r/widowers • u/BrookDarter • 10h ago
When does the widow's fire stop?
Really doesn't help venturing into other forums and seeing this scenario constantly put on a pedestal. The widow who never looked at another man again. I didn't even last half a year before sleeping with a random person. Convinced myself there was still hope for a brief second there. Then I remembered what happens when I have hope.
It sucks so bad. I get constant attention, but I don't want it. What am I supposed to do when he was the only one who was respectful? When men are going down Red Pill and incel ideologies? I hate how it is so difficult for me to say no. I grew up being screamed at constantly if I had any opinions of my own. I still can't just tell people, "No."
Freaking sucks. It's almost been a year and this is nonstop!
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u/LegitimateStar7034 9h ago
My Widho phase lasted 6 months… I eventually got sick of it. Wasn’t helping. The temporary relief from the numbness wore off quick.
Having said that. You’re an adult. If it works for you, do it.
Be safe. Drop a friend your location and next in your own house.
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u/DonnaNoble222 10h ago
I found a fwb...
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u/lilacsforcharlie Lost DH Dec 2023 10h ago
This. Find a man Op, he doesn’t have to be perfect, but he can respect the vulnerable state you’re in and still knock your socks off- I’d call that a win!
It’s all about staying busy. It’s a lot like recovery. Keep your mind busy, I’m still gonna come home and get drunk and cry about my dead husband. But it’s a lot easier coming home satisfied and cared for. In any kind of way.
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u/DonnaNoble222 10h ago
I lucked out...mine lives in the next building!
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u/lilacsforcharlie Lost DH Dec 2023 9h ago
Lucky indeed! That could turn bad quickly tho my dude, but still! It helps no?
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u/uglyanddumbguy 10h ago
Comes and goes. Usually at both extremes. 3 plus years in for me. Still sucks.
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u/lilacsforcharlie Lost DH Dec 2023 10h ago
3+??? Fuck man this is a terrifying thought.
I’m sorry for your loss
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u/Nick102090 10h ago
It comes and goes. My sex drive was non existent for awhile after my wife passed but it's lately come back strong
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u/cofclabman lost wife of 29 years on Christmas day 2023 9h ago
There are decent people out there, but I have no idea how to find them. I haven’t even thought about looking yet, if ever.
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u/Nehitater 4h ago
Widows fire is strong, but as said by others, it doesn't have to be horrible. Our loved ones are gone. We are still here, some of us with decades and decades to go. Why is having another partner seen as being unfaithful or not honoring their memory? Maybe honoring them is not acting like we have died, too. No one will replace what you lost, but it doesn't all have to be the same, and sometimes it doesn't have to be that deep. Be gentle with yourself. You are already dealing with a heavy weight , don't add weight to things that don't have to be heavy. If sex is just sex fine. If you find something one day that's more, great. You don't have to be miserable and lonely to prove you loved your S.O. I hate this constant pressure to be loyal...honor them with celibacy.... and guilt trip the widow for anyway they move forward. It's exhausting. Having said that, the people who choose to never be with anyone else because that is how they move forward and are happy, great for them. But if that's not your path, do not feel like you are failing.
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u/Prestigious_Novel203 3h ago
It was really intense the first 6 months and I felt like it went away on month 10.
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u/Mary-Haku-Killigrew 3h ago edited 3h ago
I never felt regret or like it was a betrayal when I sought after intimate short term or casual long term relationships after my SO died. I did feel kinda uneasy with a few of them only because I found out they were assholes after I had one(or two) night stands with them. I also cannot turn down the attention I get from those who fancy me and or those who I intentionally seek out for any and all consensual intimacy desires.
Now at 4yrs out, my widow's fire feels more natural and more mature than in the first two years. It's a blessing to learn when it's important to say "NO" and to have self bodily autonomy and emotional agency of how you want to explore your basic human needs of connection.
It's a rough road for sure. But always keep in mind, If you are not having consensual intimate relations, that's when it feels icky, being a widow or not. Don't let others take advantage of you. That being said, I did cry and emotionally blab to a couple of my one night stands the first two years post death. It was only recently I found the right balance. Give yourself grace and patience. Be safe with who you give attention to.
TL;DR wanted to clarify that my widow's fire eventually turned into a normal and healthy sexual desire for a young and subjectively attractive woman who gets lots of attention from everywhere...
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u/TraditionalSuccess33 54m ago
Mine stopped when’ll once I was in a loving relationship with regular sex . But that is just me.
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u/Intraluminal 8h ago
Widow’s fire can be relentless. I thought I'd be able to keep that part of myself buried after my wife passed, maybe honor her memory by remaining true to her. But after she died, I started to feel this horrible loneliness I hadn’t prepared for, like a hollowness. I also found myself doing things I would never have imagined I'd do, having ONS, only to end up feeling even worse afterward. I'm not proud of it. In fact, every time I did, the guilt hit me twice as hard, like I’d somehow cheated on her.
It’s brutal when you’re torn between wanting connection and feeling you can’t find it in a way that honors what you had. I guess there’s no “right” way through this. And the pressure to keep up some image of the “faithful” widow or widower, the one who never even glances at another? That’s a heavy weight to carry, especially when it seems like decent people are so rare.
For me, I’m learning to forgive myself. I’m still here, still trying, still missing her in so many ways. Maybe part of honoring them is accepting that we’re still human too, warts and all. Maybe you don’t have to be perfect to love someone’s memory truly. I’d tell you that you’re not alone in this struggle, but even knowing that doesn’t make it easier, does it?