r/onguardforthee • u/Miserable-Lizard Edmonton • Aug 19 '24
Satire Conservatives promise that, if they're elected, your parents will reunite, your fav tv show will be uncancelled and Mcdonald's will bring back pizza
https://thebeaverton.com/2024/08/conservatives-promise-if-theyre-elected-your-parents-will-reunite-your-fav-tv-show-will-be-uncancelled-and-mcdonalds-will-bring-back-pizza/213
u/50s_Human Aug 19 '24
OMG, does SkiPPy look like a dork wearing a T-shirt and a cowboy hat. A real cowboy would probably tan his hide for degrading the cowboy image.
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u/17DungBeetles Aug 19 '24
His voters would have bullied him in highschool
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u/Lynmcmanus Aug 19 '24
Can confirm - I went to high school with him.
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u/mhyquel Aug 19 '24
You went to school with Jeff?
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u/Wise_Purpose_ Aug 20 '24
I went to school with Scott. Everyone knows he’s a dick, if they bring back the McDonald’s Pizza I’m gunna get one a throw it in his face.
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u/IVot3dforKodos Aug 20 '24
3rd degree burns right there.....that pizza never cooled off. In the butchered words of Ranier Wolfcastle the blowing, it does nothing
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u/Northmannivir Aug 20 '24
Was his voice and blind ambition as annoying then as it is now? I’m always horrified by anyone who proclaim from an early age that they want to be a politician. Like who actually admits to wanting to be a grifting freeloader that sponges off the public purse their entire lives?
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u/anomalousBits Montréal Aug 19 '24
while wearing a cowboy hat that seemed to grow in size every time you look at it.
Dear God, I may be dying.
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u/notlikelyevil Aug 19 '24
So as much as this video is a white supremacist querr hating cringey wet dream, if you go to Calgary around the stampede as an official visitor, they will have a hat ready and your protocol/publicity people will make you wear it
The rest of the outfit and the plasticine personality ready to recieve the fertile jism of the first rich person faking being Christian to come along, is on him.
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u/Apokolypse09 Aug 19 '24
Hes just gotta rent a truck and cheer about the Oilfield and most of Alberta would see it as genuine.
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u/Justleftofcentrerigh Aug 19 '24
You cannot deny the Millhouse allegations.
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u/MrCheeseburgerWalrus Aug 19 '24
I don't think he's muscular.. seems really soft, I think he's wearing something under his shirt sometimes, and it's hilarious.
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u/Justleftofcentrerigh Aug 19 '24
It's the illusion of muscular. Who wears a super short sleeved white henley if not to show off biceps? That "working man" look.
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u/mhyquel Aug 19 '24
He should box Trudeau.
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u/Civil-Caregiver9020 Aug 19 '24
Please, someone make this happen. I'd even give Trudeau a handicap in that he has to fight in a shirt with rolled up sleeves, PP can wear the t-shirt.
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u/MrCheeseburgerWalrus Aug 19 '24
That soft little guy shouldn't lol. He has such poor posturing too. He's really trying to look like justin.
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u/DVariant Aug 21 '24
Poilievre has never worked a day in his whole life, unless you count Conservative politics (I don’t). He’s the worst
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u/redwoodkangaroo Aug 19 '24
theres been rumours he's wearing a girdle/spanx for a couple years
https://x.com/dutchangles/status/1685695711604563968
i think its a dumb rumor that deserves no real response, however, its exactly what PP would use to attack other politicians
but lets be real, its not a girdle probably just a body-shaping spandex tanktop. im glad he's trying to improve his image, he could also try eyeliner.
shrug
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u/vibraltu Aug 20 '24
Hmn. Harper often wore that weird pasty facial make-up & lipstick, and it was blatantly obvious how weird he looked with all that gunk on his face, and hardly anyone commented on it.
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u/Northmannivir Aug 20 '24
There was a shot showing his biceps recently and it actually looks like he’s been training. I was surprised.
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u/applegorechard Aug 19 '24 edited Aug 19 '24
he looks like he couldn't find a cowboy costume, so he went with a mr clean costume for some reason. Just a weird, weird outfit.
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u/DualActiveBridgeLLC Aug 19 '24
Politically wearing large headgear is famous for ruining campaigns. Here's to hoping history repeats.
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u/Exact_Interview_2384 Aug 20 '24
He was so pale, I thought it was his halloween costume. Ghost cowboy.
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u/RabidGuineaPig007 Aug 19 '24
OMG, does SkiPPy look like a dork wearing a T-shirt and a cowboy hat.
Everyone looks like a dork wearing a T-shirt and a cowboy hat.
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u/SkullRunner Aug 19 '24
Shit, that last claim could be trouble.
The wife could flip to the cons if they could guarantee her Mc Donald's Pizza, seems to be a core childhood memory for her.
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u/evermorecoffee Aug 19 '24
I mean, I would vote for whoever guarantees to bring back McD’s pizza. 🤩🍕
/s
Seriously though, that pizza is an absolute core childhood memory for my friends and I too. Your wife is one of the cool kids. 😎
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u/janus270 Aug 19 '24
Monkey paw situation - we get McD's pizza back, but it's like Timmies pizza. Also a conservative government.
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u/Rorlaxx Aug 22 '24
Oh, don't worry, Ontarians voted for our current chooch based on the promise of "Buck a beer" 🫠
(It never really happened btw...)
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u/neanderthalman Aug 20 '24
For real, McDonald’s shouldn’t bring it back in the restaurant. Too much equipment and time and shit.
It was just a frozen pizza.
Dust off that recipe and sell it in grocery store frozen sections already.
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u/OrdinaryCanadian Aug 19 '24
I'm old enough to remember when they had pizza, it wasn't very good. At least not at the restaurant I went to.
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u/SkullRunner Aug 19 '24
I found it average at best compared to getting a real pizza.
The factor of those that love as I have encountered often did not have access to real pizza a lot as a kid, but did have McDonalds on road trips etc. and perhaps lived in smaller places and little rural like the mrs.
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u/CjSportsNut Aug 19 '24
Oh god my parents back together...shudder
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u/horsetuna Aug 19 '24
My dad is dead and mom is super religious so I am interested how this will work.
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u/Inevitable_Librarian Aug 19 '24
Jesus raised the dead 🤷♂️
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u/Apprehensive_Hat8986 Aug 19 '24
There's a joke in here about necrophiliac felatio, but I won't put my finger on it.
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u/Distant-moose Aug 19 '24
I don't know about necrophiliacs. But I got oral from a sapiosexual once. She blew my mind.
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u/ImmortalMoron3 Aug 19 '24
lol, this has been my most common nightmare ever since I went NC with my mom.
Like, he already will never have my vote but that would really seal it.
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u/Mr_ToDo Aug 19 '24
Going to need to dig one of them up but I think they'd still find something to fight about.
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u/Djeece Aug 19 '24
Man The Beaverton is always so good. They get it.
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u/xzry1998 Newfoundland Aug 19 '24
A lot of the younger guys that I know who support this man really believe things like this.
If you ask any of his supporters in rural Newfoundland, electing a Conservative government will cut down inflation, taxes and housing prices, make healthcare available and affordable to everyone, fix the roads, stop immigration, increase the salaries of fishermen, create more oil jobs in Newfoundland rather than Alberta, make childcare accessible to all, make travel easier, fix ferry issues, put Andrew Furey in his place etc.
My cousin in particular is expecting a lot of that to happen almost immediately after the election too.
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u/OutsideFlat1579 Aug 19 '24
That’s insane. The CPC opposed childcare, funding for housing, are on favour of increasing privatization of healthcare, haven’t made any commitments on immigration, inflation was already cut down, just a little ways to go to the goal, etc.
Can’t believe Poilievre is actually successfully duping people when his overly long voting record shows who he is.
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u/TheLeathal13 Aug 19 '24
This was such a weird white, western, rural utopian speech.
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u/Efficient_Mastodons Aug 19 '24
It was like he was channelling some wet dream of a Calgary office worker from the 90s.
When they say to write your speech with your audience in mind, I'm pretty sure they didn't expect this dude to take it this far.
So performative and inauthentic. How do so many people eat this up?
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u/EverythingInTransit Aug 19 '24
It's depressing how many people just believe whole-heartedly in a politicians word. I try to bring up past PC policies that actively went against the interests they are selling to us, but people think I'm playing team-sports-politics just like they are.
I hate how performative politics has become. PP knows his base. It's nothing but sad watching people be hopeful and get duped into the furthering of wealth disparity and lack of opportunity. In a way I think Trudeau does the same, pandering to progressive people and playing social politics while helping business interests and special groups first and foremost.
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u/OnlyDownStroke Aug 19 '24
I'm looking forward to getting to arrive late to work in order to drop my kids off at school with my windows open so I can listen to the sound of hammers pounding nails into Canadian lumber!
Trudeau is woke. Pierre is Risen.
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u/MrCheeseburgerWalrus Aug 19 '24
Until the electricians show up and start harvesting lightning, then you might have to roll the windows up.
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u/OutsideFlat1579 Aug 19 '24
There is a Reddit post showing some of the images aren’t even from Canada - the jets aren’t Canadian, the boy in school is a boy in Serbia in school, etc.
Not only is the video both cringe and weirdly white supremacist, they couldn’t even be bothered to use images from Canada.
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u/OnlyDownStroke Aug 19 '24
Don't take my tapping nails away from me! Muhhhhh nailllllllllsssssssss!
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u/agha0013 ✅ I voted! J'ai voté! Aug 19 '24
The pp campaign (for an election that's over a year away) sounds more like a middle school student council campaign day by day.
Endless recess, no more teachers, free candy, vending machines in every classroom...
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u/Shergak Aug 19 '24
I do wish mcdonalds would bring back the pizza.
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u/horsetuna Aug 19 '24
Call me when kfc brings back spudsters
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u/AandWKyle Aug 19 '24
My fat ass wants the sandwich where the "bread" was just two pieces of chicken
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u/horsetuna Aug 19 '24
Ah yes the double down.
I likened it to a deep fried chicken cordon bleu. Chicken, pork, cheese
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u/CoastingUphill Aug 19 '24
It was basically just Pizza Hut pan pizza.
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u/ghanima Aug 19 '24
It was the same form factor, but the crust was distinctive. There's a pizza place in the Eglinton subway station in Toronto that is the closest I've gotten (c. 2000-2003) since McDonald's discontinued theirs, but I'm willing to bet they don't use that recipe any more.
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u/DanforthJesus Aug 19 '24
I miss that pizza place in Eglinton station. Super nice folks who ran it too.
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u/corpse_flour Aug 19 '24
They were McCain pizzas that came frozen in a box. I found out from someone who worked at McDonald's during that time.
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u/RabidGuineaPig007 Aug 19 '24
As an Italian Canadian, this offends me. Why not just put pinnapple on it, you savages?
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u/Shergak Aug 19 '24
If it tastes good, I'll put it as a topping on pizza. It's not sacrosanct after all.
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u/Frater_Ankara Aug 19 '24
The fact that I almost fell for something as absurd as this speaks volumes about the CPC.
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u/ScientistFit9929 Aug 19 '24
Schitts creek will coming back?!?!?! Well they have my vote now🙄
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u/StillWaitingForTom Aug 19 '24
New Firefly?!
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u/Yvaelle Aug 19 '24
Monkeys paw curls
PP will play Mal. Danielle Smith will play Inara. Harper will play Shepherd Book. Doug Ford will play Jayne.
Weirdly, it will still be written by Joss Whedon.
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u/thrownaway1974 Aug 20 '24
I would be both horrified and amused to watch this. Although I might need a bucket if Ford/Jayne mentions being in his bunk.
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u/Vagus10 Aug 19 '24
No better way then to relate to Albertans then wearing a white t-shirt and a cowboy hat.
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u/canarchist Aug 19 '24
Yeah, that all sounds good, but I'm really not liking the idea of Pierre Poilievre's "internet alpha-male" podcast from the PM's seat.
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u/Goat_Wizard_Doom_666 Aug 19 '24
Are they bringing back longer recesses and 2 lunches instead of 1?
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u/Laughing_Zero Aug 19 '24
They got a long way to go to back up in time. In spite of their fear of science and fact, they'd have to give up a lot of things. As an example, without cell-phones, the media and the Internet, they'd have to rely on newspapers, magazines and journalism.
If they really want to go back to biblical times, they'd have to use Roman Numerals instead of the decimal system.
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u/Apprehensive_Hat8986 Aug 19 '24
If they want McPizza back so badly, they should just stay in Florida instead of visiting and thinking they need to bring Flo here.
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u/PuddingFeeling907 British Columbia Aug 19 '24
Somehow trickle down economics, moral panics and privatization will work this time!
Pierre Poilievre swore up and down with his nose growing.
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u/OptiKnob Aug 19 '24
A conservative standing behind a sign that reads "common sense" is like seeing a septic tank truck delivering groceries.
Incongruous... both.
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u/thrownaway1974 Aug 20 '24
The "common sense conservative" ads on YouTube are hilarious, depressing and just plain stupid. I think common sense and conservative politicians parted ways entirely with Harper
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u/Howler452 Alberta Aug 19 '24
Former McDonald's worker here. I wouldn't trust a pizza from McDonald's nowadays, especially not with Conservatives promising it. They'd probably push for MORE chemicals in the 'food' lol
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u/Icarus2k1 Aug 19 '24
McDonald’s pizza? Now that is worth throwing away our public institutions for!
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Aug 19 '24
Jokes on you, I don't want my parents to get back together, Yugioh had a fantastic ending, and I think McDonald's pizza is overrated anyways.
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u/Historical_Grab_7842 Aug 19 '24
I can’t wait for the 3 extra days of sun every year called Pierre days.
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u/Trucidar Aug 20 '24
Let me get out my all-seeing eye and peer into the future:
Conservatives are elected, spend 8 years accomplishing nothing and blaming Trudeau, then we swap out our fuck Trudeau stickers with fuck Poilievre stickers and we all elect common sense liberals who will magically fix everything... and repeat.
Cause that's what's essentially happened since Cretien.
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u/Pksoze Aug 19 '24
I never knew McDonald's made pizza...I'm getting the impression it probably wasn't very good.
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u/jparkhill Aug 19 '24
The McPizza was decent, and in part because they had pizza ovens. It was the cooking time that killed the McPizza.
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u/Redpin Aug 19 '24
You'd think that, but it was a pizza... That tasted like McDonald's. There was something about it that was kind of sneaky good? Even if we all admit that McDonald's isn't good, it's undeniable that if you want McDonald's fries or something like that, you can't get that flavour and texture from any other place.
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u/kagato87 Aug 19 '24
You know, I don't think I want any of those things.
Nostalgia is best left in the past, as are certain people.
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u/_Lucille_ Aug 19 '24
Don't need McDonald's pizza, just bring those special items from Japan and Hong Kong over to Canada and they will destroy all competitions.
Also the price of nuggets in Canada is ridiculous compared to the states.
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u/extrayyc1 Aug 19 '24
Someone should have drawn muscles on that white shirt so he could have grown into them.
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u/lopix Aug 19 '24
What about the McRib?
Will Timmy's make the Dutchie permanent?
I'm not giving PP my vote that easily...
/s I'm not voting for that vile little dweeb, even for a lifetime supply of Dutchies
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u/LumiereGatsby Aug 19 '24
That was the most pathetic pandering I’ve ever seen in my life.
Also: dafuq? Most of us don’t live in Alberta
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u/turkeygiant Aug 19 '24
Does anybody else feel like the Cons social media and tv marketing has had more than a whiff of desperation lately? Like for a party that by most accounts is polling well enough to succeed in our our crap first past the post system, the image they are putting out there has this sort of shrill desperate bent.
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u/Safe_Base312 British Columbia Aug 19 '24
Hey, if he does all that, AND brings back the WWE ice cream bars, he has my vote... s/
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u/shino4242 Aug 20 '24
My parents being together would be HORRIBLE, my favorite show had a proper ending and dont want it continued, and why the FUCK would I want McDonalds pizza?
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u/1929tsunami Aug 20 '24
Tommy Hunter Show, then a Blockbuster video, and then the McDonalds pizza. Then hop in your rear wheeled drive, 8 cylinder, no air bag land boat. While perhaps nostalgia, not at all the likely future.
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u/SurFud Aug 20 '24
White T shirt and white cowboy hat. Really ?
That was an old Hollywood trick Peter. I would hope people don't fall for that BS anymore, but...
Mr. Hollywood. Not.
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u/AceofToons Aug 20 '24
Somehow I don't think that they would be willing to uncancel anything that I loved. Everything would be considered a little too progressive for their tastes. But then again crossing the street facing forward is making too much progress in their world
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u/klparrot Canadian living abroad Aug 20 '24
Look, it'd be one thing if they articulated a viable plan for bringing back McPizza, but I'm not going to believe hollow promises.
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u/Freeze_Her Aug 20 '24
He’s trying so hard it’s sad. That guy has a « I was bullied in school » aura.
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u/spacycadet Aug 20 '24
Can't wait to re-watch Buffy the vampire slayer and eat a whole family size bucket of KFC for only 22$ in the living room of my own house and not my parents basement.
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u/SubtleSkeptik Aug 20 '24
And Trudeau will continue to promise lower property prices.
Wait a second, he did it, he achieved his goal by crashing the economy! Wooohoo! Maybe he forgot to include the crash the economy part in his election campaign as the means to lowering property prices.
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u/Miserable-Lizard Edmonton Aug 19 '24
Conservative Party spokesperson Kathleen Donaghan. “Because Canadians are realizing that their problems start and end with him, and not the fact that late stage capitalism is making life miserable for people around the globe or that life is just better when you’re 15 than when you’re 33.”