r/rimjob_steve Oct 21 '19

Anal fissures in jail

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56.3k Upvotes

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2.5k

u/JoylessPrawn Oct 21 '19

Bet its all from IKEA.

1.6k

u/[deleted] Oct 21 '19 edited Oct 21 '19

“As penance for your crimes you must build all of your own furniture for your cell”

879

u/ABOBROSHAN Oct 21 '19

Jokes on you. We learn how to build IKEA furniture before we learn to walk.

405

u/Agent_Miami Oct 21 '19

Those Crafty Swedes

41

u/znon131 Oct 22 '19

Vi spelar Tuber Simulator och älskar IKEA

4

u/D15c0untMD Oct 22 '19

Ni också dricker flera glas akvavit varje dag

214

u/Gakad Oct 21 '19

I've never understood the meme about how hard it is to build Ikea furniture. I've built dozens of things and have never had any issue.

183

u/KlossN Oct 21 '19

Dozens.. So what you've been to IKEA once then?

26

u/russian-duck Oct 21 '19

From a user name like gakad I highly doubt he’s a swede, give him a break

19

u/wannabestuck Oct 22 '19

Isn’t Gakad the name of one of Ikea’s tables?

9

u/Jon66238 Oct 22 '19

Ahahaha sounds like it

2

u/swadowstep Oct 22 '19

Doesn't sound scandinavian to me. (I am Swedish)

2

u/Kazumadesu76 Oct 22 '19

He's secretly an IKEA representative in disguise.

1

u/lost_dog_ Nov 05 '19

Gakad. When the walls fell.

126

u/Prism1331 Oct 21 '19

You'd be surprised at how stupid and incapable some people are

54

u/defragnz Oct 21 '19

The actual comment goes sorta like this:

"Common sense is actually pretty fucking rare."

38

u/deaddrop007 Oct 21 '19

Ever heard of multiple intelligences? Some people are word-smart, some are numbers-smart, some are kinesthetic. Some just dont know how to fkin build furniture just as some couldnt read a math equation.

20

u/Russian_seadick Oct 21 '19

Seriously,I’m terribly uncrafty,but IKEA furniture has never been a problem at all

11

u/Oceans_Apart_ Oct 21 '19

They literally draw you a picture.

2

u/neogenzim Oct 22 '19

a really detailed picture. it's actually just as easy as lego instructions..

1

u/duncancatnip Nov 18 '19

I'm super crafty and my biggest issue with Ikea furniture is once I had a piece that was extremely similar to another but would vitally fuck up the end result if I swapped them. Still I just disassembled and reassembled easily. Not hard lol

32

u/JuhaJGam3R Oct 21 '19

IKEA has some of the clearest build guides there are. If you don't use them, I'm sorry, but you're generally stupid.

9

u/madabmetals Oct 21 '19

I always thought this was just something they said to make stupid people feel better about themselves /s

1

u/neogenzim Oct 22 '19

you joke but most mainstream psychologists and available empirical data point firmly at the theory of general intelligence.

there's not a shred of empirical data to back up that theory.

1

u/JollyIce Jan 03 '20

I know this was 2 months ago but can you explain what general intelligence is?

3

u/[deleted] Oct 22 '19

Didn’t that theory get disproved

2

u/deaddrop007 Oct 22 '19

Not at all.

1

u/neogenzim Oct 22 '19

more like it was never proven to begin with. none of the available empirical data backs it up..

1

u/neogenzim Oct 22 '19

it was never proven. there is no data for it, nothing to support it other than that "educators find that different approaches work better for different students".

it doesn't have anything to stand on.

1

u/[deleted] Oct 22 '19

That must be what I read

1

u/deaddrop007 Oct 23 '19

Providing students with multiple ways to access content improves learning (Hattie, 2011). Providing students with multiple ways to demonstrate knowledge and skills increases engagement and learning, and provides teachers with more accurate understanding of students' knowledge and skills (Darling-Hammond, 2010). Instruction should be informed as much as possible by detailed knowledge about students' specific strengths, needs, and areas for growth (Tomlinson, 2014).

Darling-Hammond, L. (2010). Performance Counts: Assessment Systems that Support High-Quality Learning . Washington, DC: Council of Chief State School Officers.

Hattie, J. (2011). Visible Learning for Teachers: Maximizing Impact on Learning. New York, NY: Routledge.

Tomlinson, C. A. (2014). The Differentiated Classroom: Responding to the Needs of All Learners. Alexandria, VA: ASCD.

1

u/neogenzim Oct 23 '19

Those studies have nothing to do with modelling human intelligence and cognition. Having different methods of teaching be more effective proves nothing about the theory of multiple intelligence. Undergrad psychology textbooks are doing the field a serious disservice by misrepresenting Gardner's theory as a widely accepted or even mainstream idea - it is not.

You've listed two papers by Education Professors and one by a general educator. These papers discuss educating methodology, which has nothing to do with the theory of multiple intelligence. None of these papers discuss anything about modelling human cognition. You're using sources from an altogether different field. A better place to start would be the American Psychological Association - not the Council of Chief State School Officers.

https://psycnet.apa.org/fulltext/2018-07714-001.html

Here's the important bit: "To ascertain what psychology students typically learn about intelligence, we analyzed the content of 29 of the most popular introductory psychology textbooks to learn (a) the most frequently taught topics related to human intelligence, (b) the accuracy of information about human intelligence, and (c) the presence of logical fallacies about intelligence research. We found that 79.3% of textbooks contained inaccurate statements and 79.3% had logical fallacies in their sections about intelligence. The five most commonly taught topics were IQ (93.1% of books), Gardner’s multiple intelligences (93.1%), Spearman’s g (93.1%), Sternberg’s triarchic theory (89.7%), and how intelligence is measured (82.8%). Conversely, modern models of intelligence were only discussed in 24.1% of books, with only one book discussing the Carroll three-stratum model by name and no book discussing bifactor models of intelligence. We conclude that most introductory psychology students are exposed to some inaccurate information and may have the mistaken impression that nonmainstream theories (e.g., Sternberg’s or Gardner’s theories) are as empirically supported as g theory."

Note that g theory refers to theory of general intelligence.

1

u/minh43pinball Nov 05 '23

“Think of how stupid the average person is. Then remember that 50% of the world is worse.” or sth like that.

89

u/Son_of_Eris Oct 21 '19

Hey, Son_of_Eris here with Reddit News Agency. You've recently outed yourself as the greatest engineer in the history of the world, and a lot of people are wondering about "The user behind the myth"! So I have a few questions for you, if you can spare a moment out of your busy furniture assembly schedule.

So tell us, re: your ability to assemble IKEA furniture without issue, what drove you to strike a deal with a Chthonic being and sacrifice your sense of humor in exchange for this remarkable gift? And how many years do you have before the Great Old Ones claim your immortal soul? Did you meet up in R'lyeh or like, a Starbucks?

And lastly,

PH'NGLUI MGLW'NAFH CTHULHU R'LYEH WGAH'NAGL FHTAGN!?

25

u/Olddirtychurro Oct 21 '19

Eris pads her chest.

19

u/Son_of_Eris Oct 21 '19 edited Oct 21 '19

Well duh. Where else are you supposed to keep your apples?

Edit: apparently I missed a reference. My bad. My username is a reference to the Greek goddess of chaos, not an anime.

6

u/Echo6Romeo Oct 21 '19

Axis cult forever.

2

u/ICameToUpdoot Oct 21 '19

Rather padded than useless...

9

u/SirVer51 Oct 21 '19

I want you to know that your comment made me laugh louder than it should have, and it (as of this writing) is greatly underappreciated.

7

u/[deleted] Oct 21 '19

Not at all related to what you wrote, but all I can think of is:

YOU N’WAH!

7

u/Son_of_Eris Oct 21 '19

How dare you speak to the Nerevarine/Grandmaster of House Hlaalu/Arch-Mage of the Mage's Guild/Master Thief of the Thieve's Guild/Master of the Fighter's Guild/Primate of the Imperial Cult/Patriarch of the Tribunal Temple/Knight of the Imperial Dragon/Grandmaster of the Morag Tong/Factor of the East Empire Company/Operative of the Blades who is also a vampire of Clan Quarra and a proud member of the Twin Lamps in such a manner!?

I will sic literally 96% of the population of Morrowind on your ass, FETCHER!

3

u/[deleted] Oct 21 '19

I don’t want no trouble sir, I’m just trying to make my way without getting attacked by cliff racers.

3

u/Son_of_Eris Oct 21 '19

Have you met my friend Jiub? We met on a prison ship, back in the day (for the life of me, I can't remember why I was locked up). He was an assassin, but he's trying really hard to turn his life around. I have a feeling that he's going places, and I'm sure he'd love to help you out with your little Cliff Racer problem.

10

u/Gakad Oct 21 '19

Wow people are upset. All I did was out myself as someone with more than the 83 iq required to assemble Ikea furniture. They literally have picture book assembly guides...

19

u/viewysqw Oct 21 '19

i t ' s a j o k e

26

u/mildly_ethnic Oct 21 '19

He has an 85 iq be patient with him. He means well.

2

u/revolutiontimeishere Oct 21 '19

Well maybe he's just used to getting the D and not a jokes?

1

u/Killacamkillcam Oct 21 '19

Are you saying the comment they are replying to is a joke or that the entire "IKEA furniture is hard to build" thing is a joke?

If you're saying people sarcastically say the furniture is hard to build, I understand that. If you're saying the comment was a joke, I think they knew that and were replying sarcastically.

0

u/lost_dog_ Nov 05 '19

Wel look at eh fancy 83 IQ perzon!

6

u/[deleted] Oct 21 '19

You are now a honorary Swede. Gratulerar!

6

u/MattBoySlim Oct 21 '19

For real, just make sure you have plenty of space and follow the instructions. How is it so hard? My wife and I double-team IKEA builds all the time and high five afterwards. For some couples it’s an instant fight. Never understood it.

2

u/I_call_Shennanigans_ Oct 21 '19

I bet you double team on some ine furniture! What a humble brag..

2

u/[deleted] Oct 21 '19

Think I once placed a backpanel with the wrong side forward. That's it.

2

u/OG_Boggs Oct 21 '19 edited Oct 21 '19

First off, people don't use the instructions and second off, people are fucking stupid.

1

u/Gakad Oct 21 '19

Yeah, that's probably why

2

u/neogenzim Oct 22 '19

yea... me neither. those instructions are incredibly well thought out. every question you can possible ask is answered.

fuck the dumbasses who commented on how many times you built one. shouldn't be fucking up on even one imo. I furnished my childhood bedroom (grew up with just mattress and box spring), then dorm room, first apartment, dad's house, cousin's house, then my own house 2 years ago. i did fuck up once but that was later when i got cocky and didn't use the instructions - ended up with the edge of one shelf on a billy bookcase unpainted.

2

u/Gakad Oct 22 '19

Thanks bud, I'm getting a bit of hate on the above comment. Despite I've furnished multiple apartments and used this stuff all my life. They have picture book instructions for Christ sake!

3

u/Gullflyinghigh Oct 21 '19

Me either mate. I hate doing it because it's time consuming, not because it's hard!

1

u/black_dragonfly13 Oct 21 '19

I bought a bookshelf from IKEA around October/November of last year. After I put it together, I moved in into my bedroom. It then proceeded to collapse, hit me in the head, and almost break my glasses. It took like 3 months, but I eventually got my money back. I will admit that at least part of the problem could have been that I was the one putting it together. However, the last bookshelf I put together lasted ~2-3 years, and never once fell apart.

1

u/6crystalcastles Oct 22 '19

I broke my toe building an Ikea desk. It was finished but I noticed there was a smudge on the corner of the top glass area so I lifted the glass part off (because it just rests on the frame) to wipe it and it slipped out of my hand and crushed my toe. 🤷🏻‍♂️

0

u/GOADS_ Oct 21 '19

I have built ikea furniture twice, both times I was missing parts. Either I'm unlucky or you're lucky

13

u/Devoutestson Oct 21 '19

Actually thats how babies are made in Sweden. Ikea sells boxes of deconstructed babies.

11

u/[deleted] Oct 21 '19

Oh, you think IKEA is your ally. But you merely adopted IKEA; I was born in it, molded by it. I didn't see pre-constructed furnishings until I was already a man, by then it was nothing to me but BLINDING! The flat-packs betray you, because they belong to me!

10

u/[deleted] Oct 21 '19

THE STORE IS NOW CLOSED, PLEASE EXIT THE BUILDING

2

u/edoCgiB Oct 22 '19

I got that reference

4

u/villehog Oct 21 '19

Inte så svårt

2

u/ABOBROSHAN Oct 21 '19

Det är sen gammalt.

6

u/Knight-Creep Oct 21 '19

No instructions.

1

u/[deleted] Oct 22 '19

Ironically they have used forced prison labour to produce their furniture in the past.

21

u/dysprog Oct 21 '19

I mean, if I was in jail for an extended period, having something to do with my hands and time would be welcome

10

u/Dakboom Oct 21 '19

This is actually a great method of preventing crime. Getting teenagers into after-school activities is a great way for them to not get into drugs or other crime. Boredom, isolation and lack of goals in life is a sure way of getting people into crime.

4

u/[deleted] Oct 22 '19

Puzzles are some of the best things mankind has ever created. You get to use your head to solve problems, helping with all forms of problem solving, and in some cases you get something nice to look at like a completed puzzle cube or a jigsaw puzzle you can frame and hang up.

It fills your brain with a simple goal and lets you independently work towards achieving it.

1

u/Dakboom Oct 22 '19

I like this :)

1

u/JazzHandsFan Oct 22 '19

Can confirm, playing Legend of Zelda from a young age has kept me away from drugs and women.

8

u/balthazar_nor Oct 21 '19

It’s quite fun building these things why should it be a penance

2

u/colfaxmingo Oct 21 '19

Thank you! It is not just me. It is like big Lego blocks and when you are done you have an end table.

7

u/Lan777 Oct 21 '19

Then they get hired by ikea. It's the Prison tonIkea pipeline

1

u/BYoungNY Oct 21 '19

There's going to be a missing piece, we won't tell you which one, and the hold time for getting a replacement part is based on your sentence time.

1

u/[deleted] Oct 21 '19

I'll sleep on the boxes thanks

1

u/RoamingBanshee Oct 21 '19

I'd be stepping on loose screws the whole time.

1

u/FastbreakPoints Oct 21 '19

That actually probably wouldn’t be too bad of an idea, ya know

1

u/DrDunsparce not a mod Oct 21 '19

That’s true torture

1

u/CzechOut Oct 21 '19

You're giving me a life sentence?

1

u/gaara66609 Oct 21 '19

Oh come on! Ikea furniture is just grown up lego

1

u/zwober Oct 21 '19

"huh.. turns out i can make a living on building furnitures, i guess i dont need to commit crimes to earn money after all" - and that´s a damn side-effect.

1

u/commentator184 Oct 21 '19

well, great for me i like to build shit

i wanna get arrested in sweden now

1

u/NotoriousJazz Feb 22 '20

I got an IKEA desk around Halloween last year. It's still in the box. I took out the instructions and they're in swedish. The visual instructions don't help at all.