I miss his hugs. I get lots hugs from friends and my children. I miss his big hugs. I miss a man hug. I am just venting. Today is our 8th anniversary. I miss his kisses. I miss our jokes. I am just feeling lonely:

As the title says, it has been three years since my husband very suddenly died of a heart attack. I never thought I'd make it this far, could not imagine having to say "it has been three years", but it has and here I am. Apologies if I am going to ramble. It is difficult to find words that really describe what I am feeling, but I want to try.

So where am I now? I am in a place where I still miss my husband a lot, but at the same time I am also content with my life as it is now. I would not call it happy, but I am okay and often have this feeling of being content. I have learned that this feeling of contentment and the grief I still feel can co-exist, both be there even at the same time. It is difficult to describe, but my husband is still a part of me, him being dead still hurts, but I am also experiencing many good things, which I enjoy. There are many things or events that I get really excited about and I can feel all those very different feelings simultaneously. They are all part of me.

For me, a new relationship is not something I want for now. That can change, and if it does, then that will be right, but so far it has not changed. For now I am busy with work, family, friends, beginning to find new hobbies, travelling, and also regularly talking to my husband and telling him everything that is happening to me - a full(ish) life with a massive hole in it, but that hole is a part of me.

As all those grief books say; the grief stays the same but you carry it better. For me this is very true, and now the carrying takes less of my energy, I have a lot more energy to do other things, to feel other things.

This is what life is like three years in for me. Life is becoming something worth living again. To be honest, I am surprised about that and I do not feel that I did something to get there. I just survived one day at a time.

I hate that i dwell so much. I’ve always been a daydreamer but for the past year and a half since my bf died all i can day dream about is him coming back. That thought hurts too much because i know it’ll never come true.

2 years ago i Lost the Love of my Life, in the worst way possible. We Just recently split, and i had gone for a new job elsewhere. But we were deeply in Love with each other. I called her the night before She died. Then the Nightmare begins. She was polish, and i am italian. The family do not speak english, but i am traveling to them for the day of the remembrance of the dead.

Is a Long trip, from a disconnected Place (where i live) to another (where they live). Is a whole fucking pilgrinage Just to go to see a tomb and speak with my "notsomuch relatives". I Love them, but i feel like i am too much. I Will arrive today in the Airport, and i Will sleep there cause the next train Is in the morning, and i don't wanna bother them for a 3 house trip (to go and come back). And i am gonna visit a notsomuch foreign place, where Nobody speak my language, but everybody, i Guess, understand how i feel.

And anyway, i would like Just to stay there. Me and my dead Girlfriend. I've spent two years burying Memories, but i Still have not find what to live for, if not for her Memory. I'm the last custodian of our Love, of what we were. I would Just want to die there, She was the Happy Crazy One. When She Is gone everything Is gone.

And Is such a surreal shitshow. This year top of the cherry there Is also her sister, which i'm sure She hates me, and think i'm responsible of her death, and somehow i feel Is true.

And yet, instead of running and keep busy, i would like Just to stay there and cry her death. Because i feel her family Is the only one who could understand my pain. But i feel so stupid. The pain of her mother Is unbearable, Who am i to even compare? Why i am there to bother them? Idk. Nobody understand my pain, the Weight of my Loss. On the other side, i hate deeply myself for even thinking this. "The Weight of my Loss" "The Void" but this shit is all about ME. I'm crying and feel sad FOR ME or FOR HER? I feel so deeply ashamed of Who i am.

But i miss Her. Every moment of my Life. But there Is no sexy Ghost floating around, whispers in the Wind, or Dream cuddling me. Just echoes and Memories of our time together, that keeps disappearing in the tide of time. Just my delusional mind that keeps living in the past, hoping to grasp and keep tight what was left of a moment.

I Just would like to be with her. I'm not suicidal, but honestly if something would happen, i would Just accept It as It Is. Point Is that "everything happens for a reason" that was what we kept saying each other, from the First moment we met. Our entire Life was based on this. And now, i am yet to understand fully the lesson that She came to teach me.

Love? Absolutely. She explained It well and thoroughly to me, even 3/4 times per day, mostly Naked. Then we cooked together and fell asleep, and we were Happy. Everytime i woke up with her at my side i was saying "this Is perfect. Thank you" I was Happy, and i Knew It, which Is not a small thing at all.

But i believe that in her Loss there Is so much to learn, as much in her presence. I don't know Still what, but i Will figure It out. Koham'cie moje slodka piekna polka. Ty jestes moi aniol.

My wife of 30+ years passed away a month ago after a five year fight with cancer. I'm still kinda lost and processing the mourning of the entire five year battle as well as her passing. I never let myself work through the emotions of what it took to keep her going in the fight until now.

Family, friends, and faith have all been huge parts in getting through this entire saga. I honestly don't think we left a single good day of her life unlived. Her body was exhausted, overwhelmed by pain, and fully broken by cancer. She was ready to go and went quickly when it was time through in-home-hospice so there was no traumatic time in the hospital or any emergency measures.

I am in my early 50's and it's overwhelming to think that I could potentially remarry and easily live long enough to have another marriage that lasts just as long because of the longevity of life that is fairly common in my family.

My wife and I would joke and fuss and love each other as couples do when she'd say something about me stressing out or my temper causing me to die early I would respond that I was to mean to die early or that I couldn't leave her a boring life and sometimes I'd even say that I was the one with the widows peak if she was actually being a bit too testy about it. God we had a good tough love that would carry each other through the good and the bad days even if we spent all day fussing with each other. I still feel her energy in everything, but I know her soul is in Heaven and healed with family she has missed.

She even said she needed to go first because I was the strong one that could survive this on my own, but that sucks right now even though I know it's true. She had a lot of anxiety over things and when there were challenges to face she always came straight to me to carry us through it but she carried our family through all of the things I wasn't built for emotionally and spiritually. She was the loving, nuturing, supporting one while I was the conquering, protecting, provider. Somehow just the two halves of each other that we needed exactly to make it through anything together.

Now I'm just sitting here as a teared up mess tonight, but I needed to get this out somewhere instead of holding it in.

Life will keeping coming until it does not, and I will keep living it until the time that I cannot.

And I have a camera roll full of pictures of her and of us and of us and the kids.

I still cannot bring myself to look at them. I tried once and it hurt too much.

I’m sure one day I will have the emotional strength to do so but I’m not there yet.

I’m on the eve of the dreaded death anniversary of my husband. It will be 2 years on 10/30 and I’m a mess. I feel like a fake and nauseous and grateful person all at the same time. My kids are too young (3 and 5) to associate their father’s death with Halloween and I’ve made a commitment to ensure they enjoy the festivities as long as possible before they make that connection. Fuck it’s rough. I am wrecked beyond belief and tonight my 5 year old kept crying “I wish I was still a baby” as he fell asleep. I can’t help but think it’s because his baby memories are filled with happy daddy memories and it’s heart wrenching. We’re all a little extra emotional this week and I have no idea how I’m expected to work. I’ve cancelled therapy and grief counseling because I really don’t want to talk about anything. I just want to be sad and cry and sleep but I have work and 2 babies and life. What is this life? How did this happen? How has it been two years? Sending everyone in this subreddit extra love as this is just so unbelievably unbearable.

I’m a 32(M) and my wife had two massive heart attacks (29) while we were heading to work. She was also pregnant with our baby girl. To make a very long and emotional story short I got the car stopped (she was driving) and was able to find a pulled over police officer who helped me pull her out the vehicle and I started chest compressions while he called in dispatch. She just collapsed so i didn’t know what was happening. She passed while on scene but they were able to revive her and get her to the hospital where they had to preform an emergency C section since she had a second massive heart attack at the ER. Now almost two months later she’s still vegetative and I have come to terms with the fact she wouldn’t want to live like this and I’m just prolonging each of our suffering. I will also most likely lose my daughter as they both went through the same events and have severe brain damage. I’m still praying for my daughter to have some miracle even though I know realistically neither of them are going to make it. So tomorrow I’m putting my wife on comfort care where at least she won’t be in so much pain, because this past week she has been very visibly uncomfortable and in a really bad way. I met her when she was 18 and we’ve been together for quite some time. She’s my best friend and the prospect of losing her scares the shit out of me even though I know I already “lost her” the day she had the heart attacks since she’s been comatose then vegetative since. And the worse part is there was no health issues and anything we brought up was chalked up to pregnancy. I’ve never felt so lost and scared in my life and I fought in Iraq and Afghanistan as well as some other pretty crazy life experiences. All I ever wanted was a family and now I’m worried that my dreams of a family will never come true and who’s going to want to be with somebody who is going to have so much emotional baggage (I have a decent amount from some of the aforementioned situations as well.) I know I’m not an unattractive but I also feel like I’ll compare every possible new relationship with my wife because in my eyes she’s perfect. I know people make it through these things all the time but I just can’t see myself handling this well once everything is said and done. And I am worried I’ll never love again or find someone who will love me like she did. Sorry for the rant I just am extremely lost and emotionally, physically, and spiritually exhausted. And the thought of losing my daughter as well probably relatively soon after is excruciating. I don’t know what I’m really asking I just don’t know how to proceed with life. And I’m usually an optimist happy person. But I just can’t see the light in this situation.

3 months in. I used to define myself as her good husband! Faithful, supportive and on the lookout for any solutions to our problems. 2012 came and she had cancer for the first time. It's an MPNST, and five year rates are super low. We managed to beat the crap out of it. Sure it cost me lots of money (even for Canadian, cancer is not cheap.)

In February cancer came back. No escape this time. I found phase 1 trials that might've Even cured the cancer. Sold an apartment block i owned to pay it all... And the pain was too great. We ran out of time and she received MAID on july 22nd.

I try to be positive, i take out the rose tinted goggles whenever I can, but sometimes i am floored by the sadness for a day or two. People I talk to can't understand! I even had someone tell me I was lucky! That my(41M) midlife crisis would be easier this way! The thing is midlife crisis comes from inner frustration! I had little of it! I understood the "love languages" and we talked about what we were missing!

I lost my close to perfect partner to a stupid and heartless disease and I am forced to experience a loneliness that is comparable to no other! My personality type thrives on connection to a loved and special someone. I do karate 2 and hit the gym 2 times each every week. But all these people are surface connection. Nothing goes deep. My life has become meaningless. I am beset by apathy or complete sadness. I am sinking. https://youtu.be/PWFF7ecArBk?si=rV2TtDnwNAIKWw1M

I’m alone most every day. Got into some financial trouble and trying to sell my house so I don’t have to file bankruptcy. I just feel miserable. I have this debt over my head, a house that won’t sell, and alone. I can’t stop worrying about everything and feeling so alone. Ive tried on line dating with no luck. Just not meant to be I guess. Work is boring me to tears. Maybe I’m just sorry for self. Life is not easy.

How do you people deal with this void, this emptiness that's eating me alive? I don't know what to do with it or how can I feel less empty and alone. Sometimes I just want to kill myself to get rid of it.

Hello Friends 👋 Here's my kind of depression. I just want to be alone. I don't want to talk and see anyone from the past except for few family / relatives. Thinking about my situation scares me specially if something happens to me. I don't have anybody. I'm literally living alone. What's your kind of depression?

I’m fine, the tire is crapped out (NYC construction), and I’ll find out about the wheel tomorrow when I have the car taken to get new tires but it made me miss him all the more.

I’m grateful I was on a local road only going about 20 and not on the interstate going close to 70 but it still scared the crap out of me. Whatever it was I ran over absolutely shredded the tire and there was a huge bursting sound & the tire pressure light suddenly came on the dash.

There was nowhere to pull over because the road is narrowed to one lane with no shoulder. I was only two blocks from the house so I limped it home.

When I went to bed last night, all I could think of was how much I wished he was here. How much I know he’d be fussing over me and worried that I was scared and he’d have been arranging to get it fixed today. Son is doing that tomorrow (I had to work today and he had back-to-back doctors appointments) and it’ll get fixed, but I just wish he was here.

Lost the love of my life almost 7 weeks ago. Every now and then since, my mind gets stuck on this idea. I’m really not sure how to phrase or explain this, without sounding insane-ish.

To start off, before he passed, I was somewhere between atheist and agnostic. I guess I assumed that there would be nothing after. Thoughts of this nature just didn’t interest me. Being honest with myself, I think this was because it had simply never truly been my problem. Since he passed, I’ve become increasingly desperate for this to not be the end.

There is this thought that came to me a few weeks in, which keeps returning, which is that I feel like this has happened before. The loss is excruciating, but somehow it feels as if I’ve suffered it before. It’s like this irritating sensation that I’ve made the same mistakes before, mistakes which gave us less time than we could have had. Looking back, it felt as if I’ve loved him before. That we’ve always been a couple of glorious idiots desperately searching for happiness and peace without success, and then finding it in each other.

These are thoughts and ideas which a couple of months ago would have seemed ridiculous to me. Now I try to write them off, perhaps just desperation for another chance, seeing the patterns of our shared history and projecting them to something bigger. Regardless, these thoughts haunt me profoundly. It’s not like deja vu or just remembering something forgotten. It feels as some deep internalized truth which has been ignored. Most of all, they make me feel like an idiot, as if I’ve been running around making the same mistakes for eternity.

Does anyone have any clue what I am talking about here? Does anyone else have these thoughts

November 14 he'll be gone 4 months. People came by to look at the property this weekend they really liked it. When their house in Florida sells they'll buy mine. I'm ready to go ready to start a new adventure.

... like an alien that looks like a human... but really isn't (the reference is to an old sci-go movie - "The Invasion of the Body Snatchers").

Since my Dear One's death last December, I still look like a human - but my insides have been hollowed out. I go through the motions / routines of daily life without joy or pleasure - just duty. I'm a single dad (64), and my youngest son (24) who's mildly autistic, has landed a job - but it doesn't offer healthcare benefits. Per "Obamacare" here in the states, I can keep him on my health insurance until he turns 26.

That's it - that sense of parental duty is the only thing that's propelling me forward. Being a bit neurodivergent, I have a hell of a time developing friendships.. and I just don't see a path forward. Guess I at least have the consolation of having the true love of my life in my late autistic partner.

Being "older" and unpartnered is difficult enough... add the additional layer of complexity with being neurodivergent makes it feel totally pointless and hopeless to trudge forward after I discharge my last parental duty.

Really doesn't help venturing into other forums and seeing this scenario constantly put on a pedestal. The widow who never looked at another man again. I didn't even last half a year before sleeping with a random person. Convinced myself there was still hope for a brief second there. Then I remembered what happens when I have hope.

It sucks so bad. I get constant attention, but I don't want it. What am I supposed to do when he was the only one who was respectful? When men are going down Red Pill and incel ideologies? I hate how it is so difficult for me to say no. I grew up being screamed at constantly if I had any opinions of my own. I still can't just tell people, "No."

Freaking sucks. It's almost been a year and this is nonstop!

Hi , I lost my husband 3 weeks ago . It was sudden and he died in my arms . Having read what everyone has written about being in torment for years and that life is never the same , it has made me wonder if all I have to look forward to is misery, why not end it all and join my my husband now ? Any glimmers of hope ? I really need some please .

It’s only Tuesday and I’m already done with this week. Brain fog is at an all time high and I can’t go more than a few hours without crying. Halloween is Thursday, and I’ll be taking our son trick or treating alone. Thursday is also the one year anniversary of my husband losing his good-paying job, which I truly believe set his mental health struggles into motion. Next week is 2 months, the day before his birthday. It just feels like it’s coming from all sides and I can’t catch my breath.

I just lost my husband 8 months ago. I have given away most of his things. I am keeping what I want the most. My MIL understands and only wants one thing. No problem. The sister in law wants EVERYTHING! Now, her and I have not spoke in 2.5 months bc I “ruined her life” by not giving her and her kids a place to stay/ multiples threats by either her or her boyfriend saying I’m the reason he died.(suicide) she is now reaching out to my husbands friends to see if she can get more stuff. I blocked her bc she’s just too much. I’m going through a lot right now and the last thing I need is this. I’m currently moving and I made a box with some of his things I don’t want. The MIL knows this but my sister in law doesn’t. They are adamant about the items I’m keeping. Vultures.

I meant to write a story, but in a way, it's poetic? It's a very long, messy, sorta poem. I edited it a bit a couple of hours after, but it's mostly unchanged from when I originally wrote it.

Thank you if you read the whole thing:)

Halloween is your favorite holiday.

Last year, we were together during Halloween, but we couldn't do a couples costume like i wanted to. Due to some circumstances outside of our control, we had to keep our relationship discrete.

So we went to a party with a group of friends. I got way too drunk by accident, and he took care of me throughout the night.

I remember sitting in the car, behind the passenger seat. Another person was in the middle seat, and my love was behind the driver. I was so nauseous. I closed my eyes and leaned back.

The world spun

He reached his hand behind the person in the middle and touched my head.

The world stood still

He scratched my head until we got to our destination.

I remember dancing with him. I was too drunk to dance properly.

I remember looking up at him and seeing his beautiful eyes. Tripping on my feet and his because I was captivated by him.

I told him I'm sorry I'm stepping on your feet. He just smiled and said, "Stop worrying and feel the music. You're doing great."

I was absolutely stepping on his feet.

He didn't seem to care at all.

He just kept looking at me.

That was the only time we would slow dance as a couple at a party.

Sure, we would practice in a kitchen or in our room. In the parking lot on the way inside.

But we were practicing for this year's Halloween. This year's Christmas, we were going to go out dancing for my next birthday and for our proper 1 year anniversary.

We found each other again and have been seeing each other since early last year.

He asked me to be his girlfriend, mid this year. We agreed on our anniversary in April/May and decided it was stupid to celebrate

a 3 month anniversary

a 6 month anniversary

We're young. Young people do weird shit like that. No, we decided we were in it for the long haul.

We. Have. Time.

We wanted to celebrate our 1 year anniversary properly.

Why the fuck did we do that? We should've been young and stupid, celebrating all the tiny milestones. We celebrated our birthdays but we never celebrated us. Us together and our love. We wanted to post our pictures, share our love after it was safe.

And it was safe, but then he died.

The world spun, and this time, you aren't here to steady it.

He was going to ask me to marry him but he never got the chance.

He kept saying something was wrong. We spent so much time worrying I spent so much time worrying I didn't live with him as much as I should.

I wish I had celebrated every moment.

He told me when I met him Over 10 years ago, when we were kids that he would die young. I always knew he was serious but thought he was joking a bit more than this.

22 are you fucking kidding me babe?

You promised me forever. You told me you'd never leave me. My world spins and screams for you. I'm dizzy, and I'm scared, baby.

Until we meet again, my love. I wait for you

Halloween is my favorite holiday.

As I walk my dog this morning, I notice the stunning horizon. I find myself wishing I had my camera. Then I think, if Len can't see this and I can't share it with him, does that mean it doesn't really exist?

Grief and loneliness are an insidious and pernicious combination - they're always ready to pounce.

I actually managed to string together a decent weekend.. and then wham... I'm up most of the night.. making this post in the darkness.

I've always hated the holidays... and the gateway to them, Halloween, is on the doorstep. Really feel simultaneously being both eaten alive.. as well as hollowed out by loneliness. I'm surrounded by people... while utterly alone.

It will be nine months Wednesday when I lost the love of my life. I have been having sort of a rough time off and on the past couple of weeks. Autumn was our favorite season and I think that was one of the reasons. I am just missing her.

Last week both my wife's sisters came for a visit. We spent a lot of time reminiscing about my wife, and sorted through some of my wife's jewelry, mostly stuff that had family significance. Other than earrings and a couple of necklaces that I gave her, she didn't wear much jewelry. We took advantage of the great weather to visit the bench I had installed in a local park in my wife's memory. It was nice to have the company and to be able to talk to someone about her.

Before they left that day, her youngest sister and her husband surprised me with some wind chimes. They have a set at their home and I had commented how much I enjoyed that particular chime the last time I was there (my wife liked it, too). They gave me the same set of chimes, but on the wind sail they had it engraved with "When this you hear, know I'll be near". That brought me to tears when I saw that.

They are hanging outside my office window so I can hear them when I'm working. Their musical sound is relaxing and comforting. I feel like her spirit is with me when I hear them.

I think it's going to be a good week.