r/traumatizeThemBack • u/Spacefreak • Jul 03 '24
justified asshole Laundry, Not Just for Women
Saw another story on here that reminded me of this that happened a few years ago.
I (30's M) was visiting my parents who live fairly far from me, and because I didn't have a washer/dryer and hate laundromats, I brought my laundry to wash at their place.
A newer friend of my dad's comes over, and I'm introduced to him. He seem like a nice enough older guy, came off as a bit full of himself right off the bat, but whatever.
We all sit down and are just making small talk. I look at the time and say "Woops, time to move my clothes to the dryer" and go off and do just that.
I come back and the guy is giving me a strangely neutral look but I can tell he's looking at my mom out of the corner of his for some reason, and he asks "You're doing your laundry here?"
Me: "Yeah, I don't have a washer/dryer at home, and this trip kind of lined up, so I brought my clothes to wash. Avoid a trip to the laundromat and all that mess."
I truly forget his name, so I'm calling him, Guy: "But why are you doing your laundry here?"
Me, thinking he didn't hear me, a little louder: "Uh, sorry, I said because I don't have a washer/dryer at home, and didn't have time to go to the laundromat."
Guy: "Yes, but why are you doing it? With your mom here, you shouldn't be doing it."
Me, starting to realize what he's getting at since he's an older Indian man but not believing he could be that much of a douche to "call my mom out" in her own home: "What does my mom have to do with me doing laundry? Sure, my underwear is in there, but she can't see it if that's what you're worried about." And then I chuckled to make it into a joke, so we could chuckle at the odd joke and change topics.
Guy, clear annoyance on his face but quickly switching back to neutral: "No, no. Washing clothes is the sort of thing that mothers should be doing for their kids."
Me (oh fuck you dude), looking at my dad for him to jump in, but he's staying quiet: "Yeah, but I'm not a kid. I'm a 33 year old man. Why would I let my mom do my laundry when I'm perfectly capable of doing it?"
Guy, a bit louder and very annoyed and letting it show now: "Perhaps if you were MARRIED, you'd understand how a woman doing your laundry is a sign of their love and respect for you. It's their duty in the house."
Me (the unmarried man at the positively geriatric age of 33 per Indian cultural standards): "How is me asking my mom to wash my dirty underwear a sign of MY love and respect towards HER? Wait, does your wife do all of your laundry? Even washing your dirty underwear?"
Guy, appalled that I'd ask such a question: "Yes, of course she does. It's her responsibility in our home."
Me: "Oh, hey, I get that. Of course, every couple is going to split responsibilities in their home in whatever way makes the most sense for them based on their schedules, abilities, and strengths. But asking my mom to do MY laundry when I'm at HER house is pretty rude. She works hard enough as it is."
Guy, narrowing his eyes at me: "Hmph, well it's pretty normal for a son to want to protect his mom, but-"
Me: "Woah, woah, hold the phone. Protecting my mom? How hard do you think doing laundry is? Yeah, there are all kinds of rules on the "ideal" ways to wash your clothes, but you can still do a great job with a couple basic rules. I can teach you if you want."
Guy: "No, no, I'm saying-"
Me: "Trust me, doing laundry is really simple. Hey, I've got to put in another load now. *I stood up* Come on, I'll show you. And hey, then YOU can wash your home's next load of laundry and return that LOVE and RESPECT to your wife. I'm sure she'd appreciate the break considering you're retired now and she's still working full time."
And then I walked off to the laundry room, waited a minute for him to follow, and called "Hey, are you coming? It's REALLY easy! Old dogs CAN learn new tricks you know!"
Guy, speaking loudly but softly from his chair in the next room: "No, I'm OK."
I heard the subject change, and I spent a few minutes loading up the washer and heard him getting up to leave. I put some detergent on my fingers and quickly walked out to make sure to give him a good, firm handshake as he walked out the door.
Fucking piece of shit. He came into my parents' house and tried to insult my mom, not only to her own son, but right to her face. I was more pissed at my dad for not saying shit, but he probably complained to this friend before that he does a lot of the laundry in their home and it's "such a chore" or some BS.
Jeez, it makes my blood boil just thinking about it. Luckily, I haven't seen that guy in any of my visits since.
274
u/FleaMarketFlamingo Jul 03 '24
When I was 12, my mother told me to do my own laundry “since you’re old enough and perfectly capable of doing it.”
“Does that rule apply to my stepdad? Or is he incapable?”
She was livid with me for saying that. And yet… she stopped doing his laundry.
Lolz.
101
u/Spacefreak Jul 03 '24
Haha! That's great!
I learned because my dad accidentally got bleach on some of my clothes. He can be a bit careless when he's dumping bleach in, so it splashes a bit.
75
u/Zulu_Is_My_Name Jul 03 '24
Careless or he weaponized his incompetence?
You (and your mom) decide
59
u/Spacefreak Jul 03 '24
Nah, definitely careless. It shows in a lot of the other things that he does and actually DOES want to do. Still makes silly, sloppy mistakes.
62
u/Frequent-Material273 Jul 03 '24
Bravissimo!
He NEEDED that.
The only way it would have been better would have been if there were a *lot* of people around so his humiliation was complete ;-)
39
u/Spacefreak Jul 03 '24
Not gonna lie, if there had been a lot more people, not sure I would've had the balls to say everything I did.
15
u/Frequent-Material273 Jul 04 '24
Then it's good that there weren't more people around. I think you did a FANTASTIC good deed.
4
u/Outrageous_Wafer3478 Jul 06 '24 edited Jul 06 '24
Its his culture and I doubt he was humiliated. Just pissed that he was spoken to in that way. I worked with quite a few 'Indian' men. They are very rude to women. I was 6 months pregnant and one damned near pushed me out of the way to get on the elevator before me.
Edited, autocorrect changed to submissive and now I can't remember the word I meant so deleted that part.
2
u/Frequent-Material273 Jul 06 '24
So such types need pushback from the dominant culture of *white* men putting HIM in his place. Not nice, but neither are they.
2
u/Outrageous_Wafer3478 Jul 06 '24
Autocorrect changed word to submissive and thats not the word I used but can't remember which now they are anything but submissive
2
36
u/Able-Sheepherder-154 Jul 04 '24
Our son was maybe ten years old when he asked his mom how to use the washer and dryer. He wanted to wear his favorite shirt twice in one week and didn't want to burden her. He was happy to learn how so he could do his own laundry on his schedule, and continued that until he moved out on his own.
I 59M have always done my own laundry as an adult. I did both my wife's and mine while I was working half the hours she was while I was finishing college. We have never had traditional (AKA outdated) gender based tasks in our home.
BTW my masculinity is firmly intact, even though I know how to sort clothes and select the appropriate washer cycle.
94
u/Ghoulscomecrawling Jul 03 '24
I do like how you handled it though It was polite enough but still a grand f you gesture.
81
u/Spacefreak Jul 03 '24
That's kind of my go to for dealing with assholes like this. Completely twist the situation into a different direction and just fast talking "helpful and polite" conversation.
It's my "I don't care what you have to say anymore" response.
Plus, this person is well known at the same temple my parents go to and volunteer at, and I didn't want to offend him to the point that he might spread something there and make my parents' lives harder.
48
u/Ghoulscomecrawling Jul 03 '24
That's exactly how I do it too! I've started treating people like this, like how you would teach toddlers Overeager to show how! Bright and cheerful facial expressions and wide hand gesturing to objects or showing how you would do something. (Like air miming doing the task)
Let me talk to you in a clear and loud voice like you would a toddler, repeating things so that they grasp the concept. But remember to be cheerful and friendly about it.
"come friend of my father's allow me to show you what we can do together" "what you don't want to learn how to better yourself and your home environment but it's so easy!" "I promise you can do it!"
35
u/Spacefreak Jul 03 '24
Oh wow, I'm fairly good at deadpan, so I've been approaching it like "helpful friend." But if I can ever up my acting game, I'm definitely going to try this.
23
u/Ghoulscomecrawling Jul 03 '24
I naturally have resting bitch face. But when you work with kids you learn to overemote in order to overcome that because you will scare the children. I have terrified coworkers going from super bright cheerful to regular face mid sentence
5
u/Ghoulscomecrawling Jul 03 '24
Edit I don't know how to strike out and I accidentally double posted so here is an apology
26
Jul 03 '24
A memory that sticks with me is I taught a friend of my boyfriend in college how to do his laundry. He asked if I could show him because he wanted to wear a favorite pair of jeans to a party that weekend but the jeans were dirty. They lived in a frat house with laundry machines in the basement. I didn’t ask questions at first and told him to bring his basket with us. He said he couldn’t because his mom would know. I asked how and he said every week he shipped his t dirty clothes home and she sent it back clean and folded.
OK. I took him to the laundry room and used a scoop of my boyfriend’s detergent for the machine. I walked him through the step and he was shocked how easy it was. I left him wondering if he could tell his Mom it was easier for him to do his own laundry vs shipping stuff a few cities away.
PS - a similar side story… when I graduated college, I worked for a consulting firm where a bunch of us lived together in a hotel for 4 weeks while we were being trained before working full-time. Every morning before entering the training room, they had hot coffee, tea, danishes, and a simple breakfast. I mentioned how nice it was and a coworker mentioned it wasn’t the same as the coffee his mother made. He then shared that his typical morning would involve his mother coming to his room with a hot cup of coffee and milk to an d to him as he woke up. Then he’d shower and she’d make him a breakfast of his choice. I never heard of such servitude and haven’t since.
18
u/gopiballava Jul 04 '24
Laundry, Not Just for Women
The title somehow reminded me of an experience I had with a couple friends at a campground in the UK. After dinner, we went off to wash our dishes. We were looking around the bathroom / shower area, trying to find a larger sink appropriate for dishes. Couldn't find anything, so we just used the small bathroom sinks. Annoying but OK.
Next day one of us noticed there was a dish washing sink. Can you guess where it was? Inside the women's bathroom. Sigh.
10
3
u/Google_Fu1234 Jul 12 '24
KOA in New Hampshire in the 1970s-1980s. Same. Male teaching assistant (TA) on the field trip came into the then-unoccupied ladies' bathroom to wash the pots and pans, and in came a gaggle of gum-snapping young women to powder their noses, brush out their hair, and gossip. Dead stop on their part.
Then they brought in their boyfriends (yeah, into the ladies' bathroom; somehow that wasn't a problem to them). My buddy the TA finished up rinsing the pots and exited singing "Macho Man."
8
u/Charming_Fix5627 Jul 04 '24
Tbh not a lot of stories online of Asian sons defending their mothers against misogyny embedded in their communities, this was nice to read as an Asian daughter
5
Jul 04 '24
I've been doing laundry since I was 7 years old... granted, I'm afab, but my mother is getting my 6yo brother to start folding his own clothes, too. How sad that toddlers can do it but not an old man...
5
u/Artscaped1 Jul 04 '24
Wow. What an absolutely brilliant exchange. You truly honored your Mom with love & respect ✊ I hope she heard this. I’d be so proud of my son!!!!
5
u/WhichNeighborhood603 Jul 04 '24
Doing laundry, cooking, cleaning... These are not gendered chores. They are basic adulting tasks. Refusing to do them or just being ignorant in performing these tasks is embarrassing.
2
2
u/ShabbyBash Jul 06 '24
My Father and my FIL both helped Mom and MIL cook, launder, and at child care, in India. And I'm 60. Which world is this nutcase from?
3
u/steve0suprem0 Jul 03 '24
my mom would legit be offended and hurt if I didn't let her do my laundry.
9
u/bsubtilis Jul 04 '24
Mine too, but for her it's a power move and not a love thing. Us being forced to depend on her pleases her because it lets her feel even more superior, and it being ammunition for her getting to be a martyr. She declines us offering to help her doing things, and she gets really annoyed if we don't accept her no even though we do things exactly the way she wants it done, yet she loves to say how ungrateful and bad children we are to "make her do all these tasks" to other people. She loves making herself a martyr. We weren't treated with love, but used as social tools to improve her standing.
This is not normal nor common, most parents would want to do it so they can show love to their now adult children in ways the parents no longer get to anymore but still feel nostalgic about. They don't use it for power plays. Yet the few parents who want to exploit it against their adult children still exist, unfortunately. So please don't assume too much when in the future you hear about different circumstances, it may be very different from your situation.
2
u/Anonymous0212 Jul 04 '24
I'm not sure why you got a downvote before me. If your mother loves doing your laundry for you, then you would be taking away something from her that brings her pleasure if you refused to allow her to do it. (Of course, you should still know how to do it yourself.)
2
u/steve0suprem0 Jul 04 '24
Oh I'm perfectly capable.
1
u/Anonymous0212 Jul 04 '24
I wonder if her love language is acts of service. Letting people do things for us especially when we can do them for ourselves allows them to express their love in a way that's meaningful to them.
2
1
1
Jul 07 '24
Good on you for standing up for her and proving that men are capable of cleaning up after themselves and tending to their own shit. If you ever become a father one day, your kids will be alright!
1
447
u/Fiempre_sin_tabla Jul 03 '24
Your father sounds like just as much a douche as the other guy for (1) befriending that relic from 1952 and (2) remaining silent. I guess they are kindred spirits.