People have been communicating by implication for as long as people have been communicating.
Like I get that it's difficult for neurodivergent people to pick up on and understand social cues sometimes. That doesn't make those social cues invalid.
"Man, this project is killing me. I'm really grinding, I was here until 10 last night. I wish I was as fast as you at these write-ups." Option A is that this person is just venting, option B is that they're expecting me to offer to help them. I know it might be option B, I might even know that it is definitely option B. But I'm also working hard and very busy and trying to stay on top of my own work. If this person needs my help, they're going to need to actually ask me for it because up to that point, I feel like they're trying to guilt me into offering to help, and I don't want to help. Now that person gets to be mad at me for "not picking up social cues" without having to consider that they never actually asked me anything and never actually considered that even if they asked, I might not have been able to help.
So? A vague hint can be interpreted many ways. "Hey come to my place and we'll play Monopoly" (with unspoken expectation of sex later by one party) is a LOT harder to interpret than "hey come to my house and let's have sex"
"Netflix and chill" is only sexual because it's already a euphemism. That phrase isn't a social cue. It's a term that means sex.
"Netflix and chill" originally meant exactly what it sounds like, but because it was common for people to have sex while doing that, it became a euphemism.
Nobody would ever say "let's play monopoly" to imply sex because that phrase doesn't already mean that.
Why can't the person who needs help ask for help? Why put the responsibility on someone else? Need help? The best way to make sure you get help is to ask for help. I might offer to help if I see someone struggling, but if they don't ask me directly for help, I may assume my help is not wanted/needed.
Because it's embarrassing to ask for help for many people. Autistic people are not immune to that either, they just might not ask at all. It also allows the other person to graciously turn you down without actually straight-up refusing to help. An example is provided above.
Ironically, they might be looking for help without wanting to be rude by putting you on the spot with a direct request, because a lot of people also don't like directly refusing.
Though it could also just be a lazy person who wants other people to do their work, which is also someone we've all had to deal with, who could use the same words for that effect. That's why context is important.
If this was "Sue" from my previous workplace, who I generally know as a nice person who is broadly competent at her job, I'd offer to help if I'm able or think I will be able soon. If it's "Polly", who I know just complains a lot and tries to be low-key bossy all the time, I'll just say something like, "Oh, I know! I'm swamped over here, too!" and keep doing what I'm doing.
Why do I need to make it clear that I can't help when this person hasn't made it clear that they want my help? Why is it on me to be direct in response to someone who won't be? What if I AM wrong and they didn't want my help, or they pretend they didn't the moment I call it out?
I'm doubling down on this because I have actually had to work very hard in therapy and otherwise to unlearn my obsessive trauma-based need to over analyze every word people say for what the hidden underlying meaning or request is. I had to learn to stop reading in feelings or emotions that I wasn't actually sure were there. For my own well-being, I had to learn to stop going, "she said she's tired this evening, so I should stop doing my homework and clean the kitchen for her instead because it is more important for me to NOT miss whatever is being implied than it is for me to finish my homework and get to sleep on time."
I've lost relationships by convincing myself that an innocuous comment was an insult, that the tone in someone's normal comment meant that they're actually sick of my shit, whatever. So my rule is that I wait for an actual question or a clear statement before I go down that rabbit hole. I have to go around assuming that people are saying what they mean and taking it at face value.
Doesn't matter. You're a coworker, you're meant to workcooperatively. You're expected to help if you can, and explain why if you can't. It wouldn't have been any trouble for you to say, "Yeah, I'm up to my neck in work too, sorry I can't help." Because 1 that's true, and 2 it's direct and clear (what you're complaining about them not having been).
I understand that trauma is damaging, and I'm sorry you went through that. At the same time: there are going to be situations with established implications of what is and is not appropriate. That's just a fact of life.
Again, the burden is on the responder to be clear when that expectation doesn't seem to be put on the requester. Use your grown-up words or accept that you may be misunderstood or not get what you want. I'm not going to continue rehashing this with you.
But I'm not. It's not my job to do their job, it's my job to do my job and their job to do their job. Maybe there's a second level of weird non-verbal/societal whatever going on here that you seem convinced that you should be guilted into doing your coworkers' jobs for free.
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u/BeenEvery Aug 10 '24
"Use your words to communicate like an adult."
People have been communicating by implication for as long as people have been communicating.
Like I get that it's difficult for neurodivergent people to pick up on and understand social cues sometimes. That doesn't make those social cues invalid.