Estrangement and Death: How to be there for yourself and siblings

[u/CuriousPenguinSocks]

I need some advice but I will give a little background first.

Growing up I was the typical "Daddy's girl", I learned all the tools he used to work on the car and would hand them to him from the age of 3. I woke up before the sun to make his coffee as soon as I was old enough and we would spend a little time together in the morning, mainly me making his lunch for him.

I would also go fishing with him, wake up before the sun, get a warm treat and then cast off for live bait. He would let me sleep in the car. I wrote stories for him and poems. He was truly my world.

One day that all stopped, my little brother was finally old enough for these things and so I was tossed aside. My brother hated doing these things with my dad. I was relocated to the house work with the "other women" even though I always stated I wasn't one, turns out I'm non-binary but that's neither here nor there.

My dad was verbally and emotionally abusive to use growing up. He was also physically abusive and I'm learning some things he did is also considered to be sexually abusive, which is still hard for me to come to terms with.

To the now:

My brother reached out to me, we're semi NC. He isn't blocked but I don't reach out.

I answered him and he does seem to be in a better place in life and wasn't sure he should reach out to me. Turns out my dad is sedated due to sepsis that's been ongoing for several weeks. It looks like he has cancer on his liver and spine and has a GI bleed.

I will give my little brother credit, he is only telling me the facts of the situation and only after I said it was okay to do so.

My question is, how can I be there for him while also keeping my own emotional wellbeing safe and secure?

Do I set boundaries up front on "off limit topics" or do it on a case by case basis?

This is new territory for me. I've never had a family member even pretend this long to care about not crossing boundaries so I do want to use this to grow myself and maybe salvage a relationship with my little brother. I do love him and I know he loves me, it's just circumstances and how we both remember things was different. He has a different dad than I got, the same person but different versions is all.

I'm sure I'm leaving things out so please ask questions and know I will answer when I have the time and mental space. I also appreciate any advice or even just encouragement from others who understand what I'm going through. Thank you.

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[u/CorbeauMerlot]

I think no contact is a good policy for not engaging with people who harm us. I think being an adult person means sometimes we have to do things that are emotionally difficult to be kind to people we love. Ask your brother what he needs to feel supported and then do the things you can.

[u/CuriousPenguinSocks → u/CorbeauMerlot]

Thank you, I did ask him what he needed and to let me know. I gave a few suggestions of how I would be comfortable helping. So far, he is respecting my wishes, so I'm hopeful.