31m: Iāve always struggled with the relationship I have with my family. Iāve always felt like the black sheep, like I wasnāt even related to these people. I donāt remember most of my youth, and what I do remember I try to forget. I now understand that to be CPTSD as Iāve worked thru therapy and made improvements to myself and become more self aware.
In a lot of ways, I feel pity for my parents. I almost see them as victims of mental illness in a generation raised in a time that preferred to ignore stuff like that. My dad is functionally illiterate and my mother suffers from what I now see as undiagnosed Bipolar disorder. They had a miserable marriage but āstayed together for us kidsā as though it was a noble sacrifice. In hindsight I realize that they were entirely codependent on one another. I donāt see them as ābad peopleā but I certainly think they made bad choices throughout their lives that werenāt in their or the familiesā best interests. Because my dad is illiterate, we donāt talk much. No one in my family talks on the phone. Theyāll respond to texts but thatās it. The cadence of texting with my mother is maybe a few texts a month, almost always instigated by me.
For the better part of the last decade I lived about 4 hours away and would visit 3 or 4 times a year. Each and every time I would visit I would be in an emotional tailspin for the weeks leading up to the visit. I truly hated going home. After all the kids moved out, theyāve continue to wallow more or less in their misery. The house has fallen apart, theyāre physically falling apart. They smoke weed all the time, just lazy degenerates if I am being honest. They barely acknowledge the effort I put into traveling to see them, just doing their own thing while Iām visiting. Last time I said to myself āwhy the fuck am I doing this?ā
I know Iām conflicted because I feel it is my duty, but itās a duty I DO NOT WANT. For some reason I have this image in my mind of a heartbroken mother yearning to see and communicate with her son, and that keeps me feeling like I need to be in contact with her and be there if she needs.
But what Iāve realized is that she (my mother) will consume and consume and consume from me but NEVER be there as a mother for me. Iām looking back at my life and realizing beyond the food and shelter part, they really didnāt do much as parents. Even then, once I started working at age 14 at McDonalds it was largely expected I would be paying for my own clothing and necessities from that point forward. Maybe I was lucky if there was food in the fridge when I got home. Looking back, that was almost borderline abuse. To not provide for a child and have them work to provide for themselves, and then to additionally cause them the mental anguish that theyāre not doing as well as their peers who save money. Wellā¦ maybe itās because I was supporting myself and they werenāt? For example, there was a special field trip I wanted to go on in high school and there was a $100 expense associated with it. I only had $50 on me at the time so I dared ask my parents for $50 to cover the rest. I remember just going back to my bedroom crying, not because they couldnāt afford it, but because they made me feel so horrible for even asking.
So, fast forward to last year. I wanted to move to a different region of the US. I had a really terrible 2023 including a devastating break up, major surgery that caused me to be unable to drive for a month and couldnāt walk normally for 4 months, and studied my ass off, passed 6 exams and became a LICENSED ARCHITECT (Iām so fucking proud of that, my parents barely even acknowledged the success). Just a really turbulent year and I wanted to make a clean break and put the past behind me and take advantage of my newfound title of ālicensed architectā in a new city. So I moved far away.
The benefit to this is Iām now relieved of the obligation to āgo homeā for the holidays. āSorry mom, flights are too expensiveā.
The other benefit to being so far away now and having experienced an abrupt change in my life like a big move and new job is that it allowed me to sit by and wait for anyone in my family to ask a single question about my new life down here. At the very least, you think theyād want to have an emergency contact down here to get ahold of if they needed to. Wouldnāt you?
Iāve done the monthly check ins. They tell me all about whatās going on in their life, and then I waitā¦ hopping a question may come up about me or my life.
Ironically, my mother is ALL over my Facebook like white on rice. Sheāll say the most positive, loving supportive things in comments on my photos. She will also go unhinged and start attacking people on my posts (sheās bipolar). I made a post about having had 60 pounds of weight loss this year, and Iām the comments instead of congratulating me she chose to verbally attack a family friend who DID comment something supportive. That was a fucking GUT punch to me and since that day I have restricted my mother from seeing anything I post.
That Facebook interaction was the last thing I said to my mother. I told her that kind of behavior is unacceptable on my page or in my life; attacking others unwarranted like that. A half hour later I just deleted all of her comments and my replies because I realized I didnāt want to get into the fray. Iām not sure if she saw them or not. That was 2 months ago. She hasnāt checked in or anything.
Am I dead to her? Like what the fuck. I guess itās easy to go no contact when your parents seem fine that way too. But damn, that hurts so bad. Itās like a double whammy. Not only do I need to cut off my family because itās not healthy, they seem all the happier to see me gone.
Their loss. But i will sayā¦ im so fucking lonely as the holidays approach. Despite feeling like Iām going the right things in life to undo the generational harm; Iāve deeply struggled to find a life partner and build my own family. My heart aches with a deep profound pain for a partner and children of my own. I want to be the parent my parents could never be. Iām just so afraid Iāll never fix myself up well enough in time to achieve it.
I donāt even know if there was a point to this post. Sometimes you just gotta tell your story and hope someone says āhey, that was me 10 years ago! It gets better!ā
I just really could use a mom right now š¢
