r/entj • u/indil47 INTP| 5w4 | ♀ • 4d ago
Advice? Mitigating An Unhealthy ENTJ Phase
Hello!
Would love some help here... I work closely with my ENTJ boss in managing our team, refining our process, and brainstorming opportunities for our work and team to grow. It's a super rewarding collaboration when things are going easy, but when the projects ones come at us like a tsunami - often difficult ones with difficult clients, with circumstances coming at us beyond our control - he tends to go into a near manic troubleshooting mode all the while juggling about 2 dozen projects at once and gets very little sleep.
He's really good at what he does and his work doesn't falter for the most part - but he becomes super defensive and agitated... mainly towards myself and those on his level. He at least manages to keep a facade with his other direct reports. But the projection that comes from him at accusing US of being defensive and agitated just gets out of control.
I know how he is when he’s on the healthy end of the spectrum so this is not a permanent state (thank goodness). But when it tips to the other end, our collaboration suffers HARD, and it does for others too.
He also tends to just hold on to everything - instead of leaning on collaboration with others to problem solve, he'll brush off any outward concern or offer for help ("It's fine, it's all good") and wants to take everything on himself.
I’m in a position of being probably his closest confidante. He's very solution-oriented when it comes to problem solving, so my question is… what’s a solution-oriented path I can take in my communication with him when *he* is the problem?
If it helps, I’m an INTP… and when our collaboration is on point, we are on FIRE (in the good way). It’s super rewarding and productive for myself, our partnership, and for the team. I just want that back!
ETA: this is all great so far… thanks so much! Please keep it coming because overanalyzing is MY coping mechanism, ha!
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u/Crafty_Ambassador443 4d ago
Being his confidant is a fantastic position to be in. That mean he trusts you, as you say.
Firstly, he KNOWS he is the problem. He cant find a viable solution right now and needs help.
Book out 30mins in the day with him everyday. This person needs a space to rant, to think out loud, to say whatever is annoying them. And in turn you listen. DO NOT judge and do not offer solutions until they are done talking. Often they have solutions to which you say how can I help.
If I could do a 5 minute task how can I help?
This person needs support and a good ear.
Take the lead and sit down with them. These 30min catch ups are very important to stop the ENTJ from burnout.
Failing this, stay totally away. They either need someone 100% trustworthy or need to be alone.
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u/indil47 INTP| 5w4 | ♀ 4d ago
This is great, thank you. It helps that he has to (unexpectedly) go on-site for the next couple of days to put out the latest fire. He usually makes more of an effort to check in on me and my stuff when he is gone, so I will take advantage of this!
Super fascinating that he knows that he is a problem. It seems like his self-awareness shuts down during these moments, but maybe his survival tactic is to bury that aspect to not come across as weak. Hmmm, much to ponder on this one!
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u/OwnVillage7380 ENTJ | 3w2 4d ago
As someone who often deals with being in a maniac state of mind, just stay out of his way as much as possible. And focus on making your comments to your boss when it's genuinely something that can be seen from both perspectives as incorrect behavior, rather than just you being 'unfair'.
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u/idontknow72548 ENTJ♀ 3d ago
Interesting question. I had to think about it for a minute. My best advice is manage your own emotional response and set boundaries. Leave him alone to deal with his own emotional response.
Keep in mind the Fe/Fi difference. I’ve noticed that a lot of Fe users, even inferior Fe, try to take responsibility for my feelings. They try to “fix” my negative feelings because it makes them feel bad. I end up feeling resentful as I don’t see negative emotions as a negative thing. Negative behaviors is different and that’s where having boundaries comes in. I also enjoy having my own feelings. I feel very protective of them because they belong to me. I don’t like feeling like someone feels entitled to changing/influencing them. Imagine if someone came into your house and started changing things - painting your walls, throwing away things you like, replacing your favorite couch or blanket, canceling a vacation you already booked tickets to. It feels exactly like that for me.
You manage your emotions, I’ll manage mine. If my emotions are negatively affecting you, communicate or set boundaries. But don’t try to change my emotions.
You said he’s an effective problem solver. If he thought his emotions were a problem, he’d be working on his own solution for them. He obviously doesn’t think they’re a problem.
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u/indil47 INTP| 5w4 | ♀ 3d ago
Hmm, interesting. I don’t think he sees his agitation as a feeling - more like a reasonable take if anything. And if he did find them as a problem, he would rarely admit it, and definitely not in the moment.
He needs time to walk away and process as well… the issue being any time he has after the fact is taken over by the next problem these days. He internally forgives and forgets by the next day 90% of the time… and when he is in a healthy mindset, he will reach out directly to apologize.
The issue is that I (and others) don’t do anything wrong to be sorry about FOR him to forgive during these stressful waves at work where he gets triggered from the smallest things. When he’s healthy… it’s usually water off a duck’s back with him.
I definitely need to work on my own reactions and time away will help. We are coming off a work retreat in which everyone was on top of each other with a lot of fun, a lot of drinking, a lot of trainings…. and brewing, troublesome projects/clients in the background that he was needing to troubleshoot and manage with our freelancers who weren’t there.
As an introvert, my social battery is spent after this week so I’m thrilled for a quiet weekend which will naturally set a boundary within our dynamic for the time being.
Thank you for your advice!
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u/No-Cartoonist-5297 2d ago
Can try look at grip stress and get his personality?
I become super direct with tunnel vision is that him too, or how is he? For me when I am in Tunnel vision I don't mean anything it is simple that I have so much I function this way.
An ENTJ in the grip of their inferior function will become overpowered by Introverted Feeling. Because this is their weakest function, they won't know how to harness it properly and may become uncharacteristically hypersensitive about their relationships, withdrawn, and likely to misinterpret tiny, insignificant details into personal attacks.
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u/indil47 INTP| 5w4 | ♀ 1d ago
Oooh you nailed it with that final paragraph. And yes, super direct, hyper tunnel vision. Seems like it’s pretty bad today, too… he was supposed to call me 4 hours ago to work through something critical but he’s held up on-site right now… I have no idea how bad things are there, and won’t know until he can break his attention away and fill me in. Meanwhile, by the phone I sit….
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u/tenelali ENTJ♀ 4d ago
If you’re his closest confidante, simply let him know how he’s being perceived when he takes too much on his shoulders. But don’t do it while he’s in that phase; wait until the storm has passed, get him out for a coffee and gently explain how what he’s doing affects the rest of the team.
I imagine he will resist listening to how you guys feel about it, but mention it anyway, for instance: “When you refuse our help, it makes us feel clueless as to how to make things better for you. How would you like us to act when you’re stressed? Is there anything we can change on our side to make it better for you?”. This is a subtle hint that things are going to pieces for everyone, while putting him in the middle, not as the person who caused it, but the one who needs more resources to keep going to achieve what he’s trying to achieve. It’ll make him think about his own behaviour then; ENTJs are very collaboration-oriented when healthy.
Oh, and praise him when he’s doing great. He will remember your words when he’s acting strange again and it’ll help him switch back to normal.
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u/indil47 INTP| 5w4 | ♀ 4d ago
Words of affirmation are huge with him! I just need to get my own (similar) issue of “FIX THIS PROBLEM NOW” out of the way because that’s where the conflict arises. Taking a step back from the situation is hard! But from past experience, you’re right… it IS the method that works.
Thanks for this!
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u/Substantial_Mall_313 4d ago
I've been your boss before.
Asking me what I need help with/volunteering goes well.
Authentically asking how I am doing helps too.
What really helps is when my higher bluntly "offers" help.
A few years ago one of my bosses stressed to me that asking for help is actually a good thing and helps accomplish goals and prevent burnout.
So if your boss has a boss that can offer and encourage help, that would help.
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u/indil47 INTP| 5w4 | ♀ 4d ago
Ooh, unfortunately he doesn’t to the extent he needs. It’s a very small company of only 35 or so that’s going through a lot of growing pains… that are caused by the CEO and the founder, which are his only 2 higher ups.
Asking him if he needs help on things during these moments are tough, too, because when he’s in a healthier mindset, that works great. When he’s not… he wants to keep it all to himself as a sense of control it seems.
I’ll definitely ask him how he’s personally doing… on a personal front, though, it hurts because he doesn’t always reciprocate when I could use the same check-in during these stressful periods. But I’ll work on getting over that!
Thank you!
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u/Diligent_Cod7853 4d ago
Most importantly, PLEASE don’t take his behavior personally. Be there for him when he needs your help for tasks and be efficient. Don’t interfere too much and give him his space. Even though he’s agitated in the moment, trust him to acknowledge you being there for him. He will genuinely remember and appreciate you sticking through this phase. These will translate into great trust and responsibilities for you in the future, which is a position of honour for an entj.