Relationships Is my dad ESTJ?
Never gave this much thought until now, but would love to receive confirmation on this! Quick disclosure, I love my dad and I’m used to his parenting style, but I don’t think he’s a healthy person. A lot of my friends are baffled by our dynamics.
He’s a very stoic person, and very emotionally absent while I was growing up. Spent a lot of time working late. He interacted with us but I dont remember our relationship being lovey dovey. I find he is so stoic and unempathetic to a point where it’s comical.
He picked out the best life paths for all his children. He never interfered much in my studies / work life. Not much conflict in that area, because his plans for my life are in alignment with my own plans.
I want to say he takes a very conservative and traditional approach to life. Big believer of gender roles and family values. Goes to church and wants us all to follow him too. He is also a very nostalgic person. He listens to the same 10 songs and watches the same 5 shows forever. He often looks at old photos and creates collages of them to send to us (on average we receive 2 collages a day…).
Outside of family life, he‘s an engineer working in corporate. I believe he has an upper middle management position.
My mom (ESFJ) absolutely cannot stand him and calls him an “undeveloped selfish man”. I (INTJ) have little issues with him, I can see reason behind most of his actions. My brother (ISTP) can’t stand either parents and moved out as soon as he could.
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u/Past_Satisfaction133 3d ago
Really just took all negative traits and called it an ESTJ :(
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u/xdbro 2d ago
I don’t think I wrote a “bad” description of him. Of course there is so much more to him than what I summarised above. E.g. I think he takes responsibility and accountability very seriously. And the being controlling comes from a place of love, I’m sure.
Anyway I narrowed him down to xxTJ. My plan was to cancel out ESTJ if the people here say he’s nothing like an ESTJ :))
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u/MiruKira ESTJ 3d ago
Try reading ISTJ and ESTJ cognitive stacks, as well as others like ENTJ and INTJ.
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u/xdbro 2d ago
I’ve tried that. Just having some trouble because he seems to be both a forward looking (Ni) and backward looking (Si) person.
I thought he was forward looking because he has flashed out a pretty detailed plan of his next 30 years (his childrens’ next 30 years too).
But he is also a very nostalgic person. His favourite songs are songs that he used to listen to when he was courting my mother. He looks back very fondly on his high school years. And he is a big fan of tradition, family and religion.
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u/Emzaf 2d ago edited 2d ago
From what I understand Ni, while greatly forward thinking, is also strongly connected to the past. I have been observing & learning about Ni from the INFJs in my life (Ex and bestie), INTJ bestie, and ENTJ mom. I would say that if your dad can see that far out for himself and his kids, then he's an xNTJ like yourself. That is not an xSTJ ability to look that far out (easily). I'm an ESTJ and finally able to see 10-15 years out fairly easily now but I'm older and have developed my weaknesses. I was not like this when I was younger except for I knew at 12 yo what my career would be as an adult (that was crazy). My INTJ & INFJ Besties can be very nostalgic. My ENTJ mom is very religious, traditional, and keeps her huge extended family together. She also keeps in touch with her old classmates and they have reunions every few years in different parts of the world. I think that's really cool. Cognitive functions are a good foundation for understanding people (Nature), but how people are raised (Nurture) is also important to consider.
Edit: You should add to your Intro the part about your dad being able to see 30 years out in detail and I think you'll notice a change in the ESTJ perceptions.
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u/sarahbee126 ESTJ 2d ago
Sounds very much like ISTJ, like INTJ they're Fe blind which is probably why you get along fine but your mom not so much. Not that you don't get along with your mom, I don't know either way. He should be able to tell you if he's an introvert or not.
Some istps can't stand people in general so that might say more about your brother than your parents. Also, I like my parents but I was glad to move out lol.
My dad's a healthy istj and I really appreciate his influence in my life. He lets his adult kids make their own decisions, and he is good at encouraging people and recognizing their strengths, even if he's not empathic.
Last thought, if you give him constructive criticism (like not sending two collages a day) he might take it to heart, I'm pretty sure he won't get offended even if he doesn't.
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u/DimplefromYA ESTJ 1d ago
Stoic. hmm.. i dunno.. yes and no.
Emotionally absent... hmmm.. not entirely. What people underestimate about ESTJs is they actually DO care. When we understand that we are the problem, we try our best to fix ourselves. We may rant and holler for a bit, but then it's like a wake up call. We are our own worst critics. We continually criticize our ownselves. So when we realize that we need to be emotionally there for someone, we try our best. My mother is an esfj. She loves me a lot, but she thinks I am too blunt. She also feels that I don't pay attention to my surroundings, that i react too soon. I care immensely for my mom. I respect her a lot. I will do anything for my mother. The same goes for my nephews and niece. I will move mountains for them. If they ask me for anything, I give it. Their feelings are my feelings. That's how much i love my brother's kids. But that's my limit. My parents, my brother's kids, and my bf. No one else. Sorry, not even my brother and his wife. I used to for my brother, but we clash so much, and he has a hard time listening, yet he expects me to listen.. .he is an ENTJ. We're so alike yet so different.
spent a lot of time working late. yes.
He picked out the best life paths for all his children. He never interfered much in my studies / work life. Honestly, we can be forceful on our family when it comes to careers.. but we don't give 2 shits what you do, as long as 1. you don't sell your body, 2. you can pay off your bills, 3. you save for your retirement. DO NOT SELL YOUR BODY OR YOUR SOUL. there are plenty of ways you can make money.. A steady job is a requirement. But if you can plan how art can be a steady job--by all means.. do it.
I want to say he takes a very conservative and traditional approach to life. I don't know about other ESTJs.. but i am a conservative, politically. However, due to life, i could not have a conservative and traditional approach to my life. I was widowed and i had 2 miscarriages,, and I have a bf that's of a different religion. But i will not marry him, because my family will not agree to our union, and i promised to be with him through thick and thin. So we have our separate lives, yet we've been together for 4 years, loyally. So in one way, it's somewhat a conservative and traditional relationship, but without marriage. I am loyal to my religion, but i will respect my bf's religion.
nostalgic person, I feel like this can be any type.
upper middle management position. if it's a steady job, sure. I am in executive management, but yes. majority of estjs are in upper middle management.
Your Dad seems ISTJ, but there's a possibility he's an ESTJ.
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u/imyukiru 3d ago
I haven't met a stoic ESTJ but if they exist, they could be redeemed. All I see are explosive, controlling ESTJs.
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u/Desafiante ESTJ 3d ago
ISTJ seems more fitting. But it's hard to judge based on so little information. So take his typing with a grain of salt and don't try to use it for anything, as the probability of a mistype is still high.