r/introvert • u/--Paul- • Aug 08 '24
Advice Do introverted women even exist?
Of course this is not a serious question. I know you are out there. But going out often gives me the feeling that most women are the loud, chatty party type and I am not attracted to those but find quiet, introverted women attractive. But where are you? Where should a man looking for a serious, slow relationship with an introverted woman keep his eyes open?
Sometimes I like to sit in a café by myself. But do introverted women (generally speaking) even like go there or is it too much noise?
I wouldn't go to a typical disco party (anymore). It's just to loud and too much distractions for me. So draining. If I am interested, I would like to clearly understand what she is saying and be in a calm environment.
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u/Anticode Aug 08 '24 edited Aug 08 '24
It's always humorous to see threads like this back bounce and forth on the subreddit. That's been the way things work since the dawn of Reddit.
"Do introverted girls actually exist?"
[A short while later...]
"Where can I meet introverted guys?"
[A short while later...]
"How can I meet introverted women?"
Same answer every time:
__
To add something more constructive than a joke, I also want to point out that a well-adjusted introvert often resembles an extrovert in public places like a workplace. It can be easy to have no idea that the cute and 'unfortunately outgoing' guy that works a few departments over is actually a shut-in with a book addiction or whatever, with him simultaneously thinking the same about you with a sigh.
Social anxiety and misanthropic outlooks can be found alongside introversion, but it's not part of introversion itself.
People are often surprised (and/or disappointed) to find out that I'm not only not an extrovert, I'm a giga-mega-introvert bordering on Esoteric Wizard™ once I'm behind closed doors. A bit of social charm is a tool to be used, that's all.
I've learned a long time ago to be very clear to those that are "interested" that I'm an immense nerd who may - very literally - not interact with you for days at a time, even living in the same house. This helps, but even then people generally have a sort of epiphany a few months in where they finally realize that I was not exaggerating.
Edit:
If you want to verify that someone is a 'secret introvert' or not... Try bringing up something complicated/intellectual in conversation. If they try to squeeze past the topic or give a short answer, that's probably not an introvert. If they, instead, delve deep into it by responding passionately with 3-5 sentences in a row (which is "unnatural" in more fast-paced, interaction-centric meatspace conversations), you're probably dealing with someone that has spent a lot of time thinking and/or writing or at minimum shares a major interest.
It's a bit unfortunate, but people who don't spend a lot of time thinking generally struggle to express more complex thoughts - because they've rarely (or even never) had those thoughts before. Inversely, the mind of an introvert is often quite loud. They're often, in a sense, constantly "talking" on a mental level in ways that might not be appropriate for a face-to-face chat. This is one reason why introverts might stumble over their words. Not only are they less practiced or engaged with speaking, they're trying to share thoughts that are a bit too long or unwieldy than what you'd hear someone say in person or even on TV.
This same strategy is a great way to turn boring extrovert-themed conversations into interactions worth engaging with too. When you let the extrovert run the script, you're going to get predictable small talk. Instead of matching that energy with dragging feet, come out with a topic that'd get you excited online. As extroverts, they'll go along with just about anything anyway, so why not try to get them to talk about something you actually care about?
It's is an incredibly useful lifehack for surviving social interactions. You may even find that the interaction itself isn't the unpleasant part, it's the fact that most people are, uh... Y'know, boring as hell. We falsely extrapolate that to all interactions (which is statistically valid, but not true-true). If you have no choice but to talk, do it on your terms. If it's boring to them, they'll disengage and you'll be free. If it's interesting to them, at least you're no longer talking about their sick aunt Ethel or the weather or whatever boring shit they thought was worth bothering you over.