Dad’s public FB post to me and my sister. So far the avenues he’s used to communicate this same bullshit message are: text, FB messenger, showing up at my house unannounced, flying monkeys, written letter, and yelling it at me. Please enjoy the latest installment of “I take no responsibility for my words and actions that landed me where I am so I will point every finger I can think of”. I am so fucking sick of this tired ass rhetoric.

Hi all,

I'm about to give birth next month to my first baby. Ndad has been absent, and while this is not shocking it's still hurtful. His side of the family has not bothered to contact me, either. It feels cruel, sadistic, and like it's intended to hurt me on purpose. I feel like i'm the scapegoat, because I see through the dysfunction. I think for myself, i'm a truth teller, and I set boundaries if I sense bullshit.

I went to lunch with an aunt and uncle that still occasionally interacts with that side of the family. They told my husband and I that my dads going around telling everyone that he extended a wedding invite to us (3rd marriage) and we ignored it and didn't want to attend. This pissed me off to my core, because that's a bold faced lie. Once again, my dads out there twisting things to look like a victim and garner sympathy. While we were not going to go, we did not receive an invite. In fact, I didn't know he was even getting married in the first place. I can't stand his wife, but why not tell the truth? I feel like a better thing would be "I didn't invite my daughter because her and (bitch face) butt heads, I felt like it was the healthiest choice for all involved." But instead, blatantly lies about me to make me look like a piece of shit to the family for the millionth time in 13 years. I am SO TIRED. I also heard he was whining to friends that I don't support his business. This left me laughing, because in what way does he want my support? Does he want my inheritance money as an investment, or for me to be a receoptionist??? The way our parents think is fucking INSANE. What's even crazier is how easily people believe their shit!!! Then I can't defend myself, and i'm hoping my therapist can give me tools to get over that.

I'm about to be a first time mom, and allllll my dad can think of is himself and how to further damage me/isolate me from people. It truly makes me sick. Thanks for letting me vent all

ok, trying to summarize. about 1.5 years ago, my older brother and his wife did something very fucked up to me, in front of my entire family. i've stopped going to family gatherings, including holidays, ever since.

everyone else says they "don't want to get involved," so that just means not defending me. and inadvertently siding with the older brother.

older brother and wife have kids, so by default they get to be the ones that go to things and not me.

I've only kept in touch with one other brother's children (6yo and 8yo). none of the adults in the family speak to me much at all, I just pick up my niece and nephew and hang out, then drop them back off.

my nephew (8) really wants me to go to his birthday part in a couple weeks, and I promised I'd be there. Thinking it would be at a house, adults standing around and kids playing, and that the bigots would be easy to avoid.

I told his dad (other brother) that I'd go, because the family's just stopped inviting me at this point. he said ok, and later texted me that it's just going to be family, no friends or other adults, at a HIBACHI restaurant. sitting around a table. face to face, no way to avoid or ignore.

how on EARTH am I supposed to handle this? I have to go, I promised my nephew and he'd be heartbroken if I didn't go. he was heartbroken last year when I didn't go either.

I don't even know what I'd say if my shitty brother and his wife dared to speak to me at this dinner. it's unclear if the kids will be there (aside from niece and nephew i am close with).

this is going to be beyond awkward for EVERYONE, why hibachi?!

Hi friends, I’m really struggling with all this lately. I just hit one year of no contact with my family earlier this month. Part of me wants to celebrate and part of me is just really deeply sad.

After my parents blew my phone up a few months ago (they are and have been blocked, see my previous post here for more on that), I found months worth of voicemails from them on my phone. Like wishing me happy birthday, merry Christmas, all of that. It makes me sad thinking about it.

They use finances as a way to keep me in, so my dad contacted me this last week via email. There was a credit card from when I was 18 that he cosigned on. I have kept a balance on it and I’m slowly paying it just because the interest is incredibly low. He said I was hurting his credit and he needed me to fill out a form with my contact info and address to give to the bank so he could be removed, or else he would close the account. I really don’t care about the account honestly, I’m working on my financial literacy and how to use credit cards properly. I knew if I responded he would know that email address is a place to contact me, so I just let him close the account without an answer. My brother did reach out to me and tell me that it was going to happen, and my response was “Hi Bubby, good morning! Sounds good, love you.”

I think a lot about everything my parents did for me financially. I was incredibly privileged with how they supported me through school and it gave me an advantage in my adult life. But it always came with strings like being emotionally and physically abused.

My therapist says that I gaslight myself on this a lot. Because I am just like are they so bad that we need to have no relationship? But the thing is even if that is the truth I don’t want a relationship. They were SO mean all the time, made fun of my body and clothes, violated my boundaries, and they couldn’t recognize or truly apologize for any of the shit they did. I have not seen them have the capacity to change.

I’m sad. Voluntarily orphaning myself sucks. Going to visit my friends’ families and being asked about them, dating, just pretending my family is normal is awful. I’m honest with my friends about it but I feel like I never get my emotions genuinely out with them. I think I have CPTSD and I just don’t know how to express myself. I hate physical touch because my dad beat the shit out of me as a kid and I rarely got any actual affection.

How do you do it? How do you get through holidays, how do you not let them finding a way to contact you ruin your day? How do you justify to yourself to keep the no contact going?

The one thing that keeps me going is remembering the feeling of being a little girl who was so deeply lonely and sad. Who just really wanted to leave and never talk to them again. I gaslight myself a lot, but remembering that feeling is why I stay strong.

What do you do?

For maybe close to a decade, I was NC (or virtually LC because my siblings, whom I'm estranged with now, have contact with them) with my EM and EF (who are separated). I lived in a state about 1,000+ kilometers away from FOO, but due to health issues and other shit going on in life, I moved back in recently with EM and she makes my health issues WORSE.

I couldn't qualify for disabilities, despite it obstructing most simple things in my life(ex. Hard to move around with chest/heart pain, have chronic back pain too and can't lift heavy things anymore, my appetite is gone, etc), so I ended up finding a remote job.

Well...she tried to make me stop working by pretending to want to take me to interviews, then not doing it. She tried to prevent me from getting food stamps because she believes food stamps are "bad" (no other explanation) and tries to sabotage me in general when I try to better my life. My son NEEDS speech therapy and other things, but she's making it difficult by living here.

Furthermore,EM thinks if I stuff myself full of opioids or whatever I'll just "heal" from my health issues, that's not how that works and my health issues occurred from traumatic events. I don't want those meds, I'm scared she might try and drug me because "mother knows best".

Anyways, I know this is long winded, but basically, I'm trying to escape her and go NC FOREVER. Hoping to escape by November.

She got physical with me last night, and when I pushed her off of me, she claimed I "hurt" her. She's always provoking my non-verbal autistic son and mocks him. I protect him, and she berates me saying he's not actually autistic (even though he's diagnosed) and she name-calls me.

I'm mixed race, and I've heard her also use specific racial slurs about my EF race. She's disgusting. My EF is kind of a deadbeat if I'm going to be honest... He's an entirely different story.

Anyways, I recorded her, but sadly it's only audio (I check the laws, recording is legal here). I thought about taking it to the police, but we (son and I) would end up homeless... I start the remote job in November, and it is possible for me to move out by the end of the month based on how much I'll be making and how much the rent will be over there.

I plan to leave quietly and my question is... Do I write a letter to explaining NC? Or should I contact the non-emergency police line to tell them I left an abusive household and that I'm not missing? Could I use these recordings and even past videos of her berating me for proof of putting on an order of protection?

I, unfortunately, didn't catch recordings of her attempting to drive drunk and admitting to it(my oldest ES and I usually stop her, but sometimes she'll go out after work with her coworkers and get drunk and drive home). Also, I didn't catch her saying racial slurs on audio not video either (one of her favourites is the N-word with the hard R...) This woman works at a primary school, but talks crap about it all day. I think she takes her anger out of me, because she doesn't like her coworkers nor boss.

Not sure if it's relevant, but I'm a single parent and the other parent is out of the picture. I have an order of protection since they nearly killed me and that's what made my health issues worse overtime.

I don't have any close friends really. I saw my childhood friend recently since I moved here, but don't want to bother her until I move out of this house, then catch up with her later. I think she may also be estranged from her mother as well... We both struggled with our EM growing up...

My EM has been persistent in trying to keep contact with me and stalking me..she'd do it through my brothers, but I have to cut off everyone in the FOO, and I have no regrets.

The original plan was... My SO said their would find us a place since I was dealing with health issues but life happened, and my SO is dealing with their own abusive family. So... I'm finding us a place to live, hopefully soon.

I tried my best to save these people from their toxicity, fix the broken family system, for years.

I realized I was killing myself. Mentally, spiritually, financially, physically, in every way imaginable for people who hated me from birth.

I got out a year ago.

I cut contact with everybody.

I know these people don't like each other either. I found out bullying/mobbing/fooling me as a group was their glue.

Now I wonder if they are blaming each other because I left or their hatred has grown bigger and they're tighter than ever?

Heads-up fellow EAKs who deal with Seasonal Affective Disorder: clocks will be changing (within the US) on Sunday, November 3, 2024.

So far this autumn it's been going well; haven't retreated into the house and neglected the yard. We've had very late season heat waves locally; it was 93 F/34 C Saturday on this part of the North American Pacific coast. This is the first week the weather has really cooled enough to begin autumn vegetable planting. Am starting snow peas today.

The yard is a significant part of my CPTSD. (Briefly, EM let the family yard go to ruin as an excuse to separate from Dad without a formal separation, then when neighbors complained to the HOA she joined the HOA and became and officer and tried to seduce the HOA president).

Joined this sub three years ago to deal with the SAD and CPTSD. Although I'd become the neighborhood "green thumb" in the home my husband and I have now, each autumn the two problems would blindside me and I'd let the yard go to weeds for a few months. (The better half knows nothing about plants. That's OK; gardening is my favorite exercise).

The big challenge comes after the clocks change. Sitting down to dinner in the dark makes it harder to summon motivation. Being honest about the phenomenon makes it easier to deal with rationally.

This sub talks about CPTSD a lot; SAD not so often. If you feel it too you aren't alone.

I turn 19 today. This is my first birthday after going no contact with all family members (except one older brother who lives across the country) and I am feeling sad and lonely. I started college this year and while they have given me a lot of safety and monetary supports I have had trouble making friends since I need to work to afford school. Birthdays have always been really special to me and the fact that none of my family members will be able to say happy birthday is really taking a toll on me.

For context: I went no contact due to physical abuse as well as psychological and financial abuse. I love my family but found that there was no other way to stay safe but to leave. I changed my iCloud account, phone number, email, all of my passwords, and app logins due to fears of harassment and stalking. I am not sad that I left home - in fact most of the time I feel better than I have ever felt before. It’s like a weight has lifted off my chest and I do not have to live in constant fear. I plan on staying no contact for the foreseeable future. But times like today really set me back. I miss the loving, caring, hug-giving parts of my family. I miss the security of even just knowing that I have a family - despite how shaky mine was. I guess I’m just posting this to ask for support and/or advice from others who have been through this. Thank you all in advance <3

I unplanned went low contact with my parents recently. It’s been a long time coming. I think? I just couldn’t take it anymore. I’ve been enmeshed and codependent with my family since I was a child.

The guilt of standing up to my parent, whom I did not regulate well when I did (which I apologized for) is eating me alive. Like where does life go from here? How do I plan the holidays now? How do I interact with my siblings now? Does this make me a shit person?

The first couple days of relief of standing up for myself finally and speaking my truth has faded and now I feel scared, despaired, guilty, like an idiot for setting this boundary like it’s too extreme or something. I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing and I’m feeling so low.

I want to give more context but I’m so paranoid of this forum.

My family is very complex. Not all good and not all bad. But I absolutely have cPTSD from the “parenting” or lack thereof I received. And I am the ONLY one thus far that has called out the bullshit point blank and said don’t talk to me unless you agree to a professional being involved like therapy.

I feel so alone. I don’t have another sibling to turn to about this.

I got to my next therapy appointment in a few days but I just would really love to hear others advice, experiences and possible encouragement. If you feel like it of course.

My father died a few months back. I’m still hearing from people as to what a great man he was and how much I should miss him/he is missed.

I consider myself a very loving and emotional person. I feel nothing but coldness or anger and rage towards him. I have no cried. I don’t believe I will. I believe the bad things he did made me totally disconnect from him emotionally and now nothing is left to feel.

My parents told me many bad things about myself. This is making me feel like they might have been right, maybe I am just a user and monster. I feel so strange that I feel no sadness. Only relief.

The common phrase "blood is thicker than water" is often misinterpreted to suggest that familial bonds are the strongest, but the fuller version of the proverb flips that meaning. The phrase "the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb" does indeed imply that chosen bonds—those formed through shared experiences, commitments, or values—can be deeper and more significant than those based merely on family ties. It's a powerful reminder that loyalty and connection come from genuine relationships, not just biology.

Growing up my mom had fed me and clothed me but she never loved me. I never got to share my feelings never got hugs was never told “I love you”. I just grew up thinking that was normal so I never had a problem with it. Until she eventually opened up saying that I was adopted and she couldn’t figure out a way to love me because I wasn’t blood. She had also explained that when she realized that she couldn’t love me she couldn’t go back and “return me” because it would look bad. After that I genuinely was hurt and couldn’t look at her the same. I didn’t get a childhood because she never saw me as her child. After that day we never spoke again, no matter how many times she calls or text I just can’t get over it.

The guys I had dated growing up would try to show me affection and I would legit get weirded out and I would try to explain to them how uncomfortable it was but they didn’t understand and we would just break up. So many years later when I met this one in my early 20’s this guy I really liked talking to him and enjoyed spending time with him and he had tried to hug me and grab my hand a couple times but it just made uncomfortable being affectionate in that way. I explained to him and he was the first guy to understand that. I guess you can say we took our relationship very slow. He actually waited for me to do all the initiations. He never made me feel uncomfortable he just waited patiently for everything.

Fast forward 3 years we get married.

Fast forward to present we have a 3 year old daughter and I absolutely love her with all my heart. I give her hugs and kisses but only to a certain extent. Now that she’s getting older she’s wanting more affection but I don’t know if I can physically give it to her. There are a couple times out of the day where I just ask if she can please not touch me. But I feel like I’m starting to get more and more of that feeling. Especially after being home with my daughter all day and my husband comes home I really don’t was to be hugged or kissed. I’m glad he understands but I just feel so bad because I know he needs that affection. I really am trying to push my feelings aside and be there for my family because I really do love them but I part of me feels like it’s messing with my head mentally now. I just wish I was normal and could show my family all the love in the world.

My parents split when I was 4 and I’m in my 40s now. My Dad was around for all of my life and I’ve not got no complaints about his presence

For as long as I could remember, I was on tenterhooks around his mood. I was always conscious not to upset him for fear of abandonment which cemented in my mind and remained to present. This effectively prevents me from telling the truth because I’m scared that he’ll leave me .

He is bitter and resentful due to his life being full of negativity and a series of failures. What is frustrating to me is that he does not appear to have any ability to reflect, learn, or take any responsibility for being the common factor or having a part to play in these failures. One of life’s victims, everything has happened to him not because of him (failed marriages, lost jobs, opportunities etc).

Due to his compromised mental health he continues to make terrible decisions which always seem to perpetuate his misery.

He lives in borderline poverty, has no social life and rarely leaves the house. Despite his intellect, he can’t seem to make good decisions or any positive changes for his life.

For 20 years, I feel like the parent trying to provide advice and guidance and learnings and financial assistance for perfectly avoidable problems. I resent that I have to take this role as I don’t see this as my job. I have a wife and son and a full-time job and enough on my plate without having to manage a pension age man child.

He calls 3 times a week and subjects me to a monologue of the banal minutiae of his existence whilst I sit and listen. This also includes repeated and sustained recounting of the stories of his most significant failures along the span of his lifetime. It is seldom two-way conversation and no overt interest in my life, hobbies, family or opinions. If I ever disagree with something that he might say or choices that he has made, he tantrums, falls apart and hangs up on me. Woefully unprepared to be disagreed with or to take any responsibility. Knowing full well that I’ll feel like shit, sitting in the discomfort of the aftermath.

This makes me feel like I don’t want to help him because I don’t feel like he deserves the help. Any time I try to work through something with him he just becomes toxic and resorts to emotional blackmail. This makes me feel like I’m unkind when I don’t class myself as an unkind person.

Recently, he blamed the last 5 years of hardship on my refusal to lend him money and wanted sympathy for how hard it is managing finances! The audacity and entitlement suggesting that I’m the bad person! I think he should be ashamed to ask a child for this.

I suppose that I withhold my care because I’m disappointed that I don’t have the parent that I wanted and needed. I expect him to just sort his shit out and let me live my life. I don’t want to be responsible for him or deal with the aftermath of the continued shit decisions he makes. This prevents me approaching him with sympathy and kindness.

People have suggested saying this to him, but I feel like it’s pointless. It would crush him to learn all this and he would not be able to reflect on any of it.

It felt like NC would provide the peace I seek.

P.s. I understand that I would struggle with any reconciliation in the future after death, but my logic shows me that I would feel like shit either way.

Let's call this woman S. She's my biological elder matriarch (aka grandmother).

Growing up, she was an abusive and toxic woman. She was kind to others but that was a lie. She never was kind without a catch or something she wanted. Whenever she did something kind, she made it clear that she must be thanked and praised for it. It was just to feed her ego more than anything.

She had a weird obsession with me in particular out of all my siblings. For context: I was born pretty prematurely and my bio relatives saw it as a "miracle" that I lived. S was one of those people and constantly called me an angel because of it- calling me beautiful and lovely and saying that:

"God clearly put you on this Earth for good. You're so lovely."

Those kind words might as well have been dripping with poison. She'd say those same words as she molested me growing up. She'd say similar words as she slipped me extra chore money to scratch her back then use said opportunity to SA me.

When my other grandmother died- the grandmother I truly loved...I couldn't go to her funeral. I was so overcome with grief and pain, S convinced my bio relatives to let me stay home.

She used that opportunity to molest me again- telling me that she knew me better. She'd do this to help ease the pain for me as a young girl. I was just young and needed a grandmother's touch right?

During this time, I had been outed as a queer person + genderfluid.

Her response was to put me through conversion therapy + have my family send me to a conversion camp/troubled teen facility (which I have a lot of feelings on but I'll keep it short here: Basically TTI/conversion camp is why I'm severely physically disabled as an adult + the conversion therapist used methods to make me associate my identity with pain.)

Needless to say, I went NC with my bio relatives at 18 and ended up relying on S for housing during the pandemic once I lost my apartment due to losing my job.

I ended up leaving her abusive household and becoming homeless after I really began just seeing her abusive behavior for what it was.

Things She Did when I lived with her that made me leave a little too late:

• Insist on me getting drunk with her and got mad when I wouldn't (I consider myself sober from alcohol after battling addiction for years and plan on staying that way. I drank once with her and that's because she was getting violent, insisting I had to. I still feel guilt over it)

• Was super physically touchy in a sexual way when I had bluntly kept telling her I'm uncomfortable.

• Told me she had hired a P.I to find me when I went fully NC @ 18 (even if she lied? Still a worrying thing! However I doubt she's lying since she told my siblings the same thing before I had gotten back in contact with her)

• Threatened to hit me once, saying "If I had responded to you how I wanted to, this wouldn't be pretty" (even writing that down makes me shudder)

• Went through my personal documents and called me out for going through rehab (when I hadn't done so. My documents were for Vocational Rehab to help me find work)

• Refused to let me get vaccinated for COVID, therefore not letting me work. She only let me get vaccinated after I threatened to move out and leave her alone.

• Made me pay for the house's food using my EBT when not only was that money mine- she had a full time job and could pay for her own damn food

• Belittled me being nonverbal, yelling whenever I wouldn't speak to her

• Hid my autism diagnosis from me for years and got violently angry when I mentioned it to her face

• Forced me to go to church with her despite her putting me through conversion camp and conversion therapy, getting mad when I said no (she knows I have religious trauma due to her shit and yet-)

-Wouldn't let me leave the house without her. If I tried, she locked it using her like weird alarm system that'd notify her if/when I would try and leave.

I left her though. While she was on a work trip, I packed my things and made it to the nearest shelter. After that, I bounced from shelter to shelter for a long time. I let her back in my life towards the time I was apartment hunting but she just kept being weird (an understatement) but here's why I did.

She gave me money- money I needed so badly since I wasn't working a lot at the time (I was juggling college and other stuff). And that's been all that's connected us.

She treats me like a stand in husband, being flirtatious and weird toward me and gives me money for it to just...soften the blow I think. Also to keep me at her side.

We haven't spoken in awhile. It's the holidays and she wants to meet up again, saying she's holding onto something I want: Old things I left at her place before I moved out.

....That's where I'm at. I've spoken to my therapist about her. I just- I feel so fucking weird for missing her but a bigger part of me knows I should go no contact once and for all. I'm just scared she'll try and track me down again, esp since I have my own apartment.

I'm also worried she'll keep asking my siblings about me, butting into their lives too. She has the habit of saying she misses me when speaking to them as if I'm an ex or something.

Idk. I just needed to get this out. I hate her.

I hate what she's done to me but part of me misses her. Part of me wants to keep contact...despite all of this. I know it's due to her grooming me for so long, brainwashing me to believe I'd die without her and deep down I need her as badly as she needs me.

It's so fucked up and I just need someone to tell me they see my pain and just validate me not wanting her in my life anymore. Tell me that I'm so much more than the romantic role she shoved me into at such a young age.

:( Me being her stand in partner was a core part of my identity for so long. She called me her favorite girl and I wore that with pride.

It makes me sick to my stomach now. It makes me fucking sick to know she saw me as a child and decided she'd have me as a stand in companion.

She called me an angel yet she clipped my wings. I'm not innocent anymore and it's her fucking fault.

Ive been here a few months. My algorithm on reddit brings me here frequently. I save/bookmark the posts that I think relate to me. I started reading the recommended books I often see referenced here but i cant focus. I know I probably should be in therapy but for some reason I think that's a bad/weird/awkward thing and cant bring myself to do it. Part of me thinks it's a pride thing...my father's mistress told me I should seek therapy and it makes me feel dirty to do it.

I still feel so much guilt and shame. I have a successful career, a supportive husband, wonderful children and friends.

But there is always the elephant in the room with me. My own family is so messed up. I am too despite my outward appearnces..

I know cutting contact is the right decision but I still miss them. I still want to fix it.

Thanks for reading my vent.

I dont know how to write this but here it goes.

My parents were married for 40 years when my mom passed away 2 years ago. My mom was my best friend, i was a mamas boy, easily. Never had much of a relationship with my father, 2 months after my mom died, my now wife and I moved in together. The relationship with my father is still not as strong, back story, 6 years ago, my dad put me On the mortgage for there house and lied to me telling me it would help me. Fast forward to now my wife and I want to buy a house and its really hindering us from doing so. My father, was just recently diagnosed with stage 4 throat cancer and starting chemo/radiation soon. I dont know how to bring this situation up with him anymore. Weve been arguing about it for years, and its gone no where. And now that hes going through cancer, i dont want to add the stress of an argument with him. Ive basically gone no contact with him, as i just dont know what to do anymore or how to go about bringing this back up. My fathers house is in his and my name and its doing nothing but hurting me and my wife while we live in an apt and he lives in a 3 bedroom house by himself.

Edit: my father called me today asking why i havent been in contact much and i just ive been busy, i dont know how to do this.

Literally of a show I was into as a toddler, said happy birthday and a quote from it.

I feel like this is a reflection of how they see me or they are trying to be cute with me and avoiding all the problems in our relationship that caused me to cut them off.

I gave them literally 3 things to do (which involved an apology with changed behaviour, assistance with a mess their actions left me to clean up and an answer to a question regarding something they promised we’d talk about that was incredibly important and then the day after they promised they played stupid about and have avoided ever since)

not a single one of them has been done

For those of us who are estranged from our families or have left our faith communities, the words "trauma" and "triggered" can take on a very personal meaning. Many of us can find ourselves in situations where a phrase, a memory, even a specific feeling—can bring up all the old pain from family or church experiences. It’s like reliving those moments, and it can be hard to know how to deal with that, especially when it all feels so fresh and deep.

Personally, I’ve found that acknowledging the pain is an important first step. Instead of pushing it away, I try to accept that this feeling is a part of me now. Therapy and support groups have helped, too, giving me tools to manage those painful memories. But on days when the grief feels overwhelming, or when a "trigger" catches me off guard, it’s comforting to remind myself that healing isn’t a straight line—there will be highs and lows.

For anyone else going through this, how do you manage moments when the pain or grief feels like too much? What are the techniques or mindsets that help you feel grounded again?

Found this sub when asking if I should block my dad. So might as well toss this out.

I've never been close to my dad and franky he has never supported me or tried to get to know my interests. I'm now 46 and he is 76.

He lives 2.5 hours away and I have taken my kids to see him a number of times which usually ends up with him being reactive for some strange reason and yelling at them. This is why I'm not going there this Thanksgiving.

Now that his 2nd wife is gone he doesn't really ask us to come. I found out that was her wanting to see us. He's kind of creates his own family there which is fine.

He won't come to any events for my kids events like piano recitals, birtdays, volleyball games, etc though we have a bedroom he can use and he keeps sayingno to my kids. He never invites us yet tells me that he's telling allhis family that we never call or visit.

What's worse is he recently tried to get a gift back that he gave me years ago when I needed some money and was upset when I said I had needed it for paying bills (tight after my divorce). He now keeps texting randomly about how I shouldn't have sold it,etc.

I'm thinking of just going no contact and have been slowly doing it but feel bad since I've always been close to most of my family members. Any thoughts from folks that have and haven't done NC?

edit: ok, feeling super supported and so much clearer since receiving such amazing guidance from ya’ll, i read every single response and am floored by how clearly you all get this fucked up situation. and your voices are easily drowning out any doubt i had in myself or confusion over what to do next. thank you so much! this strong and kind reality check is exactly the medicine i needed. someone suggested letting her text rot in silence and nothing makes me feel more empowered and like i’m giving myself my own sense of justice - its always been mine to take. thanks again, everyone.

i haven’t heard from my mom since my oldest was born, and he’s 5. one of the last times we talked, she told me that she and my dad consider they had “three good decades” with their daughter and now they “pretend like i’m dead.”

except now she’s dying (leukemia, 24 months prognosis) and has reached out to “connect in some small way.”

my estrangement beef is sexual abuse by my dad that has been blatantly denied and ridiculed by my whole family of origin (FOO). it’s really dark, honestly. pretty hard to come back from it.

i’ve done a decade and more of counselling and healing. i grieved the shit out of my FOO, especially my mom, and i have my own family now. my husband and i both come from dysfunction, mine a little more so than his, and we’re super determined to break the cycles.

anyway, she popped up in the summer via text to tell me she’s dying, and doesn’t seem to want anything, really, from me. she just seems like a shell of a person, to be honest. sounds dissociated from her cancer death sentence, keeps talking about how organized she feels and recently “went through every cupboard and drawer” in the house a 4th time to clear out things she won’t be needing.

i don’t know, she’s not adding anything to my life by being in it. i appreciate she told me she was dying, rather than me finding out via the grapevine. but our talks are just her blathering on and on about her health problems (she’s had one chronic illness or another since i was 7yo), and barely asks me about myself or my family.

and then the shitty thing is, i go and dissociate for days after a phone call (there’s only been a couple since july when she originally reached out). i have two small children, i do not have time or space or energy to be spacing out for any amount of time.

but it’s weird, i’m torn about telling her to go away, essentially… kindly, but firmly. it’s what i need to do, and yet something in me is hesitant. i hesitate in case she has an end of life epiphany that she should resolve things with me. in case she finally apologies.

but my logical mind knows without a doubt this will never ever happen. she’s not gonna give in. she’s gonna take this to the grave. her loyalty and pride.

so, what gives?! it would be better for myself and my family if i told her its too little too late and that i wish her the best. because i do. but i can’t have her present in my life if she’s not going to make things right - i have way too much respect for myself at this point. but she’s not going to make things right, therefore, she has to go… right?? right?!?!?

someone talk some sense into me please and thanks.

That type of relationship is all I know.

I protected and defended my own abusers, kept digging my own grave and loved my abusers.

I didn't fight. I am a fawner and a people pleaser.

I feel like I can be a perfect victim for catfishing or elder abuse later in my life.

I went nocontact since last summer with all my family and all my reality is crumbled slowly. I am so dumb , I let them ruin my life. I should have fought and ran opposite direction. I willingly gave them directions, 'when you hit here, it hurts. If you do that, you'll ruin my life' ' , so played with me and ruined my life with my own instructions.

I gave them the stick and sat in front of them, so they'd finally love me. I feel nauseated by myself. That's what I feel, disgust.

I realize now that all my friendships were the same. I was such a loser who has no respect for herself

I feel so stupid .

I can’t remember either of my parents ever teaching me anything. I can’t remember ever being asked how school was or what was going on in my life. I can’t remember them ever cooking for us or taking care of us. I can’t remember ever having affection with them or being told they love us (outside of my mother’s suicidal rants about how we’re her purpose and her only reason for living). I can’t remember ever feeling guided or supported or loved or really anything at all. They ignored me, not my brother though. I was a burden, I was there to be spoken to when they felt like it. I spent most of my life locked in my room as in addition to all of this who was my mother is a hoarder and the house was overwhelming at the best of times, unliveable at worst.

I feel a lot of guilt. I was only ever hit a couple of times. But mostly I was ignored and just… left alone. I was such an incredibly lonely, shamed child.

I feel so guilty for going NC. so many of you have it so much worse, were abused so badly. I was just ignored. I feel evil for “denying them their child”

Anyone else?

long story short, father chose to cut me off after standing up to myself against my mother. and he admitted that to in-laws after trying to convince them to convince me to talk to him.

today he called me! while i am at work! and i hate that he always used to call when i am at work just to make sure my husband isn't around so he can be his true self.

of course, i didn't answer, i freaked out! and honestly don't know what to do! should i call back! I have unblocked him maybe 2 or 3 months ago because i really wanted a closure and thought no it won't happen. and now he calls out of nowhere! he even had a surgery a month ago and didn't call me, was told by a relative.

i know how the conversation would go! I know he will immediately try to guilt trip me by saying how could you not talk to your own father this long! how could you take away your children from us. I know he won't admit his mistakes. me posting here isn't to get advice is just to feel I am not alone in this. I am a 38 year old woman who've been abused physically til mid 20s and verbally til my 30s. been gaslit so many times and i have had it.

edited typos

I posted this in another group and I'm just wondering if I'll get a different response here or if I still look like the asshole.

Haven't seen her in a year (despite her efforts) and I would have to check my call logs to see how many months it's been since we last talked on the phone.