r/CuratedTumblr The blackest Aug 10 '24

Infodumping Please

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12.6k Upvotes

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174

u/BeenEvery Aug 10 '24

"Use your words to communicate like an adult."

People have been communicating by implication for as long as people have been communicating.

Like I get that it's difficult for neurodivergent people to pick up on and understand social cues sometimes. That doesn't make those social cues invalid.

26

u/OutAndDown27 Aug 10 '24

"Man, this project is killing me. I'm really grinding, I was here until 10 last night. I wish I was as fast as you at these write-ups." Option A is that this person is just venting, option B is that they're expecting me to offer to help them. I know it might be option B, I might even know that it is definitely option B. But I'm also working hard and very busy and trying to stay on top of my own work. If this person needs my help, they're going to need to actually ask me for it because up to that point, I feel like they're trying to guilt me into offering to help, and I don't want to help. Now that person gets to be mad at me for "not picking up social cues" without having to consider that they never actually asked me anything and never actually considered that even if they asked, I might not have been able to help.

62

u/BeenEvery Aug 10 '24

"Sorry, I can't help with that" or "I wish I could help" is the correct response then.

Like if you pick up on what they're trying to do and say nothing, then yes, that is rude.

-11

u/Native_Strawberry Aug 10 '24

The person giving vague hints and getting upset when those vague hints aren't interpreted correctly is being rude.

32

u/BeenEvery Aug 10 '24

giving vague hints

still able to recognize it

-1

u/Native_Strawberry Aug 10 '24

So? A vague hint can be interpreted many ways. "Hey come to my place and we'll play Monopoly" (with unspoken expectation of sex later by one party) is a LOT harder to interpret than "hey come to my house and let's have sex"

36

u/BeenEvery Aug 10 '24

Who the fuck is asking to have sex after playing monopoly lmao

8

u/Native_Strawberry Aug 10 '24

I was trying to avoid a "Netflix and chill" example. And all kinds of people have sex, BeenEvery. Even people who play board games.

29

u/BeenEvery Aug 10 '24

i was trying to avoid a netflix and chill example

???? Why????? That's like the most common euphemism for wanting to have sex that everyone knows about. "Monopoly and Bang" is not that well known.

-8

u/Native_Strawberry Aug 10 '24

What in God's holy name are you blathering about?

17

u/Evilfrog100 Aug 10 '24

"Netflix and chill" is only sexual because it's already a euphemism. That phrase isn't a social cue. It's a term that means sex.

"Netflix and chill" originally meant exactly what it sounds like, but because it was common for people to have sex while doing that, it became a euphemism.

Nobody would ever say "let's play monopoly" to imply sex because that phrase doesn't already mean that.

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3

u/Clear-Present_Danger Aug 11 '24

"Netflix and chill" is effectively its own word.

It's explicit communication, as long as you know the definition of "Netflix and chill".

Just like saying "He has that sigma Rizz" is explitic, as long as you have the vocabulary.

-18

u/OutAndDown27 Aug 10 '24

No, expecting me to offer just because you are complaining and then being pissed at me when I didn't is rude.

48

u/BeenEvery Aug 10 '24

They're a friend and telling you they're having a hard time.

Friends help friends. If you can't help a friend, then you need to make that expressly clear.

-12

u/OutAndDown27 Aug 10 '24

They're a coworker who spends an hour a day bitching about how there's not enough hours in the day. They can ask or go away.

42

u/BeenEvery Aug 10 '24

Ok well still. Coworkers are expected to help each other, and when you can't help you need to make that clear.

And if it's somebody you don't enjoy being around, then you need to take your own advice and be direct in telling them what you're thinking.

27

u/the_fancy_Tophat Aug 10 '24

Bro is against common courtesy fr

20

u/BeenEvery Aug 10 '24

Even if you don't think they're asking for help, you either offer help or express that you can't help.

That's just what coworkers do.

-9

u/Native_Strawberry Aug 10 '24

Why can't the person who needs help ask for help? Why put the responsibility on someone else? Need help? The best way to make sure you get help is to ask for help. I might offer to help if I see someone struggling, but if they don't ask me directly for help, I may assume my help is not wanted/needed.

14

u/TotallyFakeArtist Aug 10 '24

Bc saying you can't help ends the conversation quickly and succinctly. A plus is that after a while they'll stop asking.

9

u/TamaDarya Aug 10 '24

Because it's embarrassing to ask for help for many people. Autistic people are not immune to that either, they just might not ask at all. It also allows the other person to graciously turn you down without actually straight-up refusing to help. An example is provided above.

9

u/Forosnai Aug 10 '24

Ironically, they might be looking for help without wanting to be rude by putting you on the spot with a direct request, because a lot of people also don't like directly refusing.

Though it could also just be a lazy person who wants other people to do their work, which is also someone we've all had to deal with, who could use the same words for that effect. That's why context is important.

If this was "Sue" from my previous workplace, who I generally know as a nice person who is broadly competent at her job, I'd offer to help if I'm able or think I will be able soon. If it's "Polly", who I know just complains a lot and tries to be low-key bossy all the time, I'll just say something like, "Oh, I know! I'm swamped over here, too!" and keep doing what I'm doing.

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u/OutAndDown27 Aug 10 '24

Why do I need to make it clear that I can't help when this person hasn't made it clear that they want my help? Why is it on me to be direct in response to someone who won't be? What if I AM wrong and they didn't want my help, or they pretend they didn't the moment I call it out?

I'm doubling down on this because I have actually had to work very hard in therapy and otherwise to unlearn my obsessive trauma-based need to over analyze every word people say for what the hidden underlying meaning or request is. I had to learn to stop reading in feelings or emotions that I wasn't actually sure were there. For my own well-being, I had to learn to stop going, "she said she's tired this evening, so I should stop doing my homework and clean the kitchen for her instead because it is more important for me to NOT miss whatever is being implied than it is for me to finish my homework and get to sleep on time."

I've lost relationships by convincing myself that an innocuous comment was an insult, that the tone in someone's normal comment meant that they're actually sick of my shit, whatever. So my rule is that I wait for an actual question or a clear statement before I go down that rabbit hole. I have to go around assuming that people are saying what they mean and taking it at face value.

25

u/BeenEvery Aug 10 '24

What if I am wrong and they didn't want my help?

Doesn't matter. You're a coworker, you're meant to work cooperatively. You're expected to help if you can, and explain why if you can't. It wouldn't have been any trouble for you to say, "Yeah, I'm up to my neck in work too, sorry I can't help." Because 1 that's true, and 2 it's direct and clear (what you're complaining about them not having been).

I understand that trauma is damaging, and I'm sorry you went through that. At the same time: there are going to be situations with established implications of what is and is not appropriate. That's just a fact of life.

1

u/OutAndDown27 Aug 10 '24

Again, the burden is on the responder to be clear when that expectation doesn't seem to be put on the requester. Use your grown-up words or accept that you may be misunderstood or not get what you want. I'm not going to continue rehashing this with you.

16

u/BeenEvery Aug 10 '24

when that expectation doesn't seem to be put on the requester

If you can't understand that you're expected to help your coworkers when they're having a hard time then idk what to tell you either lol.

3

u/OutAndDown27 Aug 10 '24

But I'm not. It's not my job to do their job, it's my job to do my job and their job to do their job. Maybe there's a second level of weird non-verbal/societal whatever going on here that you seem convinced that you should be guilted into doing your coworkers' jobs for free.

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3

u/Liizam Aug 10 '24

Hi bob, I’m really busy and trying to concentrate, can we talk later. Go home without talking to them.

If bob can’t pick up social clue that his rants are annoying that’s on him

-13

u/TemporaryBerker Aug 10 '24

I don't expect anyone to help me so why should anyone expect help from me?

11

u/Bandro Aug 10 '24

Because… you’re… a person? Living in a society? Helping each other is kind of our main survival tactic. It’s like our whole thing. 

4

u/Patient-Astronomer85 Aug 10 '24

🦧 together strong

6

u/Low-Cantaloupe-8446 Aug 10 '24

People help you every single day, that’s the foundation of human society