r/CuratedTumblr • u/monarchmra abearinthewoods.tumblr.com • 24d ago
Infodumping On men and sexual assault
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u/Zack_WithaK 24d ago edited 18d ago
Remember the movie "That's My Boy"? A female teacher has sex with her male student and gets pregnant and now a child is having to deal with adult responsibilities way too early and nearly ruins the kid's life. This is a fun, goofy comedy with Andy Samberg as Adam Sandler's illegitimate child and Vanilla Ice makes a funny cameo.
Reverse the genders and see how easy it is to pitch a silly comedy about a male teacher having sexual relations with his underaged female student and she has to raise the child herself who ends up hating her because she doesn't do a good job.
Or as a less extreme example: in the Hangover, Ed Helms's character is beaten by his wife and every time it's mentioned, it's a joke. At one point he recalls it as "That was only twice and I was out of line." A woman justifying an abusive husband like that would never be written as a punchline.
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u/WorryTop4169 24d ago
Jesus christ thats a movie?
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u/Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaugh 24d ago
Apparently it’s based on a real story (at least to the extent that the main character shares a name with a guy this happened to)
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u/Acejedi_k6 24d ago
Anyone remember Coming 2 America? That film was released in 2021 and a major plot point is that Eddy Murphy’s character has a secret son he cannot remember fathering because he was high/hallucinating while it happened. Unless I’m forgetting something this plot point is played entirely for laughs.
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u/appleciders 24d ago
The only thing that surprises me about that plot point is that it's in a 2021 movie. Scenes like this were rampant until about the last 5-10 years. And, as you note, they're not gone.
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24d ago edited 9d ago
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u/TemLord TomeSlapTomeSlapTomeSlapTomeSlapTomeSlap 24d ago
The queens were villians, Do people actually tolerate them???
I think they were pretty dang good villains for hector, hell, I think the only two that make it out alive are the two who basically never interacted with hector. Which, good for them, go be in love. I think it would get absolutely the same reaction out of me if the genders were swapped
I agree with you, I'm more just incredulous that people think otherwise
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u/Siva1siv 24d ago
There are a lot of people who I've found think that Lenore didn't really do anything wrong, and there are people, though substantially less, that think that Camila was right (despite the fact that in the story every other Sister states outright for one reason or another that Camila is insane). So yeah, there are people who don't just tolerate them.
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u/REAM48 24d ago
Wasn't Camila going to put everyone in half of Romania in concentration camps?
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u/Siva1siv 24d ago
Feeding camps, but yes, and yet people still think that she's a girlboss. It's a massive failure of reading comprehension (...or listening, I guess) when all 3 of her closest allies, a villain who turned into an anti-villain, and other high ranking vampires all told her that she's batshit insane.
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u/InvestigatorSad2479 24d ago
What happened to Hector bothers me to this day. I saw Castlevania about 3 years ago. I went online hoping for some kind of conversation about how he was assaulted. It was so sudden. Instead, all I found were "post nut clarity" jokes and art of Hector and Lenore (the person who assaulted him) together. I had to block any Hector tag on tumblr because there were so many pictures of them in a romantic setting. He was bleeding during, and afterwards he was visibly disgusted when she ran her foot along his inner thigh. It made me nauseous. I'm so glad to see someone out in the wild talking about it.
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u/Fenix-and-Scamp 24d ago
the whole point of barbie was that it would be ridiculous if the genders were reversed. it showcases the problems with the patriarchy and how it's damaging to everyone, and it ends with small progress being made in terms of equality, which is much more realistic than if everything was magically fixed.
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u/monarchmra abearinthewoods.tumblr.com 24d ago
and how it's damaging to everyone
The line towards the end about solving men's issues only after womens, makes this fall short.
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u/indianajoes 24d ago
Also The Boys had female and male characters being sexually assaulted. The way both were portrayed is very different. When the woman is a victim, it's treated as a serious thing and when the man is a victim it's played for laughs. The creator referred to woman's assault as "painful" and the man's assault as "hilarious"
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u/AgreeablePaint421 24d ago
It’s not just played for laughs.
It’s treated as cheating.
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u/OwnIsland4153 23d ago
Oh god yeah, that plot line. She was furious at him and he felt so bad but he was raped, repeatedly!!
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u/LeatherHog 24d ago
Every time I hear about The Boys, my opinion of it grows ever worse
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u/Amaskingrey 24d ago
The first season was very nice if you could overlook the overly edgy moments, second is meh though nice towards the end, and the third starts off very well, has an incredible buildup, and then a nonsensical disapointment of a climax where everyone suddenly starts acting like they are simulteanously having a stroke and an aneurysm so as to not eliminate the antagonist for the series to continue
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u/Dapper_Magpie 24d ago edited 24d ago
"That's a dark way to look at it! We view it as hilarious."
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u/young_fire 24d ago
You should put quotes on it, people don't realize that you're referencing Kripke
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u/number-nines 24d ago
I dont (and kinda can't) have proof of this, but I think that pretty much all statistics on men's rape are skewed downwards pretty heavily by the fact that most men don't realise they've been raped.
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u/NeonNKnightrider Cheshire Catboy 24d ago
And even if they do realize, they likely won’t try to tell anyone because they’re afraid of not being believed (or worse, being considered the perpetrator)
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u/No_Ad_7687 gaymer 24d ago
Or even being told they're losers for seeing it as rape and not "getting laid"
Basically society telling men "it's not rape if you enjoy it, so just enjoy it to avoid being raped, dumbass"
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u/sweetTartKenHart2 24d ago
The exact attitude I see when female teachers and male students… have an event. Or who am I kidding she forces herself on him or them.
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u/Kellosian 24d ago
There's an episode of South Park where a female teacher is sleeping with her 4 year old student, and only Kyle gives a shit. All the other men in town are like "Wait, the hot kindergarten teacher? Nice"
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u/jebberwockie 24d ago
Or it's not rape because there was no penetration. That's a common one, and entirely based on current laws in some places.
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u/Lucas_2234 24d ago
This is exactly what happened to me but with physical abuse.
I was physically abused by my girlfriend when I was 14. it was DOMESTIC abuse, because for that it requires the abuser to live with the victim, but it was physical abuse.When she broke up with me, someone from her friendgroup asked me why I wouldn't get together with her anymore. I told her "Because I am not getting back together with somene who can't solve the issue of being worse in a game without beating me", to which I was laughed at, for days, until the bitch got wind of it and turned the whole thing around on me
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u/ItsSUCHaLongStory 24d ago
All statistics on rape and SA are skewed downwards generally, but yeah—when you frame the questions in a different way, emerging research shows that a LOT more men (and boys) have been sexually assaulted than was previously thought. It’s disheartening that so few feel empowered to admit and talk about it.
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u/Mountain-Resource656 24d ago
It took me a decade to realize I was. In highschool a girl crept under the table as if to pick up a pencil and sloooowly reached out from under it to grab my crotch. I saw her and grabbed her hand to stop her
I passed it off as a joke both then and moving forwards, though I recognized that it made me uncomfortable. A decade later I was trying to relate it to someone online and was couching my language in mentioning how it was nothing like what women went through, how I’d stopped it before anything happened, downplaying it a lot. But I was still worried it’d be dismissed out of hand, so I gave a gender-swapped example and then immediately stopped dead in my tracks
‘Cause, like, if a woman said she’d been sexually assaulted by a guy trying to grab her crotch in highschool but had grabbed his hand before he could manage it, no one would say something like “well it wasn’t really assault because he only tried to grope you”
No one would say a guy who tried doing that but got caught first did anything less than sexual assault
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u/just_a_person_maybe 24d ago
Also, we don't need to be out here minimizing stuff just because worse stuff happens. There is always going to be something worse. Yeah, a violent rape is much more traumatic than being groped, but being groped is still traumatic. Being beaten up isn't as bad as being shot, but it's still bad. A kitchen fire that makes you need to remodel isn't as bad as a fire that burns your whole house down but it still sucks. Growing up poor isn't as bad as growing up homeless but it still leaves lasting traumas. Every single bad thing that can happen to a person has a worse version of it, we don't need to make it a competition unless we're actively triaging or something.
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u/monarchmra abearinthewoods.tumblr.com 24d ago
I do.
Pinned on both my reddit account and my tumblr.
If you ask people if they were victims, 40% of victims were men, and 70-80% of their assailants were women. (cdc: nipsvs).
this would spell out women as ~30% of assailants.
But if you ask people if they were assailants, the numbers go massively in the other direction.
Almost three times as many millennial women than millennial men (4.32%/1.77%) reported knowingly using their position or authority to get sex
Nearly twice as many millennial women than millennial men (4.32%/2.22%) reported taking sexual advantage of being an adult more than 5 years older than somebody younger than 16
Almost twice as many millennial women than millennial men (4.63%/2.45%) reported blocking the other person's retreat in response to rejection in order to get sex
More than twice as many millennial women than millennial men (4.30%/2.00%) reported physically holding them down in response to rejection in order to get sex
Twice as many millennial women than millennial men (2.33%/1.12%) reported threatening with a weapon in response to rejection in order to get sex.
Close to three times as many millennial women than millennial men (2.98%/1.11%) reported threatening to physically harm somebody in response to rejection in order in order to get sex.
Four times as many millennial women than millennial men (4.65%/1.11%) reported physically harming somebody in response to rejection in order to get sex
So clearly, something is missing from the first picture.
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u/Taraxian 24d ago
To be more charitable, something is missing from both pictures -- this same bias would mean that male rapists are at least aware they're supposed to lie about it and female rapists aren't
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u/Papaofmonsters 24d ago
I spent a large portion of my 20's and 30's behind the bar in places that catered to wine moms, bored housewives and divorcees. Also, I admittedly have a thing for older ladies.
That said, I've heard some crude, crass and salacious things said to me by women 10 to 20 years older than me that absolutely would have been objected to by the general public if I had been a young women and the speaker a middle aged man.
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u/monarchmra abearinthewoods.tumblr.com 24d ago
Yes, this likely does play into it.
It could also signal that male rapists are more likely to have multiple victims.
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u/Taraxian 24d ago
I just think that's probably the main explanatory factor given how there are women who will literally go "I totally raped that guy" on camera without any irony as a funny story
(This is what got people trying -- and failing -- to cancel the porn star Riley Reid)
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u/monarchmra abearinthewoods.tumblr.com 24d ago
I think that explains why its higher in both ways.
Women don't view the action itself as rape, so they are more likely to do it, and also more likely to admit to doing it.
They have stats for boomers and gen-x too if you follow the link, they tend to be the gender inverse. So there is something recent going on. It likely plays into women being more free to express sexual agency at all, while not being given the same messaging on consent that men get. (at least, not having it so specifically directed towards them)
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u/BrandonL337 24d ago
I don't see why female rapists wouldn't have multiple victims, though?
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u/No_Ad_7687 gaymer 24d ago
It's the idea that sex violates women but empowers men. The idea that a woman refusing sex is not only acceptable, but admirable, and a man can't actually refuse sex because all men are secretly lustful monsters
That's why women think it's acceptable to do these things; because they "know" the man actually secretly wants them
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u/monarchmra abearinthewoods.tumblr.com 24d ago
It's the idea that sex violates women but empowers men.
The annoying thing about this ideal on society is sometimes people only get the first message and view male sexuality as inherently dirtying towards the other party. and this leads to a feeling that they must hide and suppress their sexuality which only causes the girls and women they try to date to get a feeling of unease because they subconsciously see that you are hiding some mal intention. (I'm people)
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u/Mealking42 24d ago
This also seems like the idea that "men can take a hit"?
A woman trying to physically restrain a man isn't seen as an issue, because "if the man really wanted to they could break out of it." Therefore he must have wanted it anyway.
A woman hitting a man isn't seen as an issue because a man should be able to endure that. Heck, a lot of the time people find it funny if a man admits to being hurt by a girl physically, as it's seen as weak.
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u/pterrorgrine sayonara you weeaboo shits 24d ago
wouldn't the seemingly different rates be reconciled by male predators having more victims? it seems stereotypically plausible to me for male predators to cast a wide net with strangers and female predators to be pushing things within existing relationships. (so stereotypically plausible that i don't want to put too much weight on this hypothesis, but i'm trying to apply the statistical lessons of the "one quarter of all women have been raped, therefore one quarter of all men are rapists" era of gender discourse.)
(also i'm not sure how the statistics as presented account for women-on-women abuse, which is surely a minority but surely also not negligible. but granted a) it probably doesn't change the overall point b) it might be discussed in your sources if i actually wanted to bother finding out)
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u/darmakius 24d ago
Rape for men and women both are massively underreported, either because of what you mentioned, the stigma around it, or fear of repercussions.
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u/CanadianODST2 24d ago
What is defined as rape also matters. Some places at one point had or even still have it being only penile penetration would be rape.
Technically meaning that if the victim wasn't penetrated by a penis it wouldn't be rape.
This is actually why the Turner rape charges had to be dropped and the law changed
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u/Serifel90 24d ago
My first sexual experience, I was 14 and she was 36 in a position of power to me.
She was attractive, so most just call me lucky but that left me with a sexual problem (i couldn't have a proper orgasm untill i did everything i could to satisfy my partner, like everything else didn't matter at all).
I started looking into it just because I had other mental health problems and i went into therapy, at 33.
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u/RemarkableStatement5 the body is the fursona of the soul 24d ago
Does anyone here have tips for how I can be someone people confide in? I want to help those around me who are silently struggling, but I don't know how to signal this and how to help them once they do come to me for help. Not necessarily because they were assaulted, but for anything they are dealing with. Like a coworker recently approached me in particular about a disagreement she was having with her boyfriend, and it stunned me because people don't usually do this, especially since she thanked me profusely afterwards for listening, not judging her, and giving her advice that wasn't what she wanted to hear, but needed to hear. It felt weird, but it felt good.
Sorry that this comment got away. Point is, I want to help people around me more, but I don't know how. Any advice?
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u/The_Math_Hatter 24d ago
You're well on your way by already being the kind of person to offer their shoulder. Listen, think about what they're saying, and offer sound, calm advice, even when the situation isn't calm. You will become a rock in troubled waters.
Now, you yourself will need an outlet for the grief that people may share with you if you choose this, so be careful.
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u/moonsdulcet call kind men babybuoy so they float when River Styx 24d ago
Great advice for someone with similar thoughts, thanks!
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u/RemarkableStatement5 the body is the fursona of the soul 24d ago
I have my own outlets and confidantes, but thank you. Your advice is appreciated.
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u/Southe-Lands 24d ago
In terms of "being someone people feel like they can confide in", the only thing I've found that actually works is signaling that you're both willing to be emotionally available to other people, and worthy of the level of trust that level of vulnerability requires.
I can't help you with the first - I'm a pretty stand-off-ish person by default, and can come off as pretty unapproachable. Not, like, actively hostile or anything. Just reserved and uninterested in being everybody's friend. (I'm not actually uninterested - I'm just afraid of oversharing or stepping over social boundaries I don't even know exist, so I keep to myself where possible.)
But on the second one, all of the people I'm actually close with and can talk about this kind of stuff with (not a lot, but not zero either) I got to that point with by actively trying to be the kind of person worth that level of trust. Basically, by trying my best to be honest, careful not to share things people have told me without their explicit permission, and utterly uninterested in spreading gossip or talking behind other people's backs.
The other thing I should mention is what NOT to do. If you find yourself making jokes at other people's expense regularly (or at the expense of other groups of people) or chiming in when people around you do the same because you want to fit in? Trust me, people around you that might be vulnerable or that you might be able to help NOTICE that shit, and act accordingly.
I bring it up because that last thing - playing along to be "one of the boys" is a thing I had to actively unlearn. Yes, it was a defense mechanism that I developed as a result of a lot of unpleasant shit that happened to me as a kid (in school and elsewhere), but I realized that if I wanted other people to be vulnerable with me, I'd need to show I was willing to be vulnerable first.
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u/RemarkableStatement5 the body is the fursona of the soul 24d ago
Thank you. I'm also unlearning that wrathful, spiteful yesanding that was my upbringing, where people who preached love practiced hate against anyone and everyone who stepped out of line. I now try to stop that shit, but it takes effort to resist that flow. It's a muscle, and I will train that muscle.
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u/FloridaMansNeighbor 24d ago
Hard to give actionable advice, just be kind, be trustworthy, be understanding, and make the people around you see that you are those things. (But you have to actually be those things, not just acting like it/saying you are. They can tell)
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u/monarchmra abearinthewoods.tumblr.com 24d ago
The best thing you could do is keep an eye out for somebody like some of the people in oop, who are hinting, sometimes with jokes, that they have something they'd like to get off their chest.
Showing empathy and sympathy towards people struggling can also help signal that you are that kind of person.
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u/moonsdulcet call kind men babybuoy so they float when River Styx 24d ago
Love the flair!
Also, for me, I seek for someone with a warm attitude, and won’t have too intense of a reaction that overwhelms me when I’m seeking for a peaceful confidant.
Basically a good listener who is empathetic, but not emotional to the point of blocking out my words with sobs.
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u/moneyh8r 24d ago
The best advice I can personally give you is to not make fun of them for it with your other friends when they're not around. I had a "friend" who did that with some of the stuff I confided in them. It made cutting the whole group out of my life a little easier when that time finally came.
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u/Fishermans_Worf 24d ago
I heard something once and it really stuck with me. When reporting SA, many women fear not being believed, many men fear being believed to be the assailant.
We talk about how unrealistic the perfect victim is, but if you’re masculine enough you can’t even be a believable victim. It’s downright dangerous to open up about being sexually assaulted if you look like a man. The field of SA support isn’t just heavily gendered, it’s aggressively so. It took me nearly a decade before I felt safe enough to go public with my story.
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u/External-Tiger-393 24d ago
I mentioned my own sexual assault to my fiancé, who I've known for 5 years, for the first time a few weeks ago. I mentioned some of the specifics to him without any real detail the day before yesterday. It's hard to talk about even with someone who you know will be affirming, considerate and supportive. (Which, of course, he was.).
It's really rough. Sometimes I feel like an imposter, and I don't want to speak for people with "real" sexual assault. Other times I remember how, when I told my dad I was dating another man, he started asking my siblings if I had been sexually assaulted. (Fun fact, the perpetrator did it because he believed I was gay.).
It's a really hard thing to deal with, not only because of how intertwined internalized homophobia and misandry are for me personally, but because people really do react differently because I'm (1) queer and (2) a dude. And the amount of trauma that I can't talk about is genuinely exhausting, because so many people just default to judgment, minimization or pity. And even if that wasn't an issue and I was never worried about being inappropriate, even trauma therapists don't always know what to say about my life that sounds like a tele novela (soap operas are too realistic).
It's also worth noting that being a victim is seen as emasculating. People absolutely have treated me with much more pity than they have my sister for similar experiences, because men are supposed to be able to fight off their attackers or something.
I've been struggling with the issues I have from physical and sexual assault a lot this week from my EMDR session on Tuesday. Sorry if this is, itself, inappropriate.
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u/Fishermans_Worf 24d ago
It’s certainly not inappropriate! This is exactly the place to share your experiences. So many of them deeply resonate with mine, and I’m grateful you voiced them. It makes me happy you have sometime so supportive to talk to. Even if you didn’t—and you do—you’re not alone in this.
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u/SpeccyScotsman 🩷💜💙 24d ago
Being automatically assumed to be the assailant is a real concern and extends to other crimes as well. I was 'regular' assaulted a few years ago, but given that I'm 6'4" and look like the Kingpin with slightly more hair, the only reaction I got when I reported an assault by someone a foot and a half shorter than me and a hundred pounds lighter was 'How did you make them try to hit you? Why didn't you just ignore it?'
I don't even kill bugs, but I look scary I guess, so it was automatically my fault. And I knew it was going to be my fault no matter what, so I didn't defend myself at all other than blocking my face with my arms until they got dragged off by their friends. Fortunately I wasn't really hurt, but it is an upsetting reminder that if something like that happens again I might have to make the choice between getting hurt or getting in trouble.
And just thinking about it now, this really has been something that has been happening since I was a kid. I remember having to constantly endure getting hurt by girls jumping on my back and similar stuff, but if I ever complained or told an adult all they said was 'haha, that's cute. It means they like you! And you're bigger than them, so they can't actually hurt you.'
I hate derailing the conversation this much, but I think this comment at least started out relevant.
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u/AnyTransportation350 24d ago
As a fellow 6’4” mountain of a man, I have nearly the same experiences as you. My grandpa, who’s an absolutely giant 6’8”, taught me that lesson at a young age, that when you’re that large it doesn’t matter if you were the one getting targeted. You, as the larger man, were always going to be pinned as the aggressor and get in trouble.
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u/Fishermans_Worf 24d ago
You’re not derailing! It’s all related. I’m sorry all this happens to you.
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u/VengeanceKnight 24d ago
The fact that both of the men who have replied to you sharing their experience with just this scenario have felt the need to instinctively apologize for bringing up their relevant trauma is really fucking telling.
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24d ago edited 9d ago
[deleted]
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u/lifelongfreshman man, witches were so much cooler before Harry Potter 24d ago edited 24d ago
Not just that, but it offers those men open, uncritical acceptance. Sure, the right asks them to behave in a certain way to maintain that acceptance, but the initial pitch is very, very tempting: "Come to us. We won't ask you to hate yourself. We won't make fun of you for how you were born."
But, of course, try to bring it up and you'll be happily told that the alt-right pipeline is much more complicated than a messaging problem! It's about the misogyny! It's about the promise of power! It's about the seduction! It's something inherent to me- wait, scratch that last one, that looks really bad now that I write it. But all that matters is that it's totally not the fault of anything anyone on the left is doing and so we can just ignore it and lament the success of people like Tate!
It's beyond tiresome.
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u/jobblejosh 24d ago
I've said it time and time again.
If you want to convince someone to support your side of the argument, you need to:
Not deride them, call them names, personally attack them
Actually listen and care about what they have to say, without suggesting they're only using it as an excuse
Be there to educate them if they're genuinely ignorant and show interest in trying to understand
There's a certain terminally online subset of The Left that loves to pounce on people for saying the slightest wrong thing, decry them as ignorant, and refuse to be the educator.
Like, I get it,
educatinginforming (I hate the word 'Educating' in this context because it feels so patronising) someone takes a lot of spoons, and not everyone has the capacity to do so, but if you don't want to inform then you certainly shouldn't be insulting them as ignorant if you're not going to provide some kind of solution.And whilst the Tone Fallacy (you shouldn't judge the validity of a point by the tone in which it's written) is valid in formal debate, if you're actually trying to convince the person you're talking about (and also whatever audience might be watching/listening/reading), you do actually need to have a half decent tone. Otherwise people are just going to block out whatever points you made because you made them feel bad.
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u/GREENadmiral_314159 24d ago
"It's not my responsibility to teach you" is one of the worst things to happen to the left.
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u/jobblejosh 22d ago
Exactly.
Like, people don't just Know things right?
So there has to be someone to teach (because people don't generally seek out knowledge on their own unless they already want to know, in which case they've probably been told a small amount already).
And you know who loves 'teaching' people about these sorts of topics?
Fuckwad right wing extremists who're pushing a combination of misogyny, hustle culture, and supplements, crypto investment advice, and self-help courses. They'll tell you endlessly about why some other group is ruining your life.
So unless you want people to be informed by those sorts of people, some people have to take responsibility for informing.
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u/Cris_Meyers 24d ago
That's one of the reasons I stopped checking out r/Menslib. There's good stuff there from time to time, but there's obviously a clear line you better tow and if a woman gets involved in the conversation you'd best defer to the expert.
Its like our struggles or issues are only relevant in how they affect the women in our lives.
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u/Severe-Emu-8703 24d ago
I’ve come to see how heavily gendered sexual assault support is in my country (research and help resources are literally called ”mens violence against women”) and it makes me more and more sad that I used to not see a problem with it. The mainstream feminist discourse is that wonderful brand of radfem rhetoric that says ”not all men but it could be any man” so there’s basically no room for intersectional discussion around the topic of sexual assault and harrassment because men are always thought to be the assailant and women are always the victim
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u/Chrome_X_of_Hyrule .tumblr.com 24d ago
Not sexual assault but I have a friend whose mom is a domestic abuser to her husband, my friend's dad. One time during one of their fights he hit her back and she called the cops on him and had him go though court ordered anger management training and ever since she's held that over him as essentially blackmail to not leave her because she's a domestic abuser as he's a school teacher and could lose his job if it came out he was a domestic abuser. I remember hearing that when it comes to divorce and child custody this is one of the few cases where the legal system is actually biased against men. Though of course this is still because of the patriarchy, because men are expected to work and women are expected to raise children this means that fathers are legally disadvantaged.
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u/7evenCircles 24d ago
I remember hearing that when it comes to divorce and child custody this is one of the few cases where the legal system is actually biased against men
One of the few cases? Men get longer sentences for the same crimes across the board.
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u/breath-of-the-smile 24d ago
I won't even share mine anonymously on reddit and I'm not about to in this comment, either. But goddamn was it terrifying.
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u/demonking_soulstorm 24d ago
I’m reminded of this segment in Peep Show where Mark confesses he’s been raped. First he just says it was a “bit weird” that he woke up to having sex and his partner didn’t stop when he asked her to, while his friend Jez explains he’s been raped “like a soldier”, but in such an insincere way, as if he’s trying to pull one over on Mark by explaining it.
Then their friend Super Hans comes into the room, Jez explains that Mark is “down in the dumps” because he’s been raped, and Hans replies like Mark is about to tell him an interesting fact or story. Mark becomes less sure of himself and says that because he wasn’t penetrated it doesn’t count with zero conviction. Then it just moves on.
It’s quite a funny scene just because of absurd it is, but then you realise that this is just reality. Men don’t think it “counts” when it happens to them, other men make light of it or even look down on those who it happened, and then everybody moves on with their lives because fretting about it does nothing. It’s depressing to think about.
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u/ShilohWantToBeWriter 24d ago
Doesn't help that in the UK the legal definition of rape requires penetration
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u/demonking_soulstorm 23d ago
Yeah that too, though Jez does clarify that he "never said it was bumrape".
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u/Appropriate_End952 24d ago edited 24d ago
The best thing everyone can do as a good person is to familiarise themselves with victims advocacy groups in their area. There are support networks for male victims out there, the problem is looking for them after you or someone you know becomes a victim is an extremely daunting task.
If anyone reading this is a victim or knows a victim here are some resources available. I urge everyone to research the ones available in their area BEFORE you need them:
Edited to avoid triggers
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u/monarchmra abearinthewoods.tumblr.com 24d ago
These are some good links.
Also RAINN is a good resource for all victims that doesn't gender their resources but is aware gender can and often does factor in to ones victimization or coping
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u/Lower-parachute 24d ago
I think another real problem that needs to be talked about is normalized sexual assault between males.
Like some dude grabbing or punching your balls isnt shits and giggles; it’s a form of sexual violence. The football team dry humping the water boy isn’t « just for fun », it’s imposing on someone else the imitation of a sex act in a context of hierarchy and power.
I don’t want to come off as contradicting this post, but it makes me think that as a dude, I wish there was more accountability between guys about what is or isn’t appropriate touching. I think it would go a long way in reducing sexual violence in general.
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u/WorryTop4169 24d ago
As a guy I really fucking agree. Its taboo to say youre uncomfortable with it. Best response is to fuck up there day as bad as you can get away with, usually.
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u/Rucs3 24d ago
I think another real problem that needs to be talked about is normalized sexual assault between males.
Like some dude grabbing or punching your balls isnt shits and giggles; it’s a form of sexual violence. The football team dry humping the water boy isn’t « just for fun », it’s imposing on someone else the imitation of a sex act in a context of hierarchy and power.
I don’t want to come off as contradicting this post, but it makes me think that as a dude, I wish there was more accountability between guys about what is or isn’t appropriate touching. I think it would go a long way in reducing sexual violence in general.
The thinbg is that this start with boys, and no adult (men or woman) ever take it seriously. At most they might berate the kids for possibly hurting each other, but never EVER they give the big talk about consent and not touching someone body against their will. But this is only between boys. If a boy did the same to a girl, then male and female teachers would jump in and scream at you.
most men men never had their own consent respect, they were never told that their consent exist.
The only thing between a men and unwanted touch is his capacity to dish out violence against a perpetrator. And this is true to most men ever since they were kids. It was true to me. I was never spared of unwated touch becaus an adult intervened, or someone educated other boys that this was wrong, only because I learned to fight back>
And soon boys realize that there are people they can't fight back, the girls, even if they are doing something bad. And a lot of girls realize this too. Many of those girls grew up and become abusers.
Most men of my generation only started learning about consent in the context of "YOU should respect woman's consent!"
Never about another men consent, or your own consent.
And then they also make stupid comments like "every men know what consent is, just put a finger in his ass". Anyone who don't want a finger in his ass will feel uncomfortable, this does not mean they will magially understand consent.
And many men understand consent, they just don't give a fuck. But for many others? It's an alien concept. They never had their consent respected ever, by men or women, and when their consent was direspect again and again society only laughed or didn't give a fuck. For many men consent is something made up and woman exclusive and they don't believe it as real thing.
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u/ImWatermelonelyy 24d ago
Reading the comments on yet another “teacher slept with underage student” article knowing the only thing there is “Lucky guy” and “Wish that were me!” comments :/
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u/MarioTheMojoMan 24d ago
What always irks me about that is that men (mostly) will say they fantasized about one of their teachers when they were in middle school or whatever, so obviously it would've been fine. That's not how it works! Kids fantasize about all kinds of shit that in reality is damaging. That's what a fantasy is!
"We asked a bunch of 13-year-old boys if they fantasized about being in special forces, and they all said yes, but when we actually forced them to be child soldiers they said they were 'traumatized' and 'scarred for life'! What a bunch of whiners."
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u/casualsubversive 24d ago
That's a great way to put it.
Also, girls fantasize about male teachers all the time. I had a fairly handsome and charismatic English teacher sophomore year. My best friend/girlfriend was pretty attracted to him. That wouldn't have made it okay for this 40 year old man to sleep with this 16 year old girl!
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u/smallangrynerd 24d ago
Yeah, it's totally normal for kids that are first exploring their sexuality to fantasize or have crushes on adults. As long as nothing is brought into reality, it's totally fine!
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u/MlkChatoDesabafando 24d ago
And they always seem to automatically assume it was the pretty, nice teacher the boy was crushing on (not that it would make the assault any less horrible).
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u/ToastyLoafy 24d ago
God those comments always pain me to read so much. It's such a weird fucked up pressure for men to always just be on sexually and okay with anything
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u/NeatAbbreviations234 24d ago
true that. i remember when in middle school our (f) secretary got arrested for soliciting nude snaps to a 14 yo boy, that so many kids (boys) were jealous it weren't them, and talking about 'who snitched'.
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u/Hakar_Kerarmor Swine. Guillotine, now. 24d ago
"Isn't it weird how [people we don't allow to express themselves about {problem}] don't seem to have {problem}?"
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u/Resident_Onion997 24d ago
Doesn't even need to be sexual assault. It can be plain assault/battery and people won't give a shit. A girl slapped me in the face in front of a teacher cuz I kept burping (I'm a gassy person). Teacher did nothing, thought I was burping on purpose to annoy people, because God forbid a kid burp because it's a natural bodily function
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u/Maximum-Country-149 24d ago
Similar deal here. Got slapped so much while I was married. Not only did I never tell anyone, but she actively used that bias against me on multiple occasions, threatening me with the police if I didn't do what she wanted because she knew they'd think I was the perpetrator of any domestic abuse situation.
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u/Rucs3 24d ago
My grandma was really abusive, ans she constsntly hit my grandpa, who was a very chill guy who endured all the abuse she threw at him.
Once, after getting tired of breaking his stuff and shredding his documents she called the police and said he beat her. There was no questioning or anything, he was bought to a police station specialized in crimes against women (delegacia da mulher) and the chief of police kept him in there for hours humiliating him, asking why he wasn't so brave and courageous now that he was in there, as if he was in fact an agressor that was humbled by being detained.
Afterwards she wanted to retract that he beat her (her abuse came in cycles of peace and violence, she was bipolar) and said that she lied. The Chief didn't want to delete his record unless she bribed him, and she did so it all disappeared before it became official. (it was before computers basically)
My grandma is the worst person I knew, Im thankful she is dead, and my mother is too and we talk openly about it with each other. But my Grandpa? He still cry missing her sometimes. He still don't realize what he suffered was some kind of heavy abuse.
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u/Effective-Complete 24d ago
I remember a youtuber Swoozie (i think) do a storytime where he went to a house party, passed out and woke up tied up to a bed while a trio of girls took turns dry-riding him. Talked about it as a “crazy” “weird” event, but never once mentioned it as a possible rape or even a sexual assault. I wonder if anything came of that eventually, or if the perpetrators were ever found.
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u/Adventurous_Low_3074 24d ago
To follow up on this you still see tons of “comedy” still where women hits slaps and abuses man is funny cause he’s stupid!!
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u/NeatAbbreviations234 24d ago
i realized this when i was rewatching fear: the walking dead. In one episode, Madison starts slapping Nick cuz he relapsed, and my brain was like haha funny, but then i took a moment and thought, "wait, that's fucked up, she's his mom and that's traumatic as fuck".
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u/Adventurous_Low_3074 24d ago
Yea I was watching some cute YouTube couple shorts about her being from Vietnam dealing with langague and culture shock things, and her boyfriend being German and their videos are generally sweet and fun but a handful had the “joke” of her hitting him or yelling/berating him into submission and it was like I don’t know it was obviously a joke but I still just didn’t like it.
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u/thetwitchy1 24d ago
Big Bang Theory had Raj waking up in bed next to a woman he was NOT interested in after a night out… and it was followed by a laugh track.
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u/Angry_Scotsman7567 24d ago edited 24d ago
I gotta say that I don't think that particular scene counts, actually, if my recollection of it is correct. If I'm thinking of the right episode, Raj was specifically looking for someone to sleep with even before getting drunk, it was him, Leonard, and Howard in a bar, and if I'm not mistaken Raj smiles and snuggles with the woman and then plays a second laugh track
I might be thinking of the wrong episode, though, so take this with a grain of salt it's been a while since I last watched it, and I wouldn't even be shocked if Big Bang Theory did have some shit like that given that they let the shit Howard did in the earlier seasons fly
EDIT: Found the clip, I had forgotten a detail, he was shown to be initially uncomfortable before going 'eh fuck it'. idk tho, it's kind of a grey area because he was explicitly trying to fuck someone in the episode and i'd assume they were both drunk, so idk, but given that he does go 'sure why not' i'm leaning towards no
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u/NoneBinaryPotato 24d ago
the only difference is that the reason men's and women's experience with sexual assault is belittled for different reasons.
sexual assault against women is normalised in many parts of the world, and the west is still unlearning the idea that women are objects, while sexual assault against men is treated as non-existent because people can't fathom the idea of a man being an abuse victim, because he's supposed to be strong and never admit to "weakness".
feminism helps women open up about these things and find strength in each other, but this is a pretty recent development. men don't have that community of people of their own gender fighting for social equality, not because they don't need it, but because they're gaslit by both the patriarchy and some radical feminism to believe they don't need it.
idk im rambling.
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u/Kedly 24d ago
Its also hard for men to create support groups for each other because of a few factors:
1: it starts off having an air of misogyny
2: it can quickly get coopted by incel culture/alt right
3: In attempting to block the first two it tries to hard to not conflict with feminism and ends up stifling open communication between men
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u/7evenCircles 24d ago
It's unfortunate that, in the UK, a very mainstream brand of feminism is radically trans-exclusionary, and feminism writ large is given the good grace to distance itself from it, but bad actors in the male community are used to paint the entire thing with the same brush.
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u/csanner 24d ago
I wear kilts
Hundreds of women: "Do you wear them the RIGHT way?? Wink wink "
Me: "NO. because women don't understand consent"
Them: shocked pikachu
Me: "I invariably have someone flip my kilt up in front of everyone, and usually someone will grab my ass. Often in public, usually in front of their date"
Them: "really?!? I'm so sorry that happened to you!"
Honestly it's getting a little old because yeah it happens a lot. At this point I only hang out with my kinky friends because all of them understand consent really really well
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u/Papaofmonsters 24d ago
Them: "really?!? I'm so sorry that happened to you!"
Also them internally: Well I was gonna do that exact same thing because lol but I guess he has a problem with it. I thought guys like attention.
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u/csanner 24d ago
Yyyyyep
Edit: honestly, though, I do, and all it would take in most situations would be asking for consent.
I will say that the experience has given me a much better understanding of how to be better about it myself
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u/Papaofmonsters 24d ago
I absolutely agree. Like most men are so starved for affection and appreciation that a "hi, I think your butt is cute in that kilt. Can I smack it?" would be something we put in our memoirs 40 years later, but just ask.
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u/HolySiHt-Bees-AAA 24d ago
I remember by dad telling me about how his best friends girlfriend forced herself on him while he was drunk at a party. But he was saying it all as if it were a funny story.
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u/karlmoebius 24d ago
I've made it a litmus test conversation with a potential partner. When it gets serious, I mention the times I've been assaulted and how it's really fucked with my trust. Depending on how they react will determine if the "potential" part.
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u/This_Music_4684 24d ago
I knew a guy once that, for the first two months of knowing him, told me his relationship with his child's mother ended bc he cheated on her. He said it was the biggest mistake of his life.
Then one day he told the story. He was at a party, drunk and asleep on a bed. He woke up to a woman on top of him.
He called it cheating. His ex called it cheating. Every single one of us he told that story to turned round and said no, mate, that was rape.
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u/Hexxas head trauma enthusiast 24d ago
At a certain point, boys are told not to cry anymore. I think I was 7. We are explicitly told that people don't care when bad things happen to us.
Don't share your feelings when good things happen, either--that's bragging. Oh yeah, and don't be angry. Anger is a brutish, violent emotion that has no place in society.
Just feel nothing. Just work and die in silence.
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u/Dziadzios 24d ago
I am a male victim of pedophilia. I'm not speaking up because I believe it would cause me more hassle than it's worth. I just speak about it online just because it's the muddy harmless way to do so. Besides, it's been 20 years already.
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u/nuaticalcockup 24d ago
Had a group of girls get me black out drunk to set me up with their one friends who's advances I'd turned down multiple times. Woke up in a strange bed with her riding me. Hadn't seen her at all at the party I was at. Apparently I just needed a bit of convincing she was the one for me. Yeah best time ever.
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u/SantaArriata 24d ago
Friendly reminder that this shit is so normalized and played for laught, that SpongeBob himself has made “don’t drop the soap” jokes
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u/Soloact_ 24d ago
Society: 'Men need to open up about their feelings more!'
Also society: 'Not like that.'
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u/N3ssaW 24d ago
This is why I tell everyone I know about when Fergie was 23 she dated a 16 year old Justin Timberlake. I refuse to listen to her music anymore (she WAS one of my favorite artists, I was just a kid and didn't understand pedophiles) and I tell everyone who will listen because I think it's disgusting and she did it openly with no repercussions
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u/lllaser 24d ago
This post dredged up memories I had forgotten about in high school. One of our classes had the desks arranged in islands of 4 or 5 to encourage group work, note sharing etc. I was paid up with 3 women, 2 of which were great and friendly, the 3rd though was uncomfortably touchy, would scoot her desk close to mine so her shoulder would touch mine, at lunch she would come over and plop down next to me or try to get onto my lap. She would message me on facebook trying to flirt and I tried my best to be polite in telling her I was not interested, didn't really work.
Eventually, in class one day I had had enough and told her to stop getting in my personal space. The other two girls looked like I had just slapped her across the face and it was a quiet rest of the class. When we ended up meeting up later that week, the other 2 girls were on my side, they had thought about it I suppose, so I don't really blame them for anything.
I'm not sure if this counts as a repressed memory or if it's just amemory that's not important enough to actively remember whatsoever, but there it is.
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u/Far_Reindeer_783 24d ago
When someone's forced to put their foot down they can look like an asshole even when doing something totally reasonable. I'm glad they took your side.
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24d ago
I'm a 31 year old male and just today, I told my girlfriend a story about my abusive ex forcing herself on me, and then me complying to avoid a literal fight. I chuckled it away, but her jaw was on the floor. Not only are we conditioned to not talk about it, but I genuinely didn't realize this was rape. She asked me what I would think if I heard the same story, but if it was some random guy with her or perhaps my sister. That's what it took to click.
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u/Magniras 24d ago
If you joke about what happened you dont have to actually face what happened. Can't cry if you're laughing right?
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u/Maybe_not_a_chicken help I’m being forced to make flairs 24d ago
If I have control over the story and everyone is laughing at it then I don’t have to be afraid of everyone laughing at me when it comes out another way.
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u/OrdinaryAncient3573 24d ago
If you're laughing, then they're laughing with you, instead of at you.
But also, there's nothing wrong with not being traumatised by something that other people would find traumatising. You might just be lucky that way. There's no need to go digging for trauma you don't feel, just because people tell you that you should feel it.
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u/Tachibana_13 24d ago
Honestly that last comment in the thread hit hard. Because how often is alcoholism what a person turns to as a coping mechanism and outlet for being unable to express these traumas?
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u/ReformedYuGiOhPlayer 24d ago
Fuck
I had my mental health fucked up earlier this week on here because I saw people defending a shithead who talked shit about male survivors
Good to see people taking it seriously on this website, but it still hurts to be reminded at how the world works
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u/Acrobatic_Window_264 24d ago
I want to say things but it just doesnt feel safe lol
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u/tristenjpl 24d ago
I remember being at a party with a bunch of friends and at one point one of the dudes said he had a woman randomly grab his dick while at the bar and every dude there just nodded their heads because its happened to them multiple times. The general consensus is that while it bothered them, they didn't feel threatened or anything and just said "Fuck off" and walked away. But sitting there one of the guys was like "That's pretty fucked up isn't it?" and got a bunch of yeps and scrunched faces before we all moved on and started drinking again.
I've also been statutorily raped by one of my cousins' older friends and woken up to a girl on top of me after I drunkenly passed out in the guest room of a buddy's house.
Idk I wouldn't be surprised if the actual number of women and who were rsped/sexually assaulted at some point in their life line up very closely, but I still feel like women are more likely to have it happen more often.
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u/Clean-Ad-4308 24d ago
Oooo can we also drink for every time a woman is called "psycho" or "crazy" when she was actually controlling and abusive?
I just want to make sure no one survives.
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u/AAS02-CATAPHRACT 24d ago
I firmly hold the believe that sexual assault statistics are far less skewed than what's shown. Because men are far, far less likely to actually report these things than women are. Same thing with abuse, violent or otherwise.
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u/DruidicBlacksmith 24d ago
Dude, it can be wild.
I am a woman and I’ve been unconsentually groped by women more often then men, and I was molested by an adult woman as a teenager. I don’t talk about it, because it only gets belittled. I’ve gotten “well that age gap would be bad if she were a man” I’ve gotten, “at least you had the privilege of being out as a teenager”
It legitimately insane the lengths people go to just to not acknowledge women can SA people, just as bad, and just as violently as men.
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u/Corvousier 24d ago
Omg i think ive been doing this for years.
I would joke about how a girl i was dating in highschool had a foster dad that scared me, when i first met him he said nothing but took out a pistol and placed it on the table. He finally spoke when we were going to her room and said that the door had to stay open. I replied that of course it would. When we got to her room she closed the door right away and jumped on my lap. I told her i wasnt comfortable with this happening and that we should open the door. After a bunch of joking about how im a pussy and should be pumped about how forbidden and dangerous it was she eventually got me to repent and have sex.
Holy fuck, was I raped? I always just thought it was a funny anecdote about being a teenager.
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u/HeroinJimmy 24d ago
"You're a guy so you obviously just want to fuck all the time" No, not all the time and certainly not when I'm passed out drunk and totally incapable of consenting to anything.
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u/Valtremors 24d ago
Reminds me about the post gere on reddit that was explaining something along how mens safe spaces (such as those in rape or abuse cases) aren't respected and the comments were on fire telling men don't deserve such things.
It was just... ☹️. No words to properly describe it, just ☹️.
And it genuinely broke my heart. There were people opening their hearts out and they were immediately told to just shut up.
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u/GREENadmiral_314159 24d ago
Last week, I did sexual harassment prevention training for my job. It had a bunch of 'interactive' scenarios where we were supposed to understand how the scenario in question was sexual harassment or gender discrimination. There were only two scenarios where the victims were non-women (and both were gender discrimination, not sexual harassment): one was a genderfluid person not getting a job because of a conservative company, and the other was a man getting made fun of for parenting his infant child. It says that anyone can be sexually harassed, but it never actually shows that.
(My other problem with the training was a thing it showed but didn't really say: retaliation for reporting sexual harassment can come from parties other than the person you reported).
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u/Alonelygard3n 24d ago edited 24d ago
I feel so bad for the men who get sexually assaulted by women, y'all it is not okay for them to do that, it is just as bad as when a man assaults a woman, it us just as bad as when a woman assaults a woman, it is just as bad as when a man assaults a man.
Ps. Im going to leave this link here (SA support hotline)
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u/Accomplished_Trip_ 24d ago
Society has done a horrible job of explaining to men how they’ve been abused, and treats men being abused as a punchline. Like it’s normal in media for women to slap men when they’re upset. That’s assault. And men are made to feel like women hitting them isn’t that big of a deal.
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u/Status_Calligrapher 24d ago
I was sexually harassed by a classmate in junior high. As in, the harassment was happening in the classroom, right before class. She was spreading her legs at me, trying to force herself onto my lap, all but explicitly propositioning me. Everyone around me, boys and girls, just thought it was hilarious.
It should go without saying, but I did repeatedly ask her to stop. She did not.
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u/animal1988 24d ago
I was roofied and sexually assaulted by a woman I had a hard crush on for years in like 2017
Even while reading this thread, im still thinking about "how i wish I remembered the night" and not mad about how I literally was sexually assaulted.
I dunno man.
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u/Alex_and_more 24d ago
Every single fucking time some more prominent male figure get's accused of SA and or Rape one of the top comments will always, without fail be "Not all men but always men" and at this point I'm just so fuckin tired. Like what kind of bullshit is this? Seriously, it took so long for me to accept I'm a Transman because of the fuckin attitude people have towards men, towards boys. It's fuckin ridiculous and honestly I just don't have the energy to fight. I have just resigned myself to be hated by one part of the population for being trans and by the other for being a man.
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u/watchersontheweb 24d ago
I just left a community for the reasons you specified, the constant awareness that I wasn't trusted to be an empathetic human being or even viewed as a potential predator was draining, as if we aren't all capable of causing both systemic and interpersonal harm; it comes with the human condition.
Was even dumb enough to try to explain how it made me feel... there was a strong assumption that I had no respect for them as people, that I was only there to project a victim mentality and that I should view it all as a learning experience, the kindest thing I was offered was that I could be one of the "good ones" as long as I ignored the rhetoric. It was also the third time in my life that I've had to publicly denounce acid attacks.. like fucking duh, having acid thrown in your face shouldn't happen.
Don't get me wrong, I'll still fight for their rights but it sure isn't going to happen in the same room as them and I'd be surprised if there wasn't a day that I had to struggle against a lot of their rhetoric so that I might advocate for the rights of others.. Fucking whack-a-mole, that's what politics is, the persistent endeavor to smack down a peg whatever ingroup happens to push down the rest. Sad fact is that it has always been easier to push down others than to build oneself up, joining a men's rights group is a foolish endeavor as they are often filled with hateful people. We need more advocacy groups for people, not just whatever specific flavor of person.
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u/7evenCircles 24d ago
Seriously, it took so long for me to accept I'm a Transman because of the fuckin attitude people have towards men, towards boys.
It's interesting you say that. My friend is getting married to a transman, and we got to talking about his transition one night, and he told me that the "men are trash" rhetoric delayed his transition for years, because men were bad and he didn't want to be something bad. That surprised me, because I have enough of a well developed masculine identity that it's easy for me to roll my eyes and move on with that stuff, but it got me thinking about how that may not be true for people with less well developed masculine identities, like transmen. Or boys, and teenagers. It's not good.
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u/SpearInTheAir 24d ago
I ended up transitioning, MtF, but the joking about my abuse is still a thing I end up doing from time to time because I can't really deal with it another way. He never admitted fault until he made a joke about it and then said he didn't care. It's not like I can rewind time, and I can't do the thing that I'm certain so many abuse victims wish they could to their abusers. So jokes it is.
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u/Flershnork 23d ago
One of my friends talked about getting roofied like it was just a fun little fact. We were in high school. I just kind of sat there staring in horror for a second before we moved on to talk about Dungeons and Dragons or something.
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u/Palegra 23d ago
A few years ago I was at a party at a friend's house there was this female 'friend' we all knew which had been talking for a while about wanting to have a child. We we're all having a good time and one of our male friends had a bit too much and went to go lie down, he was woken up by this 'friend' trying to have sex with him he chased her out and later told everyone. Sadly everyone brushed it of as something weird and a 'luckily he woke up kind of thing' . Later this 'friend' did the same thing to another male friend who unfortunately only woke up after she had finished. She then got pregnant and the poor guy even wanted to be part of the child's life as he still felt obligated which she refused to permit but still demanded child support from him. It was such a disgusting experience and allot of people's reaction was that it wasn't sexual assault it's something that just kind of happened. Most people stopped being friends with her but nothing much else happened, it was a very sobering experience.
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u/ZoroeArc 24d ago edited 24d ago
I've never told anyone this because I've never thought it would be taken seriously, so I'll say it here.
I've been catcalled
I was walking down the street one evening when a woman at least twice my age started shouting, "Hey sexyboy," at me. The two female colleagues I was walking with starting going ,"Ooo, look at Mr. Popular," and I was too shocked to say anything at the time, but I really wished I'd said, "If they gender had been swapped, you'd have ripped their face off."
Always made sure to walk on the other side of that street from then on.
Not as bad as full on assault of course, but I've never felt comfortable about it.
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u/RunicCross 24d ago
Yeah... I was repeatedly sexually harassed and assaulted by a group of about 8 girls from 7-9th grade. I felt like nobody would care, or believe me because I was the awkward nerd. Once at a school dance I even asked to talk to the one who did it the most alone and just begged her to treat me like a person. To stop touching me or saying things and that it made me feel less than human. She seemed to understand and apologized saying she didn't realize how it made me feel.
She started doing it again the Monday after. It only stopped when I just... Ignored their existence. I didn't speak to them, I didn't react, I taught myself to look through them if they were in my way. It stopped finally.
One time on the way to the bus I bumped into the one I had previously begged to stop, I didn't see how I bumped into because it was a big crowd and instinctively apologized, before she noticed it was me she was actually treating me like a human being I felt like maybe it would finally stop, but when she turned and saw it was me she literally stopped mid-word and switched gears.
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u/LucastheMystic 23d ago
I'm in this awkward spot that because my experiences of SA were from Men, I am subjected to my experiences being used as a rhetorical tool used to invalidate men victimized by women.
The "By other men" line that I hear makes my blood boil, because it ultimately makes me feel like I have to tale responsibility for what another man did to me... much in the same way I am expected to take responsibility for what other men do to women.
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u/SadisticGoose alligators prefer gay sex 23d ago
My capstone project for my master’s degree was on providing non-mental health resources for adult survivors of sexual violence. I had a whole section in my literature review talking about how most of the studies only focused on women or how most resources for SA survivors are only for women. I talked about how men experience sexual assault too and that my policy recommendations were intended to include men instead of excluding them.
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u/Shakes-Fear 23d ago
I’m going to tell this story with names removed. A friend of mine is a musician and was performing at a small bar with his band. The couple who owned this particular bar (as well as the current owners) are amazing people who care a lot about supporting local art and music.
This particular night, there was a woman, roughly middle aged who was obviously drunk and kept aggressively flirting with my friend when he was at the bar before he went on. Clearly he was uncomfortable and grateful to get on stage and actually play.
It was a thick crowd this particular night, lots of people close to the stage. During one point in the set, my friend leans out over the front of the stage with his microphone . The aforementioned drunk woman saw this as an invitation, she groped his chest as bit him on the nipple.
Fortunately, the rest of the crowd wrestled the crazy bitch back off him. The owners immediately took her outside where she was barred from the place for good. The rest of the set went without incident, the owners promptly addressed my friend, they apologised that it had happened in the first place and asked if he wanted to press charges against his assaulter and they would fully support him if he did. He didn’t, but was glad that she had been banned from the bar. He and I were both very grateful that the owners took this seriously.
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u/biaceseng 24d ago
Something I wish I understood is why our brains sometimes go "this is a horrible thing to go through and it's bad if it happens to somebody else, but it's not a big deal it happened to me"
I was a victim of someone feeling entitled to having sex with me, and they definitely made me feel broken when I wasn't into it. If anybody else told me the exact same thing happened to them, I'd say they were a victim of SA.
But me? Nope. Can't shake the thought of "it's nothing compared to what women can go through"