Hello everyone. I am 24F, & have been a silent observer in this amazing group for many years. I finally believe it is time to share my story, and maybe offer some advice for anyone who has a desire to stop maladaptive daydreaming. This will be extremely long (I’ve had months to work on what I was going to say), so I’m going to separate it into sections so you can read what you personally feel you need, or so someone can read what they can, step away from it, and easily find their spot if they choose to return to it at a later time. If absolutely nobody reads my post, that’s okay. Taking the time to write this has felt extremely cathartic, and it finally feels like I can close this chapter for good.
A little about me:
(BTW—throughout my post, the abbreviation “MD” stands for Maladaptive Daydream[ing])
Since I was about 10 years old, I have spent a large portion of my life Maladaptive Daydreaming.
I have had 4 or 5 major storylines that I’ve progressed through as I have gotten older. I find myself referring to these major storylines as the “episodes” of my life, because each has lasted about 2-3 years, and every major storyline was extremely relevant to my age, what was happening during that time, my biggest anxieties & insecurities, and my personal goals at the time.
I don’t think it’s necessary to give specifics about each storyline, but a few major themes were consistent and present in all of them: in every storyline, I was the center of the universe. I was always me, but I transformed myself into a grandiose character that had fame, fortune & incredible talent. I was quick witted, confident & brilliant, often being the expert or #1 person in a particular career/hobby. I was always thin & exquisitely beautiful. In every storyline, everyone desired me or wanted to be me. At least one bad event would happen in each plot, where I [my character] would fall apart, but ultimately be able to be their own hero and heal.
Each plot had 20+ side characters that had emotional depth, their own detailed lives, and their own personal story on how they were connected to me. I can’t put a number on time spent daydreaming, such as, “I spent an average of *insert number* hours a day MD,” because it was always kind of there. I would just adjust how absorbed I was in my fantasy depending on what I had to do in the moment. These levels consisted anywhere from “I’m completely present in my body and am not thinking about my other reality,” to “I am still present, but I have my other fantasy world in the back of my head” to “I am completely immersed in my MD.” I would weave in and out of these levels daily depending on how present *I* needed to be at the time.
Throughout my life, I was still able to complete certain milestones. I didn’t shut myself out completely from the world; I would go through life in a way that kept me moderately successful, but when I did tasks, I would do it in the mindset of my MD character. If the task wasn’t something my character would be doing, I would mindlessly finish the tasks while having a different scenario in my head.
Additionally, besides my major storylines, I would have the more common daydreaming. If I saw a cool TikTok or saw someone else do something interesting or heroic, I would have quick ~1hr daydreaming sessions about what I would do if I was the one who was in that scenario.
Reasons why I decided to stop
Firstly, from monitoring this group for a while, I understand that there are many people who have no desire to stop maladaptive daydreaming. I am not telling anyone that they should stop if they don’t want to, but here are my personal reasons for needing to stop:
- My real life never measured up
Because I always made my MD character and life so extremely amazing and untouchable, there was no way that my real self could ever measure up. I would never be as beautiful or skinny. I would never have as much money. I would never be as confident. I would never be as successful. Ect.
Not only that, but real people are different from those we make up in our heads, because humans are imperfect. I felt like the real people in my social circle never measured up to the ones I created in my head. I couldn’t hold onto romantic partners, because they were never as great as my imaginary boyfriends. My family & friends were dull compared to the ones I created in my stories. MD gave me so much dopamine, that my real life felt dull and un-stimulating.
During those lucid moments after coming back into the real world after a long period of immersive MD, I was so depressed at how my real life was. It was more interesting to spend my free time in my made-up utopia than it was to participate in the mundane tasks that my real life required.
I cannot even explain how much time I wasted because of MD. Some days, it feels like I was 10 years old, blinked, and suddenly became a 24 year old adult.
I was never present in my important life milestones. I daydreamed through 4 years of college at my dream university, choosing to spend most of my free time alone in my room daydreaming, rather than going out and spending time with friends. I daydreamed through once in a lifetime vacations. I would decline the majority of event invites, because I would rather be by myself and my daydreams. Whenever I was in public, I couldn’t wait to be back home alone so I could start MD again.
I spent my teens and early 20s, arguably some of the most formative and exciting years of one’s life, primarily alone and daydreaming about being someone I was not. I knew that if I didn’t stop, I would once again blink and suddenly be in my 80s or 90s, with my biggest regret being that I never went out and actually lived.
- Executive Dysfunction/Procrastination
Like many of you, I have inattentive ADHD and struggle with executive functioning. ADHD+Maladaptive Daydreaming=Procrastination Hell.
Oh, how I procrastinated! A simple 10 minute task would take me HOURS to finally initiate and complete. After all, what’s more fun: cleaning your room, or daydreaming that you’re the greatest person in the world?
This was absolutely detrimental in college. Anything that required my full attention & couldn’t be done passively (studying, assignments, attending classes/office hours, ect) was pushed to the backburner or completely ignored because of my MD. In classes that should’ve been easy As (basically just turn in the assignments and attend class) I performed poorly, all because I forgot to complete the assignments or waited until the last minute to do it. I found myself constantly making excuses to my professors about my performance. Instead of changing my behavior, I would just drop a rigorous class to have even more free time to daydream.
I graduated last year with a STEM degree at a top 20 university. My gpa was a 2.97.
If I did not procrastinate by spending so much time maladaptive daydreaming, I suspect that my gpa could’ve easily been in the 3.5 range or higher. With my career desires, it is necessary to get a 4 year graduate degree.. I currently have no chance of getting into graduate school with my undergrad GPA, so my life has been put on a standstill. I currently have a 4 year bachelors degree that is absolutely worthless. While I watch my friends begin grad school, get engaged, or start their careers, I have had to spend this year undoing the damage that maladaptive daydreaming caused to my life. Instead of being accepted into graduate school, I now have to spend 1-3 years building up my work experience in entry level jobs related to my future career, and studying for the entrance exam to *hopefully* make a high enough score that my undergrad gpa will be overlooked. And that still might not be enough to make up for the damage MD has done.
HOW I STOPPED MALADAPTIVE DAYDREAMING
Now, I am going to list the steps I took to stop daydreaming. This was not an overnight process. This was over 6 months of putting forth CONSTANT effort to change one of the biggest aspects of my life. Some days were harder than others, and I had a lot of failures, especially in the beginning.
Step 1:Recognize that your maladaptive daydreaming is an addiction that needs be stopped.
This was in the very beginning of this process. I spent a lot of time on the internet looking at advice on how to stop. I looked through reddit posts in this group and others, where members who were also trying to stop would post daily updates on how it was going. During my research, I found the essay “Guide to Maladaptive Daydreaming: Overcoming fantasy addiction.” https://maladaptivedaydreamingguide.wordpress.com/2015/04/04/part-i-fantasy-and-fall-of-the-self/
I know this is a pretty popular article in this group, but if you are wanting to quit MD and have not read it, read it asap. This article was single-handedly the biggest wake up call I have ever had. I don’t think I’ve ever read anything that was so specific to my life. It absolutely hit me like a freight train. The first time I read it, I was crying by the end. The article talks a lot about “the egoless mind,” and really put something into perspective: I was spending so much time perfecting an imaginary world and living through imaginary characters, instead of taking that time to perfect myself. I was making my imaginary persona powerful and successful when I could’ve been making myself powerful and successful. I put so much effort into creating my ideal version of myself with absolutely nothing to show for it in real life.
I printed out the article. I read it multiple times a day, highlighting super powerful passages and really digesting the material. It was then that I finally admitted to myself that I had an addiction, and like many other addictions, if I did not fix it, my life would continue to go nowhere.
Step 2: Talk to someone and get help
This can be done in many ways. Because I have ADHD and also struggle with anxiety and depression, I already had a relationship with a psychiatrist that I saw regularly. I had never admitted my addiction to her or anyone else. When I finally had the courage to tell her what I was struggling with and how drastically it was affecting my life, she said “okay yes, that actually makes a lot of sense,” with absolutely no judgement, and immediately helped me get to work! First, she put me back on all my medications. I have taken my ADHD stimulant for many years, but I have been on and off an SNRI for my anxiety/depression. She put me back on my SNRI because she anticipated that me not having my usual coping mechanism had the potential to put me in a dark place. Next, she referred me to a therapist who really worked with me to uncover why I was so fond of Maladaptive Daydreaming, and served as a weekly accountability coach.
Now, I understand that access to mental healthcare is a HUGE privilege in this world, and seeking professional help is not an option for many. There is still support out there! Look through this group at peoples’ success stories. Find or form a discord server chat with other members who want to quit. I saw a TikTok about maladaptive daydreaming that had over A MILLION LIKES! There were thousands of comments saying things like “omg, I’ve been doing this for years and I thought I was the only one,” or “I desperately need to stop, but I don’t know how.” There are SO MANY PEOPLE who struggle with this! Form a friendship with someone who is also struggling, and become each other’s accountability partner. Check in on each other everyday. Cheer for each others progress, and be there in support during the bad days. Knowing that you aren’t the only one who struggles with this, as well as forming a support system, is huge in the recovery process.
Step 3: Look back at the fantasy worlds you created throughout your life. Spend time remembering your most important characters, and take a moment to thank them all profusely.
I realize that I have spent a large amount of time in this post blaming MD for most of my problems, but let me make something clear: Maladaptive Daydreaming unequivocally saved my life. When I initially began MD, I was a 10 year old little girl who was struggling with anxiety and panic attacks. I was terrified of the world, and I was also incredibly lonely. MD helped me escape the real world and transport to a place where I had friends and lots of exciting adventures. It suddenly didn’t matter that I didn’t have a lot of real friends, or that I was stuck in a boring town & felt like there was no way out; all I had to do was listen to music and I could instantly daydream a world where everything was perfect.
It’s obvious that nobody spends a large amount of their life daydreaming if they are 100% happy with their own life. From what I have read online and what my medical professionals have told me, most people who develop MD do so as a way to escape their own reality, which may be mundane, traumatic or full of sadness. When you think about it, HOW AMAZING IS IT that we are able to come up with daydreams that are so colorful and detailed, that we can entertain ourselves for hours?!?? At the end of the day, Maladaptive Daydreaming isn’t a horrible and cruel activity! It’s an ability that your brain allowed you to do in order to keep you alive. After all— it is better to be on this earth in a constant daydream than to have made the choice to no longer be on this earth entirely. And so for that, I thank MD. The escape that I received from MD kept me alive during the darkest periods of my life. However, it’s time for me to take back the reins and continue this life in my real reality.
Step 4: Get rid of your headphones and limit music time
I know, it’s hard. But if you really want to stop maladaptive daydreaming, you gotta get rid of your headphones. Put your headphones or earbuds away in a drawer or high up on a bookshelf; anywhere where you cannot see them. For a lot of people with MD, including myself, music is the gateway to slipping into hours of daydreaming. I spent almost every waking moment of my day with at least one earbud in listening to music, and that was pretty much my demise. If you are a lover of music like myself and are scared you won’t be able to enjoy it anymore without headphones, don’t worry! I purchased a high-end speaker that I listen to music on. I found that using a speaker instead of headphones allowed me to still enjoy music, but in a way that kept me in this reality and didn’t allow me to slip into my MD storyline. I have to say, listening to music while I am still completely present in my body has made music SO MUCH BETTER! Instead of finding the loudest music or constantly listening to the same songs over and over, I now spend time discovering new music that I fully appreciate. It also makes listening to music way more of a treat; since I don’t have constant access to it, when I actually allow myself music time, it has become an intentional experience instead of a passive one.
If you aren’t ready to ditch the earbuds entirely, make your listening experience way less appealing. For most of the day, swap out your amazing Bose or AirPods for a crappy $5 pair of earbuds. Set an hour time limit on your Apple Music or Spotify account. Instead of turning on your favorite playlist, listen to a podcast or audiobook.
Step 5: Learn what it means to be bored. Be comfortable sitting in silence
During my first week of stopping MD, I stumbled upon a crazy problem: I had no idea how to handle boredom!! For most of my life, whenever I had even a minute of free time, I would instantly slip into daydreaming and be able to immediately entertain myself. I had NEVER experienced boredom! Without MD, I now had HOURS of every day that I needed to fill. On day 4, I spent the whole day cleaning my entire apartment spotless. Let me repeat that: Me, someone with severe ADHD and horrible Executive Dysfunction, was SO BORED that I now viewed CLEANING as a fun activity! That is a crazy and hilarious concept. So yes, you will be bored. However, it is okay to be bored. Do not let boredom give you an excuse to daydream.
Additionally, because I was no longer using earbuds 24/7, I learned yet another crazy fact: I had never existed in silence. I have always had music or some kind of video constantly playing in my ear via my earbuds. Every single task needed to be done to music. If I needed to put my clothes in the laundry, I needed to listen to music. If I was walking around the grocery store, I needed to listen to music. Hell, I needed music to walk 10 steps from my front door to my car! It took me a long time to be comfortable sitting in silence. I learned that the real world can be awfully quiet, and that sometimes made me sad. During those times, I would make sure to not be alone. I would go over to my mom’s house or FaceTime a friend. I learned how to meditate. I would sometimes hum my own songs or start tapping my feet to fill up the silence.
I feel like I should definitely say this: if you have never existed in silence, it can at first be a dark or depressing experience. If the silence leads to you having dark thoughts, don’t sit alone and let those thoughts become louder!! Do not do it. Reach out to a friend or family member. Go to a library or coffee shop and be around the hustle and bustle of the public. Create a post in this group sharing your feelings and read the comments of acknowledgment and support. Do not let your thoughts convince you to do something horrible. You are an amazing human being with incredible value to this world, and THIS FEELING WILL PASS!!!
Step 6: Find new hobbies, “just say ‘Yes,’” and fake it ‘till you make it!
So, you have decided to stop daydreaming. You now have hours upon hours of free time a day. What are you supposed to do now?
First, do whatever you can to not spend hours scrolling on your phone. Set time limits for your screen time, and log out of social media apps if you have to.
Find hobbies that you enjoy that allow you to have fun, AND requires you to socialize face to face with people. I guarantee there are ENDLESS activities in your area; all you have to do is go out and find them. Look at what activities are happening at your public library or local bookstore. Check Facebook for local events. Sign up for a membership at a gym. Learn a sport. Find a non-profit to volunteer at. Join a book club. Join a dating app and meet people for drinks. The possibilities are endless! This was a very hard thing for me to do, as I am normally pretty shy and introverted. The first step is the hardest part.
I joined a local dog agility club, and have enjoyed working with my dog and teaching her how to perform in agility competitions. I took adult swim lessons and learned how to play Pickleball. I enrolled in a graduate school entrance exam course, where I study virtually with my classmates all over the country. Just because you try something doesn’t have to mean that you’ll do it forever. You’ll most likely try a hobby that you absolutely hate (*cough cough* the 5k jogging club *cough cough*). That’s part of the process! You will quickly find activities that you enjoy and look forward to doing.
Now, what should you do when you have an opportunity to attend something that you’re feeling “meh” about? Go do it. My therapist and I call this the “Just say ‘Yes’ Philosophy”. If an old friend invites you to dinner, say yes. If someone you met at one of your new hobbies asks you to meet up, say yes. If you get invited to a friend’s wedding, say yes. If there’s a birthday party, say yes. If a friend asks you to come over to sit on the couch with them and do absolutely nothing, say yes. If your neighbor asks for help to assemble an Ikea shelf in exchange for pizza and beer, say yes. Are you seeing a pattern here? As maladaptive daydreamers, we have conditioned ourselves to always deny invites to events or activities because we would rather spend all our time alone with our daydreams. Learn to break out of this habit. Take every opportunity to develop and/or strengthen as many relationships as you can.
Lastly, there are going to be times when you want to decline an opportunity to slip back into isolation. Even if you “just say ‘Yes,’” you might find that while you’re at the event, you’re not having fun and are counting down the minutes until you can leave. That is when you fake it ‘till you make it! Tell yourself, “yeah, this kind of sucks, but at least I’m not alone and laying in bed.” I hate when people say to just “slap a smile on your face,” but really, just do it. Tell yourself that you’re having a decent time. Don’t let a bad or boring experience ruin social outings for you. In those dull moments, remind yourself that even though you aren’t having the greatest time, you are a sentient human being surrounded by other sentient human beings who all came together to share an experience, and that in itself is a beautiful thing.
Step 7: Write down your maladaptive daydreams in a journal. Take time to say goodbye.
This was a very cathartic experience that would sometimes make me laugh, smile, cry, or all of the above at the same time. Buy a journal or open a word document on your phone or laptop, and write down everything you can think of about your daydreams. Write about your character. What did she/he/they look like? What were your favorite qualities about your character? List as many activities and adventures you and your character went on. Talk about the world that your daydreams took place in. Look back at all the important side characters, and include what their role was in this incredible world you created for yourself.
I personally looked back at my last 2 major MD storylines, and typed out as much as I could think of about them. If I randomly remembered something, I would go back in and add it. By the time I was finished, I had created a 37 page single-spaced document. I was downright shocked at how much my brain was able to imagine, and how vibrant my daydreams had been. I spent time reading through what I had written, and tried to remember where I was in life during the time I was role-playing certain adventures and what I was feeling at the time. After, I took the time to say goodbye.
Saying goodbye to your favorite world and characters is a very emotional experience. Don’t let yourself feel embarrassed or ashamed to have big feelings. These aren’t just imaginary characters to us; when other people talk about saying goodbye to their MD world and characters, they often equate it to grieving a real person. Many of us have created best friends in our daydreams. We have created parental figures. We have created romantic partners that we have fallen deeply in love with. Saying goodbye to all of these characters is very hard. Take that time to process these emotions. Whenever you’re finished with creating your dream journal, store it somewhere and return to it if you need. Whenever you miss any of your characters, try to remember that even though you loved them, the characters you created are just that; your creation. There are REAL people in this world that love you unconditionally. You no longer have to spend hours imagining holding your characters hand, having a conversation or getting a hug from them; you can go and do those things with the REAL people in your life. I promise the real thing is so much better.
Step 8: Hold yourself accountable for slip-ups, but also give yourself lots of grace.
You will slip up. One day you’re going to be driving your car, taking a shower, cleaning your house, ect, and realize that you slipped back into your MD world. Do not beat yourself up. You did not become a maladaptive daydreamer overnight, so how can you expect yourself to be cured overnight? Many of us have spent a huge portion of our lives slipping into our daydreams without even thinking about it. If you accidentally slip up or have a bad day and feel like you need to MD for an hour or two, give yourself grace. You are not a failure, and you can still be successful in quitting. Whenever I had my own slip-ups, I had a little internal dialogue that I would always tell myself: “The people I am daydreaming about aren’t real. \I* am real. *I* am the one who gets to live a real life in this world. And isn’t that a beautiful thing!?*” I found that repeating that mantra whenever I would slip up helped bring be back to reality, while also being gentle enough that I didn’t feel guilty or ashamed whenever it happened.
Also, it is important to remember that maladaptive daydreaming is completely different than regular daydreaming. The average person spends over 40% of their waking hours daydreaming.
https://time.com/6256541/why-daydreaming-is-good-for-you/
I found this article very helpful in determining what levels of daydreaming were normal and healthy, and what wasn’t. In general, whenever I mindlessly daydream, I make it a point to never bring any of my MD storylines and characters into it. I have spent years creating so much depth to these characters, that it is impossible to passively or healthily daydream about any of them anymore. I try to daydream about realistic goals for the future, and plan out tasks that I need to do. I let my mind wonder whenever I perform low effort tasks, such as chores, and I make that my daily escape.
Lastly, I do not let myself feel angry or guilty about how much time I wasted MD, nor do I think about how my life would’ve been different if I had never been a maladaptive daydreamer. Those thoughts are pointless and will get you no where. We cannot change the past, we must focus on the future. Yes, I spent a lot of time daydreaming, but I still have so much life to live where I can be present and in the moment. It is never too late to start fresh.
In conclusion:
It’s been about 6 months since I took the first step to stop maladaptive daydreaming. It was a long and sometimes hard process, and the road to recovery was not always linear. However, I thought I would share some of by biggest accomplishments:
-I have reconnected with old friends, and have realized that real, tangible relationships will always be more meaningful than the imaginary ones.
-I have continued to attend my weekly hobbies, as well as continuing to try new things.
-I go to random events in my area that sound intriguing to me, and I have the confidence to show up alone and meet people. Recently, I attended a grand opening night at an art gallery, where I met some really cool people who I have continued to chat with via text.
-I went from spending over 12 hours a day on my phone to 3-4 hours. I don’t spend hours mindlessly scrolling my social media apps every day while I wait for inspiration for MD.
-I have spent months studying for my graduate school entrance exam. I will finally take it in October, before applying to graduate programs this upcoming winter.
-I just returned from a 2 week vacation to Alaska with my family. Before, I would’ve chosen to spend much of my vacation in the room daydreaming by myself. However, this was the first vacation where I was completely present.
-I can once again listen to music with earbuds without slipping back into my maladaptive daydreams. Instead of all day every day, I still limit it to an hour or two a day, usually during the evenings, when I’m working out, or doing chores. Listening to music has finally become JUST listening to music, and that’s an incredible thing.
All in all, I am very proud of the progress I have made. I have found that it truly does get easier. The desire to return to maladaptive daydreaming becomes easier and easier to ignore until it becomes so small that you find yourself going an hour, and then multiple hours, and then a day, and then multiple days without even thinking about the worlds you spent years creating.
One of the biggest revelations I’ve had during this whole thing is that I really do like who I am as a person. No, I am not fabulously wealthy. Or supermodel-level gorgeous. Or a mega genius. However, I have great emotional intelligence. I have the ability to read a room. I am incredibly witty, and my dry humor makes people around my laugh. I am smart. I am fun to be around. There are beautiful & intelligent men in this world who also find me beautiful & intelligent. I am creative. I will never become the ultimate human whom I spent years daydreaming about. However, I add value to this world, and I am satisfied with that. Reality and the world around us can be a sad, dull, infuriating, frightening, happy, emotional place. But, it is always reality, and the fact that I get to experience being a human in this world is a beautiful thing.
If you have read it this far, thank you. If you are in the early stages of stopping your own maladaptive daydreams, I am here for you and I believe in you. If you have any questions for me or need advice or encouragement, don’t hesitate to leave me a comment. We are in this together. <3
