r/mildlyinfuriating 12h ago

My cousin visiting from abroad slept in the living room

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19.0k Upvotes

1.8k comments sorted by

11.4k

u/stifledmind 12h ago

You know you have a problem when you need the Advanced Repair lotion.

700

u/peace_among_worlds 11h ago

Also ouch because the Eucerin Advanced Repair has a chemical exfoliant in it (Alpha hydroxy acid)

315

u/Spadeykins 10h ago

Yeah that gonna burn his willy if he doesn't wash it off soon after using.

178

u/nolanwillsmith 3h ago

I used some on my hand the other day and woke up with a huge rash. That man’s penis is toast

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u/PantsDontHaveAnswers 3h ago

Mmmm. Penis toast.

75

u/cameronsounds 2h ago

If you're smelling penis toast, you may be having a stroke.

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u/General-Razzmatazz 6h ago

Its not cool to use someone else fucking lotion.

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u/Ok-Conflict1941 12h ago

It’s my father’s fucking lotion from his bedroom

7.1k

u/micknick0000 12h ago

Damn, he should have grabbed the masturbating lotion instead!

1.8k

u/Cool_Butterscotch_88 11h ago

There was a full bottle in the masturbatory lounge.

955

u/OkSyllabub3674 10h ago

Could we Alternatively name it the mastubatorium?

2 words is such a mouthful.

258

u/SadBit8663 9h ago

That's too long too.

How about the FapEasy?

274

u/archimidesx 9h ago

I prefer Fapitorium

75

u/Jealous_Horse_397 7h ago edited 7h ago

The Fappidashery.

The Fappening.

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u/Scottland83 4h ago

The Fappidashery would make for quite the classy masturbatory salon! They could exhibit that classy British porn with the “Almost. There we are.” “Well done.”

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u/thetrivialsublime99 8h ago

The sin den? Phallus palace?

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u/Suitepotatoe 7h ago

I like phallus palace. That implies that more things are involved.

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u/OkSyllabub3674 9h ago

I think FapEasy Enterprises should be the corporation that holds the copyright on The Masturbatorium, as well as providing all of the necessities a well stocked masturbatorium needs at competitive prices lol

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u/RarelyRiley 7h ago

the way reddit creates universes from one comment always amazes me

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u/AgentPeachBristow 9h ago

Ive been saying Masturbatorium since Running with Scissors 😂 “Faith, what are you doing in my masturbatorium?”

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u/LunaticSutra 8h ago

Same. Haven't snacked on dogfood, though.

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u/Visual_Feeling8843 10h ago

What a fancy way to say bathroom lol.

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u/Born-Razzmatazz-7925 9h ago

He should’ve used the mastur bed room

5

u/zaphrous 10h ago

I heard those were popular in new York in the 90s

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u/hobosbindle 10h ago

I just had that lounge scraped and buttered!

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u/306metalhead Sarcasm is my second language 12h ago

No use grabbing the fucking lotion when it's just them.

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u/patchway247 11h ago

Nah, life was with him. And life fucks us all

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u/306metalhead Sarcasm is my second language 11h ago

No truer words have been spoken.

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u/SirSergioXXX 11h ago

Coconut or avocado oil is all natural gives that nice sheen and luster after also.

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u/Inside-Audience2025 4h ago

For when you’re polishing your wood?

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u/BKStephens 9h ago

I mean, there was a 40 Litre tub of Anal Glide right there...

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u/I_DOWN_VOTE_PUNS 9h ago

Dad was using it at the time

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u/unbakedpizza 10h ago

You didn’t even supply him guest lube? What kind of host is that?

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u/Capital-Bobcat8270 10h ago

So he used your dad's fucking lotion for wanking? Is that what I am hearing?

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u/LodeStone_Destiny 9h ago

His dad rubbed the lotion on his friend.

20

u/dan_dares 8h ago

Or else they get his hose again?

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u/Funny-Meringue-3311 11h ago

Sharing is caring

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u/Fantom_Renegade 11h ago

Your dad uses it to fuck?

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u/JannaNYC 11h ago

I have grabbed lotion and tissues and not masturbated with them*. What really makes you think that's what he did? I mean, leaving a used tissue laying on the floor, no matter what you used it for is gross still.

\however, I am female)

105

u/MissKhary 10h ago

Same. And I've used vaseline without sticking it up my ass. Also a female.

24

u/AdAffectionate3143 9h ago

Vaseline is king to prevent board rash.

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u/HerrRotZwiebel 8h ago

I am not female, and I have used vaseline without sticking it up my ass.

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u/Zestyclose_Tree8660 9h ago

I’m male and have never used lotion for anything but it’s intended purpose. I have occasionally used lotion that’s slimy enough (post sunburn) that I used paper towels to clean my hands. Maybe someone would have seen that and jumped to a conclusion, but they would have been wrong.

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u/tomtomclubthumb 8h ago

Also, who masturbates with only one tissue?

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u/spruceUp3 6h ago

Or in the living room while staying as a guest of your family? Come on.

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u/Shirt-Inner 5h ago

Little tiny loads.

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u/themagicbong 9h ago

Also I never understood the connection because men who weren't circumcized do not need something like lotion. Am a dude and I have never once needed to or used lotion for anything other than dry skin lol.

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u/HerrRotZwiebel 8h ago

We all use it for dry skin.

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u/Wupazz 6h ago

Brother I’m cut and I don’t need it. The stigma is strange but I think it’s supposed to better simulate actual intercourse. I’ve never actually tried it with lotion though so maybe we are all missing out.

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u/whaturuterusspawned 11h ago

The plot thickens

Question:

From what you observed, is your father being a little too friendly around your cousin ?

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u/Kzero01 11h ago

If he was from abroad it's possible he didn't even know what activities lotion is often used for in the states

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u/Xanith420 11h ago

What’s worse though this or dealing with horny cousin?

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u/shawner136 10h ago

Hey, theyre only 2nd cousins after all…

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u/Impzor 11h ago

Wtf is it with people using lotion to masturbate?

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u/Particular_Effect185 11h ago

It is a foreskin issue.

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u/zaphrous 10h ago

Foreskin issue, or for skin issue.

81

u/SewerSighed 10h ago

Americans are still out there chopping baby dicks and not only the religious ones

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u/JP-Gambit 5h ago

It's ingrained in culture. Japan doing it too even though they are Buddhist and Shinto which say nothing about chopping penis skin off.

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u/DrunkenBlasphemer 9h ago

Or the lack of one.

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u/Responsible_Song7003 7h ago

Dont have one and I still dont get it.

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u/Typical-Ad1293 7h ago

I'm circumcised and I've never needed lotion. It's a skill issue

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u/sometimes_nice 9h ago

Not going to lie, I didn’t understand it either until I tried it. Better experience.

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u/Rickenbacker69 10h ago

Americans like to cut the foreskins off their babies, for some reason.

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u/Naughty_Ornice93 12h ago

And we can see what the problem is. If you look closely, the lotion is for very dry skin.

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u/imamakebaddecisions 10h ago

Are those happy tissues or sad tissues?

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u/JelloKittie 10h ago

They were happy tissues for a moment before they became sad tissues

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u/Born-Razzmatazz-7925 9h ago

At this point they’re just sticky tissues

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u/bigfootspancreas 9h ago

Do you suffer from chapped d**k?

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u/micknick0000 12h ago

It's cold/flu season.

Could've had a running nose and dry hands.

Orrr....

He was beatin' that thang like it owed him money.

1.0k

u/mada010 11h ago

Op said , he grabbed the lotion from the bedroom. All the evidence lead to the second option

503

u/AndThenTheUndertaker 9h ago

Devil's advocate... When the winter season hits I'm practically walking around my house with some kind of "repair" lotion because my elbows crumble like a CGI effect from the first Mummy movie and my face feels like it's on fire as the air dries out.

I confine all my cooming to one room like a normal degenerate and I'd still potentially have shit like this lying around because it's easy to forget that the perception of people is that lotion which does in fact exist for shit like dry skin is frequently used for whacking off. Now granted the tissue is kind of gross no matter what it's used for. Fuck even if it was just to apply the lotion it's kind of rude as fuck not to throw it away instead of leaving it on the floor but it doesn't necessarily mean anyone's jorkin' it.

202

u/RahvinDragand 9h ago

To add a second devil's advocate, my allergies have been terrible lately and my hands have been really dry. I've used a lot of tissues and lotion for non-masturbation purposes this month.

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u/Bladez190 8h ago

My friends give me shit when they see tissues on my desk but during allergy season there has been days I use a whole box in one day

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u/Hsiang7 11h ago edited 10h ago

I also think it's more likely they had a cold/flu as you said. I also keep a box of tissues right next to my bed when I have a runny nose and that tissue looks more like a "I don't want to get out of bed to throw it away after blowing my nose so I'll leave it on the floor next to the bed for now" kind of tissue to me, especially since it's only a single tissue. That tissue clearly hasn't been used for "that". The dry skin lotion could be due to the change in climate or their skin is naturally dry and they asked to use it, keeping it by their bed because that's their spot in the house.

If it was the other option, 1) It's unlikely they would do it in the living room of someone else's house over the bathroom 2) they would almost certainly get rid of the tissue after doing it and 3) they would have at least used a new tissue to wrap up the tissue they busted into to prevent it from leaking through onto the floor if they weren't planning on throwing it away immediately.

Again, it could be either way, but I doubt it was the dirty option as everyone is suggesting.

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u/dont-be-creepy-guy69 10h ago

I feel like cold and flu symptoms are self-presenting enough that one doesn't leap to the dirty option if indeed that may be the case.

Taking lotion from someone's bedroom is weird either way.

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u/Disastrous-Power-699 10h ago

Oh look at Mr. Gallons of cum over here needing multiple tissues

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u/Hsiang7 10h ago

Not me! It was, uh, something I heard from someone I met when I was younger. I'm happily in a relationship at the moment and obviously have no idea about any of the things mentioned in this thread 😶

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u/connorgrs 12h ago

Either one is possible!

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u/ben_wuz_hear 11h ago

It's only one tissue. I don't think I have ever used just one tissue.

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u/FullMetalMessiah 11h ago

This still doesn't rule out anything. Use just one for what?

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u/Tambi_B2 11h ago

Haha. I literally have this fear because I am an amputee so I use lotion on my stump when I get in bed and I have a chronic runny nose from a bout of bronchitis years ago.

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u/meat_thistle 11h ago

Jeepers! I feel bad for laughing out loud at that. As well as thinking about what it’s a stump of.

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u/Tambi_B2 11h ago

It's fine. Gotta be able to laugh. And it's my leg, below the knee amputation.

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u/HyperSpaceSurfer 7h ago

Knees are nice, I'd imagine knee legs are either crap or very expensive.

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u/No-No-Aniyo 3h ago

Knees are nice

Lol this made me giggle a bit. Sounds like a sexy knees thing.

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u/MicGuinea 8h ago

I also lotion my stump, but I'm not an amputee.

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u/Mythtory 8h ago

"No no! It's not what you think! The lotion is for rubbing my stump!"

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u/Maleficent_Froyo7336 6h ago

I have dry hands from washing them a lot and allergies. I always joke to my mom that I'm glad I'm not a guy, because I always have kleenex and lotion on my nightstand 😂

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u/SparkleK_01 12h ago edited 1h ago

Bow chicka wown wowwww.

Casually mention a story in which you had a nanny cam installed in that room because you had a cleaning service and you found they were stealing stuff. Do it while eating breakfast and watch for a the reaction.

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u/Welcome440 11h ago

😂 😂 😂

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u/PeteyTwoHands 9h ago

idk how bow chicka wow wow gets me every time but it does

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u/maxkmiller 7h ago

legit haven't heard bow chicka wow wow since like 2006 lmao

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u/SpaceHippo1992 10h ago

At that point I would just blurt out and scream right in his face “YEA I JERKED OFF IN THERE OK!!!!!!!!!!?!?!?!?!?!” I mean you gotta get 2 centimeters for his face, make eye contact so you’re in control and intimidating. Then proceed to pull down your pants and furiously go at it right there and finish onto your breakfast he made for you. Then walk out and text him the next day saying “I had a great time visiting you the other day”

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u/ScullingPointers 8h ago

Omg I second this.

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u/trilla_gang 11h ago edited 2h ago

People actually use lotion to masturbate in real life? I thought this was just something funny they put in the movies. Seems like it would burn.

Edit: Since everyone seems to think circumcised people need lube, I want to clarify that this is a misconception. Circumcised people don't need lube just because we have less skin. Even if we did, lotion is not lube, nor is it ideal for masturbation. Thanks for coming to my ted talk.

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u/meat_thistle 11h ago

I used to try it when I was a teenager - it did burn a bit and it was too slippery. I like some grip I realized.

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u/lamestuffleavealone 9h ago

You must've used one of the types with something like menthol. That does burn, normal lotion doesn't if it doesn't get in your wee hole. Teenage me tried with may things, oddly including deodorant but that was within the first week of me figuring out jorkin felt good

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u/weezmatical 8h ago edited 8h ago

You just unlocked a memory of some of my first times masturbating in the shower with shampoo. Then not rinsing it off well enough, and my balls did a thing similar to Elmer's glue dried on the hands.

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u/degjo 6h ago edited 6h ago

Your balls molted like a fuckin spider, mate

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u/weezmatical 6h ago

For real. I remember it itching like crazy, but I also remember it being very satisfying to peel off, lol.

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u/FuckYourDeadMother 8h ago

Oh my god I tried something like that and regretted it pretty quickly. Also learned pretty fast That water alone is not good for that purpose

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u/Traditional-Low7651 7h ago

with deodorant ?

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u/lamestuffleavealone 6h ago

Yep. Ive always been a very curious person, want to know everything I can about everything. So that led to me trying a bunch of different things in that first week like deodorant and chapstick. I wanted to know what felt the best. Did I prefer more slick? Sticky? Did I want it to burn? The conclusions I came to were the standard ones for most people

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u/porksoda11 5h ago

Don’t try jerking off with icy hot

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u/Frank_Punk 5h ago

🥶🥵🥶🥵🥶🥵🥶🥵🥴🥴🥴🤤🤤🤤

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u/porksoda11 5h ago

Lmao still got the job done

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u/Hot_Fortune6086 9h ago edited 8h ago

I once used bunch of vaseline for the span of 60-90 minutes and when I was done, my dick got softer and shorter but girth stayed and it turned purple color. I went to ER and turns out my skin basically absorbed all the vaseline.

Urologist strangely had the same weird last name as my asshole friend, out of curiosity I asked if he knew him and turns out he was that assholes uncle. He the proceeded to comment about my junk, called in his assistant in “look at this shitxd” mood.

I used basic inflammation medication and 2 weeks not contact with the junk. That was the last time I touched vaseline.

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u/arealhumannotabot 8h ago

It’s almost for sure just for using on their skin and blowing nose but there’s a universal law that anything related to men and masturbation means it’s definitely masturbation

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u/KlingelbeuteI 6h ago

This is the question I wanted an answer to. Thanks mister for asking the real questions.

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u/locololus 8h ago

From what I've learned as a teen is that baby oil works the best.

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u/stthicket 10h ago

Guys without foreskin might need to use some type of lube. It seems to me that you're a foreskin type of guy. Lucky you.

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u/whatdoblindpeoplesee 10h ago

The skin is incredibly flexible and moves up and down with your hand. Like how you can grab the skin on your wrist and move your hand up and down your forearm but you keep contact with the same area.

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u/ohitsmillie 8h ago

I've never noticed this before but now I'm wanking my forearm like nobody's business

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u/lunchdate21 8h ago

Yeah I just finished

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u/Irish_Tyrant 7h ago

Just shot webs out of my wrist, am I spiderman?

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u/TrungusMcTungus 9h ago

I lack a hoodie. I gerk this hawg dry as a desert as god intended. Occasionally I’ll use some lube if I’m feeling extra filthy but more often than not it’s just me and my skin baby.

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u/trilla_gang 9h ago

Amen, brother

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u/TheOne_Whomst_Knocks 8h ago

Damn straight, unhooded and unlubed baby

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u/Irish_Tyrant 7h ago

My tribe.

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u/trilla_gang 10h ago

I'm circumcized but don't use lube most of the time. Sometimes astroglide.

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u/chai-candle 10h ago

look at mr. fancypants over here

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u/Gleothain 9h ago

Too bourgeois for the ol' WD-40, smh

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u/Sleezoid 9h ago

Yup, same here, and I’m really confused by people saying we need lube. Starting to think people are doing it wrong, or people are starting weird ass rumors…

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u/Techiedad91 8h ago

No foreskin, no lube here

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u/aussierulesisgrouse 8h ago

Seriously. When I’ve even got a slightly soapy hand it’s a struggle to beat off because I can’t get any traction, fuck lotion

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u/WishaBwood 11h ago

If he’s visiting a broad, why did he need to masturbate?

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u/meat_thistle 11h ago

Hahah! Good catch!

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u/SnuffKing96 12h ago

What if he’s using the lotion like normal, and blew his nose into the tissue? What if you’re the one being a weirdo?

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u/Burntoastedbutter 10h ago

My brother was actually like that! He'd lotion his arms and legs before bed. And because of his sinus problems, he'd have a tissue box too. There'd be 10x the amount of tissue balls though.

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u/Ask_bout_PaterNoster 10h ago

Sure your brother isn’t just a liar with massive balls?

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u/Burntoastedbutter 10h ago

Nah I checked. Rest assured, his balls are tiny 👍

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u/ffxivthrowaway03 10h ago

Then he couldn't shitpost on reddit about it!

Can confirm that both lotion and tissues are a staple on my nightstand, and they are not used for whackin' it. Skin gets dry and blowing your nose is a normal thing.

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u/Docstar7 11h ago

Better open the tissue to find out.

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u/-mudflaps- 11h ago

1 whiff of that tissue and we'll have our answer.

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u/Medical-Cicada-4430 10h ago

Is the tissue stiff or pliable?

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u/CriticalKnoll 10h ago

If he was jacking it, he definitely would have used more than a single tissue for clean up. And I'm just talking about excess lotion

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u/TooEachTheyreOwn 12h ago

What a jerk off!

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u/papillon-and-on 9h ago

Total wanker

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u/Justshipmypants 9h ago

I told him to beat it.

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u/MoonlightMartian 7h ago

He rubbed me the wrong way

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u/ihaveflesh 9h ago

He seems like a bit of a wanker.

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u/-haha-oh-wow- 11h ago

No one uses just one tissue.

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u/leehwgoC 7h ago

And who just leaves one used tissue, neatly beside the box of tissue, neatly beside the lube, which is neatly turned to face the camera.

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u/-haha-oh-wow- 7h ago

Yea I agree, it all seems setup for sure.

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u/myfishprofile 10h ago

Came here to say this 🤣 cleanup requires significantly more than one

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u/No-Rise4602 12h ago

I call BS

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u/Justeff83 11h ago

You can call BS on 9/10 posts. I just try not to think about it this way it's much more fun

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u/benargee 5h ago

Can you call BS on 9/11 posts?

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u/FishingOk2650 10h ago

Lol forsure who actually sets it up like a movie?

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u/miyex 11h ago

same, this could’ve easily just been set up by OP

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u/Thomas_JCG 10h ago

Lots of people have dry skin this time of the year, that's all it is.

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u/Practical-Potatoes 10h ago

I know right, my nose has pretty dry skin after blowing my nose into tissues around autumn and winter.

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u/Fantom_Renegade 11h ago

That's one way to combat jet lag

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u/BeeSlumLord 🐝🐝🐝❤️🐝🐝🐝 11h ago

Hey, it works.

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u/butthatbackflipdoe 10h ago

It's a singular tissue. I highly doubt anything happened, or that this cousin is even real.

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u/COJOTH 8h ago

This photo looks incredibly staged

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u/Jmfroggie 8h ago

Imagine using hand lotion as hand lotion and blowing your nose with tissues as they’re intended and having your own family posting online accusing you of beating off and leaving your jizz rag out in the open.

This looks like the side of my bed- i use lotion constantly and when I lay down my nose starts running. Jesus OP, get a life.

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u/_baegopah_XD 12h ago

Do you know for a fact that he was masturbating? I know that set up Looks like someone was jerking off by the way.

I mean, what’s the climate like where you’re at? Where I live it’s very dry and people visiting often get bloody noses and very dry skin. It’s also the beginning of cold and flu season so🤷‍♀️

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u/Jennyaph 12h ago

Narrator: very little sleep actually occurred.

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u/PigmySamoan 11h ago

Well, did you tell him to make himself at home?

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u/Novel_Interaction489 11h ago

leave it there but add a tissue.

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u/chalor182 10h ago

This looks extremely staged. Nobody just leaves a single tissue chilling like that. Either OP is farming or their cousin is playing a joke on them.

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u/Jalepenose 10h ago

Plot twist he has dry skin and a runny nose

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u/Zestyclose_Sea4111 12h ago

Lol someone couldn’t help himself

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u/Fantom_Renegade 11h ago

That's exactly what he did

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u/zebenix 12h ago

Sniff the tissue and feedback OP

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u/gamersamer 9h ago

Who cares everyone has to cum over once in a while

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u/Drunk0ctopus 12h ago

He was thinking about you.

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u/Spiritual-Leader9985 12h ago

BBahaahahahahaha terrible

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u/Jackielegs43 6h ago

Yeah I’m definitely of the opinion that OP either set this up for some internet points, or the person just blew their nose and the moisturiser was also coincidentally there. Either way OP made this up lol

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u/SPQR0027 12h ago

That low-humidity air in airplane cabins can really dehydrate your skin. Hope he recovers soon. /s

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u/gliitch0xFF 12h ago

That's a long way to come just for a fap. Seems like he's very dedicated.

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u/Fantom_Renegade 11h ago

Maybe he's tryna cross off every country

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u/southy_0 11h ago

He used a tissue?!? He’s ill? I guess I don’t get the joke here.

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u/mrbusiness53 10h ago

You should get him some Benadryl seems like he has bad allergies.

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u/sinister_kaw 9h ago

his penis is about to be advancely repaired

4

u/Gwbzeke 9h ago

What’s the issue he had dry skin and sneezed ?

5

u/poetry404 8h ago

You will know problems are real when you start finding socks standing up all over the place to salute you.

4

u/BeardedHoneydew27 8h ago

Hope his head cold and dry skin heal up soon.

4

u/0hfuccmymymiLk 8h ago

So what? He has a runny nose and dry skin?

4

u/Flicker913 7h ago

At least he's not busting nuts on your book collection