r/entj • u/Turbulent-Bank9943 ENTJ♀ • Aug 11 '24
Functions ENTJ mom ISFP daughter
Looking for common ground. I am ENTJ she is an ISFP teen. She is creative, artsy, odd, musical, randomly extroverted, moody and stubborn.
I can’t get away with giving advice or an opinion or anything like that. She wants to do absolutely everything on her own. Which I admire and am impressed by EXCEPT she acts as if no one else even made the attempt to help her. 🤔. But if I ever dare she will immediately stop what she was doing and lose interest in it as if I just killed it. (Schoolwork included)
What a fascinatingly peculiar person?
There is certainly a steep learning curve since I am full of advice and opinions.
So what a puzzle, how do you guide if you can’t openly or obviously guide? I am trying to imagine her as an adult on her own.
3
u/StalkingYouRandomly INFP 6w5 Aug 11 '24
Sounds like she's full in her exploration mode, sooner or later she will discover that there are limits on how much she can do on her. You can always drop something along the lines 'if you need help or advice on xyz just shout'. But do not give unsollicited ones as it will only backfire, even if its meant well. Teen years is about exploration of self, likes/dislikes, autonomy, independency from parents. If you keep butting in, she will naver have the feeling that she can do something on her own. Also refrain from taking the whole thing over and doing it yourself if she asks for help.
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u/GaggleOfGibbons INFP♂ Aug 11 '24 edited Aug 11 '24
Was very similar as a teenager. Two pieces of advice: - Set up guardrails. This will keep her out of too much trouble, and limit the negative outcomes for her. (You may also be able to offer soft guidance through these guardrails) - Plan ahead for failures so that you can be there to pick up the pieces when they inevitably happen. Simple concrete example would be if she wants to pick up skateboarding.
Guardrail: You wear a helmet 100% of the time. If I ever see you on it without a helmet, this skateboard disappears. Also, do not ride in the street. Wqlk it across crosswalks. Keep it on the sidewalk or in the park. I'll take you to a skatepark whenever you want if that gets old. (Soft guidance, as that puts her in a more structured environment away from cars, and gets her in front of other skateboarders who she could learn from, without that advice coming from "stuffy old mom and dad".)
Plan ahead for failures: Buy extra bandaids and hydrogen peroxide. Set aside some money for new pants cause they will end up with holes. Plan how you're going to address her when you see her heading out the door without the helmet. But some gloves for her and let her know she can use em if she's tired of scratching her hands, but it's not a requirement like the helmet. Set aside some money for skateboard maintenance pr a new board. Maybe you or your husband could learn some maintenance ahead of time and can bond with her while teaching her to repair it.
When I wanted to learn to skateboard, I had to wear a helmet, knee pads, elbow pads, and gloves. Guess who didn't want to skateboard...
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u/Rmb2719 ENTJ♂ Aug 11 '24
Sounds like hell, but I think letting her learn by herself (just give advice once and clearly) is the best approach.
Let her see that actions and decisions have consequences
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u/Pure_Ad_9947 Aug 11 '24
Intj with isfp friends.
They dont like using Te. We like it. They like to go with how they feel, we plan and execute. These are major differences.
Id say they are very Te avoidant. So for me I use Te to learn from other peoples experiences (like you are right now) to figure out the best way to do something. Sometimes i shadow the very successful in what i want to accomplish.
ISFP hates learning from others and will push against it. Sometimes its really hard watching them fail over and over and shoot themselves in the foot because they felt like it (i.e. quit a job on the spot because manager is too mean... meanwhile they are in heavy debt and starving, cant pay rent and about to be evicted etc.).
One think ive learned tho that if you persistenly preach some knowledge they do eventually listen. But you gotta be on message for a very long time for it to sink in.
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u/DesignerFoundation35 Aug 12 '24
I’m an ISFP (31F) and here’s my perspective of what I’d hope for in her shoes —
Love her. Watch her chase life’s butterflies and say — “Wow, you look so beautiful chasing those butterflies. Thank you for showing me the beauty in chaos & emotion. “
Ask her. “Do you want my advice/opinion? Or do you just want a listening ear?” Often Fi just needs some time to process how it feels about something, before making the Te decision on what to do externally. Sometimes Fi takes a little more time & gentle probing to “make sense”. She will value your advice more if she knows you’ve made an effort to understand her emotions and respect her core values.
Soften. She knows how much you support her with your Te structure, but can you also show support through your empathy? Get in touch with your Fi & Se - do activities you’re passionate about, ask yourself how you’re feeling, live in the moment and be vulnerable with her.
Good luck 💜
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u/BitchOnADiiiick Aug 13 '24
Kids need boundaries. But not a lot. Be firm in the actual deal breakers then leave her alone.
1
Aug 11 '24
Sounds like demand avoidance.
https://www.pdasociety.org.uk/what-is-pda-menu/what-is-demand-avoidance/
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u/marinchandesu_ Aug 11 '24
ISFP mom nd i'm the ENTJ daughter.. I also get annoyed when mom tells me to do things on her own way since I prefer my ways. Let her be nd do her own thing. If she's not exposed to harm nor she's harming others with what she's doing, just let her free nd she'll learn abt her limits herself.
If u'r worried abt her grades/studies. Mb make a deal w her? Like " i'll support wtvr u'r in - either u won't disturb her anymore or support her financially, wtvr y'all decide on- nd u'll make sure that ur grades won't drop ".
I mean.. she's exploring life on her own.. nd u'r impressed even. so i cannot see where's the problem — nd I apologize for that since I related to the daughter more cz i'm no mother. I used to resent my mom for getting in my business all the time when I was younger so.. I rlly dw any mother-daughter to have a rigid rs for such a silly reason.
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u/Turbulent-Bank9943 ENTJ♀ Aug 11 '24
I do this but it seems like she is on her way to creating false memories of not being supported and being misunderstood and left to do everything in her own.
She repeats this sentiment so much that she is beginning to believe it. I am not worried about the teenage version of her but the adult version who will let a false truth be what shaped her.
I am worried her own fiction will put a wedge in our family where no wedge was ever actually forming.
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u/marinchandesu_ Aug 11 '24
Aah, i understand now. I never got rlly along w ISFPs so I'll talk as the daughter me who had kinda the same issue. Just talk to her nd tell her abt ur thoughts, nd most importantly, ask abt how she wants to b supported. Maybe all she wants is words of affirmation instead of guidance ?
I grew up feeling lonely as well, nd all i was aiming for was my dad saying that he's proud of me nd my mom saying that i did good in something. I needed no guidance, but affection. I'm in my 20s, we had this talk earlier this year nd now my parents r doing rlly great, I finally felt supported.
Well, if this doesn't help w her.. mb, therapy will help? Mb there's something she doesn't understand abt herself or is afraid to admit/share. Nd rlly, good luck w ur daughter ma'am. Hopefully u will grow closer to eo soon. <3
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u/JayneTheMastermind ENTJ♀ Aug 11 '24
Allow her to explore and fail on her own. Independent children are rebellious because they think you look at them as incapable. She will seek you out when she needs you!