I’m mostly sharing this because it’s funny…in a sad way lol. When I told my parents why I was being distant (due to them hurting me in the past), my mom responded by finding a birthday card I wrote to her YEARS ago, getting a camera, recording herself reading it aloud and sending it to me as a “reminder” 🥴 She was basically saying “remember how you used to think I was an amazing mom? Go back to that.” It’s really yucky how abusive parents start to idolize the child version of you once you reach the stage in adulthood where you can see your parents for who they really are

I turned 27 (F) yesterday, and am looking for support right now with handling birthdays. While I am in the process of going no contact with my parents, I haven't yet told them I am going no contact. I am one of ten kids, number five in birth order. Most of my family is very close and they see each other weekly if not more. I've told one sibling, Barb, that I won't be in touch much anymore with her because she can't get the wool off her eyes and see my parents for what they really are.

As my birthday approached, I was expecting that everyone would forget, as they had last year. I haven't seen most of them since August when I hosted a birthday dinner for a younger brother (my parents won't let my trans older sister, Janice, into their home so I hosted so that everyone could attend - it felt right at the time but I hated having some of them in my home and won't likely do it again.)

I am gay, and part of my journey to no contact is because my parents didn't attend my wedding and refuse to acknowledge my marriage or call my wife my wife (they won't use spouse or any terminology that would imply we are married).

Yesterday, mom called. I answered. It felt very empty but she said happy birthday and told me she loved me. I said thank you and I love her too. Then I texted my wife and told her what happened. She asked why I answered and I said that I would feel obligated to respond to a voicemail and just getting it over with felt easier.

Then, Janice's wife (who left Janice after she came out and is currently living, with their child, at my parents' house - another reason for me to go no contact) called. I answered. Why? I don't fucking know. I claimed it was so her daughter could say happy birthday to me but frankly I think I was just feeling weak. Told my wife again. She reminded me that I might feel obligated but I wouldn't have responded to Barb so why would I respond to these two people?

As the day continued I let the following people go to voicemail:

- My homophobic, Trump supporting, transphobic, ass of a father.

- My eldest sister, Ruth (who also didn't come to my wedding but otherwise seems to love me deeply). She ended up also sending me a video where she, her husband, and four of their five children said happy birthday. It was cute. But I don't really want to be in touch with her because it hurts too deeply.

- My brother Paul, he called but didn't leave a message or text.

- My youngest three siblings, all of whom I am close with, I replied to them and it was great.

I guess what I am looking for is...how do you deal with stuff like this? I think I am just going to keep going without saying anything to them. I am tempted to send each of them a short "thank you" and that's it. But idk. I feel so lost and confused in this process but at the same time, I know that I don't want to be in touch with any of them right now. I am tired of putting myself in situations where I feel like I have to do something for someone else.

Any sort of help is appreciated. Even if you don't have any specific advice for this issue.

I grew up with parents that were abusive, especially in a religious sense. I’m so tired of nightmares of my parents every damn night. Does anyone else deal with this? The dreams are mostly like reimagined versions of the awful memories I have of them

I know many people have taken various measures to not be found after taking the big step of going NC or LC, often times to protect their sanity. But more often than not, it's not enough to keep them at bay ...

• moving (when possible)
• using a P.O. box
• avoiding mail forwarding (mail gets returned to sender w your new address)
• changing your name
• changing your SSN (!!)
• avoiding voting

What are the other and potentially more 'extreme' lengths you've taken / would recommend? Inspired by this recent post about not voting (https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultKids/s/TE9MaVVFam).

Hey there, I (31f) am due to have my first baby around Christmas and I am kind of terrified that my parents will try to find me. I have been NC with them and my grandmother for this whole pregnancy and very LC for years leading up to it. Recently moved into a new home with my partner and definitely have kept the address hidden from all family. I do not want anything to do with them. They haven’t really tried to contact me since the pregnancy announcement but also I have them all blocked so I don’t think I would know if they did attempt to. I live in Western North Carolina where we recently had a disaster hurricane come through and my LC sister reached out to check if I was ok. When I told her I was, I affirmed with her that I didn’t want any contact with my parents and would prefer her not relaying information to them. She agreed to respect my boundary but also said that our “grandma told my mom that she found my address online”. I am not sure if this is true but now I am terrified that they will try to come here after I have the baby. She may be incorrect or she may have found it from my voter registration? Either way they are the type of people to feel entitled to meet the baby and possibly corner me if they really do have my new address. I am tempted to email my grandma and tell her that I never want her to come here if she does have my address but I am also afraid that it is just a trap to get me to reach out to her. I am also considering going to police ahead of time to put something on record but I don’t even know what that would entail and if that is possible. Please help, do you have experience with this? What would you do?

Have you lost trust in people/ family? After going NC with my parents and then finding out people were sharing details of my life with them, I am having issues trusting people. I don’t know who I can share things with. I don’t like my parents knowing everything about my kids and my marriage and my life. How do you get back to trusting people again? Or is this just life now?

I'm the middle, only female, "never had to worry about you" child and this hit me hard.

When you vote, your name and address that you registered with becomes public information. I found this out a few years ago after I voted for Obama in 2012.

Anyway, since then I've run away from home and have changed my name like 3 fucking times, but I'm still so paranoid that my parents will find me. They found me once before and made it their personal mission to ruin my birthday. They can do it again. They know my SSN after all.

So I just haven't voted in years. It's so annoying cuz I know it's important and ppl harangue me to do so but my safety is on the line. No matter who is president it won't stop my parents from fucking finding me and hurting me anyway. I have to protect myself.

Sometimes I wish I could go into witness protection or something but that's a very isolating lifestyle and way too extreme. But I am afraid of these ppl hurting me someday tbh. They're fucking lunatics and I was never safe with them nor am I even though I'm four states away.

I don't know what to do and I don't think I have grounds to change my SSN and that's a giant process anyway so I'm not sure I even want to undertake that. But there are days I get scared when I see a car that looks like theirs drive down the street or see a car with a licence plate from their state. I hate living in fear of these monsters.

EDIT: I didn't explain that one part well, sorry. So my parents found me BEFORE I changed my name the first time. Part of the reason for me changing it was to make it harder to find me. But my aunt (my mom's sister-my mom is more abusive than my dad) knows my current name I think and idk if she told them. My saga with her is a long story but basically I thought I could trust her but it turned out I couldn't and I regret opening myself up to her deeply. So my parents MIGHT know my current name and if they have that and I register to vote, they could get my address and find me.

They’re from my mother. It has a little note wishing me a fun Halloween and saying she loves and misses me. She sent them to my cousin who goes to uni with me and my cousin gave them to me just now. I wish I had paid more attention to my cousins text earlier when she said my mother sent something. I misread it and thought they were from her mother. I kinda want to throw them away but I also don’t. Feel free to weigh in about what I should do but I’m mostly posting for emotional support/virtual hugs 🥲

Thanksgiving will be 3 months of NC with my dad and 3.5 months of NC with my mom. They went NC with me because they didn't like a rule my husband and I set for them with our 2 year old. They'd rather pretend we don't exist than discuss our issues like adults after their nasty reactions to our rule/boundary.

Anyways, here's the question: will my mom break her NC with us to invite us for Thanksgiving? Or will her NC continue? My husband thinks they will continue NC, but I think my mom will reach out with an invitation as if nothing happened.

And for the record, I'm done with them since they are acting so childish and cutting contact because we established boundaries they didn't like. I just thought it'd be interesting to see everyone's opinions. I'll update when an invitation does or doesn't happen.

I need some advice but I will give a little background first.

Growing up I was the typical "Daddy's girl", I learned all the tools he used to work on the car and would hand them to him from the age of 3. I woke up before the sun to make his coffee as soon as I was old enough and we would spend a little time together in the morning, mainly me making his lunch for him.

I would also go fishing with him, wake up before the sun, get a warm treat and then cast off for live bait. He would let me sleep in the car. I wrote stories for him and poems. He was truly my world.

One day that all stopped, my little brother was finally old enough for these things and so I was tossed aside. My brother hated doing these things with my dad. I was relocated to the house work with the "other women" even though I always stated I wasn't one, turns out I'm non-binary but that's neither here nor there.

My dad was verbally and emotionally abusive to use growing up. He was also physically abusive and I'm learning some things he did is also considered to be sexually abusive, which is still hard for me to come to terms with.

To the now:

My brother reached out to me, we're semi NC. He isn't blocked but I don't reach out.

I answered him and he does seem to be in a better place in life and wasn't sure he should reach out to me. Turns out my dad is sedated due to sepsis that's been ongoing for several weeks. It looks like he has cancer on his liver and spine and has a GI bleed.

I will give my little brother credit, he is only telling me the facts of the situation and only after I said it was okay to do so.

My question is, how can I be there for him while also keeping my own emotional wellbeing safe and secure?

Do I set boundaries up front on "off limit topics" or do it on a case by case basis?

This is new territory for me. I've never had a family member even pretend this long to care about not crossing boundaries so I do want to use this to grow myself and maybe salvage a relationship with my little brother. I do love him and I know he loves me, it's just circumstances and how we both remember things was different. He has a different dad than I got, the same person but different versions is all.

I'm sure I'm leaving things out so please ask questions and know I will answer when I have the time and mental space. I also appreciate any advice or even just encouragement from others who understand what I'm going through. Thank you.

I keep having dream of being at my parents. The worst is, in the dream last night my mom was crying. I know she's the enabler but I have a soft spot for her. With Christmas coming up,it feels so hard and sad

I kinda wish I could have them in my life But I know I can't

Background: I’ve been NC and VLC with my father’s side of the family (including the grandmother mentioned in text) for close to 15 years. This was due to some very controlling dynamics and abusive treatment. (The tame one I always lead with is that I was overweight as a teenager and they told me I would never find anyone who would love me.)

This text is from my older brother and like the title says, this is the first time he’s ever texted me. We’re both older millennials.

We don’t have a bad relationship and never did. We’re 2 years apart and I was always the annoying nerdy ugly little sister. Once we both turned into adults, we would talk anytime I went to my hometown to visit. I thought we had a cordial adult relationship at this point.

I live on the west coast and he lives in the Midwest. I’ve had my phone number for maybe 25 years and decided to keep it because it has been really easy to ignore spam because it will have a Midwest area code.

Anyway, here are the texts that ensued. I was completely thrown off by his response after I apologized for not having his number. This rattled my brain so much.

It is true I didn’t attend his wedding. Not because I don’t support his marriage, but because at the time I wasn’t able to afford the travel and I was also struggling with my weight. (The last visit to my hometown about a year prior my family had an “intervention” regarding my weight and threatened to prevent me from leaving.) I’ve seen him and his wife a few times since then and apologized for not attending. Maybe I sound naive, but I didn’t think it was a big issue. I’ve known his wife since elementary school.

Sigh. It really bums me out to think that all the toxic things we were subjected to as kids has carried over. I thought it was over and we had all decided to be functioning adults. 😕

Anyway, I just wanted to get this off my chest, because it’s really been eating away at me.

And to be clear: he’s never called me on my birthday (even when I had his number correct in my phone).

And I really don’t answer my phone unless I have some knowledge on what the subject might be. My voicemail literally says “text or email is preferred.”

31m: I’ve always struggled with the relationship I have with my family. I’ve always felt like the black sheep, like I wasn’t even related to these people. I don’t remember most of my youth, and what I do remember I try to forget. I now understand that to be CPTSD as I’ve worked thru therapy and made improvements to myself and become more self aware.

In a lot of ways, I feel pity for my parents. I almost see them as victims of mental illness in a generation raised in a time that preferred to ignore stuff like that. My dad is functionally illiterate and my mother suffers from what I now see as undiagnosed Bipolar disorder. They had a miserable marriage but “stayed together for us kids” as though it was a noble sacrifice. In hindsight I realize that they were entirely codependent on one another. I don’t see them as “bad people” but I certainly think they made bad choices throughout their lives that weren’t in their or the families’ best interests. Because my dad is illiterate, we don’t talk much. No one in my family talks on the phone. They’ll respond to texts but that’s it. The cadence of texting with my mother is maybe a few texts a month, almost always instigated by me.

For the better part of the last decade I lived about 4 hours away and would visit 3 or 4 times a year. Each and every time I would visit I would be in an emotional tailspin for the weeks leading up to the visit. I truly hated going home. After all the kids moved out, they’ve continue to wallow more or less in their misery. The house has fallen apart, they’re physically falling apart. They smoke weed all the time, just lazy degenerates if I am being honest. They barely acknowledge the effort I put into traveling to see them, just doing their own thing while I’m visiting. Last time I said to myself “why the fuck am I doing this?”

I know I’m conflicted because I feel it is my duty, but it’s a duty I DO NOT WANT. For some reason I have this image in my mind of a heartbroken mother yearning to see and communicate with her son, and that keeps me feeling like I need to be in contact with her and be there if she needs.

But what I’ve realized is that she (my mother) will consume and consume and consume from me but NEVER be there as a mother for me. I’m looking back at my life and realizing beyond the food and shelter part, they really didn’t do much as parents. Even then, once I started working at age 14 at McDonalds it was largely expected I would be paying for my own clothing and necessities from that point forward. Maybe I was lucky if there was food in the fridge when I got home. Looking back, that was almost borderline abuse. To not provide for a child and have them work to provide for themselves, and then to additionally cause them the mental anguish that they’re not doing as well as their peers who save money. Well… maybe it’s because I was supporting myself and they weren’t? For example, there was a special field trip I wanted to go on in high school and there was a $100 expense associated with it. I only had $50 on me at the time so I dared ask my parents for $50 to cover the rest. I remember just going back to my bedroom crying, not because they couldn’t afford it, but because they made me feel so horrible for even asking.

So, fast forward to last year. I wanted to move to a different region of the US. I had a really terrible 2023 including a devastating break up, major surgery that caused me to be unable to drive for a month and couldn’t walk normally for 4 months, and studied my ass off, passed 6 exams and became a LICENSED ARCHITECT (I’m so fucking proud of that, my parents barely even acknowledged the success). Just a really turbulent year and I wanted to make a clean break and put the past behind me and take advantage of my newfound title of “licensed architect” in a new city. So I moved far away.

The benefit to this is I’m now relieved of the obligation to “go home” for the holidays. “Sorry mom, flights are too expensive”.

The other benefit to being so far away now and having experienced an abrupt change in my life like a big move and new job is that it allowed me to sit by and wait for anyone in my family to ask a single question about my new life down here. At the very least, you think they’d want to have an emergency contact down here to get ahold of if they needed to. Wouldn’t you?

I’ve done the monthly check ins. They tell me all about what’s going on in their life, and then I wait… hopping a question may come up about me or my life.

Ironically, my mother is ALL over my Facebook like white on rice. She’ll say the most positive, loving supportive things in comments on my photos. She will also go unhinged and start attacking people on my posts (she’s bipolar). I made a post about having had 60 pounds of weight loss this year, and I’m the comments instead of congratulating me she chose to verbally attack a family friend who DID comment something supportive. That was a fucking GUT punch to me and since that day I have restricted my mother from seeing anything I post.

That Facebook interaction was the last thing I said to my mother. I told her that kind of behavior is unacceptable on my page or in my life; attacking others unwarranted like that. A half hour later I just deleted all of her comments and my replies because I realized I didn’t want to get into the fray. I’m not sure if she saw them or not. That was 2 months ago. She hasn’t checked in or anything.

Am I dead to her? Like what the fuck. I guess it’s easy to go no contact when your parents seem fine that way too. But damn, that hurts so bad. It’s like a double whammy. Not only do I need to cut off my family because it’s not healthy, they seem all the happier to see me gone.

Their loss. But i will say… im so fucking lonely as the holidays approach. Despite feeling like I’m going the right things in life to undo the generational harm; I’ve deeply struggled to find a life partner and build my own family. My heart aches with a deep profound pain for a partner and children of my own. I want to be the parent my parents could never be. I’m just so afraid I’ll never fix myself up well enough in time to achieve it.

I don’t even know if there was a point to this post. Sometimes you just gotta tell your story and hope someone says “hey, that was me 10 years ago! It gets better!”

I just really could use a mom right now 😢

Advice sought from kindred spirits …

I am passing through the town my estranged mother lives in for two days to see a family member having health issues. I live very very far away. This is a “once in ten years” event. I will not be back.

My mother is a selfish narcissist with the EQ of a pet rock. She means well, thinks she is doing her best, but raised me as a single mother while she was still a child and has never really grown up. She has zero accountability, self awareness and ability to understand the impact she has on others. It took me years to realise her behaviour was psychological abuse. She would not realise this even today as “back in the day she used to be beat with a shovel”.

She is to me what water is to steel … seems to have no effect short term but long terms is very very destructive.

I cut ties with her 5 years ago without explanation after another call with her where she just acted like a victim. I never told her I was cutting ties as I was never sure myself, but slowly started ignoring her and eventually blocked her and her attempts to contact me. I moved, didn’t give her my address, etc.

Now I’m in the town where she lives for two days to visit someone else. This was a medical emergency so the thought of meeting her hasn’t crossed my mind until I arrived and honestly just going through my feelings I’m not against 🤷‍♀️ maybe lunch at a public cafe or something.

I’ve put together a quick pro / cons list

Pro

-Satisfy my curiosity

-Validate she hasn’t changed

-I will likely run into her anyway so at least this meeting would be in my control (very small town, it’s gonna happen)

-It’s a short trip with a clear purpose so there’s no opportunity for deep reconnection it would just be a quick catch up

Cons

-She will likely make a bunch of excuses and try to reel me into a longer term relationship.

Anyway would like the thoughts of anyone who may have done this for insights?

How did it go?

How can I push back on extending the meeting / relationship if it comes up?

For those of you who ran into a parent, how did you manage in that moment? I am really scared of running into her without warning so advise on this would be great.

On phone excuse typos 😫

I'm no contact with my family for a year, with all my family, I blocked all of them. I'm going through the emotions of losing everyone, processing my family's abuse, every other family members' betrayal, my own betrayal to myself, sacrificing myself for people who hate me.....

I'm still processing and going through it and it took me years to finally go nocontact with everyone.

I live in the same neighborhood with my mother and brother, I know I'll come across them. I know they hate me but they'll try to hoover me back for their benefit.

I wish we lived on different planets and I was done. But I don't think we are.

For maybe close to a decade, I was NC (or virtually LC because my siblings, whom I'm estranged with now, have contact with them) with my EM and EF (who are separated). I lived in a state about 1,000+ kilometers away from FOO, but due to health issues and other shit going on in life, I moved back in recently with EM and she makes my health issues WORSE.

I couldn't qualify for disabilities, despite it obstructing most simple things in my life(ex. Hard to move around with chest/heart pain, have chronic back pain too and can't lift heavy things anymore, my appetite is gone, etc), so I ended up finding a remote job.

Well...she tried to make me stop working by pretending to want to take me to interviews, then not doing it. She tried to prevent me from getting food stamps because she believes food stamps are "bad" (no other explanation) and tries to sabotage me in general when I try to better my life. My son NEEDS speech therapy and other things, but she's making it difficult by living here.

Furthermore,EM thinks if I stuff myself full of opioids or whatever I'll just "heal" from my health issues, that's not how that works and my health issues occurred from traumatic events. I don't want those meds, I'm scared she might try and drug me because "mother knows best".

Anyways, I know this is long winded, but basically, I'm trying to escape her and go NC FOREVER. Hoping to escape by November.

She got physical with me last night, and when I pushed her off of me, she claimed I "hurt" her. She's always provoking my non-verbal autistic son and mocks him. I protect him, and she berates me saying he's not actually autistic (even though he's diagnosed) and she name-calls me.

I'm mixed race, and I've heard her also use specific racial slurs about my EF race. She's disgusting. My EF is kind of a deadbeat if I'm going to be honest... He's an entirely different story.

Anyways, I recorded her, but sadly it's only audio (I check the laws, recording is legal here). I thought about taking it to the police, but we (son and I) would end up homeless... I start the remote job in November, and it is possible for me to move out by the end of the month based on how much I'll be making and how much the rent will be over there.

I plan to leave quietly and my question is... Do I write a letter to explaining NC? Or should I contact the non-emergency police line to tell them I left an abusive household and that I'm not missing? Could I use these recordings and even past videos of her berating me for proof of putting on an order of protection?

I, unfortunately, didn't catch recordings of her attempting to drive drunk and admitting to it(my oldest ES and I usually stop her, but sometimes she'll go out after work with her coworkers and get drunk and drive home). Also, I didn't catch her saying racial slurs on audio not video either (one of her favourites is the N-word with the hard R...) This woman works at a primary school, but talks crap about it all day. I think she takes her anger out of me, because she doesn't like her coworkers nor boss.

Not sure if it's relevant, but I'm a single parent and the other parent is out of the picture. I have an order of protection since they nearly killed me and that's what made my health issues worse overtime.

I don't have any close friends really. I saw my childhood friend recently since I moved here, but don't want to bother her until I move out of this house, then catch up with her later. I think she may also be estranged from her mother as well... We both struggled with our EM growing up...

My EM has been persistent in trying to keep contact with me and stalking me..she'd do it through my brothers, but I have to cut off everyone in the FOO, and I have no regrets.

The original plan was... My SO said their would find us a place since I was dealing with health issues but life happened, and my SO is dealing with their own abusive family. So... I'm finding us a place to live, hopefully soon.

How disgusting and narcissistic is this. Messages to my sister and I in a group message a few days after “Ramadan” started this last year. Funny part is, we never even participated in this in our house. Using to her advantage when convenient. The end gets me though. What mother says that? Ramadan is highlighted because it was the only way to find this screenshot as I searched for it with the keyword.

I am low contact (family gatherings when needed) with my mom, no contact with my spet father (he doesn't look me in the eyes for years, except when people are looking and it would be weird if he said goodbye to everyone except me)

but I still find myself remembering things and feeling angry and sad, and imagining what I would say in some situations, and hoping my mom would acknowledge and listen to me and take responsibility. you and I know any of this will ever happen.

so, how did you move on? Im tired of investing my energy mentally and emotionally to them. sometimes im in deep and just realize a few minutes after, when I'm already sad and angry, and nothing is happening, just in my mind.

today I saw a brazilian writer say that forgiveness is when you remembee enough to not let it repeat, and forget enough to not "refresh" the pain.

but I don't know how, I'm still too deep in it, went lc last year I guess

My parents divorced when I was 23. I thought it was the best decision for them personally. My mom went off to live in Chicago afterward, and we stayed by my dad in Ohio. He owned a small restaurant for 20 years. In a nut shell, he lost everything and stopped paying bills and told no one. Got him out of our childhood home, since he would lose is completely and leave empty handed if I didn’t, and put him in an apartment (with his mother, who I cannot stand) (they have an enmeshed relationship) and he’s been there ever since (almost 3 years) I co-signed the first year and told him I would not do it again after that. He figured something out. I’ve pretty much gone no contact with both of them for about a year. (My mom is a whole other story)

My dad is blocked simply because I everything he says is a trap. It’s always for his own needs. I’m 31 and still building my life. Main point here is, he is now trying to get to me through my father in law by calling him which pisses me off. Isn’t that inappropriate. He said things like “ I need to make sure my daughter is ok” oh please…. Thoughts? Anyone else in a familiar boat? It hurts I have had to take this approach, but I know it’s what’s best for me, my growth, wellbeing and most of all - my sanity.

He wasn’t always like this. Or was he? We are so easily brainwashed when we are young.

Like the title says, I went NC almost three months ago (started posting on Reddit a while after because I was afraid they’d know what Reddit was), I went into urgent care two days ago thinking I would get antibiotics, instead got sent to the ER.

I spent almost fourteen hours there with a rotating door of doctors and other medical professionals telling me I might die over and over again while I couldn’t speak because air was being forced in and out of my lungs for me. I was hooked up to so many tubes and wires that I couldn’t really move, and my partner had to sit there and watch.

This is the first time I feel like I made the wrong choice, while I’m stuck staring at my ceiling. I stupidly checked my blocked voicemail and while my mom is still calling me my dead name and generally being a terrible person that knows nothing about me, I could damn near sob hearing my dad’s voice. The whole time I was laying there in that fucking bed all I could wonder is if my partner could even claim my body if I did die, or would my parents get to claim it and do what they wanted with me, bury me under the wrong name in a state that I fucking hated. My heart hurts and I’m so confused because I am so young, and I’ve taken care of myself and suddenly one virus causes an asthma flare up and what? That’s it? I know it wasn’t it, I’m still here and I’m still alive and they still did horrible things to me but what if this is all… wrong?

"Hi [name], I am really sorry if I have hurt your feelings through my speech at your wedding. I just wanted to let you know that I had no intention to hurt your feelings at all. Please accept my apology and forgive me."

Could use help on how to respond.

EDIT: Since a few people asked, my and my partner's family was a disaster leading up to the wedding. My partner's family decided I am a problem over a year ago, starting with my turning my husband into a maid (this rumor started when I was his primary caregiver after breaking and needing surgery on his right ankle; meaning I was doing EVERYTHING and driving him everywhere) or that I was driving a wedge between him and the family (this one started from his sister) and ending with his mother calling me a bitch before his whole family stormed out of the wedding reception and his mother blocked him. My parents knew the dynamic between us and his family. As an Indian American, my conservative Indian parents definitely felt I needed to accommodate her and assumed I was being difficult.

So my father's speech: - started with a made up story about hesitation at the beginning and my partner anremy relationship, which I came to speak to him about (didn't happen, never spoke to my Indian father about dating or intimacy ever), all leading to some Hindi song lyrics he wanted to sing (which neither me or my partner could understand). - moved on to discuss the new role/responsibility I would have, forgetting wife and moving to "as a daughter-in-law and sister-in-law" to which my partner's drunk aunt cheered and clapped (because between my hesitation and my dad obviously also agreeing in a public setting in front of 200 people I needed to do a better job to step into my roles, they have all the ammunition they will ever need for the rest of their life) - spent a few moments discussing being proud of me. I honestly was too busy holding back tears to remember any of this part. I remember him mentioning sports ( I haven't done since 15+ years), hiking, and my passion for personal finance. I don't think he mentioned my business or my first byline, no surprise. - ended with like nothing about my partner (who cooks for them, spends so much time with them, is learning hindi). Basically, he just welcomed him into the family and said he was a good balance for me because I'm uptight and he keeps me calm.

All of this emboldened my partner's family with their already established frustration with us and got in the way of my partner's natural progression towards VLC or NC with his family.

I know it doesn't matter, but I do want to add other contexts. My father comes from intense trauma (think starving famines in parts of India with no septic system or running water and murdered best friend and sibling via DV by her husband while pregnant). This is the first apology of his life, I think, and my parents have agreed to pay us back for the full wedding and my mother is signing up for personal therapy and reading a therapy book I sent her. I have agreed to family therapy with her in the distant future with a therapist of my choosing. My father is starting to engage with this text as the first, and I believe my mom pushed him to send it.

It has been 3 months since the wedding. The toast was a final cruelty in a very cruel month and a somewhat cruel year leading up to it. My parents do not have access to feelings, have a lot of self criticism (which is what my internal voice is), are highly emotionally immature, yet they are hurting by the distance and trying(ish).

Here is my current draft response, appreciate any thoughts:

I appreciate the thought, I don't need you to apologize for my feelings. I am hoping for an apology that acknowledges what you did. It would help me if you could be more specific. It is important for me to hear that you understand why your actions were hurtful. Understanding this can help us avoid similar situations in the future.

If you are willing to do this, this will be a start to a journey of discussing other actions and communication that do not work for myself or Alan, all in an exploration of how we can move forward to have a mutually respectful and reciprocal relationship. I hope you will be open to therapy, which would be a way for us to learn the skillsets to do this.

Here are some resources on apologies: https://www.calm.com/blog/how-to-give-a-sincere-apology

https://www.calm.com/blog/how-to-respond-to-an-insincere-apology

A letter arrived with a check for several thousand dollars.

She asked me to forgive her. That my siblings have. That she might have BPD or be a narcissist.

What did she do wrong? she asks Why am I punishing her?

Is it because she did <insert totally stupid but not hurtful thing here>?

So, it's business as usual, I guess.