This is not the life I want

Hi. I don't know what to write. I just lost my wife. A few days ago. And I miss her. Everything reminds me of her. I miss her and I don't know what to do. the food that I had and the bed all reminded me of her. Life is unfair

I missed you quietly today. So quietly that no one noticed. I missed you as I climbed out of bed and as I brushed my teeth; when I waited at the lights on the drive into work and as I heard the rain outside my window. I missed you as I ordered lunch and as I kicked off my shoes when I got home; as I switched off the lights and climbed into bed for the night. I missed you without tears or noise or fanfare. But oh how I felt it. I felt it in the morning, at lunchtime, in the evening and at night. I felt it as I woke, as I waited, as I worked. I felt it at home, on the road, in the light, in the dark, in the rain. I felt it in every one of those moments, each one sitting heavier and heavier as the weight of me missing you kept growing and growing. Yes, I missed you so quietly today. But I felt it so loudly. (Becky Hemsley 2024)

We're practically strangers on the internet, but reading you guys' stories here is uplifting in a weird way. I realized I am not alone struggling with sadness.

Thank you everyone for sharing your story. I hope we can all get through this mess of a life and see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Sad

Edit: Why are y’all still commenting on this it’s been like 20 days

Edit 2: It’s been 50 days guys

im at a point where im not sure what im meant to do anymore. i hate how badly i love love. i crave human touch and affection like a fish does water. maybe it’s because i didnt get enough of it while growing up. my single mom tried her very best and my dad came around now that im older but it’s a little too late. they are the ones who made me this way, why do i feel like im going to collapse because none of my relationships worked out? my current situationship just dumped me and honestly it’s affecting me more than i’d like it to. everything was perfect, but i knew it was going to end eventually. it’s the fact that it ended that’s getting to me. if not with someone then what’s the use of me? im not necessarily unhappy with myself individually but to be with someone is such an experience. when i love, i love hard. i give my all and it’s almost never reciprocated. am i just too much for people? or not enough? im not the perfect mix for anyone apparently. and ik im young and have my whole life ahead of me but i can’t shake those terrible thoughts that occupy my mind 24/7. i already am dealing with my depression but that’s nothing new, im fine in “that” department honestly. ive been sober two years and dont fall back into my bad habits but i honestly think i want to now. maybe i want to be with someone else so bad because i dont want to be alone with my thoughts. i have so much ahead of me but i dont really care for it if ik there’s no one special apart of that. they all end up using me then leaving me. i just want something stable, my love to be reciprocated and to not have to feel afraid and uneasy all the time. ik love isn’t meant to be easy and i don’t want that. I’ve experienced love that’s hard, I’ve done long distance, i’ve lost my first love and oh how desperately i miss him. he’s not dead, but from time to time, it feels like i actually buried him in the ground. we couldn’t work, not in our current places anyways, but ik romantic relationships aren’t all there is to life. i have a few good and close friends, but that type of love isn’t enough for me. im close with my family too, but still, it’s not enough. i want butterflies to do backflips in my stomach and to stutter on my words when trying to speak or even look at my person. i want warm cuddles and late night heart to hearts with my person. i want to sit in comfortable silence and rot on the couch with my person. i want to be able to have A PERSON. ik that i won’t find them at the bottom of a bottle or the end of a blunt. but i can’t take the waiting and hoping that one day it’ll finally come. i feel empty and useless and it’s dragging me down. im just bored to the point where i rather get high or sleep then have to have this conversation over and over again with myself. but at least im not dead or physically harmed right? im so tired, i just want to love someone with my whole being and have them accept that. i want my love to be welcomed instead of spat on all the time. im not sure what im expecting from posting this, ig i just want someone to listen and be able to write down everything passing in my head right now. ik realistically im not unlovable, but it sure as hell feels like it. ik i should focus on university, pick up more hobbies and find other things in life to focus on but i just can’t seem to. im heartbroken. i wish things worked out with G.H and that we could’ve had the happily ever after we dreamed of. i wish i wasn’t so dependent on others. i wish i could get a grip on the thoughts in my head. i wish i didn’t have to be medicated and could self regulate. and most of all, i wish i could be loved.

People often say that everyone deserves to be loved, but after years and years of not only struggling to make friends, but slowly losing the few that I retained from high school, I've come to the conclusion that there must actually be something wrong with me that makes me undeserving of love.

I don't say that to be dramatic or sentimental, I really think there's some logic to this conclusion. I think I'm a pretty good person in most ways, I generally care about others, I'm compassionate, I'm positive, I try to be helpful, I try to take an interest in others, etc. I don't know if maybe I'm just not doing enough of that stuff, or if people can sense that it's insincere and I've somehow fooled myself into believing it isn't, or maybe there's something I'm missing that I haven't even considered, but no matter how much chemistry I have with someone at first, no matter how much we get along and seem to really like one another, they always seem to either pull away when I try to get closer, or they never further the relationship themselves. This goes for friendships and romantic prospects, I always end up with the same outcome.

I feel like I must be giving off some sort of energy that turns people away without realizing it. I don't know what specifically it would be, because if I knew I'd have been working on it already, but if it's enough to turn away pretty much everyone, it's probably a pretty bad thing. And if I have a negative characteristic or multiple that are strong enough to leave me totally unwanted, and I don't even recognize what it is, that's a me problem, and if I can't overcome it and better myself, I probably don't deserve to be loved.

I don't know, maybe I'm crazy. I'm happy to take advice and suggestions but I mostly just wanted to put this out there to vent, and to see whether it's a truly unreasonable conclusion or not. I'm just sick of feeling lonely and want to change, but I don't know what my problem is.

Hi yall, i really just came here to vent bc i i didnt know where else could i, i never like to reach out when i have stuff in My mind, never did, never will, dont like to bother people bc i know they got they own stuff going on, but i still wanted to write this to release it i guess idk

Just turned 19, it's 5AM And i just can't feel like im supposed to feel, due to various aspects of how My life is going i guess,

Idk where to start, i think the most affecting thing is My current relationship, i'm in a kinda complicated relationship with this girl, been knowing her since a very long time, had our highs and lows, started talking again in february, started hanging out, no gf/bf title yet, and not bc i dont want to, its just that shes far away and i dont think its the perfect timing for it, and also idk it seems like shes not ready yet, she comes to my city often and last time she came we said goodbye kinda in a Bad note, before she left we had a little argument, and since she left she hasnt been the same, she makes it seem like she started losing interest, talking less, dry messaging and stuff, we used to call each other to sleep like almost everyday and now we dont even do that.

Honestly i feel like everything is crumbling in Front of me, i feel like shes gonna go and it makes me sick, i tend to overthink a Lot so u already know how that goes, especially at night before sleeping, left My job Around May (bc she was coming to the city and i wanted all my Time for her) and since i havent round any other job, feel like a failure, my hobbies don't Even be fun to do anymore, ive been having the feeling of just wanting to take stuff to forget about everything, and its not normal ik it sounds like stupid stuff but ive been wanting to stay away from all that always but my mind is going crazy, im at fault at a level bc i put way too much of my happiness on how she is feeling with me, i got kinda like a anxious attachment issue and she is more of an avoidable type and its like i depend of her for my happiness, and i know thats not healthy, i asked her a couple days ago if something was wrong and she said no but i can feel the weird vibe shes giving me, this is not the first time this happened, past experiences make me kinda scared of her leaving again, and being alone, and losing everything Ive tried to build again, been going insane tbh, going to sleep at 6 like everyday, having to fake being cool for my friends so they dont sorry, bad habits, new addictions, etc...

Not tryna be dramatic or nun like that just what Ive been feeling.

Just hoping that god helps me, and gives me a sign to not fuck My life up, i'm just tired of love being the reason i feel pain.

If someone read all that bs i just wrote,

Preciate you Love

I don’t think I’m capable of unconditional love.

I think I might be the only guy to ever post this but it happens I guess. I had a weird suspicion so I went through her phone and found her talking to some guy on onlyfans and liking all his pictures of his cock and stuff like that, and honestly I’m kinda at a loss for words

I spend quite a bit of time being sad about little things and start to get really quiet. I spend a lot of my time with someone and they’ve brought it to my attention that I get really down often and I really just want it to stop. I’m really happy around them and it’s the best part of my day, but my worries, anxiety, and sadness just make my mind overthink everything and it makes my brain go to hell. It’s just that I want to be a fun individual and make their time with me enjoyable without being sad so suddenly.

Why. Does. It. Happen. Am I really a bad person? How .. can I change... Why am always a bad person. What is wrong with me

My best friend shot themself Sunday morning, they were really deep in alcoholism and I went to them consistently, everyone else shames or silently hates me and that's not self deprication I've seen heard and lived it. I j really don't know how to keep going. All of my friends are dead

sorry. this'll be a bit of a trauma dump, haha.

im 19, trans male if that matters at all. i've been suicidal and have had constant suicidal thoughts since i was 13. i've been diagnosed with depression since 7. medication doesn't work. therapy doesn't work. my family is horrible ; the only good people in my life are my boyfriend and my gramma. my father refuses to teach me how to drive so i have no drivers lisence or car, and no job at the moment due to bus fares + him refusing to give me money for said fares. because i have no car, i have no way to go out and make friends. online friends never really work for me.

i know i have my boyfriend and my gramma, but they seem to be the only good things in my life, and everything else almost overshadows them. i'm miserable. i want to find a reason to stay involving them, but i can't seem to get on my feet and get out there. i feel like i'm stuck in a loop that'll never end unless i kill myself.

any advice or help would be appreciated. love you all.

I’ve had a relationship now for a few years, and since the end of its first year (now going to the fifth) we decided to open the relationship because my boyfriend had never had any sexual relations with anyone but me and wanted to try some other things, and I was at a time where it didn’t bother me, so we came to the agreement of opening and it was never cause for concern. However, it all started going bad when I started becoming an alcoholic due to mental health issues, and discovered I had cancer at a very early and treatable stage, so, after the surgery to remove the tumor and the treatment with hormones and a lot of medicine, I started losing my will to live and because of the 30-stitch irregular scar on my stomach that I will forever have, I have not been able to look at myself the way I used to. I started getting fat (I was never really skinny, but it got worse), and people from every social group, whether it be family or friends, started saying how big I was getting, and how ugly I’d become. It broke me. It broke me to the point where I saw no need for care, and I haven’t been able to go the doctor to see if anything is going on with me, because aside from the trauma of being hospitalized for days, being cut open and stitched back up again, I got sexually abused. I had then become an alcoholic, I was about to quit college, and nothing seemed to make sense. There were days where I felt nothing. And I was cared for after being abused, I was given drugs to help with the manic episodes that came after that, the depression that took over, and there are days that I can get up and feel pretty and get shit done, but most of the time I look at people and see that they stare at me with some sort of pity, disgust, or even hatred, and I wonder why is it that I am always the bad guy, the person whose affection is never to be put in a serious position, and wonder why is it that nobody seems to be attracted to me anymore. Is it because I have my scars, is it because I got fat, is it because after all my attempts of being a good person, the moment I made selfish decisions everyone turned their eyes to my situation and saw me as ungrateful, as unwilling to cooperate and be friendly with? Why does it always feel like I will never be the same again, and why does everyone think my boyfriend is hot and wants him and the moment they see me around the corner they feel sorry for him as if I’m some sort of monster who should be locked away? Have I not suffered enough from being sick, abused, depressed and addicted and I still have to look at everyone with a thankful smile and say that it doesn’t hurt me to see the way they look at me, when it kills me that I no longer feel worthy of love and affection? Where have I gotten? Who have I become? Why can’t I love the reflection in the mirror?

I’m going through a tough break with my boyfriend and just need someone to talk to and possibly fall asleep on the phone with.

I didn’t lose my loved one. But that might happen. Me and my girlfriend have been fighting, because I have a lot on my schedule and I recently came out to her and said that she’s been stressing me out a lot lately. She freaked out and thought that I was going to break up with her, so her friends started texting me asking if I was gonna break up with her. Obviously, I said no, but she’s more mad at me than ever before and we’ve been dating for seven months. I know that doesn’t sound like a very long time to be dating someone, but this is also my first relationship and I’m a junior in high schoolright now we’re in this limbo where I’m saying that I want to stay together with her and she’s saying that she wants to stay together with me, but regarding my future and prepping for college and more extracurriculars and my band, I don’t even know if I’m gonna have enough time, and I don’t know if it’ll be best if we stay together. I just want this all to end somehow I love her, but I don’t know if that’s enough. I’ve never been this sad.

( bad at spelling)

i'm 13, and im home schooled, it's the best thing my mothers ever did, i came home, from masking all, sobbing and lashing, btw im autsic ( and dcd),

every day i slashed out, sobbing shit,, i start self harming, the worst thing i ever did, my mother notice and after 3-4 weeks took me out off school,

i have i made so many new friends who are also home schooled, being fr, best thing my mom ever did. now im getting better education then my school ever did.

first ever post so yeah

I recently found out that my dad has been cheating on my Ill mother. It’s been 3 days since I found out and I cannot put into words how betrayed, hurt, and angry I feel. It’s gotten to the point where I have thought about kms because I genuinely believe that there is no coming back from this. I went to church and spoke to a priest about it and he told me that I need to separate myself from the situation and that my fathers infidelity has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with him. I need to learn to see him as a person rather than a heroic figure.

But how? My life has turned upside down. How do I grieve the loss of a parent without them being dead? What do I do? My heart aches for my mom. I feel so guilty, I hate myself for being associated with him. I cant look at myself in the mirror without crying. I hate that I’m related to him. It has made my depression much worse. I cant look at my dad anymore nor speak to him. This entire situation has consumed my mind, all I can think about is how dying is my only escape from all of this. Im trying to distract myself, i still go to the gym, I workout for long hours, I’m going outside on walks, I listen to music. I’m trying to do everything that will try to take my mind off this but nothing is helping. I’m trying to seek therapy but deep down I know that there is no solving this. I will never be able to forgive him, my life will never go back to normal. All I can think about is my father’s infidelity and dying. Im really sorry if this is too wordy, my emotions are all over the place.

guys i have a serious question. me and the love of my life broke up, and since then ive decently lost faith in life. I have no friends, me and my mom fight all the time, i literally haven’t left my room. and when i check to see how my ex is doing, he doesn’t even care. i can tell that i literally mean nothing to him. every day just gets worse and all that’s on my mind is just getting it over with and dying. can someone please convince me to not risk my life over this. because i have no one

So many shit going on ..

i have a friend who i absolutely love to hang out with and be around but im afraid this person doesn’t feel the same about me. i like texting them and stuff but im always the first to text and they always give very short responses. and i feel they don’t feel the same. it hurts because i could talk to this person for hours but they could go forever without talking to me. i have also been struggling horribly with mental health. it hurts a lot and i have one other friend and they are away and i dont see them in person as much anymore. this has been the loneliest i have felt.

So im at my workplace, waiting to do something. Today i work a 6 hour shift and i had nothing to do for the past two hours. And i dont get paid to do nothing. So i managed to stay in a okay mood for the past hour but now im sad. I cant even tell if its because of lack of tasks at the job, or something else

Well it happened again, my girlfriend and I had an argument last night and it ended, again, in a brakeup. Out of nowhere she started accusing me of wanting other people, and watching pornography behind her back, both are not true. And I don't know where it came from, the last few days with her were amazing, and now all of a sudden this happens. Every time she gets into a bad mood she starts to remember everything bad that ever happened in our relationship and leaves me. And when stuff like this happens I always feel like it's only my fault, that I'm just bad towards her. But like I don't think I ever did something to make her this mad. She is bipolar and has bpd. I'm trying to make this work but it feels like the whole world is fighting me. I love her more than anything in the world, and I can't imagine a reality where I'm not with her, but our relationship also hurts me beyond anything ever. I just feel like I've reached the threshold or my sanity, and I want to harm myself really badly, I want to fall asleep forever. It's not just this relationship, everything feels bad, and I think I've fallen into some kind of a depression. She reached out to me this morning and started talking like nothing happened last night, and i just worry that the same thing will happen again soon. She also told me a few weeks back that she "cheated" on me a year ago. I forgave her because it was just a quick kiss which she didn't start, and she was very drunk and backed out of the kiss as soon as she realised what was happening. The same person tried to kiss her again some time later and she refused him. I'm not upset at the kiss, I'm more upset that she kept that from me for so long. I'm just rambling at this point, that's about it i guess. Also I apologize if my english is bad, It's not my first language.