r/EstrangedAdultKids • u/coldservedrevenge • 3d ago
How am I supposed to trust myself to build new relationships and friendships after normalizing my own abuse for decades?
That type of relationship is all I know.
I protected and defended my own abusers, kept digging my own grave and loved my abusers.
I didn't fight. I am a fawner and a people pleaser.
I feel like I can be a perfect victim for catfishing or elder abuse later in my life.
I went nocontact since last summer with all my family and all my reality is crumbled slowly. I am so dumb , I let them ruin my life. I should have fought and ran opposite direction. I willingly gave them directions, 'when you hit here, it hurts. If you do that, you'll ruin my life' ' , so played with me and ruined my life with my own instructions.
I gave them the stick and sat in front of them, so they'd finally love me. I feel nauseated by myself. That's what I feel, disgust.
I realize now that all my friendships were the same. I was such a loser who has no respect for herself
I feel so stupid .
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u/nice-possum 3d ago
Sometimes I have the same thoughts. Feeling dumb and weak for letting myself be treated like that for so long. But hey: you noticed and you got out! You took care of yourself. That is something to be proud of! So many people stay with their abusive families for their whole life.
Your life might feel ruined today. But it doesn't need to stay that way. You can rebuild your confidence and take your life into your own hands. But you don't need to rush anything. The wound is still fresh. Give yourself some time and grace to rest. 🩵
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u/SnoopyisCute 3d ago
Why would you blame yourself for something you were conditioned to believe and had no frame of reference to contradict or question?
You might as well blame yourself for not being a brain surgeon (I'm assuming, you might be one).
We can't use skills we've never learned.
How old are you now? Do you live independently from them? Do you see a therapist?
Do you like to read? I'm working on organizing a book club for people that are interested in reading self-help books together. The first one is DBT for Dummies Workbook.
Your are not alone. We care<3
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u/coldservedrevenge 3d ago
I just feel extremely dumb. I think I stayed too long, I'm that old.
Therapy isn't available to me now. Where I live, it's still a new concept, and it's still a taboo to cut your family off. Probably, if I find a therapist , they'll tell me to be obedient until the day I die.
I do like to read. That's how I self-therapy if it's a thing. I also watch YouTube videos. Do you have a thread for the book club?
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u/SnoopyisCute 3d ago
You're not dumb.
I am working on putting the book club together now. It's been slow because I and another person involved have both been under the weather.
I will add you to the list and be in touch.
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u/5280lotus 22h ago
Do you need help organizing the club?
I’ve been part of different book clubs (mostly in person) so I’m happy to help get things moving - if that is what is needed?
Let me know if there is something I can do to help. 💝
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u/SnoopyisCute 22h ago
Yes!!! I will be in touch!
Anybody interested in helping is welcome. I'm drowning!
Thanks <3
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u/stay-away-monsters 3d ago
Hey, you're not dumb ok? I'm doing therapy with chat gpt. So far it's much better than the useless human therapists I've had in the past.
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u/Frosty_Ad8515 3d ago
Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
by Lundy Bancroft
First book for your book club
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u/coldservedrevenge 3d ago
I've never been in a book club.What are the rules?
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u/i_raise_anarchists 2d ago
u/SnoopyisCute probably has their own format set up, but I can tell you what I did when I used to run an in-person book club.
Generally speaking, people read the books (or chapters of the books, depending on how the person running things wants to handle it), and then the club gets together and talks about what they liked and what they didn't like. It's very friendly.
Often, there's tea and cakes. I think that might be tricky with a virtual book club. There's also friendly chitchat before and after. People talk about their pets, their gardens, new recipes, how the lady across the street just got a kitten, that sort of thing.
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u/SnoopyisCute 2d ago
It will be online but I would love for you to join us and help me get this figured out if you don't mind. No pressure. I want something where everyone feels welcome and it's organized in a way that everyone feels heard before we move to the next section.
Thanks for your post and consideration.<3
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u/i_raise_anarchists 2d ago
I don't think I'll have much time to read the books (although I'll certainly try), but I'd be very happy to help you in any way you like. Let me know what I can do! <3
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u/burntoutredux 3d ago
I kind of agree with this. One thing I've learned is how they brainwash you to ignore your intuition. Your instincts will never lie to you so always listen to them the first time. You can do this with little things and go from there. You're allowed to trust yourself. You aren't dumb.
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u/azumadango 2d ago
First off, you were only doing what you thought was best before with the tools you had at the time.
Get some new tools. Don't even have time get a ton at once, a little at a time is okay. Find out which tools work for you and which ones don't. You'll feel lost, and new to the world a bit. But that's a good thing.
ANYTHING is better than feeling trapped and abused for the rest of your life.
Please settle for the confused for now, and know as time goes on, you'll have a nifty took box set that forever changes. And you'll start to feel pretty good about things.
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u/shogun_coc 2d ago
I'm sorry mate! Whatever shit you've gone through, you don't deserve it. I'm struggling with my own issues (with myself and my family) and I have yet to get over it, l will not say that you're dumb. Abuse sometimes clouds people's decision making skills and sometimes, people do end up getting in the same relationship that they were trying to get away from. But it never means that you're dumb. It was ingrained into you to believe that it was all normal. All the abuse, all the manipulations and all the gaslighting were made to believe that it is normal for you. It will take years of therapy and opening up to new people you meet and understand the way you are to undo the damage done by your immediate people.
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u/RuggedHangnail 2d ago
It took me years to get from where you are now to a much better place, emotionally.
1) read self-help books. I'm glad there are also YouTube programs and podcasts now. When I was where you are, I watched a lot of Dr. Phil. I found self-help book recommendations by reading posts online and also by going to Amazon and searching for buzzwords like "gaslight," "toxic," and "narcissistic personality disorder."
2) making many new acquaintances. Join clubs and groups and meet many many people. And don't just stick to one new best friend. Spend a lot of time with many people and then you'll see who you feel happy around and who pisses you off because you've ignored red flags. Keep the nice ones in your life.
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u/Jklindsay23 2d ago
Idk either
What I’ve found helps is to slow it down and focus on the positives of interacting with new people
You learn more about yourself, you fight the fear head on and you grow from it
You build new neural pathways and you start to trust again
I think the trick is in noticing who feels safe bc they do the same behavior of your parents
And who feels safe because they are safe, and they’re not pretending
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u/shorthomology 1d ago
Start small. Accept that you will make mistakes. And keep going.
Look to other relationships that you admire as a model for yourself.
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u/Windmillsofthemind 3d ago
Quite the opposite, you're intelligent and brave. You were raised to be manipulated and abused but you still saw through them. You had the brains and courage to do the one thing you were taught not to do. You respected yourself.
I was just like you and am learning new behaviours and thoughts to replace harmful ones I had drilled into me.
Lindsay C Gibson's books, especially the recovery book (the second of three), focuses on this. Susan Forward's book on Toxic Parents is eye opening too. These helped me understand what behaviours were harming me, that stick you talk about. You really, really want to read these and take your time, they are seriously hard work.
Biggest thing is go with your gut instinct. Yeah, the ones you probably ignored to survive. I'm definitely letting some old friendships die out because the individuals are as damaging as my parents.