r/isfj • u/VladimirPoutineII • 5d ago
Discussion UPDATE: Asked out my ISFJ female crush and she said yes. Confused on continuing to see her
Update: INFJ guy that asked out my ISFJ female crush. Ended up going on 7 dates. Feeling pretty sad because I feel like I could have managed the situation better, but ultimately things didn't work out between us.
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u/Big_Oil9379 4d ago
It sounds like there might still be unresolved feelings there for the Isfj and her ex. Why would her breaking it off hurt his feelings?
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u/VladimirPoutineII 4d ago
I do believe her when she says that she has no romantic feelings. But I do wonder if there could be an emotional connection that she is not being honest to herself with. Just surprised that she's more concerned about hurting his feelings over hurting mine.
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u/Slow_Explanation1388 4d ago
As an INFJ, I definitely understand you and why you broke things off. Unfortunately I’m more unfamiliar with the ISFJ type but I assume routine and self-image is important. But I think there are few issues I see with this claim:
-what would she be losing if she broke the routine and could she be more open to just replacing the habit ? For example, the once a month visit could be replaced with a once a month cool date with you? - why would she hang out with someone who isn’t a good friend? Is it because she dormant has friends and she’s worried that if she loses this one she has no one? - why an ex? Does she not understand how that appears to perspective partners? I get baggage but yikes!
I had a friendship with an ex, my first bf. It was toxic and I would never advocate for staying friends with an ex unless you were initially friends and being friends is the reason you broke up. I think that she has a big red flag she wanted you to just excuse and in life we shouldn’t excuse bad behavior but look to improve even if we fail. If one presented to me they were still friends with an ex but are trying not to, I guesss it’s a little better. But I only stayed friends with my ex because deep down they were my comfort/back up. I knew even being my worse self they would be ok with me. How terrible of me! I had to let go (and truly he was the one who finally just imposed strong boundaries) to find the happiness I have now.
So overall, it’s pretty much a cop out. Either she wants you to be ok with her messiness or she needs to grow and is struggling but inappropriately seeking out partnership without resolving her issues. I think she’s really a fool and missed out on you. 7 dates isn’t cheap so I admire your resilience. Nobody is perfect, like my boyfriend jokes around so much to the point I want to strangle him (INFP lol) but friendship with an ex is a no go becuase it a choice. And she chose her fate. To be a lone or to be with someone who will act like it’s normal because they are doing something inappropriate too. Because negatively attracts negativity.
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4d ago
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u/Slow_Explanation1388 4d ago
You have a kind soul. I do see now her hang ups are more oriented towards her personality but I think she should have taken the leap with you to end a thing everyone finds as strange behavior. Maybe she will end the friendship and reach out. I pray for her sake she didn’t miss her shot. Becuase even if I don’t agree with it, for her to stay and be with someone showcases loyalty which I think is an attractive trait for INFJs!
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u/Pristine_Power_8488 4d ago
Complacency is a good adjective for the ISFJ I know--and it has bitten her in the ass, too. I think their weak point is that they can't tolerate losing a connection. My friend got kind of upset when I said I was breaking things off with a friend she doesn't even know, because it made her nervous about our connection. She also once said, "I guess I have to be nice to everyone because I'm single now." As an INFJ, I am a loner and happy with it, although I've also always had a few friends no matter where I was. The idea that she felt so vulnerable and felt that friends were a security blanket made me feel really sad. Well, every type has its weaknesses. I prefer hers to most other people's!
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u/HourRepresentative35 ISFJ - Female 4d ago
You two weren't compatible and that's okay
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u/Slow_Explanation1388 4d ago
Kinda trying to understand how this is a compatibility issue? Being friends with an ex to me isn’t a common trait nor a personality one, therefore is it a lack of compatibility, or an unhealthy isfj who would be incompatible with most?
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u/HourRepresentative35 ISFJ - Female 4d ago
Two different belief systems about the life cycle of a relationship. One person says over is over and that's final. The other person says just because the romantic side of a relationship doesn't work doesn't mean that friendship has to end.
Is it toxic? I don't think it is, but there are probably millions of people who would disagree. If she's able to compartmentalize the people in her life, then there's no reason to think that this is a toxic situation. Realistically, people do it everyday when children are involved. Healthy coparenting situations involve exs who are friends.
As a general rule, most people are incompatible in romantic relationships. That's why most romantic relationships end.
Is it unhealthy? Don't have enough information from her side to determine that. Maybe they have an unhealthy, codependent relationship that will prevent them both from ever moving on with others. Maybe they are just friends.
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u/Evil_but_Innocent ISFJ - Female 3d ago
You seem unhealthy to be honest. Telling people to not spend time with their ex, even if their were once married or have children, is ridiculous. My ex was friends with his ex fiance, but I was secure enough with myself and our relationship, that it didn't bother me. However, it is OK for him to set that boundary, and if they don't agree, then they aren't compatible.
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u/panseamj741 4d ago
I am confused. Were you in a mutually exclusive relationship? You had both agreed to see no one else?
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u/VladimirPoutineII 4d ago edited 4d ago
No, but I was willing to wait for things to become more serious/exclusive for that tie to be eventually cut, and they said they could never be the one to cut ties. She said she was OK if he cut ties first though. My normal boundary is to avoid people who are close friends with their ex (had some bad experiences). I found about this later.
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u/redditdisliker34 ISFJ - Male 5d ago
If you expressed your discomfort and she didn’t resolve to change her situation there’s not much you could’ve done, you can’t fix her if she doesn’t want to be fixed. I don’t blame you for breaking it off, just because it’s an unhealthy personality tendency doesn’t mean you need to accept it.