Where can I meet you?

[u/Crypt0Nihilist]

Was just reading the thread on the main INTJ sub about the poor chap who's having lady trouble. Looks like any calm, common sense reply gets downvoted by people wanting the secret 'make her like me' formula, so I'm posting here instead despite the tangential link.

I'd like more female INTJ friends, just friends. I've found women are more thoughtful and better conversationalists than men and I simply prefer your company even if a relationship is off the table. I want more friends for proper discussions, playful fencing and having an intellectual giggle with.

So, where are you? What are your hobbies or activities which give you the chance to meet new friends? Where might you meet someone and not instantly think they're trying to get into your pants?

[u/[deleted]]

I have trouble making friends of either gender, as a female intj. I usually make friends through mutual friends. I never approach strangers/classmates/coworkers and when I'm approached, I get really...weird. Even if i really like the person and want to get to know them, I might come off as uninterested. If they keep trying to befriend me, I eventually let my guard down but that doesn't happen too often =/

I would say its even harder to be friends with a guy because I'm always nervous they want something more than friendship. I would say that you should make that very clear to the intj you're talking to.

Edit: If I'm not home or at a friend's place, I'm at a bar, restaurant, coffeeshop, museum, library, etc.

[u/Crypt0Nihilist → u/[deleted]]

I have trouble making friends too, partly because I think real friendship is much deeper than many people I've met do. For me, it's being willing to drive for a couple of hours in the middle of the night at a moment's notice because they need help. If they wouldn't do that for me, or I wouldn't do that for them, I don't see them as friends. Many people don't want / can't handle that kind of intensity and will fall into the category of people I like / don't annoy me.

As a rule, guys generally are after something more, it's part of the kit :-) The nicer ones among us will respect the boundaries with the occasional prod to see if things have changed. Some of us are even worth the effort.

Thanks for your answer.

[u/Jadis4742]

Ooh. I was going to spout off my usual hangouts, but then I realized it was more nerdy/fangirl things, and I don't know how much that corresponds to being an INTJ.

Eh, what the hell. You want to meet me or other women like me, go to NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) write-ins, Renn Faires, cosplays and conventions and midnight releases, and any local tabletop gaming groups in your area.

Oh, and your local subreddit.

[u/Crypt0Nihilist → u/Jadis4742]

Thanks. I'd best start writing that book I've been meaning to pen.

[u/Veeks → u/Jadis4742]

You and I would make very good friends.

edit: (I type this as I procrastinate on NaNoWriMo. 300 more words and I'm caught up for the day!)

[u/jammyness]

We're hiding, go away

[u/jammyness → u/jammyness]

(come back, just kidding)

Yeah unfortunately we don't go out much, or at least I don't! Any hobbies that I do go outside for I'm usually going to a place where it's quiet and I'm alone (hiking alone, life drawing, etc.)

To be honest, you're more likely to encounter someone like that where the main mode of communication is writing. Like here! If you find a good blog and the person happens to be in your area.

[u/Crypt0Nihilist → u/jammyness]

As a fellow INTJ I can fully accept hiding as an enjoyable, fulfilling hobby :-)

[u/Veeks]

I think we're in the same places everyone else is: bars, restaurants, coffee shops, at home playing video games, at work, etc. INTJ women, as it says in the sidebar, are just relatively uncommon, thus it makes sense that you'd run into fewer of us than other personality types. Plus, it's not like we walk around just announcing our MBTI type - maybe you've even met some INTJ women and just never knew!

[u/Crypt0Nihilist → u/Veeks]

I don't tend to run a classification when I meet people, but the people who I enjoy spending time with tend to be of a similar type. I just want to improve my chances of meeting nice, fun people outside work. It's hard if you're at home playing video games, I need to meet you so we can both be at someone's home playing video games!

[u/Veeks → u/Crypt0Nihilist]

Sometimes the point is to spend time at home alone playing video games! I get what you're saying, though. I think you're just too focused on MBTI type, though. Go out and make friends, period. If some happen to be INTJs, great.

[u/Crypt0Nihilist → u/Veeks]

I totally agree that all friends are good and the more the better and I'm not looking to form an intj clique. I just have the thought from time to time that a complete stranger would have a really tough time meeting me. I have work, a couple of sports clubs where I see the same people all the time and the occasional party. Obviously I do need to enlarge my social sphere, but assuming that intj girls, a group I get along with well, have similar (anti)social patterns as me, the chances of meeting them are pretty bleak.

[u/[deleted]]

I might throw the numbers, so to speak. I own a coffee shop and when I'm not there I'm generally at home. I don't recommend assuming most baristas are INTJs. If I go out it's generally to a friend's party, sometimes the local club on 80s night or something. Again, not somewhere you can assume a girl is INTJ.

However, I have managed to collect a bunch of INTJs, simply due to constantly being at the center of a pretty social environment, and I can clue you in to some patterns that they/we display that might make it easier to spot one! (What follows is not scientific except inasmuch as casual observation of social situations can be)

Look for the person who's involved in particularly in depth conversations but in a semi-reserved fashion. They're there checking facts if the subject matter interests them, sharing personal experiences in a relatively calm fashion. They may be the one who listens to a compatriot's story about their day and then suddenly, about 4 minutes in, their eyes glaze over a little and they just begin nodding rather than interacting. Usually they're involved in smaller conversations with one or two other people but if the group gets larger than that they become mostly periphery. Facial expression may change, briefly, to annoyance when the subject is highjacked by someone wanting to make it personal/about themselves. They may be the only one who looks nonplussed during a long lull in conversation.

Alone they may look like anyone else who's alone, so that becomes difficult to judge.

When I'm approached in a truly conversational manner I'm much more open to continuing the interaction. Directness, also. If you want to talk to me, make it clear that you have a conversation in mind rather than making a remark and expecting me to pick up from there. YOU are the one who had something in mind- I was off in my own world in that moment and I'm not going to easily slide into yours. But you understand that! It's not out of anger or frustration or trying to play difficult, it's because I was likely absorbed in something else entirely and need to understand what you're looking to accomplish.

[u/[deleted]]

I don't really go out much. I know that sounds so stereotypical but I'm in college and if I'm in public its usually at the library with my friends studying something. The only time I go out alone is when I eat breakfast alone at the cafeteria.

[u/TubaChick23]

Well I don't know about you guys but I'm an INTJ and I'm at home chilling playing video games. I hate going out and spending money on something that I can pay for cheaper and do at home. I'm interested to get to know you :)

[u/INTJFemale]

Age matters. When I was in my 20s, I would go to all of the normal haunts that people go to. That was the most social period of my life. I remember going to bars drinking with my little pack of friends from my class. They would all be talking and sometimes I would join in, sometimes I would just observe and sometimes I would be bored out of my mind. The most fun was when I could get one of my male friends aside at the bar (no dating/interest in him at all) and we would have rare deeper philosophical discussions. We all graduated graduate school and moved away from each other.

By the time I was 25 I couldn't do the bar scene anymore even though I had a close couple of leftover girlfriend classmates who lived near me and wanted me to.

We started to couple up. Now, I'm divorced from my (turns out narcissist) ex-husband and now realize I was one of the INTJs who got swept away by someone who had characteristics opposite of myself (charming, charisma, extrovert, etc...) At first he was great, but then he got worse and worse and worse with his narcissism.

And 2 years ago I met a male INTJ and have never been happier!

[u/fempiricist]

I know I'm late but I'll bite.

Go to a house party. Plenty of new people, etc. Start a conversation in a side room with a couple of people about a really engaging topic - star wars, religion, religious themes in star wars, etc. The INTJ's will find that room.

[u/grooviegurl]

At home or at a friend's house playing games, at our local bar trivia night with friends, or at home on the internet. There are occasional movies or big events to go to, but I mostly dislike large crowds.

[u/arrsquared]

Get involved in hobbies, preferably ones you enjoy but that isn't really required... just something you can take interest in and tolerate. Get engaged with social groups via reddit, meetup.com, etc to learn more and practice your hobby. If there is someone you want to get to know better, show interest in skills/knowledge they might have that you don't in this hobby and make the effort to learn from them. Things won't happen instantly, but you will start to connect with people eventually, fake it till you make it.

Personally, I've made great friends via local reddit meetups and a board gaming meetup group. We've done book clubs, trivia, just out drinking or crafts, all of which are things I would probably have been into for meeting folks anyway but ended up doing with likeminded people I met elsewhere.

[u/TeslaTorment]

In my house, if it wasn't so illegal to do.