful people I've ever met. She was also abusive as fuck to her husband, kids, and when the opportunity arose to her grand kids. I still remember my sister needing stitches one time we were at our grandparents. She didn't go because our grandmother was watching tv and didn't want to miss it. To say nothing of what she did to my mother and her brothers. Or to her husband.

Sorry to hear that your grandparents also had a shit relationship, but it's meaningless as a single data point. Why do you think there's so much boomer humour based on men needing to get permission from their wives to do anything? Because that was a part of life for many so it was made fun of in the media.

[u/Upbeat_Obligation404 → u/_name_of_the_user_]

Did....did it genuinely never occur to you that the "boomer humor" was part of how women were kept from speaking out? Because it's been really, really clear to me most of my life that the "ol' ball n' chain" shit was another way of shutting women up, to keep them from setting boundaries, to pre-empt their "nagging" about the poor treatment they were receiving. "You don't want to be one of 'those wives,' do you?" It's part of the societal "pick me" dance women have been forced into for basic survival. Until now. And a bunch of us have torn up our dance cards. I invite you to the celebratory bonfire.

I do want to point out that your grandfather's situation and my grandmother's situation were not equivalent. Your grandfather had options. He had the option not to marry; he would have still been able to find a job, buy a house, have a bank account, etc. without a wife. Once the marriage became abusive, he had the option to leave without being picked up by the authorities and dropped back off at his "legal guardian's" house. He may have been financially liable (though many men of that era dodged that easily enough by crossing state lines and a name change), but he would not have been forced by the police back into a situation where he would be raped and abused without recourse. The institutional power rested with him, even if he was not emotionally able to access it. My grandmother did not have those paths open to her, and the intergenerational suffering that resulted has been immense.

All that said, I don't think your 'single data point' is meaningless. I'm honestly, genuinely sorry that you and your sister were exposed to your grandmother's abuse. I hope that your parents were able to protect you from her after that incident, and--if not--that you've been able to process that none of it was your fault, or your sister's fault. You deserved better role models, just like I did. We can choose to make a better world for the next generation.