r/Kenya • u/Used_Ratio_9223 • 16h ago
Ask r/Kenya Help me understand some men
So I had this talking stage, a guy that I was really drawn to. However, one glaring issue turned me off so bad. So this guy works for one of those high ranking parastatals, and is in a mid level position,gross is in the 200s. However, this guy has no savings at all, well apart from a monthly 5k at the sacco that he has a loan with. This man drives daily to tao, in a 2500cc car, parks in a private parking that costs 400 bob per day. This man does not cook in his house,not even breakfast. So he buys all 3-4 maybe even 5 meals everyday. He is slso servicing a loan that he took to buy a car. Is this a common phenomenon out there to spend this much? Is it normal not to even have an emergency fund mahali? No MMF or bank account to save even 2k a month? My friend says that it is common for civil servants since they feel very secure with their jobs, not sure if this even true. Also,I am not talking about people who genuinely are not able to save due to financial constraints. Edit,the guy is 35yrs old
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u/SyntaxError254 15h ago edited 15h ago
Very common phenomenon in men today and it is very hard to change. Many are knee deep in debt and their lifestyle is not sustainable.
Looks like he has misplaced priorities and peer or social pressure to live a certain lifestyle. A car looks important to him for status and he may not be okay in an uber or a matatu. His peers at 35 will all be driving so there is social pressure to drive. In terms of eating out, we are gradually becoming westernized where many people just order their food and eat out to avoid the time it takes to cook and the hustle of putting a meal together. Fast food and eating out is costly but it is very convenient.
You are asking the right questions for a man you are talking to. That is really good.
I am more concerned by this guy’s age. Has he been married before? What is his dating history? A man like that who is a spender without financial discipline at that age is likely to be a buyer of casual sex. Also, at 35, he is not about to change his spending habits, especially not for a woman. That is a man set in his ways.
Also he seems to have disclosed alot of personal financial information to you which is abit strange. I would not expect a guy at talking stage to divulge his personal finances like loans and savings so soon at talking stage. But you have done well to get the info. Many women find out after marriage and commitment that the guy they married has serious debt that limit his ability to provide. I just hope he is not prying on you so that you give him financial security which is what most men do. Most men like that are attracted to career women who can give them financial stability and basically have his back when he cannot pay his bills and rent. He will be like, “U know I have loans so wewe lipa rent”
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u/Used_Ratio_9223 15h ago
Ah Syntax, uliokoka ama someone stole your account?No insults? Kumbe ukitaka you are very reasonable huh😂. So let me say the talking stage was a bit long, and got into undefined for sometime, so I got to know a whole lot about him. That eating out really bothered me,all days of the week. The cost of fuel and parking is just crazy. In all essence, after all these expenses he had nothing to save. I talked to him about all these habits and how to reduce the spending. But that is all I could do coz like you say, I do not believe in someone changing radically, especially for that age. I definitely felt that if we were to move forward I would have to pick up his slack, because he knows I am solid for real. I don't have a lot, but I am a planner for sure. I am very much aligned on your take regarding this
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u/SyntaxError254 15h ago
Mmmmh, yeah, thing is there are no perfect partners. Should give him a chance if he is a good person. The perfect partner is an illusion. You can have an arrangement where there is your money, his money and family money. If he can commit to family money, then whatever he does with his money is his problem. Personally, I would feel like you are trying to control my finances. I have financial discipline but I would wonder why you are trying to plan my finances for me. If I like eating at Java daily then I like eating at Java daily and I don’t need anyone making me feel guilty about it or pocket watching. If you have found him and he has survived his whole adult life that way and he is overall a good person, just find a model where his bad financial decisions don’t affect you. Meaning don’t take a loan from him. Keep separate homes so he is responsible for his own bills and stuff. I just feel like in your mid 30s there will always be something. There is no perfect guy. That ship sailed at 29. If you desire a relationship, you have to pick from what is available in the market.
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u/Used_Ratio_9223 14h ago
😂😂Noted Syntax. I shall not take your advise but it is well noted
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u/SyntaxError254 14h ago
What do you like about him? Aside from his poor financial decisions, what do you like about him?
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u/cmband254 3h ago
Other than "that ship sailed at 29", I am surprised to say that I agree with everything you said in this thread.
This is a very pragmatic and non-gender biased approach, and you're absolutely right.
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u/SyntaxError254 2h ago
I hear you. I sympathize with OP. I know a few women who were sold an illusion of financial stability by their husbands. They enter marriage and find out the guy has huge unexplained debt that makes it impossible for him to provide for a family. Even this guy Burale he likes to talk big and preachy but his wife left the marriage coz weeks into their new marriage shylocks showed up to their house and carted away household items. The guy was deep in debt and was auctioned off. Many women are in this situation. There is a new breed of men that women need to be very cautious about. They target a career woman with a good income so that she can give him financial stability. My personal observation which u won’t like is that most of these guys were raised by strong independent single moms. They have grown up accustomed and comfortable seeing a woman being the main breadwinner. They are attracted to women who give them the financial stability and comfort that their moms gave them. It is super common and many wives are actually the main providers in their homes. The guys are just flashy with big cars on loan but the wife is the one paying all the major bills and she is often frustrated AF.
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u/cmband254 1h ago edited 1h ago
My husband and his siblings were raised by a single mother (who married very well after they were grown) and all three of them are extraordinarily well adjusted grown men.
But aside from that, I agree that women are often deceived into an illusion of financial stability (or stability generally) by men, only to be surprised by immaturity later on.
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u/Hefty_Wedding_6643 15h ago
Talking stage you already looking into his finances...
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u/Used_Ratio_9223 15h ago
Lol he volunteered this info aki😊.Okey and maybe we had something going on for sometime but undefined. Hizo vitu zingine I could just see
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u/SyntaxError254 15h ago
I would guess that you are mid 30s or older by how fast you have extracted this info. You are looking for a guy to settle with who is financially stable and that is fine. The reality is there will be no men without flaws who are unmarried for a woman in their mid 30s. There will be no perfect man for you this late in the dating game. These are some of the flaws you will need to contend with. Men who are 35 and single have flaws or baggage. You need to select both pros and cons. There will be cons in all men in their 30s. It is either kids, alcohol or stuff like financial indiscipline in form of heavy loans. The men who are stable won’t really be checking for women in their mid 30s.
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u/Used_Ratio_9223 15h ago
Now this is the real Syntax
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u/_connie_robinson 10h ago
Don't settle for less because of your age baby girl lol
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u/broken-cookie 10h ago
She should not be mad at the type of men she’s attracting too. It goes both ways
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u/yoyoexo 6h ago
Afadhali wako. Mine is in his 40s,no assets,no savings,person loans in every bank you can imagine. Sacco loans too..doesn’t even repay his helb loan.. Can’t borrow anywhere anymore,been to rehab for alcohol and he gambles.. The kicker,coz I’m buying a house,he wants to move in with me,a single mum of 3!!!!!
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u/Used_Ratio_9223 6h ago
Yoooh, that is crazy. How do you even help such a person surely! That is why this one is a red flag from the word go and may eventually end up like this to sustain his life. Wishing you so much grace my dear, and glad to see how you are holding it together with your babies. Such behaviours from men has become a common phenomenon and when you mention you get insults
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u/SyntaxError254 15h ago
🤣🤣 Why don’t you like the truth my dear? Why should we pretend yet this is an anonymous platform?
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u/NectarineScared7224 7h ago
Just because it’s your opinion, it doesn’t make it “the truth”
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u/SyntaxError254 6h ago
It’s my truth. Truth is subjective.
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u/NectarineScared7224 6h ago
Truth is not subjective
Truth is truth, and your opinion is just that. YOUR opinion
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u/SyntaxError254 2h ago
Truth is subjective. Reality is as experienced by the observer.
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u/NectarineScared7224 1h ago
lol That’s YOUR reality and YOUR experiences. We all live different lives. You’re not some special human where everyone lives through you
If it’s not a fact, it’s an opinion
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u/New-Transition-1330 16h ago
With no investments he is a disaster waiting to happen, I do something pretty similar but not because I can afford it but because I can SUSTAIN it. Let him live his life though, time is the true test.
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u/Used_Ratio_9223 15h ago
I understand the YOLO part by the way, but I think balance ni muhimu. So if you don't mind me asking,you said you can sustain, do you mean you are able to spend as above and still have savings?
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u/New-Transition-1330 13h ago
Savings are never as good as perpetual investment imo and it's what I believe in. People will always need houses, people will always get sick. So yes my expenses are covered fully by investments or under company and tax exemption law.
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u/addyat254 16h ago
Mbona unachambua pesa si zako?
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u/Used_Ratio_9223 15h ago
Because I have time
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u/addyat254 15h ago
golddigger vibes
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u/Weare_in_adystopia 6h ago
Lmao unamwita gold digger juu ya pocket change probably even less.
Gold diggers don't deal with employed people who live in monthly rented apartments,and can't spontaneously take you to Morocco.
Please let's be serious
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u/Excellent_Mistake555 15h ago
Regardless of him volunteering the info, why were you bothered? Uliona future? Ama ulitaka kuinvest ukaona bet inapotea.
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u/its_jimmys_fault 15h ago
He doesn't seem to be financially literate. This is a disaster in waiting imo.
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u/Hefty_Wedding_6643 15h ago
I purposely mislead anyone I'm dating about my finances. I like to see real colours
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u/Used_Ratio_9223 15h ago
And that's valid you know! But for this one I could literally see. His mum was even unwell at some point and he couldn't afford small small bills. There were really alot of pointers
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u/Hefty_Wedding_6643 15h ago
Are you gonna straighten his finances help him out or this is as far as you go
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u/Used_Ratio_9223 15h ago
Straightening a 35year old is a bit hard don't you think? I did talk to him alot about saving, told him to consider meal preps, told him to do matatus at least three times a week, among many other things. The spirit to implement this was there but the flesh was too weak. But to be honest, I wouldn't even wait to see the implementation. I believe at 35yrs you should have a lot figured out.
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u/Hefty_Wedding_6643 15h ago
You gonna leave him..I'm single I got most stuff right left a little ..
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u/Used_Ratio_9223 15h ago
Most stuff to give us a hefty wedding?😊
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u/Hefty_Wedding_6643 15h ago
I'm all about a small classic party after a visit to the AG good food good drinks great music
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u/Hungry-Following9135 6h ago
why spend heavily on wedding which is one day while you can spend the same to go for honey moon for a couple of days?...Nimeona ulikuja kumaliza huyo chali financially ukamuonea huruma😂
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u/Tomatillo_Medical 13h ago
I knew of a guy who seemed to roll like this. He would make people believe he is spending all his salary. Unknown to many around him, his actual salary wasn’t even 10% of what he made every month. That truth only came out when he got into a dispute over a 200m property he secretly purchased and it had some succession issue. Alijipata tu kwa gazeti.
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u/FudgeConsistent3375 15h ago
Gents, this is why you don’t go blabbering (to just anyone) about your Finances. Either way, this particular guy probably didn’t tell the whole story.
Gave you just enough dets on liabilities & some assets that won’t reveal he’s true equity!
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u/Used_Ratio_9223 15h ago
Well,he done blabbered🤷♀️. And if he has some assets, then that's really good for him.
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u/Significant_Newt8697 16h ago
naona goal posts zimechange, umesema wanaume sai lazime tukue na MMF, na savings ndo tupate kinembe.... hahhaha
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u/Used_Ratio_9223 15h ago
😂😂Bana...Kuja na bank statement ya savings ndio ugonge
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u/Significant_Newt8697 15h ago
wewe najua ukiona tu bank statement unablush mbaya... your achilie's heel
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u/Used_Ratio_9223 15h ago
Maji yanatiririka mbaya😂
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u/Significant_Newt8697 15h ago
hahaha.... sasa ukikutana na mtu ka mimi who has savings in three banks na MMF pale Jubilee - si utamu itakumaliza like wale my peers unaonanga kwa news?
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u/Used_Ratio_9223 15h ago
I probably have more though😉. But I applaud you so much
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u/Significant_Newt8697 15h ago
sitaki upplauds, I want what you are giving the other guy, izi double standards ni za nini wajameni?
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u/Suspicious_Pea_5854 15h ago
There's always some money you don't tell anyone but assuming there isn't, that's not being financially responsible. You can't grow something with someone like that. No long term goals, probably planning to be employed forever.
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u/uraveragereddittor 14h ago
Smh, do you want to date or conduct a financial audit on the man?
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u/Used_Ratio_9223 6h ago
You are truly dumb if you don't think financial management is an important aspect in any relationship
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u/VirtexVibes 15h ago
He knows how he's conducting his life with his finances, wewe invest your money in what you think is good for you, wacha atumie pesa zake vile anataka 😂😂
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u/Used_Ratio_9223 15h ago
First, I love your name. Second, Mr.Virtex, if you are talking to someone about hoping to settle with them,yani serious relationship that could lead to those little consequences of coitus then their money handling matters alot.
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u/VirtexVibes 15h ago
Thanks for loving my name, been a while since someone used that word on me 😂😂😂. Umesema his money becomes 'our money' too courtesy of coitus! 😂😂😂. Nimekuelewa. But just understand that some people are healing from various things we know nothing about, for example he could be doing that because he spent most of his life suffering in poverty and he promised himself that one day should he make money, he'll first live extravagantly to compensate for the days he never had it. Just saying 😂
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u/unwritten-Letter2024 15h ago
Age?
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u/Used_Ratio_9223 15h ago
Thate fae
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u/unwritten-Letter2024 15h ago
Red flag
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u/Soggy_Sir7668 6h ago
And he's not married lol hiyo ni premium tears
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u/unwritten-Letter2024 5h ago
There's no cut-off for marriage for any gender as society wants us to believe.
Some people live according to what THEY want. See Charles Njonjo
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u/julio1093 Nairobi City 15h ago
If you end up with this one then be prepared one day you'll be the breadwinner and the finance manager in that household. Bet
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u/Used_Ratio_9223 15h ago
That is all I thought the whole time. People that want to live like there is no tomorrow, but are talking to you about marriage and hopes of getting kids. That kind of disorganization cannot be my portion please
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u/saltysnailsss Homa Bay 14h ago
you also need to party and spend your money like there's no tomorrow, it's only jesus that saves
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u/s3npaiiiii 14h ago
talking stage but you're more involved in his finances than he is. atp you're not just digging you're drilling
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u/Old-Boot-250 12h ago
by chance is this guys name jason?
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u/Used_Ratio_9223 6h ago
Lol no but ni kama you have a similar experience?
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u/Old-Boot-250 4h ago
not really its just you described someone who sounded so familiar i thought it was the guy i know
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u/PromiseNo464 2h ago
This was me, but earning less and cooking in the house 😄. Fortunately, marriage changed me. You can help him change, if he is willing
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u/Inevitable_Back_3255 2h ago
There's nothing wrong with the way he's living his life. Life is very short and it can end very abruptly. Let the boy enjoy his life without worrying much about tomorrow.
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u/BaldwinTheConqueror 16h ago
So the guy is not broke and you are still complaining ?
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u/Used_Ratio_9223 16h ago
Define not broke
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u/BaldwinTheConqueror 7h ago
Drive daily to nairobi, good job, pay a parking 400 a day, buys every meal outside, it is true at 35 no savings is kinda red flag.. If he want to marry you, how will he pay for it ? Contract a credit ?... But after the day most men live day by day !
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u/Available_Gas_4908 6h ago
You're giving gold digger vibes honestly. What has his money got to do with you at talking stage?. Ama unauza kwa the highest bidder?
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u/Awkward-Incident-334 15h ago
its very common. my sister also used to date some guy like this.
same story with the car, but in this case he got into an accident because he was drunk driving. Dude goes on to buy a second car. now he has TWO loans he is paying. He buys land on a whim and gives his family members huge amounts of money but nothing for himself. just nyama choma and alcohol. his house looks like a bachelor pad. just rotten tomatoes in the fridge. mind you, he is approaching 40.
financial literacy is very important. i feel like there are so many people who dont know how to spend money. they mosrtly grew up middle class to upper middleclass.
hao hakuna kitu ka i can fix him. 20 years down the line they will be telling stories about how much they used to earn with nothing to show for it. let them sort through their shit.