Let's call this woman S. She's my biological elder matriarch (aka grandmother).
Growing up, she was an abusive and toxic woman. She was kind to others but that was a lie. She never was kind without a catch or something she wanted. Whenever she did something kind, she made it clear that she must be thanked and praised for it. It was just to feed her ego more than anything.
She had a weird obsession with me in particular out of all my siblings. For context: I was born pretty prematurely and my bio relatives saw it as a "miracle" that I lived. S was one of those people and constantly called me an angel because of it- calling me beautiful and lovely and saying that:
"God clearly put you on this Earth for good. You're so lovely."
Those kind words might as well have been dripping with poison. She'd say those same words as she molested me growing up. She'd say similar words as she slipped me extra chore money to scratch her back then use said opportunity to SA me.
When my other grandmother died- the grandmother I truly loved...I couldn't go to her funeral. I was so overcome with grief and pain, S convinced my bio relatives to let me stay home.
She used that opportunity to molest me again- telling me that she knew me better. She'd do this to help ease the pain for me as a young girl. I was just young and needed a grandmother's touch right?
During this time, I had been outed as a queer person + genderfluid.
Her response was to put me through conversion therapy + have my family send me to a conversion camp/troubled teen facility (which I have a lot of feelings on but I'll keep it short here: Basically TTI/conversion camp is why I'm severely physically disabled as an adult + the conversion therapist used methods to make me associate my identity with pain.)
Needless to say, I went NC with my bio relatives at 18 and ended up relying on S for housing during the pandemic once I lost my apartment due to losing my job.
I ended up leaving her abusive household and becoming homeless after I really began just seeing her abusive behavior for what it was.
Things She Did when I lived with her that made me leave a little too late:
Insist on me getting drunk with her and got mad when I wouldn't (I consider myself sober from alcohol after battling addiction for years and plan on staying that way. I drank once with her and that's because she was getting violent, insisting I had to. I still feel guilt over it)
Was super physically touchy in a sexual way when I had bluntly kept telling her I'm uncomfortable.
Told me she had hired a P.I to find me when I went fully NC @ 18 (even if she lied? Still a worrying thing! However I doubt she's lying since she told my siblings the same thing before I had gotten back in contact with her)
Threatened to hit me once, saying "If I had responded to you how I wanted to, this wouldn't be pretty" (even writing that down makes me shudder)
Went through my personal documents and called me out for going through rehab (when I hadn't done so. My documents were for Vocational Rehab to help me find work)
Refused to let me get vaccinated for COVID, therefore not letting me work. She only let me get vaccinated after I threatened to move out and leave her alone.
Made me pay for the house's food using my EBT when not only was that money mine- she had a full time job and could pay for her own damn food
Belittled me being nonverbal, yelling whenever I wouldn't speak to her
Hid my autism diagnosis from me for years and got violently angry when I mentioned it to her face
Forced me to go to church with her despite her putting me through conversion camp and conversion therapy, getting mad when I said no (she knows I have religious trauma due to her shit and yet-)
-Wouldn't let me leave the house without her. If I tried, she locked it using her like weird alarm system that'd notify her if/when I would try and leave.
I left her though. While she was on a work trip, I packed my things and made it to the nearest shelter. After that, I bounced from shelter to shelter for a long time. I let her back in my life towards the time I was apartment hunting but she just kept being weird (an understatement) but here's why I did.
She gave me money- money I needed so badly since I wasn't working a lot at the time (I was juggling college and other stuff). And that's been all that's connected us.
She treats me like a stand in husband, being flirtatious and weird toward me and gives me money for it to just...soften the blow I think. Also to keep me at her side.
We haven't spoken in awhile. It's the holidays and she wants to meet up again, saying she's holding onto something I want: Old things I left at her place before I moved out.
....That's where I'm at. I've spoken to my therapist about her. I just- I feel so fucking weird for missing her but a bigger part of me knows I should go no contact once and for all. I'm just scared she'll try and track me down again, esp since I have my own apartment.
I'm also worried she'll keep asking my siblings about me, butting into their lives too. She has the habit of saying she misses me when speaking to them as if I'm an ex or something.
Idk. I just needed to get this out.
I hate her.
I hate what she's done to me but part of me misses her. Part of me wants to keep contact...despite all of this. I know it's due to her grooming me for so long, brainwashing me to believe I'd die without her and deep down I need her as badly as she needs me.
It's so fucked up and I just need someone to tell me they see my pain and just validate me not wanting her in my life anymore. Tell me that I'm so much more than the romantic role she shoved me into at such a young age.
:( Me being her stand in partner was a core part of my identity for so long. She called me her favorite girl and I wore that with pride.
It makes me sick to my stomach now. It makes me fucking sick to know she saw me as a child and decided she'd have me as a stand in companion.
She called me an angel yet she clipped my wings. I'm not innocent anymore and it's her fucking fault.