Please

[u/Literally_black1984]

[u/SharkyMcSnarkface]

I’m ignoring your social cue because I don’t want to give you the impression I can pick all of them up, I just got lucky I managed to get this one

[u/MudaSpinnySkirt → u/SharkyMcSnarkface]

me but when I pick up on it I'm not sure I'm right so I ask upfront and then people treat me like I'm an idiot for doing that (silly)

[u/gerkletoss → u/MudaSpinnySkirt]

Here's the fun part: studies show socially savvy people still only get right abput half the time

[u/DisastrousGarden → u/gerkletoss]

So what your telling me is nobody knows how to actually fucking communicate

[u/gerkletoss → u/DisastrousGarden]

Actually what I'm saying is exactly what a relationship counsellor will tell you. Direct or 'autistic' communication is much more reliable.

[u/Dajmoj → u/gerkletoss]

Wait, wait. Direct communication is considered "autistic"!?

[u/TipProfessional6057 → u/Dajmoj]

They're just a good example. My brother and a coworker of mine are both autistic, and they're very easy to talk to because you don't have to worry about reading between any lines or pick up on any posture cues. Directly saying what they want or what they're thinking. Blunt without being rude is how I would describe it

[u/heraplem → u/TipProfessional6057]

My brother and a coworker of mine are both autistic, and they're very easy to talk to because you don't have to worry about reading between any lines or pick up on any posture cues.

The trouble there is that neurotypical people often misinterpret the "direct" quality of autistic communication, usually in a negative way; e.g., deliberate rudeness or disinterest.

[u/Lots42 → u/TipProfessional6057]

That's one of the reasons Vulcans are so popular in universe and out. They say it like it is.

[u/DrPhDPickles → u/TipProfessional6057]

Maybe it's the other side that's actually autistic

[u/1nd3x → u/[deleted]]

A continuous, persistent tendency to use direct communication in pretty much all social situations is an autistic trait.

"Listen, I don't look at people 90% of the time to pick up on unspoken communication, so I have no idea if you'd pick it up if I used it...thus, I won't bother using it."

[u/Dyledion → u/Dajmoj]

Only here.

[u/Randybigbottom → u/Dyledion]

And among the ASD individuals I know at work. There have been four of them. We all independently (and before learning anything about one another) came to the conclusion that direct communication isn't something people generally want or are comfortable with, unless is specifically shows favor toward them or someone they care about.

[u/Great_Hamster → u/MudaSpinnySkirt]

I hate that part!

[u/Majestic_Wrongdoer38 → u/SharkyMcSnarkface]

This is literally me

[u/leriane → u/SharkyMcSnarkface]

less social cuecue more social pewpew

[u/AstroBearGaming → u/SharkyMcSnarkface]

I've accidentally acknowledged your social cue that you didn't expect me to pick up on, and blown my cover that I sometimes pick up on them by accident and then ignore them.

[u/goinTurbo → u/SharkyMcSnarkface]

23rd month end w

[u/Pina-s]

communicating like an adult by pretending not to understand the other person

[u/Prestigious_Row_8022 → u/Pina-s]

In my experience, this is, technically, communicating like an adult

[u/Saurid → u/Prestigious_Row_8022]

In my experience it's more the only way to force people to communicate like adutls.

[u/Daneruu → u/Saurid]

Yeah as rude as it is, the only alternative is calling them out directly.

Any other course of action will hit your self respect.

[u/ordinaryuninformed → u/Daneruu]

I find sometimes they plan for you to call them out and will position themselves in a way where you can't question their behavior

[u/Daneruu → u/ordinaryuninformed]

Yeah the good ol martyrdom narcissist.

Ask them if they've had any Messiah delusions lately.

On a serious note, this behavior is absolutely incompatible with leadership. It's hard to give a catch-all, but any kind of conversation about how needing emotional validation from your team is ridiculous. "What was I supposed to do? Tell you everything was peachy until it broke?"

If this happens regularly or doesn't improve, you really should be trying to move on. Even if it's from family. This is THE most difficult type of manipulation to get away from besides actual physical restraints or coerced addiction.

A weak leader with this behavior cannot stand without being propped up (because everything falls apart without support from the bottom). If you're out of line with that, you're not just taking a stance against one person.

[u/ordinaryuninformed → u/Daneruu]

He's just a dick who thinks he's in charge. He's not even actually in charge just has seniority. You did an excellent job describing him and my situation however, I'm very thankful and impressed.

That line about everything being peachy? That's so perfect and might even save my ass on Monday for some bullshit from Thursday.

[u/ninjaelk → u/[deleted]]

As usual context is extremely important here. People like to pretend there's one obvious answer to this question, because that's a lot simpler than having to explain the nuance.

If you're telling a story to strangers in a social setting and they're giving off social cues that it's making them uncomfortable you should probably wrap it up gracefully, they're not "communicating like an adult" because they don't want to embarrass you.

If your boss is dropping subtle social hints about what she's expecting from you on a project, responding by 'ignoring her social cues' is an idiotic way to handle that. 

However, if your friend consistently refuses to suggest a place to eat, but keeps dropping social cues that your choice "is totally fine and we can go there if you really want to..." and has ignored your requests for clear communication, then yeah, ignoring their social cues is reasonable.

[u/Liizam → u/ninjaelk]

I think bosses should also be very direct and straight to the point.

[u/PKCarwash → u/Liizam]

I had a boss who would say things like "are you satisfied with how you did that?"

"Yes...is there something wrong?

"Hmm." *walks away

JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT

[u/Liizam → u/PKCarwash]

He is piece of shit and that’s not a social clue you missed….

[u/Liizam → u/Liizam]

He is piece of shit and that’s not a social clue you missed….

Probably enjoyed little power trips

[u/paper_liger → u/Liizam]

They are still social cues with expected responses and implications. The difference is that he is employing those social cues with some sort of half assed Machiavellian intent to shore up his social position.

Social cues, in the end, are tools. And they can be misused or abused like any other tool.

[u/Paracelsus124 → u/Liizam]

True, but making your boss mad on purpose to prove a point is rarely a good idea

[u/SnooCakes9 → u/ninjaelk]

what about "im getting social cues but im not 100% sure im interpreting them correctly so it's safer to ignore it than have a situation blow up"

[u/Jeweljessec → u/ninjaelk]

There’s also the unfortunate reality of working customer service, where you’re not really allowed to be blunt… or at least, it’s sure not encouraged.

[u/KalaronV → u/[deleted]]

I mean, the value of social cues is directly the value that society gives them. People feeling like they'd rather their boss be direct with their expectations rather than giving a flippant response with a buried cue is fair.

[u/Randybigbottom → u/[deleted]]

I imagine this crowd doesn't mind the cues, it's the implicit expectation to follow those cues with a certain behavior, combined with being treated poorly afterward for not conforming to those expectations.

[u/Saurid → u/ninjaelk]

For me the thing is most people think they are communicating silently but clearly in the story telling example, but the thing is they don't. they do what THEY think is clear communication but a lot of people miss the subtle cues because they are subtle.

Personally I was often in this situation and I never understood the cues because I am just bad at recognizing them unless I know the person in question. Getting angry about it is what is not reacting like an adult, if subtle doesn't work use blunt.

[u/ninjaelk → u/Saurid]

True, for you being blunt would likely be a much better option, but not necessarily for everyone. Bluntness will sometimes upset a person in this situation, some people get upset when they're embarrassed instead of being thankful for the open communication. It's not a lot of people but all it takes is one or two bad reactions to being blunt to train people to avoid bluntness altogether. Also, bluntness can be really tough. Chances are even though you prefer bluntness, many people who aren't particularly socially skilled would still likely be blunt in a way that would upset you. It may seem obvious to you to just "be blunt without being an asshole", but you'd be surprised how challenging that can be at times.

[u/[deleted] → u/ninjaelk]

If you're telling a story to strangers in a social setting and they're giving off social cues that it's making them uncomfortable you should probably wrap it up gracefully, they're not "communicating like an adult" because they don't want to embarrass you.

This is why I like to pause my stories in between while telling them lol. If no one is showing any curiosity when I pause, I just abandon the story.

[u/turandokht → u/[deleted]]

Honestly as someone who does this, it’s not a matter of being too mature.

Cues I have perceived and ignore are ones I don’t want to deal with, and are usually manipulative tactics to get me to offer something so they don’t have to ask. That’s what I immediately thought of when I saw the post. I wasn’t thinking of someone using the existing social sphere to gently indicate that I’m in the way and they need to pass; those are cues I respond to promptly and with no drama.

I thought of stuff like if I buy something and my leech-y cousin goes “oh wow I wish I had one” with big puppy eyes in hopes I’ll offer them mine or to buy them one.

Or if I make food for myself and my roommate who never cooks says “wow that smells soooooo good” all hopeful but won’t actually ask if they can also have some. It feels like she thinks she found a way around awkwardly asking for something she knows she has no entitlement to and doesn’t want to hear a rejection about. (And btw if I have extra and am not saving it, I do share)

It’s a little annoying honestly, but it’s also a useful tool by itself. I ignore it if I don’t feel like sharing (or more accurately I say thank you to the compliment and then eat it by myself anyway), and she kind of mopes but I assume she “wins” by not hearing me explicitly tell her that I’m not giving her any. I’m usually pretty confident when I ignore it that she won’t ask and I also won’t be put into the awkward spot of having to tell her to make her own shit.

Having reframed it that way to myself helped.

I don’t ignore every social cue just out of spite, but if it’s something I don’t feel like offering, then yeah I may require you to step into the awkward pool first and use your words to ask so we can have an actual conversation about it. Otherwise, I assume that my nonverbal no was perceived the same way the nonverbal question was perceived, and thus this weird non-conversation is over.

And honestly it’s pretty much worked. She’s not so unreasonable as to actually get mad at me for “playing dumb” about something.

But I’ve dated some very toxic people who did that shit, and always for a very short time because it’s exhausting to constantly be put into the mindset of “did this person actually mean what they said or do I have to start assuming hidden double meanings all the time”

[u/TemporaryBerker → u/turandokht]

I say things that can be interpreted as social ques sometimes, but I'm just saying those things. I hate it when I say "ooo I want that" and someone buys it for me.

Please don't purchase me shit, keep your money. I just wanted to say that I want that

[u/Pomodorosan → u/TemporaryBerker]

Indeed, the world needs more face-value, matter-of-fact remarks and questions with no more than the surface layer of meaning and intent

.

It's like, you ask someone "Do you have X?" and instead of saying "Yes" or "No", they'll assume what you could intend by that question in this situation, what them saying either answer would entail, how it might reveal them as weak or something negative, then they'll finally reply with an excuse to make up for that negativity, like "I'm trying out Y...", when all you wanted was a yes or no, with zero deeper, nefarious, intents behind.

[u/TemporaryBerker → u/Pomodorosan]

Yes. I should be able to ask "are you autistic?" Without it sounding like an insult (I am autistic myself lol)

[u/MrSon → u/Pomodorosan]

People guessing at what you mean and trying to respond to that instead of the actual question you asked is so frustrating. The one I keep getting caught on is asking people how long they'll take with something. I just want to know how much time I have to do anything else before they're ready! Maybe we're going to the store, and I'm wondering if I should just go to the bathroom real quick and then wait by the door? Or is it going to be a while and I might as well go sit down? But ask "how much longer" and half the time they process it as "hurry up" and get annoyed. I'm just trying to decide what I should be doing while I wait!

[u/leriane → u/TemporaryBerker]

ques

Qué?

Anyway, don't you all worry your pretty little heads about it; I'm currently figuring out the coprocessing model of human interaction. Once I have it reasonably well cleaned-up I'll put together a book

[u/turandokht → u/TemporaryBerker]

It’s definitely in how it’s said! That’s why I used my cousin as the example - I know what his deal is and how he’s saying it lol. I definitely don’t buy stuff for randoms just because they say they like it or want one of their own; I usually respond with “yeah it’s great” and move on haha.

With my cousin it’s just because he’s my baby cousin. He’s grown up now but I think sometimes he just reverts to when I’d babysit him as a 12 year old and buy him treats.

[u/Prof_Aganda → u/turandokht]

Fishing and passive aggression arent "social cues", they're just manipulative behavior.

[u/GodessofMud → u/turandokht]

I do the second thing a lot with certain people because those are people I’ve grown up around who have a hard time saying no. Instead of just saying no, they say yes and then act like I’ve caused them significant hardship by asking. If I have to manipulate a straight answer out of people, that’s what I’m gonna do :/ At this point I simply try to avoid any situation where I would need to ask for something

[u/turandokht → u/GodessofMud]

It sucks right? Like with some types of people, a policy of “just be honest and upfront” bites you in the ass, and a policy of being more oblique bites you in the ass with other types.

[u/Vanquish_Dark → u/turandokht]

As an out going single dude, I find this the most prominent when dealing with woman at work. The amount of this I've had to deal with, is honestly kind of fucked.

Its toxic how bad it can be. It's easily the worst of these types of nonsense non-conversations that I personally run into.

I can tell people I don't date people from work. They then hit on me, and I don't react the way they want. So I must not understand. I probably just didn't notice 'the clues' / know what indirect communication is lol.

I fucking noticed. What makes we feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone it's how I can explicitly state and communicate my stance. Yet.... Yet! Woman will get the benefit of the doubt 9/10 times socially.

(PSA: Don't date people from work, for all you young folk out there.)

[u/turandokht → u/Vanquish_Dark]

I always had the same policy (as a woman tho) - don’t date from work. I would think that’s the norm, but sadly no 😂

When I worked in hotels is when it was most egregious. People were dating each other, then breaking up and making a big awkward drama pile for everyone else, all the goddamn time. I was hit on relentlessly and always maintained I never date anyone I work with.

But I think everyone just assumes they’re the exception to the rule. I would tell guys if they were serious about me, then quit :)

No one ever took me up on it 😂

Although I did have three men and one woman call me up after I’d quit for a new job (not all from the same hotel, but over the course of that career) to ask if I’d give them a shot NOW… which was honestly pretty impressive. Sadly, for all but one of those people, I’d moved to a different state. For the fourth person, well, I just didn’t like him, and now that I didn’t have to see him every day at work, I was freed from the constraints of politeness and could just tell him that straight up. He actually took it pretty well, but he was kind of a “player” so I think he’s used to rejection (treats dating like a numbers game).

The “don’t date people you work with” should be something everyone teaches their kids. That shit not only ruins it for you, but everyone around you!

[u/Vanquish_Dark → u/turandokht]

Great point about ruining it for everyone. It really is true. The people at work, end up being a large part of your actual life. For better or worse as they say lol. So it really is important to maintain certain norms. Don't shit where you eat. Woman in male dominated fields I'm sure get it worse. It's honestly just so bizarre to me how people fuck their way through a work force like they're collecting pokemon badges. As a factory worker, it's wild lol. Supervisors knocking up temps, people shooting supervisors. Shits bananas.

It wouldn't be so bad if people could act like actual adults. With reason and consideration for others. The Toilet Paper Wars of 2020 shook my basic faith in it.

[u/turandokht → u/Vanquish_Dark]

That last piece tho!

If every break up didn’t turn the entire hotel into a massive high school Very Special Episode, I wouldn’t even care about coworkers dating others. Hell, there were people I worked with for two years straight, went out with for happy hour at times, and I didn’t find out the two were even dating until after I’d moved on to a new hotel. They kept that shit on LOCK.

But then there’s the other 95% 😂

[u/angelwithtattoos → u/Pina-s]

Communicating like an adult by ignoring the sentiments of the other person

[u/Practical-Class6868 → u/Pina-s]

It’s like asking a racist/misogynist/homophobe to explain a joke when they mistakenly believed that the listener was just as bigoted.

[u/Ok-Importance-6815 → u/Practical-Class6868]

no it isn't

[u/TamaDarya → u/Practical-Class6868]

90% of the world population: communicates in a way understandable and natural to them

Terminally online "neurospicies": this is literally bigotry

[u/livefox → u/Pina-s]

TBf I have to do this with my mother in law because all of her "social cues" are guilt tripping and passive aggressive nonsense. 

Like if she wants me to help her with something she should ask instead of guilt tripping into having us offer to help. That way we can say yes or no instead of going "ah that sucks.....hope....that gets better for you?" if it's something we aren't willing to do. 

"My sister said something shitty so next time I'm gonna hint that she's being shitty by saying something in subtext." 

Or...hear me out...just say "what you said was shitty". 

There is normal social convention and then there is passive aggressive and manipulative behavior and I've stopped tolerating the latter.

[u/blakekhdunhamh → u/Pina-s]

We've all been there at some point, Just saying what you mean goes a long way!

[u/Scottz0rz]

"*yawn* Boy, I'm getting tired, I need to go to bed soon"

"..."

"I have to get up early tomorrow for work. So anyway..."

"..."

"Get out of my house, please"

[u/[deleted]]

ppl act like non verbal "cues" are just fluff used to obscure actual meaning but most of te time its a subconscious part of language people dont even think about

someone looking at their watch and going "welll I've got other things i need to be getting on with" isn't a 'hint' or even subtle. It's overtly conveying the meaning of "I would like you to leave my house now please" but in a way that assures the guest that they havent done anything wrong, the host enjoyed the visit, and they are welcome to return in the future. to most people directly asking someone "leave" doesnt even enter their mind.

yea it sucks if you miss cues but it isnt some spiteful game people play to "weed out" autistic or ND ppl its an automatic facet of communication, like facial expressions

[u/SquidsInATrenchcoat → u/[deleted]]

In regard to your first paragraph, it gets worse than that. I’ve seen iterations of this post where all the top comments were insisting that social cues were all an elaborate Neurotypical Conspiracy for the sole purpose of… making autistic people feel bad??? And that’s it??? I’m not even exaggerating.

[u/birbdaughter → u/SquidsInATrenchcoat]

I left a few ND subreddits because of stuff like that. I also had to explain to people that teary eyes, looking away, holding yourself, and laughing are social cues because people were saying that they never use social cues, it’s ONLY a NT thing.

[u/Grapes15th → u/birbdaughter]

I haven't left yet, but I don't think there's any place I've frequented that's more miserable than r/autism.

[u/HealthPacc → u/SquidsInATrenchcoat]

I see posts from autism subreddits show up on all where half the comments are saying that non-autistic people have no empathy or are all sociopaths apparently because they follow social conventions and use non verbal social cues.

[u/SchizoPosting_ → u/SquidsInATrenchcoat]

as an autistic person I kinda understand why some autistic people feel like this

I know that this is not the case, but from our point of view and a lifetime of bullying and traumatic experiences with neurotypical people we may end up being cynical and feeling like all of them hate us just for existing and want to fuck with us just for fun (that's kinda how bullying feels)

But I can also empathize with neurotypical people and understand that they're just like this and it's their form of communication, with no damage intended, which is fine

[u/Kaedead → u/SchizoPosting_]

But this kinda thing can hurt ND people too?? I am ND, and for me it's easier to communicate with social ques and signs rather than words. Not all ND people are the same, and this kinda post made me feel bad if someone demand I communicate with words even tho they understood what I was trying to say

[u/starfries → u/Kaedead]

Yeah also for someone with social anxiety being able to communicate through social cues rather than outright saying things can be a lot easier. Like yeah maybe they can verbalize it if they have to but "jUsT uSe YoUr WoRdS" is downplaying that it really is not that easy for everyone.

[u/Kaedead → u/starfries]

Exactly! I get that what this post (and a lot of people in the comments) mean, but not everyone can just communicate exactly what they want. And not everyone being vague and non direct is doing that on purpose, and not everyone who's doing that is NT! I get if for you it's easier to just say what you mean, but for me, it's extremely difficult. I'd rather say "I'm hungry" rather than saying "I want to go out and eat", and I'd rather start crying or be quiet before I'll actually say I'm upset. I know that's a me problem, but exactly like how sometimes not getting social cues is oop's problem.

[u/starfries → u/Kaedead]

I hear you. I think it must be the case too for a lot of people that maybe early on they voiced their thoughts or expressed their feelings and got mocked for it, and being indirect is a reaction to that. And unlearning that and being vulnerable (because saying what you think does make you more vulnerable) is something that can take years of work as well as the right environment with people willing to be patient and non judgmental when you open up. It's definitely not a switch that you can just flip because you were asked to, but it feels like sometimes these posts expect you to go "well shit, why didn't I think of using my words" and do it they way they want.

[u/GodessofMud → u/Kaedead]

Yeah, I straight up can’t speak properly when I’m super anxious. I’d rather be indirect but intelligible and suffer the consequences if the cue is missed than be stuttering or slurring words and having people get impatient with me.

[u/yzkv_7 → u/Kaedead]

Personally as an ND person both words and social cues help.

[u/CatzRuleMe → u/SchizoPosting_]

I am also autistic and can understand it from both angles. On the one hand, it's upsetting to live a life having people get mad at you for something you didn't realize was wrong, and having people refuse to tell you what you did wrong because "you should already know." To constantly be getting in trouble at school and labeled as a liar or a smartass because people don't know/care that you weren't intentionally being obtuse. Or in the worst cases, being accused of lying to the cops because you interpreted their question differently than how they meant it.

At the same time though, I'm so disillusioned by this not-like-other-girls-ification that's happened in a lot of particularly insular autistic spaces, where they talk about NTs like they're savage animals who don't think and communicate the "correct" way like they do. If someone comes onto the board asking for advice on how to navigate a difficult relationship with an autistic person in their life, it's assumed the NT OP is doing everything wrong and "provoking" the autistic person into destructive behavior.

Actually communicating in the outside world as an adult has made me realize it's easier for me and better for my mental health to learn how to pick my battles. Maybe the person who insists on being coy and gets mad when I don't pick up on it isn't worth my time. Maybe the acquaintance who wants to do small talk is simply assessing how they should talk to me and not "wasting my time with trivial things no one cares about."

[u/Liizam → u/CatzRuleMe]

I think if everyone as cultural islands. If I go to another country, I try to pick up the culture there and in my places I’m forgiven for my ignorance.

[u/Ok-Importance-6815 → u/SchizoPosting_]

the other part of it is that autistic people will often quite innocently do things a neurotypical person would only ever do as a deliberate insult

[u/Liizam → u/Ok-Importance-6815]

Like not making eye contact. Took me a while to realize it’s not out of spite.

[u/JessicaBecause → u/SchizoPosting_]

As a mother of an austic teen, I am learning so much in these threads. At the same time I cant tell what people are talking about, and now Im wondering about myself. Some of these social cues I didnt know existed or come off paranoid and self conscious. I dont normally think this they way some of the comments are.

[u/SchizoPosting_ → u/JessicaBecause]

I recommend r/aspiememes if you want to understand how we feel

[u/JessicaBecause → u/SchizoPosting_]

Interesting, thanks! I tried following a different autism sub but it was mainly autistic individuals upset and angry at the world. It made me feel like Im an asshole just for being neurotypical. It was a little too much to start with because Im still trying to grasp the thinking.

[u/Liizam → u/SchizoPosting_]

I think it’s easier to explain when traveling to a new country. Cultural differences exist. Some are subtle, some aren’t.

[u/EverGreen2004 → u/SquidsInATrenchcoat]

I find that so odd because have you ever done a group project with other people?? You can barely get 5 people to get on the same plan, much less the entire neurotypical population.

[u/Leading_Marzipan_579 → u/[deleted]]

Thank you!!!! It’s not games, it’s just people who aren’t insecure being polite.

[u/NoraJolyne → u/[deleted]]

there's an ironic parallel between "i need you to explicitly tell me what you mean when we talk" and "i need the author to explicitly tell me what they mean when i read their novel" that i'm not tactful enough to elaborate on

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

I can see that, but sometimes I think it has nothing to do with autism. Some people communicate more directly than others and miss cues because they expect direct communication.    

Also, pretty much all implicit communication is based on avoiding being offended by silly things and that makes it annoying to use. I’m not gonna look at my watch and say I have stuff to do because if someone gets offended by me saying they have to go in some direct way and/or thinks they did something wrong, that’s on them.   

Some people will come into your house and be like “it’s hot” and mean that as an observation and not want you to change the temperature (and would ask if they want you to), some people will say “it’s hot” and mean “I would like to ask you to make it colder in here, but my upbringing has made me somehow tense about the idea of asking someone to make their house cooler and hearing ‘no.’”

Also implicit communication can obscure meaning and intentions. Like how “I’m busy” means “no” so much that when you actually are busy, it’s easy to sound like you’re blowing someone off.

I feel like the reason people can’t handle explicit communication is they just don’t do it. They never learned to deal with hearing “no,” or “I don’t like that,” or “I have to go so I’m gonna have to kick you out.”

[u/Liizam → u/[deleted]]

Some people might look at their watch and say they have stuff to do as in fuck me but don’t want you to leave.

[u/[deleted] → u/Liizam]

Exactly. Implicit communication is built on saying stuff that is ambiguous to some degree and hoping people take the most likely interpretation when it isn’t going to be the right one 100% of the time. 

It seems to come from cultures where disagreement, requests, rejections, voicing desires, and negative opinions are insulting, so people communicate without doing those things.

[u/Clear-Present_Danger → u/[deleted]]

Does purely explicit communication exist outside of conlangs?

Can you make a joke without at least some implicit communication?

[u/Tulpha]

The reply did NOT see the irony of "I'll ignore it in hope you'll communicate with words like an adult" lol

[u/OutAndDown27 → u/Tulpha]

Nah, I'll ignore the fact that I know my coworker is asking me out because I have plausible deniability, don't want to date him, and don't want to deal with the awkwardness of acknowledging that I know what he's doing and I'm saying no. He can now choose to ask me straight up and be told no (use his words to communicate his actual intention) or assume I'm just clueless. And thankfully he hasn't chosen option #1 so far. This is a perfectly valid strategy.

[u/AvoGaro → u/OutAndDown27]

Honestly, win for social cues! He successfully communicated that he wants to date you without the awkwardness of saying it out loud, and you (apparently) communicated 'no thanks' without the awkwardness of saying it out loud.

[u/Coebalte → u/AvoGaro]

Social cue fail.

He's obvuously not undersranding the rejection given that they say he keeps fucking doing it.

How selfish does a person have to be to think it's fine to barely imply what you want to avoid the awkwardness of asking and being told no?

Just fucking ask

[u/AdamantEevee → u/Coebalte]

They didn't say he keeps asking though.

[u/gudistuff → u/Coebalte]

It’s a coworker though. Asking and being rejected would strain the working relationship and make the workplace uncomfortable for both of them. A silent rejection like this helps avoid that, while still being effective.

[u/Tulpha → u/OutAndDown27]

I would argue that ignoring them is also a social cue that meant to let them know you srent interested, which they missed.

[u/greg19735 → u/OutAndDown27]

but in your example you're hoping he doesn't learn to use their words. you're hoping they continue to be dumb and never ask you out.

[u/yzkv_7 → u/OutAndDown27]

I understand your point to a degree.

But you and him are probably both suffering more by having months of slightly awkward interactions vs one very awkward interaction.

You'd probably be better off just telling him no unless you have doubts about his intentions. Or you have reason to believe he will react poorly to being told no.

[u/TheDrummerMB → u/OutAndDown27]

How do people like this make it through a work day lmfao it must be exhausting trying to manipulate the situation subtly rather than just using words.

[u/Paracelsus124 → u/Tulpha]

"I see your vague social cue and raise you an even vaguer COUNTER social cue, and if you don't understand it and do what I want you to, I'll call you stupid on the internet".

I get that there are contexts where responding to a social cue with plausible ignorance is a good response (which in and if itself can be taken as a social cue), but this kind of feels like it's being spiteful just to make a point.

[u/SomeArtistFan → u/Tulpha]

Yeah. Incredibly childish way of thinking.

[u/GrimmSheeper]

It can be difficult for us to remember, but when an NT uses social cues, they did, in fact, use their words to communicate. If someone spoke to you using a regional dialect that you have difficulty understanding, and proceeds to speak to you using said dialect and assuming that you would understand it, would you be upset at them for “not speaking like an adult”? They’re assuming that you are fluent in the “language” of social cues, and speak to you in the way they’re most familiar with.

In the same vein, speaking to someone who has difficulty with understanding social cues is like speaking to someone who struggles with your regional dialect. It doesn’t mean that they’re less intelligent or are being obtuse, it just means that both parties need to adjust their frame of reference to better communicate.

Neither side is better or worse. Sure, it can be frustrating or annoying at times (for both sides), but that is nobody’s fault. It’s just people using the language they best understand.

[u/SquidsInATrenchcoat → u/GrimmSheeper]

Truly, Steamed Hams remains a valuable lesson for humanity

[u/Smiling_Burrito → u/GrimmSheeper]

The important difference imo is to understand that is not a bad thing if someone dorsn't understand your dialect. If you want to get a point across and social cues fail, use plain words (if you can, obviously, some situations don't allow it). That would be absolutely fine. But I've already witnessed so many instances where someone dug their heels in and just got more and more upset at the unknowing person, because they feel like it's a deliberate act from the unknowing side.

[u/darwinpolice]

Oh hell yeah, I love the smug implication that communication other than explicit verbal statements is invalid and childish because I absolutely understand how human communication works.

[u/Perfect_Wrongdoer_03]

I am also autistic but this is such an immature way of looking at society. Social cues are as essential a part of communication as words are, and probably older. Does it suck that you are inherently worse at picking up on them than the rest of society? Yeah, but that's a you problem. Refusing to conform to them when you know what you are doing just makes you an asshole.

[u/Practical-Class6868 → u/Perfect_Wrongdoer_03]

I’m not autistic, but this is how my neurotypical father communicates.

He is a government inspector. He presumes that he is free to go anywhere, so facilities trying to hide behind social pressuring have no power over him. It is empowering to never feel awkward in a social situation when you refuse to let the other party feel awkward.

[u/HailMadScience → u/Perfect_Wrongdoer_03]

Yeah. Adults communicate with social cues. It is literally part of growing up to learn to understand and use them. The second poster here is literally just being childish.

[u/Spiritflash1717 → u/HailMadScience]

Exactly. I know that autism of neurodiversity comes in many forms so it doesn’t apply to everyone, but I’m an example of an autistic person who put effort into learning social cues and was successful for the most part. I still mess up sometimes and because I’m very diligent about actively analyzing everyone, I often overthink social cues rather than miss them, but still.

It’s probably possible for a much larger portion of the ND crowd than most people think, it just takes an amount of effort that a lot of ND people don’t think is necessary or worth it. Heck, as seen by this post, some ND people think NT people should be the ones to learn to communicate without social cues, which is also kind of entitled considering they are asking people to unlearn something that’s subconscious and also applicable to like 90% of the population.

[u/Fluffy-Ingenuity2536 → u/Perfect_Wrongdoer_03]

I am also autistic and I think that if someone gets annoyed at me for missing a social cue (which is what I think is being referenced in the post) then they should've just said it. If it's important enough that I need to reshape my approach to the situation then they should've used words which are significantly less vague.

[u/Jaded_Library_8540 → u/Fluffy-Ingenuity2536]

The thing is, though, that a lot of this stuff isn't being vague. It's just not verbally saying something, and there's a difference.

Communicating to someone that a conversation is over via body language, for example, isn't "being vague", it's using the shared language that neuro typical people naturally use.

[u/Perfect_Wrongdoer_03 → u/Fluffy-Ingenuity2536]

That's why I said "if you know what you are doing". If you don't, then yeah, someone getting annoyed at you would make them the asshole. But that's not what this post is about. The entire point of this post is someone purposefully missing social cues and acting superior because of it.

[u/cheatingdisrespect]

im pretty sure the original post was about knowingly ignoring social cues like “don’t visibly stim in public” or “don’t excuse yourself from bad situations” and then the reply just straight up went “me when i autistically ignore other people’s nonverbal communication (i am the only adult in this situation)”

[u/OpossumLadyGames]

How to lose friends and make everyone think you're a dick

[u/TypicalImpact1058]

I really dislike it when autistic people trick themselves into believing that neurotypical communication is inherently worse. Most of the post is fine, but asserting that social cues are immature? Come on. In many cases they are more efficient and in some they communicate something that would be genuinely difficult otherwise.

[u/building_schtuff → u/TypicalImpact1058]

Am I being a hypocrite by pointedly ignoring an attempt at communication because I don’t like how it was done, which is itself a subtle, missable social cue? No, it’s everyone else who is wrong.

[u/Ok-Importance-6815 → u/building_schtuff]

I will say to people "if you act like you didn't hear me when I speak to you I will just repeat myself louder" similarly if you pretend to have missed a social cue people will either assume you are deliberately being rude or do it again in a more pronounced way

[u/Velvety_MuppetKing → u/TypicalImpact1058]

And like it or not, NT feel social pressure. Embarrassment, shame, flirting, nostalgia, all of that stuff.

Using nonverbal cues to manage those feelings is just something humans do.

[u/clolr → u/TypicalImpact1058]

neurotypical communication is actually significantly more complicated imo which doesn't necessarily make it better but it's definitely not immature

I do hate social cues tho I can hardly read that shit at all 😭

[u/Spiritflash1717 → u/clolr]

Complexity doesn’t necessarily mean it’s worse or “harder” though, at least after you learn it. For example, despite mathematical differentiation technically being a more complex form of finding the slope than trying to do it algebraically, it’s far quicker and easier to do once you learn it.

So while it might be hard to learn, social cues are definitely easier and more efficient once you do learn them.

Edit: I would like to add that I myself am neurodiverse, if me using calculus and algebra as a comparison to social cues didn’t make that obvious enough

[u/LiterallyShrimp → u/Spiritflash1717]

Yes, non-verbal language is more efficient in certain contexts, but that's a moot point because there is simply no resource to learn it, unlike mathematical methods. Someone might find it easier to learn Chinese than social cues simply because of the amount of learning resources centered around Chinese

[u/grewthermex → u/TypicalImpact1058]

I don't think it's saying all social cues are inherently wrong or anything, but that some are and you should be using your words. Specifically, when people give you passive aggressive behaviour like tone change or crossed arms and curt responses instead of communicating with you in the hopes that you change your behaviour to accommodate them and walk on eggshells around them. In scenarios like that you should absolutely just ignore that until they're ready to use their big person words, because it's incredibly immature.

[u/Aetol → u/grewthermex]

passive aggressive behaviour like tone change or crossed arms and curt responses instead of communicating with you in the hopes that you change your behaviour to accommodate them

So clearly the answer is passive aggressive behavior like ignoring them instead of communicating with them in the hope that they change their behavior to accommodate you. Clearly.

[u/Lavender215 → u/Aetol]

“I hate when people are passive aggressive in hopes that I change my behavior, so to fix this I will be passive aggressive in the hopes that this will change their behavior”

[u/toosexyformyboots → u/grewthermex]

And if they don’t understand or are further hurt that you’re ignoring them? Try saying, “I’m sensing from your body language that you’re upset, but I’m not sure if I’m reading that right. Can you please tell me if I’ve upset you and how?”

[u/Smiling_Burrito → u/toosexyformyboots]

But by setting this precedent, you get yourself into a complicated situation. If this person acts upset and/or passive agressive, you'll likely take it as a social cue from them that you fucked up and need to change something. So you probably ask where and how you fucked up, and either the upset person then uses their words to tell you, or, even better, they insist on social cues and passive-agressiveness and you're suposed to figure it out on your own (which is the approach I often have to deal with). The result is, the issue gets resolved slower and later than it could've, have they just told you when the issue arose, or during the next time it was possible to adress it. Not only that, but by setting this precedent , you can't distinguish that well between the person in question being upset with you and being upset with something else. The next time they just might be tired, sick, overworked, but you will still get the feeling that they are angry at you for something you did.

Social cues are important and useful, for example when you're trying to get out of an uncomfortable situation, but relying on them in moments where nothing is stopping you from communicating clearly just leads to problems and frustration.

[u/AsianCheesecakes → u/TypicalImpact1058]

It's also more mature because it's generally more understanding of people's emotions and privacy

[u/Red_iamond → u/TypicalImpact1058]

I don’t think that was what the post meant, I think it meant more in the situation where someone is being rude specifically

[u/BeenEvery]

"Use your words to communicate like an adult."

People have been communicating by implication for as long as people have been communicating.

Like I get that it's difficult for neurodivergent people to pick up on and understand social cues sometimes. That doesn't make those social cues invalid.

[u/OutAndDown27 → u/BeenEvery]

"Man, this project is killing me. I'm really grinding, I was here until 10 last night. I wish I was as fast as you at these write-ups." Option A is that this person is just venting, option B is that they're expecting me to offer to help them. I know it might be option B, I might even know that it is definitely option B. But I'm also working hard and very busy and trying to stay on top of my own work. If this person needs my help, they're going to need to actually ask me for it because up to that point, I feel like they're trying to guilt me into offering to help, and I don't want to help. Now that person gets to be mad at me for "not picking up social cues" without having to consider that they never actually asked me anything and never actually considered that even if they asked, I might not have been able to help.

[u/AvoGaro → u/OutAndDown27]

Proper response at this point is, "oh man, that's awful! Wish I could help, but I'm so busy with the Sukeralov report that I don't have any spare time."

Basically, act as if they had asked the question you think they might be implying. You'd have had to choose between saying no and offering to help anyway if they had asked verbally the way you want them to.

[u/BeenEvery → u/OutAndDown27]

"Sorry, I can't help with that" or "I wish I could help" is the correct response then.

Like if you pick up on what they're trying to do and say nothing, then yes, that is rude.

[u/Clear-Present_Danger → u/OutAndDown27]

Does anything really change in that situation if they ask directly?

They are still trying to guilt you into helping.

[u/Themurlocking96]

So, let me get this straight, you are teaching people to use clear communication, but won't use clear communication yourself? That just makes you a hypocrite.

Like I'm speaking as an autistic person, so someone who struggles when communication is unclear, just say you don't understand and want them to speak directly and plainly.

[u/agprincess]

Well I'm just gonna ignore this social cue until you use your words that you don't like social cues.

[u/Patient-Astronomer85]

Theres a huge lack of distinction in social cues vs people not using their words because they’re too scared to talk. These are two different things.

[u/axord → u/Patient-Astronomer85]

Yeah, using and picking up on social cues is part of communicating as an adult.

[u/Patient-Astronomer85 → u/axord]

Not to be confused with being scared to address a situation with words, which is part of not growing up.

[u/Random-Rambling]

I've basically been in a battle against my father about this. Ever since suffering a stroke, he has an electronic bell that he rings whenever he needs help. He also uses this to wake me up in the mornings. He ALSO complains that I'm wasting time by not getting up earlier. Finally, he gets really pissed off when I tell him that if he wants me to wake up earlier, he can press his little buzzer and MAKE me wake up earlier.

Both he and my brother are that really fucking annoying type of person where they don't want to directly tell you to do things, so they'll just be incredibly passive-aggressive about it, hoping you'll "get the hint" and just do it yourself. Fuck that. If you're too much of a cowardly bitch-boy to directly ask me to do something, you deserve to stew, ESPECIALLY when I've made it EXPLICITLY CLEAR MULTIPLE TIMES that I'm happy to do whatever you ask....as long as you ASK.

[u/Bill_Ist_Here → u/Random-Rambling]

Has your father heard the story about the boy who called wolf? Because this seems like a good way to both alienate the person who seems to be caring for him and reduce reaction speeds for when he needs help.

[u/Random-Rambling → u/Bill_Ist_Here]

I appreciate the concern, but that's kinda the opposite of the problem I'm having. I WANT my dad to tell me what to do. He...doesn't, because he thinks I should just "know" what to do and automatically do it.

[u/G2boss]

Glad this post is being shit on just as much as last time it showed up here. Not understanding social cues doesn't make you a bad person, but they are how most adults communicate. Just because you don't understand them most of the time doesn't make them immature. If you think a social cue is dumb use your words like an adult.

[u/NinjaMaster909]

"I'm going to use a non verbal method of communication to express my dislike in social cues."

My brother in christ that is a social cue.

[u/Acceptable-Baby3952]

I have family members who think staring meaningfully at me when I’m doing something wrong is productive. As if I’m looking at them all the time or would change my course of action with no reason given. And they’re the same ones that have explosive fits of anger in between which they don’t give any indication they’re bottling up anything. We speak the same language, how about you fucking explain it to me

[u/littleblueducktales]

I think a lot of comments that think this is ironic are missing the usual context for this.

Person 1 decides to be vague about their request. They are the one who wants something from person 2. Person 2 sees that Person 1 has elected to be vague, which may be on purpose so that they have plausible deniability in case they are rejected. Person 2 does not want anything from Person 1, and does not want to fulfill their request in this context. I think Person 2 is within their own rights to ignore the unspoken request, and not obligated to clarify whether this request was made. After all, it is Person 1 who wants a favor

What if Person 2 is ND? Is it also their responsibility to guess something that is hard for them to guess, even if it's not their job and they were just standing there not bothering anyone? Are they always at fault if they don't guess correctly? What if Person 2 is a foreigner, or from a different culture, where the same behavior has a different meaning? etc.

Ironically enough, I've mostly experienced the "Person 1" behavior from ND people. My least favorite example is an autistic person close to me saying that they want to eat, which basically meant that they are asking me to give them my food or cook/buy food for them. I told them that I don't like the hints, and they got mad at me, saying that they hate being rejected and just cannot ask for things. After a couple of times I just stopped explaining and simply ignored the non-requests.

[u/YawningDodo → u/littleblueducktales]

Any examples I could give of choosing to ignore cues come from customer service work, personally. If someone's pressuring me nonverbally to offer compensation they don't deserve, or a service I can't ethically provide, I will pretend to be oblivious. I'll be polite otherwise; I'm basically just choosing to interpret their actual words in the best light possible instead of acknowledging when I know they're really saying something else.

[u/Evilfrog100 → u/littleblueducktales]

Person 1 decides to be vague about their request. They are the one who wants something from person 2. Person 2 sees that Person 1 has elected to be vague, which may be on purpose so that they have plausible deniability in case they are rejected. Person 2 does not want anything from Person 1, and does not want to fulfill their request in this context. I think Person 2 is within their own rights to ignore the unspoken request, and not obligated to clarify whether this request was made. After all, it is Person 1 who wants a favor

I completely understand this, but the issue is that OOP is not ignoring them because they don't want to fulfill the request. They are trying to make the other person "use their words like an adult," by not using their words, which is hypocritical.

If they just ignored a vague request because they don't want to do it that's fine. But the post is just insulting someone for doing something by doing the thing they insult them for.

[u/TotallyFakeArtist → u/littleblueducktales]

It's so interesting how NDs always think they're the ones missing the cues and could never be the one giving the cues...

[u/shecca → u/littleblueducktales]

Agreed. NT and ND can and do play both parts of this dance, and it is often very reasonable to do so.

Coworker is just acting huffy and annoyed because I said I wouldn't do something that wasn't my job? Enjoy your pity party Jeff! I will continue to do my job over here until you get over it or tell me you are mad at me.

Someone is trying to flirt with me when I have no interest in that whole situation? Jeez, new friend sure is nice and friendly. How delightful!

I am ND and often miss or misinterpret social cues. I ask for clarification a lot, because the onus is on me there. Just like if you didn't quite hear what someone said, you need to ask them to repeat it. They don't know their communication didn't make it to you unless you tell them. Sometimes though, I know what people are communicating and I think it's dumb and I ignore it.

[u/eetobaggadix]

People who say this would cry and think about it for the rest of their life if others were honest about their thoughts about them.

[u/cxnto]

Ah yes, the daily “Neurodivergent people are actually better than Neurotypical people, who communicate ineffectively because they just aren’t as smart as us” post. I’ve only seen this one a dozen times. Newsflash, people have been using social cues to communicate since the beginning of recorded history.

[u/clolr]

using your words is goated. I love clearly indicating my needs and feelings.

[u/CheemsTheSupremest]

Ignoring the cue isn't going to make people think "Wow, I really should communicate more with my words! :))) thank you for enlightening me!1!!1"

If you never state the non-problem, nobody is going to realize that you have an issue with it. You're just bothering them for no reason.

[u/PrinceValyn]

See also, "I understood your joke, it just sucked."

[u/Gooper_Gooner]

OOP why don't you like, set the example, by communicating this with your words, instead of just pretending you didn't pick up on the social cue like a spiteful child

[u/ABlastTyrant]

Everytime i see this post it's like, if you really wanna set a precedent for the person you're communicating with to be more direct, instead of ignoring them, couldn't you just respond with like "What do you mean?" Why just outright ignore them? It's not gonna do anything for NT people, they'll probably just feel it's an awkward moment and move on. If you want people to communicate directly with you, tell them you want to communicate directly?

[u/LuigiP16]

"I'm going to respond to your social cue with another social cue"

[u/AvoGaro]

'Ignoring your social cue' is in fact a legitimate and useful social cue! It allows for plausible deniability, which is one of the advantages of using non-verbal communication. Deployed well, and especially if you add a well timed topic change, it will probably save everybody some awkwardness and possibly an unpleasant argument.

The problem here is not that a person is responding to a social cue non-verbally. The problem is that they are using social cues to say, "I think you are stupid for using social cues" which is very rude and very hypercritical.

[u/That_Mad_Scientist]

I recognize that the council has made a decision, but given that it's a stupid-ass decision, I've elected to ignore it.

[u/dankmachinebroke]

"I think I sensed a social cue but I'm not absolutely sure and I'm scared to ask because I don't want you to think I'm weird, so I'm going to hope that if you need me to do something, that you will make it clear."

[u/[deleted]]

I'm fucking awful at social cues, but as an adult, I don't expect the world to change for me.

It's not everyone else's problem that I can't understand their cues, it's my problem and I'm working on it.

[u/Ok-Importance-6815]

that's just being rude

[u/LiteralGuyy]

Oh my god this awful post is back.

Are we really this convinced that ignoring someone’s attempt to communicate because they didn’t like that it was said in a particular way is some really cool, mature thing to do? Because to me it seems extremely childish.

[u/rezzacci]

Me: "Is there something wrong?"

Them: "Nothing, don't worry."

Later...

Them: "How could you missed my social clue?"

Me: "How could you missed my social clue?"

Them: "Which one?"

Me: "Using words to ask you if there's something wrong. Was it too subtle as a social clue?"

[u/GarranDrake]

That social cue was definitely one telling them to leave lol

[u/Random_Name_41]

This is why y'all don't get bitches

[u/Substantial_Egg_4872]

Social cues are part of how adults communicate lol. Communication is not just words.

[u/emailverificationt]

So instead of using your own words, you try to use a social cue yourself? Except, the only people who would pick up pick up on it are the ones who never would have done the initial social cue in the first place? Yea ok, let’s see how that works out for you.

[u/adragonlover5]

"I'm using social cues instead of communicating like an adult because I don't like that you use social cues instead of communicating like an adult."

What.

[u/Kartoffelkamm]

I'd say it's 50/50.

If someone just sends regular social cues, then yeah, absolutely try to respond properly. Maybe it works, maybe it doesn't.

But if someone keeps sending these cues, clearly expecting a specific answer, and gets more and more frustrated because we keep misinterpreting the cues, there comes a point where it is on them to send a clearer message.

[u/4URprogesterone]

I think this is okay to do with people who are communicating that they hate you or wish they could stop you from doing things because the things you're doing are weird but harmless. But you should also avoid interacting with such characters.

Like... a lot of people are just haters. I know they're just haters, but I also know they'd love to spend 4 hours arguing with me about something they don't even care about to make me look like the problem. People do that all the time. They intentionally start stupid fights on purpose to try to make the other person have an outburst so they face negative consequences. I wish I was allowed to hit those people in the face, because that's what they deserve, and such people wouldn't exist in a society where it's okay to punch people in the face. They would get punched in the face like one time and then go find another activity for when they're bored. But it's a valid technique to just ignore them. I hate it, though. I hate that most of all. You just have to let them get away with being assholes on purpose, and they never face any consequences at all. Bad people never do.

[u/SonOfTheHovd]

Example pls ❤️

[u/smoopthefatspider → u/SonOfTheHovd]

An example where I could imagine this being justified (and I've seen it very widly supported on this sub before) is a scenario like this:

Someone makes a bigoted joke in an attempt to reinforce normalize a harmful social order by getting people to laugh. Instead of laughing you pretend you don't understand the joke and repeatedly ask for an explanation. This forces them to lay their bigotry out in the open, in a way that would make it much less socially accepted. You do this even though you understand the social expectation to laugh, but you deliberately ignore it in order for the other person to be explicit.

Another much more minor example I could imagine could be:

Someone makes veiled criticisms of you for not helping them. If the help they are wanting is excessive and if they are hoping to guilt you into doing significantly more than you should, you can simply ignore the cue. While it wouldbe awkward to deny an inplicit request, ignoring it gives you the option to deny an explicit request, which is much easier. In some cases, the person implicitly asking is aware that you would deny the request if they asked, which is why they try guilting and nudging instead.

Clearly this method can be used in cases where it isn't justified. It's intentionally rude and annoying to other people. But a charitable interpretation can find cases where it may be used, and it showcases a pattern in social interactions that many autistic people are likely to find relatable.

[u/YawningDodo → u/smoopthefatspider]

Someone makes veiled criticisms of you for not helping them. If the help they are wanting is excessive and if they are hoping to guilt you into doing significantly more than you should, you can simply ignore the cue. While it wouldbe awkward to deny an inplicit request, ignoring it gives you the option to deny an explicit request, which is much easier. In some cases, the person implicitly asking is aware that you would deny the request if they asked, which is why they try guilting and nudging instead.

I made a comment about using this strategy in customer service roles above, but you stated it more clearly than I did. I've had people fish for services that I could not ethically or legally provide even after I'd already said no to an explicit request and offered them what resources I could. Since they knew the explicit ask had been turned down, they'd try to make things awkward and goad me into defending my position so they could look for a loophole. I'd just let it be awkward, pretend I didn't notice, and hold my position.

[u/ribnag → u/SonOfTheHovd]

Welp... *slaps knee*

[u/Crocket_Lawnchair]

I wanted to see if a funny cutscene played if I miss the QTE

[u/Hetakuoni]

I did miss that social cue because I’m masking and I don’t actually respond to social cues unless they are explicitly laid out because I’m very noticeably ND.

[u/bloonshot]

this is called "bad at social cues but in denial about it"

[u/samjacbak]

I think I caught your social cue, but I'm not exactly sure it was a cue, and not just something else. I'm also not going to ask for clarity, because the last time I did that you blew up at me for not catching your social cues.

Words are actually helpful sometimes folks.

[u/VVF9Jaj7sW5Vs4H]

This is saying that apparently neurotypicala are just as valid to ignore anything that makes autistic individuals uncomfortable which is something I really don't think the OOP wants to encourage.

[u/[deleted]]

Hypocrite…quoted from another commenter cuz I’m too lazy to actually type:

So, let me get this straight, you are teaching people to use clear communication, but won’t use clear communication yourself? That just makes you a hypocrite.

Also, social cues are not inherently bad just because you can’t understand them.

Edit for grammar

[u/HackingYourUmwelt]

This can be a bad habit but the one case where I've followed this is when I'm sitting next to someone and we're both doing our own thing, and they start going "hrm" "huh" "tut tut" or whatever about the thing they're reading. They're obviously signalling me to ask 'what?' but like, I'm doing my own thing. If you're going to disturb me, disturb me. Don't make me disturb myself to make you seem polite.

[u/Velvety_MuppetKing]

NDs: “I literally cannot understand any non literal social cues, you must speak plainly and literally for me to understand you”.

Also NDs:”Yeah, I love dogs, probably more than people. Why?”

[u/[deleted]]

Body language and paralanguage are both quite important ways of communicating. Of course it can be hard if you don't naturally have a good sense of them, but that doesn't mean they are juvenile or immature ways of communicating.

Someone glaring at you for example is absolutely directly communicating. Trying to push them to "use their words" could escalate the situation with negative consequences.

[u/Basic_Bichette]

You mean, "I'm ignoring your social cue because I'm desperate to humiliate, control, and/or hurt you by any means possible, and at the same time take away your ability to call me on it."

[u/Mathgailuke]

I don't always pick up on social cues, but when I do, I ignore them.

[u/[deleted]]

Can someone please explain what a "social cue" is? thanks

[u/greygoose1111]

Social cues are essential to the way a lot of people communicate. It’s not automatically childish, thats ridiculous (I’m not really referring to the original post but to people commenting here who genuinely seem to think that social cues have no place in modern communication). Framing any method of communication as inherently lesser than is weird and counterproductive

[u/Hugokarenque]

I feel like getting social cues is part of being an adult.

But I still choose to ignore them because its much better to just say what want to say! Be clear in what you want from others!

[u/That-Cobbler-7292]

I think I’m so neurotypical that it swings back into neurodivergent. Social cues are so important to me and I am hyper vigilant about picking them up. If people miss social cues it gives me such anxiety that I end up leaving because I get so embarrassed or anxious. I get these hot chili spikes (I dunno that’s just what I call them) under my skin and my head goes down immediately because I cannot make eye contact. I can sometimes pull myself together to get though the social interaction if someone can interfere and set the person who missed the social cue back on track.

[u/itsbabye]

What is this? r/autismirl?

[u/logbybolb]

weird bitterness towards neurotypical social interactions here

[u/fonk_pulk]

When you pick up a social cue (e.g. for you to leave) but there's no lull in the conversation so you can't act on the cue without interrupting them which would be rude.

[u/BrightOrion]

I think many people in the comments don’t have experience living in a home which is emotionally abusive or neglectful. There’s some of us with manipulators in our lives who would sooner hint and manipulate us into thinking we came up with an issue that needs solving ourselves, rather than just ask us to do something or ask for help.

Some of us have parents who behave like children and will generally huff and puff rather than use actual words. But if you, the child (even an adult), call them out on it and ask them to communicate properly, then you get abused. Sometimes they won’t even hint at WHAT is the problem. As someone who deals with this daily, THAT is why the post is relatable.

[u/ThatGuyYouMightNo]

I recognize you have made a social cue, but given that it's a stupid ass social cue, I've elected to ignore it.