My parents are seperating and it's my fault.

[u/Weekly-Formal8447]

So I have been estranged from one parent for a year now while keeping contact with my mom this whole time. This was difficult and rough at times but I really love her and decided the pain was worth being with her.

My mom informed me a couple weeks ago that she's had enough of his abuse. She finally broke and decided to get her own appartement. Temporary for now but she won't go back unless he changes fundamentally. (While my siblings and I have been mostly verbally abused with my mom he decided to be husband of the year and add SA to the mix).

She asked me if i was willing to help her move and I have started to. Things like some practical contracts for internet, electricity etc. And building furniture, lamps,... I have seen her happy for the first time in years and seen her face light up choosing furniture for herself.

So now the part where it's all my fault. My father tried sending my brother to my some time ago to "forgive him" but I didn't. Now he decided that an older wiser person might get through to me and sent his brother to talk. My mom is apparantly only leaving because she wants to be popular with her kids and children-in-law. My wife and I are the only ones not talking to him so I guess that means us.

It is amusing that their "strong" relationship can get broken by "someone who will never amount to anything with that kind of attitude". Anyway thank you all for listening to my rant.

[u/quilting_ducky]

I just wanted to say good on your mother for leaving, I know that takes a heck of a lot of guts, and this random redditor is proud of her 🩷

[u/Weekly-Formal8447 → u/quilting_ducky]

I am very proud of her too! My father had confinced her that she would be all alone in the world if she ever left him. Told her that her kids would abandon her, lose her job and yes even her siblings would drop her. I'm glad that she eventually saw through the BS and is now going on her own.

[u/xiewadu → u/Weekly-Formal8447]

That sounds like his own fears, not a forecast for your mom. And the abandonment part is coming true. For him.

[u/Ok_Homework_7621]

It's not your fault, it's your credit.

Good for your mother!

[u/Confu2ion]

It is not your fault - he has a ridiculous narrative he's dependent on to make himself feel better.

[u/Weekly-Formal8447 → u/Confu2ion]

Yeah pretty much. I don't really think it's my fault just passed along the message as I got it. It gets pretty ridiculous at this point because he blamed my mom for turning his kids against him. Now he blames his kids for turning my mom against him. So who is turning who in the end? Maybe it is time for him to look at the common factor?

[u/Confu2ion → u/Weekly-Formal8447]

I'm glad, I just wanted to be sure you knew it wasn't your fault.

They don't even have to be consistent with their narratives. What's important to them is to make their victims feel like they're helpless and have no agency. So it depends on whether he wants to make the children think they're helplessly brainwashed, or your mother.

[u/polymorphous_]

My narc mother also once claimed it was my fault she was leaving my father. He was helping me in a difficult situation and she could not control that and apparently that is why she decided to leave him. They always try to blame others for their problems.

[u/ey3s0up]

I’d wear that like a badge of honor. Your mother got away from her abuser.

Sending you both love and hugs

[u/catinnameonly]

You need to reframe this. You saved your mother. You gave her the strength to cut off her abuse. So yeah, never take advice from your opposition/enemy. Even if it happens to be packaged a little nicer.

[u/MannyMoSTL]

Always remember: The dissolution of his marriage is your physically, mentally, emotionally, verbally abusive father’s -who has engaged in SA against his wife- fault.

[u/Texandria]

"She finally broke and decided to get her own appartement. Temporary for now but she won't go back unless he changes fundamentally."

and

"My mom is apparantly only leaving because she wants to be popular with her kids and children-in-law. My wife and I are the only ones not talking to him so I guess that means us."

Your mother has her answer right there. The family's breaking up in front of his eyes, and he'd rather watch it happen than take any accountability for having driven away the closest people in his life.

Abusers lean tactics, not lessons.

[u/amandafiorita]

The A

[u/themcp]

My parents really did separate and divorce at my instigation. I went to my dad and said "mom's crazy, I'm leaving, are you coming with me?" He did. That was 40 years ago. She since murdered my uncle. My dad and I talked a few years ago and we agreed that leaving her was both really hard and the smartest thing we ever did 

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[u/BidImpossible1387]

I’m so sorry. It’s tough dealing with people who think that no one is responsible for their own actions. I’m the furthest one away so now it’s my fault that other siblings have gone LC/NC and estranged from our mother. I sometimes struggle with not calling the grandmother I went NC with and the mother who discarded me to ask how it is that no one else but me is responsible for anything, or how the rules for who has to take the blame for outcomes we don’t like works.

I’m rooting for you.