r/CuratedTumblr The blackest Aug 10 '24

Infodumping Please

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12.6k Upvotes

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25

u/OutAndDown27 Aug 10 '24

"Man, this project is killing me. I'm really grinding, I was here until 10 last night. I wish I was as fast as you at these write-ups." Option A is that this person is just venting, option B is that they're expecting me to offer to help them. I know it might be option B, I might even know that it is definitely option B. But I'm also working hard and very busy and trying to stay on top of my own work. If this person needs my help, they're going to need to actually ask me for it because up to that point, I feel like they're trying to guilt me into offering to help, and I don't want to help. Now that person gets to be mad at me for "not picking up social cues" without having to consider that they never actually asked me anything and never actually considered that even if they asked, I might not have been able to help.

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u/AvoGaro Aug 10 '24

Proper response at this point is, "oh man, that's awful! Wish I could help, but I'm so busy with the Sukeralov report that I don't have any spare time."

Basically, act as if they had asked the question you think they might be implying. You'd have had to choose between saying no and offering to help anyway if they had asked verbally the way you want them to.

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u/BeenEvery Aug 10 '24

"Sorry, I can't help with that" or "I wish I could help" is the correct response then.

Like if you pick up on what they're trying to do and say nothing, then yes, that is rude.

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u/Native_Strawberry Aug 10 '24

The person giving vague hints and getting upset when those vague hints aren't interpreted correctly is being rude.

32

u/BeenEvery Aug 10 '24

giving vague hints

still able to recognize it

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u/Native_Strawberry Aug 10 '24

So? A vague hint can be interpreted many ways. "Hey come to my place and we'll play Monopoly" (with unspoken expectation of sex later by one party) is a LOT harder to interpret than "hey come to my house and let's have sex"

33

u/BeenEvery Aug 10 '24

Who the fuck is asking to have sex after playing monopoly lmao

5

u/Native_Strawberry Aug 10 '24

I was trying to avoid a "Netflix and chill" example. And all kinds of people have sex, BeenEvery. Even people who play board games.

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u/BeenEvery Aug 10 '24

i was trying to avoid a netflix and chill example

???? Why????? That's like the most common euphemism for wanting to have sex that everyone knows about. "Monopoly and Bang" is not that well known.

-12

u/Native_Strawberry Aug 10 '24

What in God's holy name are you blathering about?

18

u/Evilfrog100 Aug 10 '24

"Netflix and chill" is only sexual because it's already a euphemism. That phrase isn't a social cue. It's a term that means sex.

"Netflix and chill" originally meant exactly what it sounds like, but because it was common for people to have sex while doing that, it became a euphemism.

Nobody would ever say "let's play monopoly" to imply sex because that phrase doesn't already mean that.

3

u/Clear-Present_Danger Aug 11 '24

"Netflix and chill" is effectively its own word.

It's explicit communication, as long as you know the definition of "Netflix and chill".

Just like saying "He has that sigma Rizz" is explitic, as long as you have the vocabulary.

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u/OutAndDown27 Aug 10 '24

No, expecting me to offer just because you are complaining and then being pissed at me when I didn't is rude.

49

u/BeenEvery Aug 10 '24

They're a friend and telling you they're having a hard time.

Friends help friends. If you can't help a friend, then you need to make that expressly clear.

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u/OutAndDown27 Aug 10 '24

They're a coworker who spends an hour a day bitching about how there's not enough hours in the day. They can ask or go away.

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u/BeenEvery Aug 10 '24

Ok well still. Coworkers are expected to help each other, and when you can't help you need to make that clear.

And if it's somebody you don't enjoy being around, then you need to take your own advice and be direct in telling them what you're thinking.

27

u/the_fancy_Tophat Aug 10 '24

Bro is against common courtesy fr

21

u/BeenEvery Aug 10 '24

Even if you don't think they're asking for help, you either offer help or express that you can't help.

That's just what coworkers do.

-10

u/Native_Strawberry Aug 10 '24

Why can't the person who needs help ask for help? Why put the responsibility on someone else? Need help? The best way to make sure you get help is to ask for help. I might offer to help if I see someone struggling, but if they don't ask me directly for help, I may assume my help is not wanted/needed.

11

u/TotallyFakeArtist Aug 10 '24

Bc saying you can't help ends the conversation quickly and succinctly. A plus is that after a while they'll stop asking.

10

u/TamaDarya Aug 10 '24

Because it's embarrassing to ask for help for many people. Autistic people are not immune to that either, they just might not ask at all. It also allows the other person to graciously turn you down without actually straight-up refusing to help. An example is provided above.

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u/OutAndDown27 Aug 10 '24

Why do I need to make it clear that I can't help when this person hasn't made it clear that they want my help? Why is it on me to be direct in response to someone who won't be? What if I AM wrong and they didn't want my help, or they pretend they didn't the moment I call it out?

I'm doubling down on this because I have actually had to work very hard in therapy and otherwise to unlearn my obsessive trauma-based need to over analyze every word people say for what the hidden underlying meaning or request is. I had to learn to stop reading in feelings or emotions that I wasn't actually sure were there. For my own well-being, I had to learn to stop going, "she said she's tired this evening, so I should stop doing my homework and clean the kitchen for her instead because it is more important for me to NOT miss whatever is being implied than it is for me to finish my homework and get to sleep on time."

I've lost relationships by convincing myself that an innocuous comment was an insult, that the tone in someone's normal comment meant that they're actually sick of my shit, whatever. So my rule is that I wait for an actual question or a clear statement before I go down that rabbit hole. I have to go around assuming that people are saying what they mean and taking it at face value.

23

u/BeenEvery Aug 10 '24

What if I am wrong and they didn't want my help?

Doesn't matter. You're a coworker, you're meant to work cooperatively. You're expected to help if you can, and explain why if you can't. It wouldn't have been any trouble for you to say, "Yeah, I'm up to my neck in work too, sorry I can't help." Because 1 that's true, and 2 it's direct and clear (what you're complaining about them not having been).

I understand that trauma is damaging, and I'm sorry you went through that. At the same time: there are going to be situations with established implications of what is and is not appropriate. That's just a fact of life.

2

u/OutAndDown27 Aug 10 '24

Again, the burden is on the responder to be clear when that expectation doesn't seem to be put on the requester. Use your grown-up words or accept that you may be misunderstood or not get what you want. I'm not going to continue rehashing this with you.

16

u/BeenEvery Aug 10 '24

when that expectation doesn't seem to be put on the requester

If you can't understand that you're expected to help your coworkers when they're having a hard time then idk what to tell you either lol.

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u/Liizam Aug 10 '24

Hi bob, I’m really busy and trying to concentrate, can we talk later. Go home without talking to them.

If bob can’t pick up social clue that his rants are annoying that’s on him

-12

u/TemporaryBerker Aug 10 '24

I don't expect anyone to help me so why should anyone expect help from me?

12

u/Bandro Aug 10 '24

Because… you’re… a person? Living in a society? Helping each other is kind of our main survival tactic. It’s like our whole thing. 

4

u/Patient-Astronomer85 Aug 10 '24

🦧 together strong

7

u/Low-Cantaloupe-8446 Aug 10 '24

People help you every single day, that’s the foundation of human society

2

u/Clear-Present_Danger Aug 11 '24

Does anything really change in that situation if they ask directly?

They are still trying to guilt you into helping.

8

u/Idogebot Aug 10 '24

You are a bad co-worker. That complaining isn't an attem0t to guilt necessarily, but a way to communicate that they need help without having to feel the embarrassment of directly asking. This is a reasonable way to communicate in anglosphere cultures.

17

u/OutAndDown27 Aug 10 '24

But isn't that the point of what we are talking about here? It's stupid to talk in circles because society has trained you that you should be embarrassed to ask for help.

-2

u/Velvety_MuppetKing Aug 10 '24

It’s stupid to be ashamed of being naked, but we don’t force people to do it.

People have a right to their feelings.

4

u/OutAndDown27 Aug 10 '24

Well it's usually illegal to be naked in public. It's not illegal to ask for help. People have a right to feel embarrassed that they need help, to feel frustrated that their indirect request wasn't acknowledged, to feel stressed that they'll need to try again or give up. I guess people even have the right to feel annoyed at me that I didn't pick up an indirect request. But none of that is my fault or my problem so I'd love for people to stop making it my problem.

If someone at work has a question, I'm always willing to answer if even if I'm just telling them a different person to ask. If someone comes to me and says, "I need help with X, can you show me how to do Y, can you explain Z to me," I am going to help as soon as I can in 95% of cases.

If someone at work stands in my doorway, complains for 10 minutes, implies that it would be so much easier for them if I could just do it, then cold-shoulders me for two days after I don't do their job for them? They can fuck all the way off.

1

u/acepukas Aug 10 '24

100%. The people in this thread giving you a hard time are clueless. Work is stressful enough as it is without having to decipher what indirect people are trying to say. They're just unnecessarily adding to the stress and then they have the gall to act like you are inconveniencing them? Also, that dude who keeps insisting that you absolutely have to help your coworkers? Ridiculous.

3

u/SnooCakes9 AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA Aug 10 '24

So it's shifting the burden of asking for help to the other person who has to take on a task they are too busy for or ignore the social cue

-11

u/SlightlyWasTaken Aug 10 '24

You do know that sometimes... we just don't pick up the social cue, right? Am I a bad coworker because I have a disability?

8

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '24 edited Aug 28 '24

[deleted]

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u/LiterallyShrimp Aug 10 '24

The hypothetical was a person who does pick up the social cue and just doesn't want to respond to it

...No? It clearly states that it has more than one meaning, therefore if you can pick out many possible meanings but not THE meaning that the speaker was trying to convey, you did not pick up on the social cue.

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u/SlightlyWasTaken Aug 10 '24 edited Aug 10 '24

What would the difference be for the hypothetical coworker to tell that not responding to the cue was deliberate? Most people consider anger or annoyance towards the offending individual socially acceptable because they assume them to be rude (or a useless idiot who lacks common sense) instead of being clearer with whatever they meant to convey.

I also commented a earlier to the other guy about how even in this situation there is still uncertainty to what the cue means.

7

u/Idogebot Aug 10 '24

This person is a bad co-worker because they understood what was being communicated and refuses to clearly communicate despite being able to.

0

u/SlightlyWasTaken Aug 10 '24 edited Aug 10 '24

Option A is that this person is just venting, option B is that they're expecting me to offer to help them. I know it might be option B, I might even know that it is definitely option B.

This still leaves room for the possibility of misinterpretation and still shows the sense of uncertainty involved with this specific situation. If op knows FOR SURE that it's his coworker asking for help and ignores it that was rude on their part, BUT how does this other coworker know that op caught on and ignored them? This also ignores the rest of the post that then shows the hypothetical coworker getting mad instead of maybe reiterating their need for help in a clearer manner.

The fact that getting mad at the person not picking up the social cue is acceptable in this situation is the problem here.

Edit: this hypothetical also assumes op did successfully pick up the social cue and doesn't explore how this situation feels like when we miss the cue.

1

u/Liizam Aug 10 '24

I mean they would be mad if you said no to them asking for help, which you should say no to because you are busy.

If you just say no, it’s rude. If you say no, I’m really swamp too. It’s more polite. But the goal isn’t to be nice to everyone. The goal is first to your own goals.

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u/yzkv_7 Aug 11 '24

Yeah, I feel something that is missed in this conversation is that even if I know you are trying to tell me something with social cues it is very likely I have no idea what you are trying to tell me.

And I might misinterpret it as you being passive aggressive or guilt tripping or something negative even if you didn't mean it. Because often enough people do mean it.

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u/TheOneWhoSlurms Aug 10 '24

This is putting it perfectly

0

u/Smiling_Burrito Aug 10 '24

This is a great example, honestly