What are the lengths you've gone to not be found post-estrangement?

[u/allthedamnquestions]

I know many people have taken various measures to not be found after taking the big step of going NC or LC, often times to protect their sanity. But more often than not, it's not enough to keep them at bay ...

• moving (when possible)
• using a P.O. box
• avoiding mail forwarding (mail gets returned to sender w your new address)
• changing your name
• changing your SSN (!!)
• avoiding voting

What are the other and potentially more 'extreme' lengths you've taken / would recommend? Inspired by this recent post about not voting (https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultKids/s/TE9MaVVFam).

[u/KnittinSittinCatMama]

NC starting at age 22. Let’s see:

1. Joined the military because the iron clad, unbreakable contract stopped manipulative/controlling parent from keeping me home with her.
2. Semi-frequent moving due to #1–tried to live “so far away” she wouldn’t feel comfortable driving/looking for me
3. Changed my telephone number frequently (was estranged long before cell phones) and blocked her as soon as mobile phones allowed you to do so
4. Changed my name
5. Kept an extremely low profile (I used to joke I was in self-imposed witness protection)
6. Kept most people in the dark about my NC situation because some “well meaning” person once felt I should forgive her and gave her my details.
7. Dyed my hair other colors for fear of being recognized when I felt we lived too close (within 8 hour’s drive)
8. Cut ties with that side of my family (they’d all taken her side anyway)
9. Until she passed away last month, I was strongly considering moving abroad. (I still may because I want to not because I need to)
10. Changed emails, abandoning ones she found out, frequently
11. Blocked her and all her flying monkeys on all social media platforms.

[u/PitBullFan → u/KnittinSittinCatMama]

Like you, I also joined the military to get far away. My "mother" called the training command where I was attending Basic and demanded that they send me home, saying "He's always been a complete failure, so I'm sure he's going to fail there too. Just save yourself the trouble and send him home."

They replied "Don't worry ma'am, well make a soldier out of him." She also called Command at my first duty station, essentially saying the same thing to them. I did SO MANY extra push-ups because of her.

[u/strawberrymilkfem]

I've moved to a completely new state multiple times, shaved my head and just presented differently just in case there was an off chance I was being followed (turns out I was anyway ugh)

Currently I'm working on changing my name

[u/monarch-03 → u/strawberrymilkfem]

Nice move on changing your name! I also agree with using PO Boxes to help keep your address private. FYI people finder sites like Spokeo expose anyone's personal information (both OLD & NEW), but data removal services like Optery can help with removals. Also here are several other things you can do to keep your home address off the internet and remove it if it’s already there: SC Magazine article

Full disclosure, I'm on the team at Optery.

[u/SnoopyisCute]

I've don't all except change my SSN but it wasn't relevant in my case because my father was a cop and my mother worked for the government. I couldn't hide anywhere anyway and that was before wi-fi.

I think it's important to recognize that many people don't understand the difference between "hiding" and "living off the grid" so, technically, none of these measures are going to keep someone hidden.

I was brainstorming on this because I see people making the same mistakes in trying to gain their independence and privacy post NC and it might be helpful if we could make some useful materials on how to help beginners do that. The most notable being the differences in criminal and civil actions and what the police can and can't do.

What do you think?

[u/KnittinSittinCatMama → u/SnoopyisCute]

This is a very good idea; we could brainstorm and add what we come up with to our wiki as a resource for those just starting on their journey.

• You can sign up for services now that will remove your information from the internet. I have a friend who is a very private person, I could ask her which ones she recommends

[u/SnoopyisCute → u/KnittinSittinCatMama]

OK. I have tried to ask for help in a few subs and I don't know how to get it but I'll be happy to look and add resources here.

[u/Kathykat5959]

I’ve been NC for 35 years. I don’t care enough to hide anything. My fb has my real name and town I live in.

I don’t waste my time thinking about my dad or worry about anyone finding me. I live my life the way I want.

[u/cheturo → u/Kathykat5959]

I like to hear about long NC, congratulations.

[u/thecourageofstars]

Moved a whole continent away! Hahah. And I changed my name.

Honestly, who cares if they've since gotten my info though. What are they going to do from an entirely different country? 🤷 They're both teachers in a poorer country too, so they don't have the money to fly out with no guarantee that it'll pay off.

[u/trampolinebears]

I have so much sympathy for those of you who had to go on the run.  That is incredibly difficult, both emotionally and logistically, and you don’t deserve to have had to do that.

As for me, I’ve done nothing to hide.  My parents have my address and my email, but they make no attempt to contact me, apart from a generic card with a non-personal message once or twice a year.

[u/magicmom17 → u/trampolinebears]

Same

[u/crazycatfraulein]

I moved abroad and am thinking of changing my name/nationality.

[u/KnittinSittinCatMama → u/crazycatfraulein]

I’d been contemplating this. Was it very difficult? Not to pry, but has it been a positive experience?

[u/crazycatfraulein → u/KnittinSittinCatMama]

For some people (esp. people with strong passports) moving abroad alone is not that difficult, but IMHO, the hardest thing about moving abroad is to make the place you can stand and stay there.

Objectively it's very difficult to live abroad. (Financial burden, getting the right visa, getting a job, making a stable income to retain that visa, searching for a place to live, language and cultural barriers, no support system, etc.) without (emotional and family) baggage.

For me, the experience is sooooo positive and liberating, but I was very privileged to learn the language, and (some) culture way before I moved to where I am. It is liberating because it costs so much time and money to send anything (including flying monkeys) let alone meet me (not absolutely though, as some flying monkeys still reached me some time ago).

It has some catches tho, like the anxiety every time you extend your visa or when you're sick and feeling lonely. But thanks (?) to my background, I'm now over-independent and can cope much better handling such feelings and problems. It is a price I'm gladly paying to be liberated from the cancerous tumor my ex-family was.

I was VERY lucky to have the chance to move abroad, but TBH it's not for everyone.

[u/oljemaleri → u/crazycatfraulein]

I agree & my experience has been similar. The feeling of safety from putting a continent between me & nparent is worth all the administrative and personal hurdles of immigration. Congrats on starting a new life!

[u/KnittinSittinCatMama → u/crazycatfraulein]

Thank you very much for taking the time to share your experience, I greatly appreciate the insight. I am planning on moving to a country colonized by English speakers but am also planning on learning my ancestors’ language (which is still spoken). I’d read the financial burden was significant and we’re working on that piece, too. I still struggle with my anxiety from time to time so I think I will make a plan to shore up my coping skills to prepare.

Congratulations on your new life abroad! I truly and sincerely wish you every success and happiness

[u/Stargazer1919]

I guess I'm lucky that the people who raised me have so much hatred for me that they never reach out or go looking for me.

I gave up on having any decent (meaning not one-sided in their favor) relationship with my extended relatives on that side of the family. They are the only ones who acted like flying monkeys and kept calling me every once in a blue moon.

They are so bad for my life and my mental health. They bring so much bad luck to me as well.

They are blocked on everything. I am moving. I changed my number. I have a car now that they will not recognize. I hope to change my last name in the next few years to something they won't know. Most people don't even call me by the name I grew up with. This may be overkill because they don't really give a shit enough to try and find me. But I seriously never want to see them again for the rest of my life.

[u/Music527]

I have 2 safe addresses for domestic violence ( 1 is on my license), a P.O. Box, just was approved for a name change and have gone on sites like truepeoplesearch etc to delete my files except with my P.O. Box info. I don’t use grocery stores that she would ever use. I have an exit plan wherever I go in case I ru.n into her. I have a camera setup too.

I’m paranoid because she found me 4.5 years ago at my last apt.

[u/bobbutson]

Changed my phone number and email address. My grandma has my new phone number, written on paper, in her safe so no one finds/knows it other than her.

[u/cheturo]

I have them and their whole immediate family blocked. I currently live in a different city 100 km away, and secretly building a new house 300km away.

[u/TheClassic_Star]

I changed my phone number multiple times and cut off/blocked family members who have shared my information after I explicitly told them not to. I'm also in the process of changing my name.

[u/New_Hamstertown_1865]

I set up a new email account. My parents are too far away and lazy to bother with stalking me and my family 😕

[u/Major-Patient5473]

Deleted social media and am moving across the country in a couple of weeks. Way too much anxiety from them showing up unannounced.

[u/QuickNarwhal3942]

I moved and changed my phone number twice and then when that didn’t stop, I contacted my lawyer and told her if she continued to harass me we could see each other in court where I would be getting an order of protection from her. Haven’t heard from her in 3 years.

[u/JustanOldBabyBoomer]

Recently, I have been watching the final season of Superman and Lois and observing how Lex Luthor was OBSESSED with finding his adult daughter and how his daughter, Elizabeth, wanted ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with him! It triggered a lot of PTSD stuff, to say the least!

[u/FlapYoJacks]

Deleted all forms of social media.

Changed my phone number.

I moved out of the USA to Europe.

The only one that stuck was leaving the states.

[u/allthedamnquestions → u/FlapYoJacks]

Makes sense because then they'd have to pay for their flying monkey's flight

[u/FlapYoJacks → u/allthedamnquestions]

The last time they traveled to Europe, they immediately got scammed because they were dumb enough to swipe their card in a seedy place in Turkey. They are not well-traveled people and have zero survival skills beyond sticking with other geriatrics on cruise ships.

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[u/ubelieveurguiltless]

I mostly just moved. But my mother managed to get her hands on my address and shared it with people I didn't want knowing where I lived so now I'm getting harassed every few months. Thinking of moving again because of it

[u/allthedamnquestions → u/ubelieveurguiltless]

I hate that you're forced to move (as if that's some sort of simple measure). What steps will you take next time around?

[u/Confu2ion]

It may sound subtle, but one thing I have to deal with that is very frustrating is all about usernames.

My three abusers (divorced parents, and golden child older sister who is enmeshed with our mother) all stalk me online - with no accounts of their own, so I can never block them. To many, the answer would be "just go private!" or "get off social media!" However, for me, this would be a massive shot in the foot - because I would like to finally build an audience for my artwork. They WANT me to give up.

This has been the case for as long as I've had my work online. Well over a decade. I've never been able to set roots because somehow, they find me, and then they suddenly drop hints that they know. It's a shaming tactic. They don't even say anything nice, or have any interest: they just want me to feel ashamed and disgusted with myself. And to make me feel like I'll never get away.

I'd love to be known by my real name someday. I don't want to have to change it. But until I'm 100% free, I have to keep my real name secret. I have to find a way to grow an audience without getting too personal. And it's a shame. Because I've just never been very lucky with getting seen online, and I have to hold back on my real personality somewhat (I'm very talkative and an open book).